Okay, so, if you have little to no interest in the drama of my life (Which you probably don't) dun read this. ^^; It's a rant. I warn you now, it WILL uselessly take up your time if you read it.

Okay. Archania. I'm getting really tired of Archania. I'm getting tired of the problems that show up over and over and over agian. I'm getting tired of people pressuring us to expand. I'm tired of people throwing gifts at our feet because they pity us. Because they think that we're weak. Because they think i've completely damaged what Archania stands for, and thusly the people are suffering. That's shit. Do you know that there hasn't been a population increase of this magnitude for hundereds of years? I'm tired of this. I'm tired of people thinking they can walk all over my country. Well, they can't. We're still proud, we're still warriors, and we're still ready to fight if you shove a spear in our face. Once upon a time people were careful of what they said to an Archanian woman. She might kick their ass. Once upon a time people only said the most respectful, careful things to an Archanian queen. If you hurt her pride, she'd hurt your people. I don't want fear, but I do want respect. There has to be a better way to get respect than fear, right? But I can't do it with the reputation Archania had once upon a time. I know that what i'm doing has been good and will continue to be helpful to my people. I know that, within my heart, and my Archanian Council knows that, and the King knows that, and my own advisors know that. The government knows that, and so do most of the people. It's the OTHER countries I can't get it through to. I dont' know. One thing's for sure. I DONT want Mark's help. He thinks he's so high and mighty. So pure and good. As soon as I get even a little angry he pulls the holier-than-thow attitude on me. Like he's so good. Like he's so perfect. YES, I have the capacity for anger. NO, I don't like war. I am not perfect. I am not perfect. I wish people would stop expecting me to be, and see what i"m going through. I'm getting good grades, managing a country, managing 40+ people in my head, managing a relationship, managing my social life at school, and managing my parents. SOMEONE put me up for SAINTHOOD for not having CRACKED sooner!

Aaaaand i'm done. I think. Whew.

Walking home, I decide to take a shortcut. I slip down a road I don't know and hear him calling me. I spin around, and there he is. He's a two-faced fairy who points the way with his eyes, confusing, beguiling, enticing you into his arms and away from your goals. He steals away time, and hides the things we love. He is the blindfold over the eyes of the all-seeing hawk. He is the wind that seduces those who dare to climb the mountain, or take the boat out to sea. He is the one who puts the mask over our loved ones who have passed away. He stands, enshrouded in mist, just out of sight. We try to stay away from him, and yet become him. You cannot see him, unless you take on his name. He is “Lost”, and so am I.

Mom's taking me to the doctor today cuz of my sick. I'm scared. I dun like doctors.

Mark's been acting weird lately. He's...I dunno, being un-cheerful. I'm not used to it. I miss cheery-summery-woo Mark. I dunno.

I haven't eaten for 3 days. I mean, I had a sandwich yesterday, but that was all. I feel good.

Dunno what to do. Things are being weird. I've been cleaning like crazy. My room is sparkling.

Oh, yeah. I was gonna say this: Damn. FA's down.

Leave me be, i've got stuff wrong with me.

SO damn dizzy! I swear to you, this is crazy weirdness. >< What's wrong with me? Anyway, not what i was going to talk about. ...Wait...what WAS I going to talk about? GOD DAMN IT! *sighs* T_T Anyway, i'll think of it in a minute.

So, I'm at school right now. I'm really dizzy, and sound keeps coming sorta...in and out. Or at least the aknowledgement (is that how you spell that? I think not) of sound...ugh. School is not a good idea.

Passed out for the first time yesterday. At least twice, I think maybe three times. I had a bad fever, and was stupid enough to take a hot shower. Not making that mistake again.

I learned something today. If you loose something, you cannot PLAN on finding it.

So I put a link to my Fur Affinity account on my page, if anyone didn't notice. LOooOOoooOooOoooOOOoook at it. You know you want to. I'm a whore for comments and critiques. Just look at it, recognize it, and I dont care what the hell you say about it. (Okay, that's a lie, of course I do, but seriously...) Feed me, FEEEEEEeeEEeeeEEeeeD ME!.... comments!

I can do it myself. Why does she have to try to help me? I'm trying to make a point. I'm trying to prove myself. Maybe to myself, but still...trying to prove a point. Trying to make people see that I'm for real, that I'm not a bunch of bragging and hot air. I know what i'm doing. I can do it myself. I NEED to do it myself.

I watched the Exorcist. T_T Not scary. I think my own experiences with posession make it...stupid and really highly...er...stupid. There was maybe one scary part, and the beginning took forever. I wanted to be freaked out, but I slept just fine last night. You loose, Exorcist. Scariest movie of all time my ass. My pirate-themed ass.

I've been using mom's shower so I don't have to wash away his footprints...


But grandma's coming over, so tonight I'll watch them disappear down the drain.

You know, I don't think that people realize that for every really great piece (of artwork) there's seven really horrible ones, eight alright ones, and about ten that fall in between those two. I think its really hard to get to a poit where you shell out great stuff every time.

I've been...pissy lately. Really really pissy. What happened to sweet, peaceful, kind Eerielle? Hmm? What happened to that? I'm sort of disappointed with myself. Any suggestions?

I got a Fur Affinity account. ^^ It's a-pretty-pretty cool to quote my journal entry on there. ^^;; Anyway, besides that, not much else is new. Mark and I are still having some issues...^^;; I guess I'm more of a bitch than usual lately. But oh well, life goes on. An on, and on. And APPARANTLY, i'm not supposed to EVER WRITE HIS NAME, ever. Is it holy? I dunno... Anyway, i'm in class right now. I should probably be working on this contract defining paper......eh. Ick. Business Law sucks. SO boring. At least its super easy. Anyway, i'menna go now. I've got a busy day. I'm giving my storytelling speech today, the one about the butterfly. Pearly, I sent that one to you... anyway...Cheers!

Hand and Hand with Death

And softly whisper gentle feet
Around my ready bed
My bags are packed, my cloak is pulled
And I, my cheeks and lips still red

He comes around and pulls the sheets
From my woken form
And with smiles, gently greets
My skin still flushed and warm

He takes my hand,
My fingers kissed, by cold and pale lips
Lose their warmth, but cloak and cloth
Keep me snug as nightlight dips

And hand in hand we walk together
From my room into the night
Fearing no wind ‘nor the weather
He wraps around me, holds me tight

Down a path I’ve never seen
To a singing, golden place
Life is gone, and death the sheen
That gold-warm fills my joyous face

The girl I left back in the bed
Naked now, and cold
Will be mourned, though, in my ‘stead
As Death and I walk together, bold

I feel silly, and stupid, and awakward. *laughs* But i'm really happy about it. He just sort of...walked up to me. I'd been watching him all night. *smiles* He was really cute. The slow dance started and I was sitting there...like a fairytale he just came up to me and extended his hand. "Do you want to dance?"

"...S-sure." And we did. My hands were in the wrong places, and i was afraid to call attention to it by changing them. My feet hit his a few times, and all my answers to his questions were delayed. It took me a few minutes to realize that i should answer back, or ask a question.. *laughs* He asked me my name, and it took me like...thirty seconds to ask him his. *laughs* I was so flustered. It was so awesome. I was blushing and looking down most of the time.

He was older than me, I think. He smelled very very faintly like cigarette smoke. I liked it. He was really handsome. After the dance was over, our hands sort of...awkwardly detangled, and he offered to buy me a drink. *laughs* I said NO. Gods, I should have said yes. But then I wondered if he was 21...*smiles* I dont' care.

I stayed for one more dance. "Sweet Home Alabama" and then I left. Mom was really excited for me, but i was so embarassed I had to get out of there. I dont know if I could have looked at him straight again. He was so cute. *smiles broadly and tries not to cry from joy* Stuff like this doesn't happen to me.

She's my mother. Not from this life, but from another. I dont know if i can make myself love her. I'm scared of her. She's so malicious. So mean. She enjoys the torture, and enjoys his screams....But she cares about me. The only person who's ever told me they were proud.

*sighs* I should start this again, too. But what should I say? That i'm lonely without my old friends? That i feel sick because i've missed so much? That i want you all to still love me, but I dont honestly expect it...*sighs* And my Mark-chan's been gone in stupid Hawaii for a few weeks and wont be back for a whole 9 more days. >< I dont know if i can wait for Emmi that long, it's driving me up the wall. I cry every time Mark starts me into talking about him, or i think about him or anything. Ugh. And to top it all off Mark's having problems with Andy and Andy loves Mark to DEATH. But Mark loves Nail, and Nail would never REALLY love Mark, not in 100 years. Not while Rean's in the picture. And ANGELICA. >< UGH! I'm sick of my own Mother! She says she hates drama, but she sure causes a helluvalot of it. Poor Thelonius. I know no one has any small CLUE of what i'm talking about. I dont care. It's good to just get it out. I'm worried, and semi-happy, and guilty, and you know...just...."*sigh*"