Tears are the words that the heart cant say, im sorry i cant say these words im terrified it'll send you away. i cant stand to know, you feel tension between us, I dont understand how you can feel that, im sorry i dont let anyone in, or let them know my real thoughts, or even the real "me" but ive come to find, that there is no real me, just an empty black hole, and when if it shows, it just happens to suck you in, at first it may seem nice, special, cool, unique, whatever u may think u want it to be, but after a while u come to find, you'd rather hide...it scares me how my thoughts just run through my mind, none of them are nice or kind, all i see are pictures in black white and red, black and white for the dullness i feel and the red for the blood i sacrifice. i see pain and suffering, so i only live because of other peoples happiness...i put on my mask and my pretentious smile glamor and charm, and pretend that everythings alright. but its not, nothing ever is, or ever will be, i strain continiously for the bigger and better something, and each time i try i fail miserably...nothing ever goes right for me, and im always left behind, no matter how hard i can hold on, it always slips thru my fingers like trying to catch smoke, its like painting the colors of the wind. Attempting to know "me" is like tango-ing without a partner, maybe you'll catch a glimpse, if u can ever get the chance to look deep in my eyes, and see the sorrow the hurt the pain and failure and the lost pathetic confused person that is me. my soul no longer exists its just a vast empitness, that can only be filled by the urge to keep walking, on to find new better things, to make me happy...or atleast subdue my pain

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you

Do you ever want to run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over?

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be ok
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work
It was always there
You don't know what it's like
What it's like

To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

You promised me starry night skies
They just remind me of your shining bright eyes
Im missing your voice at night time
This separation seems a sad crime
but dont think i forgot you
you are oh so sweet i know
If only you were here
Things would be more magical
If i were there
Right now would be more radical
Youre so not near
Im wishing i could place a call
And feel closer to you
The miles of air and road and land
That separate me from all my plans
Were havin' fun
But something tells me i miss someone
but i hope you didn't forget me i couldn't
Forget you the whole time i always knew i knew
Say that youre into me just let me know how it will be
If you dont know dont say so
Ill wait till the perfect time think of all the perfect lines
Ill make sure if i let you know
Weve got movies on our list to see
Things to do just you and me
Calls to make from here to there and back
Weve got fun to have and days to spend
Stars to see or just pretend
At least for now just keep things right on track




Push my fingers into my eyes...
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache...
But it's made of all the things I am today...
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside...
If the pain goes on...
Aaaaaaaah!
I have screamed until my veins collapsed
I've waited last, my time's elapsed
Now, All I do is live with so much fate
I've wished for this, I've bitched at that
I've left behind this little fact:
You cannot kill what you did not create
I've gotta say what I've gotta say
And then I swear I'll go away
But I can't promise you'll enjoy the words
I guess I'll save the best for last
My future seems like on big past
You'll live with me 'cause you left me no choice
I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!
Pull me back together
Or seperate the skin from the bone
Leave me all the Pieces, and then you can leave me
alone
Tell me the reality is better than dream
But I found out the hard way,
Nothing is what it seems!
I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the thing I am today
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!
All I've got...all I've got is insane...
I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the thing I am today
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

I'LL DRAW YOU A PICTURE,
I'LL DRAW IT WITH A TWIST,
I'LL DRAW IT WITH A RAZORBLADE,
I'LL DRAW IT ON MY WRIST,
AND IF YOU DRAW IT CORRECTLY,
A FOUNTAIN WILL APPEAR,
TO WASH AWAY MY SORROWS,
TO CHASE AWAY MY FEARS.

This poem by a good friend seems to scream ME! exactly how i seem to feel and think...

I walk by a window,      
I stare at me,
But the me in the window,
Is better than me,


I've lied, I've stolen,
I've been scared,
But the me in the puddle,
Doesn't seem to care,


The me on the inside,
Feels sorrow and pain,
But the me in the mirror,
Seems perfectly sane,


The me in the glass,
Sees liquor being poured,
While the me in the body,
Sees a soothing accord,


The me in the water,
Watches me fall,
When my feet left the bridge,
I saw nothing at all.-Akeilla [MintlyNsane]

im not good...im dying...again, but this time i dont think i can be saved, its the situation where the one who made me this way can only make me better, but he's so blind to me, and so engulfed with all the prettier better girls other than i, that he just doesnt seem to notice, doesnt even seem to care, how much pain he causes me...i cant even get a look or a hello out of the guy, and im sure im not the only one to feel invisible to the world

Close your eyes for your eyes will only tell the truth, and the truth isn't what you want to see. In the dark, it is easy to pretend, that the truth is what it ought to be.

it is no surprise that, most of all, there is pain in superiority. I suffer... *sob* ... because I am better.

Some people are only alive because they haven't died yet.

Caution: May cause random orgasms ranging from subtle to mind-rending in magnitude.

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more
degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more
problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little,
drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

Through me the way into the suffering city,
Through me the way to the eternal pain,
Through me the way that runs among the lost.
Justice urged on my high artificer;
My maker was divine authority,
The highest wisdom, and the primal love.
Before me nothing but eternal things were made,
And I endure eternally.
Abandon every hope, ye who enter here.

Hello there
my angel of darkness
the light of my nightmare
my savior
my soul
my sorrow
my terror
is it time?
to soar the skies?
to dance beneath the stars?
is it time?
to sing in the rain?
to run with the wind?
has it come
to forget ourselves
and worry none?
but always will i worry
and ponder if its true
if im the only one
who sleeps alongside you
if what you say is real
if im really that special
or just another sex appeal
never will i know
and your word is all i have
so ill always second guess
that ill always be second best

Ive never loved like this before
such a strange and wild love
something so strong, but clam, that fear wakes my heart
what it is, i cant say
but love i know it is
no longer do others hold my heart
but yet the fear still exists
am i just another to him, or am i real?
does my mind exist to him, maybe
but who will ever know about a man?

For the first time in a long time
im no longer alone
For the first time in a long time
somebody cares
For the first time in a long time
ive found the one to love
For the first time in a long time
someones there to hold me
For the first time in a long time
someones there to help me out
For the first time in a long time
my needs dont go unfullfilled
For the first time in a long time
my life has a meaning
For the first time in a long time
that meaning is you
For the first time in a long time
i no longer want to die
For the first time in a long time
i dont feel like i need to cry
For the first time in a long time
you're something tangible
For the first time in a long time
im happy
For the first time in a long time
im no longer alone
For the first time in a long time
somebody cares

Deep into a dying day
I took a step outside an innocent heart
Prepare to hate me, fall when I may
This night will hurt you like never before
Old loves they die hard
Old lies they die harder
I wish I had an angel
For one moment of love
I wish I had your angel
Your Virgin Mary undone
I`m in love with my lust
Burning angel wings to dust
I wish I had your angel tonight
I`m going down so frail and cruel
Drunken disguise changes all the rules
Greatest thrill
Not to kill
But to have the prize of the night
Hypocrite
Wannabe friend
13th disciple who betrayed me for nothing!
Last dance, first kiss
Your touch, my bliss
Beauty always comes with dark thoughts
I wish I had an angel
For one moment of love
I wish I had your angel
Your Virgin Mary undone
I`m in love with my lust
Burning angel wings to dust
I wish I had your angel tonight

They are inside the city now. Glass-and-steel buildings tower, making her feel like a mouse running along a baseboard. It's intimidating. It's probably meant to be. The wide boulevards swarm wth people. She reaches out and takes the hand of the younge man beside her. "Scared?" he asks, only she hears his voice in her mind. She nods. He rubs her shoulders. "Don't be. This will work."

my angel of darkness
just a ghost in the rain
crying. dying.
out my emotions drain
confused. abused.
i dont know what to say
so sad. so glad.
will i ever get the time of day
to say. to stay.
i can never talk to you
its bad. its sad.
and theres nothing i can do
what do i do. to talk to you.
inside i cringe
i shrink. i sink.
on this 'no you' binge
not with you. what do i do.
youll be here
sometime soon. some afternoon.
ill hold you near
wont let go. let me hold you so.

Its going to be lonely here once the seniors leave...i'll walk down the hall still expecting them to be there, but i spose it wont be as weird as it was last year, i wasnt even used to the idea then...well then...like 15 days left untill schools out (including weekends) this will be interesting...hehe, my class is taking a test and im on the teachers computer, so i have to type quitely! hehe....i feel all rock-star cuteness today, again like josie and the pussy cats! hehe... all i need are the cat ears and the calico print belt...this chair is really uncomfortable...ive felt...stange...lately, i dont know why, its gotta be these fucked up "heart felt" conversations ive been having with Jill... she made me create some rules for dating me...hehe, fuck up and you're gone! i dont know, things are messed up lately, but i dont care...im still as happy as i need to be...but i still have so many things that just seem to race through my mind, i try to be opptimistic about things, but theres always that doubt that i have in my mind...and its pissing me off, because its starting to take control of how i look at things now, and its BAD!!! ok seriously! this chair is killing my butt, and there isnt a different one i can use! i think i shall just fall over dead, lay down and die... that sounds nice, i need sleep, i didnt go to bed untill 3 or so, cuz i was up all night coughing...i thought i would die, but nooo...lord forbid that i didnt! hehe...well then, im typing for the sake of typing, i spose i should go cuz this is long...maybe i'll post my "Rules for being Involved with Aubrey Ann Workman" up sometime...hehe!

Well now lets see....i went to school today, after being sick all day thursday! and i felt violated when i went to my doc appt on thursday, but atleast im all clean and healthy! hehe...well now, im really happy, for some odd reason, i dont know why...i miss people, of course, but yeah...oho! ok soo yeah i get home today to get on the net, and the first thing emily says to me is, "Did you use the bathroom at ford's house, cuz his sister is sayin you or i stole her perfume!" umm alright, i dont know what to say to that, just because she couldnt find her perfume, automatically means emily or I stole it?! i find it weird and akward, cuz like i have my own perfume, and i know emily has her own too, so why would we need sumone elses? i dont even know what kind of perfume she thinks we took!!! grrr..... oh well, that just gives her another reason to hate me*shrugs* i spose i wont be goin over there anymore:S I dont know anymore...im strange, and i like to over think things...i always seem to find the bad things first...im hoping that its going to change real soon! cuz i dont want anything to go bad anymore, im liking how things are now...i dont think id change anything major! but yah, im out

Seven Ages of Man

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players,
They have their exits and entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
Then, the whiling schoolboy with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Madew to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths, and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden, and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then, the justice
In fair round belly, with good capon lin'd,
With eye severe, and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws, and modern instances,
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose, and pouch on side,
His youthful hose well sav'd, a world too wide,
Fir his shrunk shank, and his big manly voice,
Turning again towards childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.
-Jacque ?