A new dawn emerges
with its layers and layers
of pink and yellows.

As the sun swallows up my
bedroom with satin rays of sunlight
I wake...
sweaty and screaming
foolish and alone.
And so I continue on...
living each day
feeling his sweat...
and hearing his heavy breath
in the back of my mind
every time silence creeps up on me.

Later I watch the sun, so naive
crawl under the horizon...
and I get restless as dusk approaches
for I know that when my head hits
that pillow...
the fight begins...
and he always wins
in the end.

Carrying my innocence off
holding it up to the moonlight
kicking and screaming until
...finally...
he leaves it and walks away
while is it raw and naked
shaking on the cold ground.

...until a new dawn emerges
with its layers and layers
of pinks and yellows...
Good morning.

You're like a drug
to which i am addicted
i cant get enough
it strangles me slowly
i enjoy it too much
when you're not around
my insides tighten
and my mind clouds over
i miss you around me
miss you holding me
miss your smile
i miss your eyes
through which i sware i can see your soul
i miss you hands
probing for something warm and soft
and i miss your voice
so soft and caring yet strong and funny
but when you're near
its like everything it right
my knees are weak and i get butterflies
to be around my drug
is over whelming
and to be away in deeply depressing
so please dont take my drug
dont remove yourself from me

Hello there
my Angel of Darkness
have you returned
to steal my heart
and lift me upon
your great wings
to hold me
and let me make you smile
it's been rough
lately
i know
your flight away from me
was depressing
for us both
but dont worry
i'm back now
please let me hold you
we'll fly far far away
as our bodies intermingle
and become one
and never will it hurt
to see you glide off
into the darkening night's sky

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

What you see's not what you get
With you there's just no measurement
No way to tell what's real from what isn't there
Your eyes they sparkle
That's all changed into lies that drop like acid rain
You washed away the best of me
You don't care

You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for
In this world
There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You're wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone

Sometimes shattered
Never open
Nothing matters
When you're broken
That was me whenever I was with you
Always ending
Always over
Back and forth, up and down like a rollercoaster
I am breaking
That habit
Today

There is nothing you can say
Sorry doesn't cut it, babe
Take the hint and walk away
'Cause I'm gone
Doesn't matter what you do
It's what you did that's hurting you
All I needed was the truth
Now I'm gone

What you see's not what you get

You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for
In this world
There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You're wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone
I'm already gone
Oh, I'm already gone, gone, gone, gone
Already gone
I'm gone

I don't believe
In the smile that you leave
When you walk away
And say goodbye
Well I don't expect
The world to move underneath me
But for God's sake
Could you try?
I know that you're true to me
You're always there
You say you care
I know that you want to be mine

Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
That's all I'm asking for
Oh, where is your heart?

I don't understand
Your love is so cold
It's always me that's reaching out
For your hand
And I've always dreamed
That love would be effortless
Like a petal fallin' to the ground
A dreamer followin' his dream

It seems so much is left unsaid
So much is left unsaid
But you can say anything
Oh, anytime you need
Baby, it's just you and me
Oh yeah

I know that you're true to me
You're always there
You say you care
I know that you want to be mine

Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
That's all I'm asking for
Oh yeah

Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
And that's all I'm asking for
Where is your heart?

Hear me
Hear me

You gotta be out there
You gotta be somewhere
Wherever you are
I'm waiting
'Cause there are these nights when
I sing myself to sleep
And I'm hopin' my dreams
Bring you close to me
Are you listening?

Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me
Hear me

Hear me
Can you hear me?
Hear me

I used to be scared of
Letting someone in
But it gets so lonely
Being on my own
No one to talk to
And no one to hold me
I'm not always strong
Oh, I need you here
Are you listening?

Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me

I'm restless and wild
I fall, but I try
I need someone to understand
Can you hear me?
I'm lost in my thoughts
And baby I'm far
For all that I've got
Can you hear me?

Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Can you hear me?
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Can you hear me?
Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me

I woke up today
Woke up wide awake
In an empty bed
Staring at an empty room
I have myself to blame
For the state I'm in today
And now dying
Doesn't seem so cruel
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore

I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?

You got what you deserved
Hope you're happy now
'Cause everytime I think of her with you
It's killing me
Inside, and
Now I dread each day
Knowing that I can't be saved
From the loneliness
Of living without you
And, oh
I don't know what to do
Not sure that I'll pull through
I wish you knew

I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?

I hate myself for losing you
And oh, I don't know what to do
I wish you knew
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore
No, no

I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?
What do you say when everything's said?
Is the reason why he left you in the end?
How do you cry when every tear you shed
Won't ever bring him back again?
I hate myself for loving you

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these chocolate eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

No Angels Were Found


I was walking in circles
Went round and around
I looked up in the air
No angels were found


Remaining heart sweet
There’s no angel to send
Once again being fooled
Of those angels pretend


Those gossamer wings
Sought them everywhere
In even moving furniture
I looked neath the chair


No angels could I find
Up to sky ,viewed again
All I heard was the sound
Roaring engine of a plane


Jump off the tall buildings
You’ll surely hit the ground
No wings there to rescue
No angels are ever found


Neath angel wings to fly
This must be all a rumour
Love I enjoy in my heart
Besides a sense of humour
-risen messiah

Lyrics of the day, week, month....'Beautiful Disaster' by Kelly Clarkson...Is it just me...or does this not PERFECTLY describe my life lately?

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He's as damned as he seems
More Heaven than a heart could hold
And if I tried to save him
My whole world could cave in
Just ain't right
Lord just ain't right

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Oh would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

His magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold me tight
Baby hold me tight

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Oh would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm waiting for some kind of miracle
Waiting so long

He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the ends he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take

Oh cuz I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
he's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Oh would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's beautiful
Oh he's so beautiful
He's beautiful

Free my wings from your chains of jealousy
Free my body from your ropes of hatred
Free my soul from your cage of sorrow
Free my heart from you decive of pain
let me go from you gaze of want
Let me free of your bruising hands
Let me live a life of freedom
Let me sleep a night of peace
Soon you'll be gone
In a life of new wonders
Leaving me behind in your chains of love
Leaving me in a world of darkness
taking my sanity
On your black wings of night
Swiftly flying away from me
Gone into the dark unknowing endlessness
GOODBYE MY ANGEL OF DARKNESS

my weekend has been shitty... i mean i dont really care, its like any other weekend for me...but lets see, friday i went shopping, then sat i was driving my car to my moms work for her, and i got pulled over for going "39 in a 25" even tho im perdy damn sure that i was goin 30 cuz i checked it right when i passed the po. oh well, so yeah i got a 166.50 fine for speeding and school permit violation...which i spose isnt that bad, but i might not be elligble for my p.o.p. and my rents are forcing me to get a job now...and i either have to go to court, or take a stop class...but oh well...the good news is that my rents didnt kill me like i thought they would...awesome right? well hmm.... theres nothing really to discuss...but im out lata

Holy shit...peeps are sooo good! specially the blue ones....they change the color of your tongue! YES! lol...well lets see... i went shopping today, and i got sum new clothes but i cant tell yall bout em till AFTER easter:P cuz thats what they're for its gunna be great, but lemme tell ya they're soooo CUTE! hehe...well i recieved a well idk, depressing yet good message, i mean i didnt know! sry hun....but like idk, i mean i was gettin pissy for no reason, sooo yeah i dunno...well im out yall late!

hahaha bitches...oh man i feel great, i spose i shouldnt...but i do...i looked awesome today, and my joshy dear just knows how to keep me feelin awesome...gotta choir thing tonight...but no fuckin clue when it starts...oh well:P pixie sticks are fuckin awesome too...snort em and its even better...ya'll should see the fuckin huge ass line that i made for ben and i then i gotta big sugar crystal..kinda hurt:P oh well! well ppl are douche bags and need to get their heads outta their asses...but as my thin-kiny says i luv boys theyre stupid! well im out lata ppls!

FUCK fuckity fuck fuck fuck...why me? thats all i have to say!!! its always me...shit shit shit! i lose my car for a few days but who cares? my dad can be my fuckin ride when i need it...so he can fuck off...and so can everyone else! cmon wouldnt you be stressing when u know the guy ur dating is pry gunna ditch ya for someone else whos totally not worth it...whos pry just out to make my life a living hell and to pay me back b/c i like her fuckin X! so who cares? sry but i gotta say this...if she pisses you off so much and ur perdy much always fighting? whats that worth? i personally dont like it too much...idk bout u... but ya know what ever floats ur fucking boat... i mean dont get me wrong...im not pissed...jealous perhaps...that youd rather have sumthing like that...when u could have me? but hey! whos gunna listen to sumone like me? i cant talk about it...cuz i hate crying and thats what id pry end up doing... so i type here... but i dont know, i mean i perdy much told josh to fuck off, jsut for DH cuz idk i mean DH has the things i want, the mind personality, i mean the way he looks at me is like he sees only me, atleast at the time, and when he touches me its like nothing ever goes wrong in life! but i dont know i feel really bad about josh cuz he perdy much told me that he loves me, and its like oh god what am i getting myself into? will it hurt? YEAH MOST LIKELY!!! but yeah...lets see.... on to sum better news...i gotta email! and food is good... today sucked extreme...like for 6, and 7 th period, i felt like i was gunna harf...then like during 8th i was shaking and shivering and i had like a fever and shit...and i was like tryin to draw and i didnt do that well cuz my hands were shaking so bad...then i like idk spaced out or sumthin for like half the class and couldnt remember anything i had just done, but i did an awesome pic...soo its all good then i went to the eye doc, and got stronger contacts..i sware my doc creeps me out... idk but like he's always looking at me weird...and like i feel like hes gunna rape me or sumthin! but hey im eatin so im out! late!

Wow...my diary really is sad and empty, but not for long! First things first, my day has been great, for sum really fuckin odd reason, cuz i really did nothing but like i mean i went tanning, and i got free lotion and a tanning session and like then i worked out for 2 hours...im gunna be so sore tomorrow i was really hyper today...it was strange but so awesome, i turned a job app. at GF's and then hung out with keith then em and josh and yeah idk tomorrow i hang out with peewee and i dont really wanna but i just dont know how to say no...so i hope it isnt long, i want certain ppl to come home NOW! then i can hug em and kiss em and squeeze em and hold em...lol ok im done, i hope i can remember this so i can tell about my weekend, since last week i couldnt remember what i did on sat! Whoops...well lets see...my life WAS a living hell, total confusion and hatred everywhere i turned...as someone great once said, "highschool drama...its like a bad sitcom" true very true! then my god like best friend talked sense when it was needed most, and now thanks to her, the gurl that i will always love forever and ever, has made my life highly worth living for! now lets see...idk whats been goin on lately...but somehow a joke was made about sumthin really stupid, and the other chick we were with took it seriously...i mean i dont understand! its totally like shes afraid that em will steal her MAN away from her...hun first off...why the fuck would she want HIM back? cmon he's urs and dont u think id backhand her b4 she ever made THAT mistake again!? second...YOU SHOULD BE MAD AT ME TOO! cuz i was right there fuckin around with ya about all that shit...soooo lighten the fuck up...well now... theres nothing to really say guys, lets see i absolutely hate retarded ppl, and ppl who cant get their shit straight or make up their minds cuz that just bugs the fuck outta me... ppl just need to go with the flow man! i also hate stuck up ppl or ppl who make alot of stuff up about themselves to appear cooler than they are... but usually they're just lame ol' douche bags who've got nuttin goin for um...i can see at some points u know...whats a lil white lie? so long as u live up to it or sumthin! god damn... now...hmmm i feel bad cuz like josh emailed me telling me how much he liked me and u know heartbreak and he had to bring up the whole kid thing...and well u know i just had to mail him back and break the goddamned news on him...i mean it wasnt bad news...pry the best ive heard in well...ok i dont remember the last time i heard good news lets just say it was a long time ago! well...i dont know, its really late and i spose i should go, or else i might pass out at the computer...even tho i did get 13 hours of sleep last night...ohhh man...that was the BEST EVER!!! well im out late!