I love Emily so much we've been together for 6 months and everything is awesome.

It isn't about pride, it's about truth. I don't want to fight with her but I don't even know if it is about how she gets. Sometimes I just wonder if she really cares. I know she is a real person but I know she lied when I was with her before. I think she's changed but at times I'm not so sure. If I meant anything to her would she still push me away like this? I wrote that last poem with her in mind. I wish she would just come to me. I'm not so ready to leave her behind. I guess I'm just waiting. Why is everything so confusing. Part of me feels like it doesn't even care. I guess all I can do is wait. I did make the first move. Oh well I'm sure it will all work itself out. I just wish I knew what to think. I hate how she turns into this person sometimes that I know that I don't know. It is so hard to deal with because I do care and to see her being a bitch to everyone I just can't take it. I always swore I would keep her from turning into something she doesn't want to be and that I would point out her problems and mistakes. I just don't know what it all means and what it is all about any more.

I finally wrote a new poem...


i really need to talk to you I don't know what to say but every time I look at you my words get in the way my mind is slowly melting my heart's begun to frost and centuries of wandering have only got me lost creatures hide behind my eyes with every time I stare though everybody looks at me I doubt they really care slide across the frozen pond and sinking slowly through I'll just continue wondering what I'm supposed to do

I miss Emily something awful. I wish the sleepover had gone so much better and I feel like the us that was then and the us that is now are different. I feel like we had the time and we wasted it. I hope we get another chance to do it right. I feel like I am getting older and losing everything that I have. I don't know what I want to do for work and I kinda just want to die now while am still happy. Kill me while I'm happy and I will never be sad again. Emily is scared about me and Leah in june which is in 9 months. She is worried about what might possibly happen in 9 months. I just know that if the time comes around and me and Emily are still together then i won't even want to do anything with leah. Oh well if I don't get that package soon I probably won't be going down anyway. Without trust there is nothing and I am not about to go stay with someone like that if I don't trust them. I guess that's about all I miss you Emily I love you.

I just feel like everything is same old same old. I have to move some stuff from the barn into the basement. I might be seeing Emily tonight I hope I do. not really a lot to say today just bleh.

Have you ever wanted two things and known in your heart that things could only be one way? I don't know why anything happenes but I have hope that it will all work out. Part of me hopes me and Emily arent together in June because it will make things easier and less complicated. The army would tear me away from a single standing ground that I might be able to have. Basically I wouldn't be able to settle down really. I want to make decisions that will make me happy but I guess I just have to build off what I have. I have a while to decide what I want to do and i don't know. I love that Emily is supportive of whatever I want to do but I wish she would help me make the decision. My grandmother is trying to shun me away from the army and tell me all these things that aren't true in a futile attempt to scare me. I'm not scared and I know that it would be a great life for me. I think I would get bored if I was in the movie profession or if I did any other kind of job. I can't stand sitting in one spot and doing the same thing and the idea of doing the same thing for the rest of my life scares me and makes me feel claustrophobic. Ya know I do want to be all that I can be and I do want to have that sense of pride and power. I want to know that I have respect and power and that I can do something. To me an army of one says to me that one man can turn the tides of battle or even of life and politics. I've always wanted to join the army ever since I can remember. We used to have rock fights when I was as young as kindergarten and I just loved the feeling of combat like it is this thirst. If I enlist I don't want to be sitting around at a desk. I want to be out there blowing peoples fuckin heads off and being a fuckin killing machine. I'm an adrenaline junky and I just know that I would be in this constant state of euphoria. I'm almost positive that this is what I want to do. Blah I don't know.

Emily thinks my mom hates her and she is a total wierdo about me giving her rides home from school and stuff. Today she got all mad for like no reason and it just really really bugs me. The recruiter came to my ouse today from the ARMY. I think it sounds really good and really fun and I think it might be what I want to do. It is all just happening so fast and I don't know what to think of it all. When Emily should be by my side she is causing me stress. I got into her graphic design class today because someone is dropping it specifically so I can get in. I don't deserve that. There is nothing special about me, not now. I just want to talk to Emily. When I talk to her she makes me feel like my life has meaning and it is getting harder to feel that way. Why do I bother writing in here so much anyway? It's not like anyone reads it except for Emily now and then. If you read my diary I want you to send me a message and let me know. I always like when people make comments.

Today I was in a horrible mood and she came to me and it made me so happy and feel warm inside. I'm so glad I have her and I'm so lucky. I love her so much. Her mom called my cell earlier and I answered the ohone "I was just thinking about you". Apparently she hadn't gotten home on the bus or something and now I have been calling and no one is home. Blah I hope everyhting is ok but I'm sure it's ok. I feel so bad cuz I blew her off twice today when I told her I would meet her between classes. I was doing things for her and I have a big supprise for her I just can't say what yet because I don't want her to find out.

Whenever she talks to me my body seems to melt. When she is gone I am scared and I wonder what she is doing and I don't feel like I can trust her at all. She has lied and hidden things from me on several ocasions and has gotten more chances and broken those too. I feel like I am the butt of the joke and like everyone knows what is going on except me. I really think she is cheating on me or at least is ready to. She dumped me and then spent the next 3 days trying to get me back. I don't understand how things could have changed so much. When I am with her she makes me happy and when I am away she makes me uncomfortable. I just want to let her go and move on with my life so she can't play me and drag me down again. I wanna quite while I am ahead and go on to another relationship. I don't know why. I'm just confused and scared really. I flirted with Leah a little last night. I don't think it was too bad but it makes me feel like my heart isn't totally with Emily any more. I don't think...I think I might be falling out of love with her and I am trying to make myself happy more then her. I'll always love her but I just don't know any more. I deffinately don't trust her one bit. I don't say it back when she tells me she loves me. I'm not really trying to prove anything I just don't really feel it. I kinda just don't even care any more. It could be because it is getting to be fall and that is when my depression sets in. Maybe I should just stick it out. Who cares if you get cheated on I guess I men if I find out...what am I saying I don't even know what I'm saying. Maybe I'll just wait in my bed until someone comes to find me. I do that every winter and fall. I hope someone comes to find me this time. Winters always hurt the most. I wish everything could be better again. I don't like the cold.

Everything is so confusing now. I don't know what to do about anything. I'm so hopelessly devoted to her and it shouldn't be so confusing I know. She has hidden things from me and hurt me so many times before. I try to trust but it just gets to be really hard and though I know sometimes I don't want to be with her and I want something else or whatever but I just don't know any more and I know that I'm devoted and totally all about her. I need help or to talk or something. I guess I'll go call her or something.

I'm just so confused I don't know what to do about anything any more. I just need Emily to hold me and to talk to her. I hope she calls me soon.

Dear diary...haha I just always wanted to say that

I don't know what to think I keep dreaming about this girl and her horse and it is always the same girl in all my dreams and I think it might be Johnna but she is deffinatly twice as hott as Johnna. What does it mean? I feel so uncomfortable when I think about being with Emily. I wish I could be with that girl in my dreams. She enters this contest with her horse and I watch but she doesn't know I am watching and then she sends me this cd or something by way of someone bringing it up to me and being like oh it's from that girl over there and when I go up to her she is like I've liked you for some time now and I want to make ou happy and be everyhting you always wanted. it makes me smile and it makes me happy and we ride her horse and hang at the stables and it is just so good. My perfect girl is about 5'6 with slightly wavy hair but not too much and it's brown hair that is kind of highlighted and she has a geat horse and lives in the country and thinks uniquely. Johnna used to say that hostess cup cakes were a balanced meal because they had wheat and flour and milk lol I kind of miss those times. I wish she hadn't been such a liar about everything. I think Emily was perfect in that she showed me how I should be treated and how I could be treated by a girl and she showed me that I could get a girl that lives near by if I just tried. She makes me feel attractive and I guess I've learned things to bring into my next relationship. I am so bad at letting people go and I don't want to let Emily go. I don't know what I want and I hope I figure it out soon. I feel like I am going to start having feelings for another girl and that I wil end up dumping Emily for that other girl. I just feel this way because right now I just don't feel the way I used to. She drags me into this group of people who are just lower then low and she doesn't want what I want in a relationship. I don't even know what I want right now. I kind of just want to go fishing and just relax. I got laid off from my job yesterday. Now I am jobless and I hardly consider where I live to be my home. I don't think she appreciates me. Resistance is futile. I don't want to hurt anyone I never wanted to hurt anyone. I guess I'll just do things as they feel right and if she decides to do other things then so be it. I don't need her any more and I know I can live without her. I'm supposed to see her today, some time soon. I don't know what to do anymore. It's only boring because we are so different that we clash and we simply are not compatible. She says so many stupid things and she believes them with all of her heart. I feel bad for her for being brought up in such a brain washing environment. She thinks that her mother punnishes her for more then kissing because her mother is doing her a favor and trying to help her. "help her grow as a christian" she says. What a total complete load of bullshit all religion has ever done was start wars and create hate. all this because people can't stand to think that there is no point to life and that when you are dead it is all over. I really just hate Emily almost all the time. There are some times when we are together and everything is just fine but then when we start talking about anything she just makes me so mad. I don't think we belong together I really don't. I'm just praying and trying to stick with it and hoping that things will change and I will be happy and content in everything that we have together. If I had to answer honestly I don't think this will last more then a couple more weeks but I know that my opion on things change every day. I just feel like I have had my fill and like I am done with all of this. The End

I just don't get Emily. I love her so much and she just doesn't get it. She has all these girls that she calls friends but the truth is they all talk shit behind her back and none of them want to be around her. They put me down to my face and behind my back and they put her down to me and behind her back. I tell her about it and they get mad at me for sticking up for her. She is my girlfriend...it's my job to stick up for her...I love her. I tell her about it all and try to help her and she still tries to go out and do things with them she talks to them ocasionally and what not.I just want her to just stop hurting herself the more she is with them the more she gets hurt. She is being so blind and stupid about all this and I just don't understand. and also I have one other problem. I HATE when she goes out without me and does things without me because I never want to do anything without her. I know it isn't her intent and that she should be able to do things without me. I just get so jelous I am such a jelous person. I asked her to ask if she could do something with me tonight and she called her friends to see if they could go out instead. I could be wrong but that is how I heard it. I want her to know that I love her and I know that I wouldn't be such a weirdo about things. She thinks I don't want people to know about her but I always always talk about her to everyone. I am so happy to be with her. I do try to be understanding. She flirts with guys when I am not arround and I hate it. I just want to know that everything will always be ok. I love her I just am a jelous freak. urg alright I guess I'm done.

I don't know I am trying to make Emily like me and be interested and stuff but I really don't know what to say or do any more. She says she flirts with guys and shit and that is so bullshit because I don't do that so why should she. I don't understand any of it at all. I guess that's all I really feel like writing.

Do you believe in karma? In my experiance if you do good things then good things will happen to you and if you cheat on your girlfriend for example then she will cheat on you. I strongly believe in treating people the way I would want to be treated because what goes around does come around. I would never hide something from my girlfriend or whatever because I am too scared of her hiding things from me. unfortunately she does hide some things from me and maybe that should give me the right to hide things from her? I don't want to but I have tried so many other ways to get her to break those bad habbits. I'm single right now but I am not going to act like I am single because I hope that Emily won't act single either. I could never see her with another guy and yeah I just don't know what to say any more. Oh well the world keeps spinning and I'm getting dizzy. I'll talk to her later.

Today has just been a total day from hell. It started out like heaven. I woke up this morning naked in bed next to my naked Emily. I hugged her and held her and then we woke up and had sex and took a shower and had sex and then we got dressed and took a nap together because we were up late the night before. Then we went down stairs and got breakfast and watched part of a movie then I could tell she wasn't happy so I brought her up stairs and we laid in her bed and held eachother and I tried to get her to tell me what was wrong. Then I asked if she wanted to break up and she didnt answer so I knew she did. She started crying and I held her and calmed her down and then I started crying and when I asked her if this meant we were over she said yes. I cried for hours and she scratched my back and tried to comfort me. She said that we just weren't meant for eachother and that she was bored and felt trapped and wanted to mess around with other guys. I went home around 3 because I thought her parents would be home soon but then we talked on the phone for like 4 hours and her parents still aren't home so that made me mad that I left so much earlier then I had to. I look at pictures of us and it makes things so much worse I have just been crying all day and night. We were talking on the phone and it just got more confusing because then she started telling me that she missed me and she wanted to be with me but she was also saying that she wasn't making a mistake and it was better if we were apart. Then I found out that she had been flirting with other guys and she made a different email address just so I wouldn't see the emails she was sending and recieving. We talked for 3 and a half hours and then I had to go for 10 minutes and when I called her back she said she missed me and she smiled when I called and she asked me out. I told her she had to write a diary tonight and tomorrow and told her I would call her some time tomorrow. I don't know if I can take her back because things are just so confusing and complicated now. My body is starting to push her away and I just don't know what to do or how things could be the same I mean I gave er our last kiss and it is just so...I don't know I don't even know if I totally want the relationship back. I'm just so confused. I hope everything works out and I pray that God show me the way through the darkness. I guess that's all I need to say right now.

I keep calling Emily but I keep getting busy signals. I feel so low like something is missing. She is the only one I can think to call I deffinately miss her. I need to hug her and hold her. I feel like she doesn't want to be with me I feel like she really is feeling like she doesn't want to be with me. It makes me so scared because she makes me so happy and I don't know what I would do if I got tossed out on my ass. I just want everything to be alright again. I feel so awesome in this relationship and I feel so much like she isn't happy or like I just am not good enough. I feel like she needs or wants something more. Urg I can't even talk i just want to see her right now. I can;t stand not seeing her for even a day. I knew I wouldn't see her today but with the stress of the people I live with I just need my happy place. I need you in my life Emily and it has nothing to do with anything we have done together. It is just all about everything that I feel with you and everything that you are to me. It's been 4 and a half months and I want many many more. May God help us to have a strong happy healthy long relationship. I keep feeling liek she would rather talk to other people then me and I feel like I am fighting this down I feel like I am fighting as hard as I can to hold on to this relationship and it is slipping slowly. I feel like all my fighting is only slowing it down. I hate feeling like I am not in control. I know I would break down and cry if I ever saw her with another guy and I know a part of me would die.

OMG I am in the airport and we were sposta leave at 1 but now we missed our flight so we can't leave till 11:30 and then get home around 9 am and I wanna go home and see Emily I miss her soooo much

I'm just chillin trying to relax and let my mind flutter or something. I miss Emily and I bet everything will be awesome when I come home. It's all going to be ok. I love you Emily

I just don't know what is going on. I keep looking at other girls and being like oh I wish Emily looked like that or whatever. My mind has been wandering a lot but I don't know what it means. My main complaint is I wish her boobs were bigger. I think it would make her a lot more attractive. She is still atractive to me but I don't know I just wish she had them I think it would make things better. Part of me feels like I am ready to move on from the relationship but part of me is scared to leave her and most of me doesn't want to. She has been the first like real girlfriend I've ever had and I don't want to lose it I just feel so attached to her. I do love her with all my heart and I know even when we break up we will still be close friends. I hate when she takes about how ugly she is and how much she hates herself because it is absolute bullshit. She is not ugly. I keep seeing these wicked sexy blode girls and they remind me of Alli. I wish that that was a real relationship because I loved her so much and she was so hott. Alli had wicked small boobs too but again it didn't matter. I really don't want Emily to know my mind has been wandering so much because then she will get paranoid and think that we are breaking up or something. I don't think we will be breaking up any time soon. I do love her so much. I feel like our compatibility is lessening as the days go by. She says she hates that I don't do everything people tell me to do and that I don't think the Bible is 100% true. It pisses me off that she would think otherwise. She is a follower and I am a leader and honestly she can be very stupid and niave at times especially in issues concearning religion. She can have her stupid beliefs but I know the truth. I don't think we will work out but I'm going to ride it out. I'm scared of it being over...I guess I don't want to be alone or something. Oh well maybe some day praying will actually do something and everything will work out. I don't know why I bother. I'm sure I will feel at least a little bit different about her when I come home from my trip. It is my experience that when distance starts to tear you apart that maybe your heart isn't totally in it. I don't know what I am going to do but for now I'll just stick with it and try to ride it out. I love how she makes me feel. Honestly i feel like there are things I can't bring myself to say just because I know Emily reads this. I'll say just that if there is anything to worry about I will let her know as I would want her to do the same for me. it's 1 am now and I am exhausted and though I have much much more to say I will leave it at this. I don't know what is going on in my heart right now but I am feeling pretty bored in the current relationship. It is anything but exciting and nothing but predictable. We have a few things comming up that might bake a little more spark in things but as it stands I can't even keep an erection when I am trying to have sex with her. There is no problem with my penis, but I think there may be an issue with the matters of my heart. We gave eachother our virginity and that only makes it so much harder to leave if I wanted to. I am so attached to her right now I don't understand how i can feel like this. I don't understand how I could be so attached and yet still want something else. I am loyal to my girlfriend till the day I die and I know that she will never have to worry about cheating or anything else. I don't flirt and I don't cheat and I am always 100% loyal in my actions. I keep praying for God to make Emily back into everything I always dreamed of, but I guess some things are just left up to fate.