Dani-isms
Dani-ism: When Dani does odd things that normal society would shun but gets away with it because... Well... She's Dani.
Anyone who knows me knows that I hate unneeded letters. (example, I want to destroy the french language)
However, I constantly add "ie" to things that don't need it (example "crie") and feel as the word nonchalant needs to be spelled nonchalaunt.
Armada
(To the tune of “In all my dreams I drown” from The Devil’s Carnival.)
My ships, they swayed
Heave ho, heave ho
On a place called Internet
And I held tight to Tumblr’s might
As it looked back and said:
"You haven’t slept"
Heave ho, it spoke
"Since Avengers has long since gone."
"Oh I will sleep when season 3
Of Sherlock is finally on.”
It said “Now hush love,
Here’s your pie.
There’s the bed.
Close your eyes.”
"But I don’t want to go to sleep.
If I sleep, my fandoms die.”
Oh Tumblr howled,
Heave ho! Heave ho!
And wrapped me in a sheet
"You can’t watch The Walking Dead
If you don’t get off your feet.”
The web, it stirred,
Heave ho, heave ho
With pictures of Cas and Dean
Oh I don’t know what I would do,
If we didn’t have the Free Will Team.
It said now “Hush love.
Here’s your wand.
There’s the bed.
Time to yawn.”
"But I don’t want to go to sleep.
If I sleep, my Doctor’s gone.”
Tumblr! Tumblr! I will go to the store!
I will watch Netflix at night!
And clean my room and floor!
Thorin! Loki!
I’ll be their’s to keep…
The only thing I pray of you
Don’t let me fall asleep.
My screen, it flashed
Heave ho! Heave Ho!
My pillow, pressed to my chest
And I whispered softly to my cat:
"Rory tried his best."
"Spock and Jim, I can’t!" I cried,
"And Harry knows we care."
Funny enough, he started as
A boy under the stairs.
It said now “Hush love,
Here’s a plush.
There’s the computer.
Sweetheart, shush.”
"But I don’t want to go to sleep.
Season 3 is about to-…”
Steff: *stands up from behind the audience, starts slow clap*
Bravo sir, bra-fucking-vo
... Well done :')
Me: *takes bow* I accept this "I Probably Have Better things to do with my Life" award with grace and pride.
Three ways I should be introduced.
"Hi, this is Dani. She's Cuban."
"Hi, this is Satan."
or
"Hi. This is my friend Dani. She doesn't wear pants."
I. Hate. Everything.
Watch the last two episodes of season 2, I said.
I won't get that emotional, I said.
Here Lucifer, you can have my heart, I said.
I don't get ethnic pride.
Arabic and Hindi are both different levels of spicy curry.
African and Haitian are both different flavors of chocolate.
Korean, Chinese, and Japanese are all different grains of rice.
English, German, Irish, French, and Russian are all different flavors of vanilla.
And my favorite;
Spanish, Puerto Rican, Brazilian, Portugese, Dominican, Italian and Cuban are all different brews of mocha.
Thing's I'd like to play a somewhat major role in:
Pirates of the Carribean as Jack's unknown daughter, Captain Carmen "DaggerHeel" Sparrow.
Supernatural as Danny, Lucifer's adorable and somewhat psychotic daughter.
The Walking Dead as <insert name here>, a random person they took in and gets chased down and eaten by zombies. Because that wouldn't be acting. That fear is real.
Sometimes I wish I was a gay man to have sassy cute gay moments.
WARNING. FEELS.
These are my cats O’Malley (top) and Spiffy (bottom).
O’Malley was a great cat. Both he and Spiffy are and were ridiculously friendly and affectionate to everyone. O’Malley use to do this thing where if you walked by and he was on a counter and you didn’t pay attention to him, he’d reach a paw out and lightly tap at you like “Please pet me?” (This is relevant)
On May 23rd I had found him snuggled in my bed breathing funny, and shaking. I immediately realized that something wasn’t right because my other cat Smokey (his mom) did the same thing a few months prior. Only difference was that we got her to the vet on time. My mom took him to the emergency vet clinic and they did all they could and told us just to bring him home and make him comfortable cause she didn’t think he was going to make it. As fate would have it, I was on my way to Anime Boston that night. I didn’t sleep much and when I woke up, I smiled and said “He’ll pull through just like Smokey.”
That night I called my mom and she told me the news.
"O’Malley passed away."
As heart breaking and as much of a mess I wanted to be, I put on my big girl pants and kept a smile and had a butt ton of fun. When I got home, my mom and me walked into the back yard and sat there for a little over a half hour. She told me that Spiffy had saw O’Malley as they were burying him and backed up really quickly as if he was in shock.
Months have gone by and I have moved out. I go home every weekend to work the King Richard’s Faire, so I get to see Spiffy and my other pets.
Yesterday, I walked by Spiffy and he reached out and tapped at my arm. I stopped and looked over and he just stared at me and did it again, even lighter, as if he was unsure if he had crossed a line. The only logical thing to do was pick him up, cuddle him and cry.
This is the saddest part about O’Malley dying. Spiffy now does all the things his son use to do so that we don’t forget about him.
There are two types of Hawaiian men. Those who surf. And those who don't.
I honestly don't think there is a better start to waking up at noon than smut and paramasan cheese.
*me and Kiri are looking at name mugs at Joblot*
Kiri: let's look at the D's. I want one that says Dean... no? How bout the S's for Sam...
Me: I want one that says Lucifer!
Little old lady: *horrified stare as I happily mosey through mugs*
Kiri: ... I-.. I don't think you will find a Lucifer...
I've been informed today that I like "keepin' it homo".
I guess it's like keepin' it real. Real gay.
I just want to have a party where everyone dresses up as Loki... is that too much to ask?
"Dean, this is a very serious investigation. We don't have time for any of your blahblahblahblah."
I had popcorn in my mouth. I now have popcorn in my lungs and on my floor.
I want someone to be a mess with. I want someone who's demons play well with mine.
Tom: I got you a present.
Me: WHAT IS IT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
Tom: Not telling you.
Me: Give me the vaguest hint you can give.
Tom: .... Dehydration.
Me: wh- Aquaman? Did you get me Aquaman?
Tom: .... Yes. I got you Aquaman.
Me: *at comic book store looking at the Marvel stuff* Hey look at this poster it's so- OH MY GOD THOR AND HIS STUPID HAT. Look at his hat! Its a stupid hat.
Older guy who was looking through comics: *looks slightly offended* You know that was a relic he brought from his home? From Asgard? Its part of his armor.
Me: ITS A STUPID HAT. You can't even deny that the original Thor helmet looks dumb as hell. Even Loki! I love Loki and the original Loki helmet was a tiara with horns. THEY ALL HAVE STUPID HATS.
Older guy: *cannot help but laugh because he knows I'm right*
Okay, again. Another "I don't like to rant but this is facebook and I'm me so FU" thing.
As most of you know, I had weight loss surgery. This surgery was also meant to help some medical issues, however weight loss was the big motivator of it. And as sweet and supportive as most of you are, I've run into a few people (some close to home, some not so much), that completely spit on the idea of me using surgery as a weight loss alternative instead of "doing it myself and working for it.". These are the people who have also never tipped 130 on the scale.
Allow me to enlighten you a bit.
I had my surgery on March 26th. At the point of considering surgery, I weighed 296 pounds. Currently, I am 19 and weigh 233 pounds. Do you want to know the last time I weighed that? Sixteen. I was sixteen. There was never a point in my life where I wasn't chubby. Growing up my mom would constantly say "I always wanted a chubby daughter cause I think they are so cute.". People constantly made fat jokes. I grew up with two skinny sisters who were popular and pretty and all that and was constantly outcasted because of my weight.
Surgery came up as an option and I thought "Hm. You know, for once in my life, I'd like to go to a friends house and not have their friends be like "You're inviting Dani? Ugh.". Because people have done that. And it bothers me. I know I'm not your usual pick of friends, but how's about you talk to me and see what I'm like and THEN judge me on whether or not I'm worth talking to? No? Because I'm fat? Okay. Carry on. I'd like for a guy not to think I'm easy because I'm chubby and therefore OBVIOUSLY have low self esteem. I'd like to go into a normal clothing shop and try on a short dress and not immediately hiss at the thought. I'd like for people to talk about me without others going "Is she hot?" "Well... I guess." "Is she fat?" "Uhhmmm... Well she's chubbyyy...."
Again, the ones who shun me are people who never tipped 130. They never stood in a mirror and poked their stomach and have it look like jello. They never had to make sure their sleeves were covering most of their arms. They never had to consciously wear pants ALL THE TIME because they didn't want anyone to see their legs. Do you know what I'd do to be 130 pounds? A lot. And with the surgery, I'm not even seeing that as an ending goal. I'd be fine with 150.
These people who scold me for choosing surgery claim that I hadn't tried everything to lose it by myself. Funny. Last time I checked, I did. And you can ask a bunch of people. I didn't eat a ton in the first place. I tried exercise, I tried diets, I tried diet pills. Nothing worked. So this looked like my last little glimmer of hope before I gave into being "Dani? The fat one? Yeah her."
And you know what? I'm glad I did it.
My roommate and I were having a conversation about Sam and Dean Winchester. In our rp group, she's Dean. And as much as she loves Dean, she said she'd choose Sam as a boyfriend over Dean because she (in real life) act a lot like Dean and she thinks that would be weird.
I've figured out why I'd want Dean as a boyfriend over Sam. While Sam is affectionate and sweet and all, but Dean is hardened. He doesn't trust easy but when he does, he trusts with everything he's got. I would want to be the one to make him love me, make him look over at the spot on the couch I sit at and pine for me when I'm at work. He's also affectionate but not like "oh god cuddle me" affectionate, like me. And he's independent. I feel like Sam would need reassurance for things and Dean's just like "Don't like it? Tough." And I'd just be like "Dean don't you sass me." and he'd go "Sass." and then I'd try not to smile and he'd try not to smile and we'd go get a burger together.
Also I imagine the angry sex with Dean would be fantastic.
Eminem's Survival. My god, I don't know if I've ever let a sexier song caress my eardrums in such a dirty way.
*guy dressed as Captain Jack at faire*
Me: *runs up* Captain!
Him: Yes!
Me: I have to ask you something, but you must pay attention, savvy?
Him: Alright!
Me: I can get you a goat.. But you have to do this! *finger wiggle*
Him: Good! I can do this! *finger wiggle*
Me: Haha! *runs away*
*sees him again and runs up with paper*
Him: Did you find my goat?
Me: No.. But I found a drawing of a key! *hands paper with key drawing*
Him: WONDERFUL!
Me: *goes back to booth*
Him: *comes into booth*
Me: I couldn't find a goat.
Him: Oh?
Me: But I found something better. I FOUND A DRAWING OF A GOAT.
This is how I make friends.
*gets out of car and starts taking off costume*
Sora: Dani- Dani what are you doing?
Me: Nope.
Sora: Dani put on pants.
Me: Nope.
Sora: DANI WE'RE OUTSIDE PUT ON YOUR CLOTHES.
Me: Nope.
Commercial: The jeans and Jackets... Some might say it's the new suit-
Me: Go eat a butt.
Had a really bad day yesterday. And today started out bad and I started crying cause it was just a horribly bad day. But then I said "Hey day. Stop being bad." And I turned it awesome instead.
All today I was Sam in the bad luck episode.
And today, I lost my shoe.
No, like seriously. I locked my keys in my car, I woke up early with no coffee after 4 hours of sleep, and in the back parking lot I just pathetically whimpered "I lost my shoe.." And 6 people got it and went "awwww..."
Me: Bathing myself in bleach and hell fire wouldn't make me feel clean. I was fouled and violated by air.
Tom: I was reading that in a demonic voice...that was metal as hell..
Me: Yup. Accurate to how I said it.
Three ways I should be introduced.
"Hi, this is Dani. She's Cuban."
"Hi, this is Satan."
or
"Hi. This is my friend Dani. She doesn't wear pants."
Me: what color was his hair?
Sora: British.
DreamsexscenebetweenBellaandSam
Sam: *sultry* Are you sure...?
*sex scene*
Me: *tries to adjust to a new world where cheese and potatoes is oxygen*
Me: Theres a handful of good country songs.
Little sister: Not even. Theres just like one hand... Full.
Me: .... So a handful?
Her: ... yeah...
Older sister: Dad, you could get me a job with you.
Dad: Can't. I'm the hiring manager, so if I interview you and a few others, they'll get suspicious.
Me: They basically consider it favoritism cause you're his daughter.
Dad: No, it's more like Nepotism.
Me: ... What's that?
Dad: It's when you pick favorites cause of family.
Me: .... So favoritism.
Me: Sttteeffff... Guess what I had todaaayyy...
Steff: OMG YOU WHORE. Did you have shawarma? Did you, my sweet, cunty prince, dare take another lad to OUR place? You KNOW I've only theoretically tasted it's awesomeness through the interconnected fabrics of the multidimensional universe and that does NOT count. How dare you. How dare all of you.
Me: I had shawarma. BUT! I did not have it with anyone else. I had it by my lonesome. Not sure if this universe Tonysteff would like it :3
Steff: Awe :) I don't feel cheated on anymore. :') I wuv you snow cone!
Me: I wuv you too skittles!
Steff: ... See, snowcone works for my horny-deviled freeze myser. How does skittles reflect your ingeniously amoured genius lover?
Me: Because you have a beautifully shiny shell and a rainbow of fantastic, genius brain flavor! Plus, you're just so sweet. :3
Steff: You made my insides bleed love and squee with feels. That was adorable. You may call me skittles always. I accept!
Me: I would instead call you my tequila sunrise. Red, gold, and filled with alcohol that will lead to witty remarks and drunk science!
I've touched that which is pure with hands so foul...
(me on touching food after cleaning)
(to the tune of the FUN song)
This is my heart and here are my feelings
Here are my ovaries
Here are the ashes of everything I love
Down at the bottom of the seaaaaa.
Sora: There is no reason you should go through an entire family sized bag of popcorn in one day.
Me: There is also no reason for me to eat an entire watermelon in one day. I have no regrets."
Fame is a prison of choice and when we get there, we realize were serving a life sentence.
I am Douchebeard of the 7 seaasss...
Me: Would you care for a confection?
Shay: You've gained my affection with this confection.
Me: There is no exception to gaining affection with these confections.
Sora: It's like inception.
Me: Correction. It is not like inception. For there is no exceptions in gaining affection with confections.
Sora: Perfection.
Me: It is perfection for gaining affection with these confections without correction, exceptions or inceptions.
(going by the episode that the people you idolize kill you)
In the supernatural would, Steve Irwin's ghost is going to come up behind me and whisper "Crikey, what a beauty.." then proceed to tackle me dead.
Me: *walking through the food isles of Walmart*
Random older lady: *trying to balance boxes of food in arms and running towards cart* Oop! Oop! *drops things*
Me: *kneels down and picks up her dropped items because damnit if I'm not a dapper bastard* Here you are. *charming ass smile*
Random Older Lady: Oh! Thank you so much!
Kiri: *turns corner into isle* Awww are you being a good citizen Dani?
Random Older Lady: Yes he is. He's being a very good citizen.
Me: *beams like the god damn sun*
More Dani facts!
1.) When Dani sees/hears a CSI Miami joke, she is compelled to find a pair of sunglasses and tell people.
2.) Dani is very fond of jazz music, but doesn't listen to it often because she can't find the jazz radio station.
3.) Dani hates pants. Can't stand them.
4.) Dani is not very materialistic. She prefers food and experiences (or the money for those things) as gifts over things.
5.) Dani wants to be an actress really bad but, like most things Dani wants to do, she has no idea where to start.
6.) Dani goes on cleaning spritz where she will not rest until what she is cleaning is god damned clean.
7.) If Dani is angry, present her with beef jerky, popcorn, or a mango smoothie. She will find it excrutiatingly difficult to stay mad and will cuddle.
You don't have to love Eminem. You don't have to like him. You don't have to like his music. I will still communicate and befriend you even if we have a difference of opinion. What I don't particularly stand for, is when someone tries to tell me he's a sucky rapper and ICP is better. Why?
Because you're wrong.
12 random facts about me.
1.) I'm ridiculously confident with myself. People think that because I am chubby, that I have low self esteem. This is quite the farce. I am way too fantastic.
2.) I don't mind not being in a relationship. I'm actually quite content with the idea of living my years alone.
3.) I had stomach surgery to lose weight and help with some health issues. My stomach is the size of a banana, and I still somehow am able to eat ridiculous amounts of watermelon and popcorn.
4.) People say I'm heart wrenchingly adorable. I think this is true. I firmly believe this could get me everywhere.
5.) I am pansexual with a preference for ladies.
6.) I have nothing to hide. If you have a question, feel free to ask and I will answer to the best of my ability with honesty and sass.
7.) I have an actual zombie plan that I'm pretty sure I put way too much thought into. But hey, at least I'm prepared.
8.) Eminem, Pink, and Mumford and Sons are my top three favorite artists.
9.) I cry randomly because I miss my cat O'Malley.
10.) I fangirl a lot. Its fun and I like doing it so shut up.
11.) I want to be a hat maker at some point in my life.
12.) I believe in the good in the world. I don't hate. I love every single living thing whether I've met them or not.
*like for a letter thing of facebook*
My letter is L. (You did this on purpose.)
Things I like: Loki, love, Loki, llamas, Loki, lasagna, Loki, Loki, Loki.
Things I don't like: Lard.
Places I've been: Lima, Ohio
I think people need to realize something. Yes, I am nice. I'm incredibly nice. I'm one of the nicest people a person can meet. But please, for the love of god, do not take advantage of that. Because I am very patient. But push me too far, and I will become the most cruel, snarky, snappy, vindictive son of a bitch you will ever meet. Don't think that because I deal with bullshit from twenty people, because I have no choice, means that I'm going to deal with you.
The Conjuring.
Let me just hop into my Nopevan where I can Nope the fuck to Nopeville and hang out at the Nope with my Nopeies.
Greetings, those of this realm! It is I, the great Lord and Master, Sir D of Dorkendale! I am accompanied by the well trained (and devilishly handsome) knight, Sir Steffabee of Nerdenshire! We hail from the great lands of Dorknerdia and are here to pillage your world of it's kittens for our great UniKitty army!
or
Greetings, those of this realm! It is I, Captain D of Dorkendale!! I am accompanied by my well trained (and devilishly handsome) co captain, SirCaptain Steffabee of Nerdenshire! We hail from the trenches of the Dorknerdian Seas and are here to pillage your world of it's kittens for our great UniKitty army!
Steff and I's LARP intros.
Dear facebook,
Today, I told a man that I loved wonderful facial hair. He told me I might not after I knew where the insperation came from. He then proceeded to explain that he styled it after a portrayl of the Devil in a bible he had since he was young.
I told him I love it even more now. I then told him that my nickname is Satan because no one would believe the adorable little Cuban is Satan. He said he believed it.
Today was a good day.
- Dani
.... This is the only time I will ever say this.
I wana slap Eminem across the face.
I quote:
"Hiphop saved my life. It's the only thing I've ever been decent at."
....
Decent?
DECENT?
How's about phenomenal at? No? How's about "the only thing I've ever been considered the goddamned best at"?
There are times when being a self obsessed ass potato is okay, and this, my good man. This was one of them. And you completely tossed that opportunity.
You know who gets to be humble, Mr. Mathers? Tom Hiddleston. Tom Hiddleston gets to be a humble bastard. You? No. No you don't.
I'm irrationally angry with him but it'll go away in a few seconds. Continue with your day.
I think I have the best attitude towards being fat.
Me: Look! It jiggles! *jigglejiggle*
Me: *pokes and squishes stomach for the next 2 minutes*
Me: OMG MY ARMS! They are squishy! *stretches out arms*
Me:
Me:
Me: OMG I HAVE WINGS.
This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for my legs which are as soft as puppy fur and angel tears.
We put Big Bird in the oven and now he looks delicious.
Most of you won't understand why, but this is hilarious.
Dani-ism
Dani-ism 2
Dani-ism 3
Dani-ism 4
Dani-ism 5
Dani-ism 6
Dani-ism 7
Dani-ism 8
Stumble!
