I woke up today
Woke up wide awake
In an empty bed
Staring at an empty room
I have myself to blame
For the state I'm in today
And now dying
Doesn't seem so cruel
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore

I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?

You got what you deserved
Hope you're happy now
'Cause everytime I think of her with you
It's killing me
Inside, and
Now I dread each day
Knowing that I can't be saved
From the loneliness
Of living without you
And, oh
I don't know what to do
Not sure that I'll pull through
I wish you knew

I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?

I hate myself for losing you
And oh, I don't know what to do
I wish you knew
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore
No, no

I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?
What do you say when everything's said?
Is the reason why he left you in the end?
How do you cry when every tear you shed
Won't ever bring him back again?
I hate myself for loving you

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

No Angels Were Found


I was walking in circles
Went round and around
I looked up in the air
No angels were found


Remaining heart sweet
There’s no angel to send
Once again being fooled
Of those angels pretend


Those gossamer wings
Sought them everywhere
In even moving furniture
I looked neath the chair


No angels could I find
Up to sky ,viewed again
All I heard was the sound
Roaring engine of a plane


Jump off the tall buildings
You’ll surely hit the ground
No wings there to rescue
No angels are ever found


Neath angel wings to fly
This must be all a rumour
Love I enjoy in my heart
Besides a sense of humour
-risen messiah

Lyrics of the day, week, month....'Beautiful Disaster' by Kelly Clarkson...Is it just me...or does this not PERFECTLY describe my life lately?

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He's as damned as he seems
More Heaven than a heart could hold
And if I tried to save him
My whole world could cave in
Just ain't right
Lord just ain't right

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Oh would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

His magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold me tight
Baby hold me tight

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Oh would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm waiting for some kind of miracle
Waiting so long

He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the ends he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take

Oh cuz I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
he's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Oh would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's beautiful
Oh he's so beautiful
He's beautiful

Free my wings from your chains of jealousy
Free my body from your ropes of hatred
Free my soul from your cage of sorrow
Free my heart from you decive of pain
let me go from you gaze of want
Let me free of your bruising hands
Let me live a life of freedom
Let me sleep a night of peace
Soon you'll be gone
In a life of new wonders
Leaving me behind in your chains of love
Leaving me in a world of darkness
taking my sanity
On your black wings of night
Swiftly flying away from me
Gone into the dark unknowing endlessness
GOODBYE MY ANGEL OF DARKNESS

my weekend has been shitty... i mean i dont really care, its like any other weekend for me...but lets see, friday i went shopping, then sat i was driving my car to my moms work for her, and i got pulled over for going "39 in a 25" even tho im perdy damn sure that i was goin 30 cuz i checked it right when i passed the po. oh well, so yeah i got a 166.50 fine for speeding and school permit violation...which i spose isnt that bad, but i might not be elligble for my p.o.p. and my rents are forcing me to get a job now...and i either have to go to court, or take a stop class...but oh well...the good news is that my rents didnt kill me like i thought they would...awesome right? well hmm.... theres nothing really to discuss...but im out lata

Holy shit...peeps are sooo good! specially the blue ones....they change the color of your tongue! YES! lol...well lets see... i went shopping today, and i got sum new clothes but i cant tell yall bout em till AFTER easter:P cuz thats what they're for its gunna be great, but lemme tell ya they're soooo CUTE! hehe...well i recieved a well idk, depressing yet good message, i mean i didnt know! sry hun....but like idk, i mean i was gettin pissy for no reason, sooo yeah i dunno...well im out yall late!

hahaha bitches...oh man i feel great, i spose i shouldnt...but i do...i looked awesome today, and my joshy dear just knows how to keep me feelin awesome...gotta choir thing tonight...but no fuckin clue when it starts...oh well:P pixie sticks are fuckin awesome too...snort em and its even better...ya'll should see the fuckin huge ass line that i made for ben and i then i gotta big sugar crystal..kinda hurt:P oh well! well ppl are douche bags and need to get their heads outta their asses...but as my thin-kiny says i luv boys theyre stupid! well im out lata ppls!

FUCK fuckity fuck fuck fuck...why me? thats all i have to say!!! its always me...shit shit shit! i lose my car for a few days but who cares? my dad can be my fuckin ride when i need it...so he can fuck off...and so can everyone else! cmon wouldnt you be stressing when u know the guy ur dating is pry gunna ditch ya for someone else whos totally not worth it...whos pry just out to make my life a living hell and to pay me back b/c i like her fuckin X! so who cares? sry but i gotta say this...if she pisses you off so much and ur perdy much always fighting? whats that worth? i personally dont like it too much...idk bout u... but ya know what ever floats ur fucking boat... i mean dont get me wrong...im not pissed...jealous perhaps...that youd rather have sumthing like that...when u could have me? but hey! whos gunna listen to sumone like me? i cant talk about it...cuz i hate crying and thats what id pry end up doing... so i type here... but i dont know, i mean i perdy much told josh to fuck off, jsut for DH cuz idk i mean DH has the things i want, the mind personality, i mean the way he looks at me is like he sees only me, atleast at the time, and when he touches me its like nothing ever goes wrong in life! but i dont know i feel really bad about josh cuz he perdy much told me that he loves me, and its like oh god what am i getting myself into? will it hurt? YEAH MOST LIKELY!!! but yeah...lets see.... on to sum better news...i gotta email! and food is good... today sucked extreme...like for 6, and 7 th period, i felt like i was gunna harf...then like during 8th i was shaking and shivering and i had like a fever and shit...and i was like tryin to draw and i didnt do that well cuz my hands were shaking so bad...then i like idk spaced out or sumthin for like half the class and couldnt remember anything i had just done, but i did an awesome pic...soo its all good then i went to the eye doc, and got stronger contacts..i sware my doc creeps me out... idk but like he's always looking at me weird...and like i feel like hes gunna rape me or sumthin! but hey im eatin so im out! late!

Wow...my diary really is sad and empty, but not for long! First things first, my day has been great, for sum really fuckin odd reason, cuz i really did nothing but like i mean i went tanning, and i got free lotion and a tanning session and like then i worked out for 2 hours...im gunna be so sore tomorrow i was really hyper today...it was strange but so awesome, i turned a job app. at GF's and then hung out with keith then em and josh and yeah idk tomorrow i hang out with peewee and i dont really wanna but i just dont know how to say no...so i hope it isnt long, i want certain ppl to come home NOW! then i can hug em and kiss em and squeeze em and hold em...lol ok im done, i hope i can remember this so i can tell about my weekend, since last week i couldnt remember what i did on sat! Whoops...well lets see...my life WAS a living hell, total confusion and hatred everywhere i turned...as someone great once said, "highschool drama...its like a bad sitcom" true very true! then my god like best friend talked sense when it was needed most, and now thanks to her, the gurl that i will always love forever and ever, has made my life highly worth living for! now lets see...idk whats been goin on lately...but somehow a joke was made about sumthin really stupid, and the other chick we were with took it seriously...i mean i dont understand! its totally like shes afraid that em will steal her MAN away from her...hun first off...why the fuck would she want HIM back? cmon he's urs and dont u think id backhand her b4 she ever made THAT mistake again!? second...YOU SHOULD BE MAD AT ME TOO! cuz i was right there fuckin around with ya about all that shit...soooo lighten the fuck up...well now... theres nothing to really say guys, lets see i absolutely hate retarded ppl, and ppl who cant get their shit straight or make up their minds cuz that just bugs the fuck outta me... ppl just need to go with the flow man! i also hate stuck up ppl or ppl who make alot of stuff up about themselves to appear cooler than they are... but usually they're just lame ol' douche bags who've got nuttin goin for um...i can see at some points u know...whats a lil white lie? so long as u live up to it or sumthin! god damn... now...hmmm i feel bad cuz like josh emailed me telling me how much he liked me and u know heartbreak and he had to bring up the whole kid thing...and well u know i just had to mail him back and break the goddamned news on him...i mean it wasnt bad news...pry the best ive heard in well...ok i dont remember the last time i heard good news lets just say it was a long time ago! well...i dont know, its really late and i spose i should go, or else i might pass out at the computer...even tho i did get 13 hours of sleep last night...ohhh man...that was the BEST EVER!!! well im out late!