I just don't get Emily. I love her so much and she just doesn't get it. She has all these girls that she calls friends but the truth is they all talk shit behind her back and none of them want to be around her. They put me down to my face and behind my back and they put her down to me and behind her back. I tell her about it and they get mad at me for sticking up for her. She is my girlfriend...i
I don't know I am trying to make Emily like me and be interested and stuff but I really don't know what to say or do any more. She says she flirts with guys and shit and that is so bullshit because I don't do that so why should she. I don't understand any of it at all. I guess that's all I really feel like writing.
Do you believe in karma? In my experiance if you do good things then good things will happen to you and if you cheat on your girlfriend for example then she will cheat on you. I strongly believe in treating people the way I would want to be treated because what goes around does come around. I would never hide something from my girlfriend or whatever because I am too scared of her hiding things from me. unfortunately she does hide some things from me and maybe that should give me the right to hide things from her? I don't want to but I have tried so many other ways to get her to break those bad habbits. I'm single right now but I am not going to act like I am single because I hope that Emily won't act single either. I could never see her with another guy and yeah I just don't know what to say any more. Oh well the world keeps spinning and I'm getting dizzy. I'll talk to her later.
Today has just been a total day from hell. It started out like heaven. I woke up this morning naked in bed next to my naked Emily. I hugged her and held her and then we woke up and had sex and took a shower and had sex and then we got dressed and took a nap together because we were up late the night before. Then we went down stairs and got breakfast and watched part of a movie then I could tell she wasn't happy so I brought her up stairs and we laid in her bed and held eachother and I tried to get her to tell me what was wrong. Then I asked if she wanted to break up and she didnt answer so I knew she did. She started crying and I held her and calmed her down and then I started crying and when I asked her if this meant we were over she said yes. I cried for hours and she scratched my back and tried to comfort me. She said that we just weren't meant for eachother and that she was bored and felt trapped and wanted to mess around with other guys. I went home around 3 because I thought her parents would be home soon but then we talked on the phone for like 4 hours and her parents still aren't home so that made me mad that I left so much earlier then I had to. I look at pictures of us and it makes things so much worse I have just been crying all day and night. We were talking on the phone and it just got more confusing because then she started telling me that she missed me and she wanted to be with me but she was also saying that she wasn't making a mistake and it was better if we were apart. Then I found out that she had been flirting with other guys and she made a different email address just so I wouldn't see the emails she was sending and recieving. We talked for 3 and a half hours and then I had to go for 10 minutes and when I called her back she said she missed me and she smiled when I called and she asked me out. I told her she had to write a diary tonight and tomorrow and told her I would call her some time tomorrow. I don't know if I can take her back because things are just so confusing and complicated now. My body is starting to push her away and I just don't know what to do or how things could be the same I mean I gave er our last kiss and it is just so...I don't know I don't even know if I totally want the relationship back. I'm just so confused. I hope everything works out and I pray that God show me the way through the darkness. I guess that's all I need to say right now.
I keep calling Emily but I keep getting busy signals. I feel so low like something is missing. She is the only one I can think to call I deffinately miss her. I need to hug her and hold her. I feel like she doesn't want to be with me I feel like she really is feeling like she doesn't want to be with me. It makes me so scared because she makes me so happy and I don't know what I would do if I got tossed out on my ass. I just want everything to be alright again. I feel so awesome in this relationship and I feel so much like she isn't happy or like I just am not good enough. I feel like she needs or wants something more. Urg I can't even talk i just want to see her right now. I can;t stand not seeing her for even a day. I knew I wouldn't see her today but with the stress of the people I live with I just need my happy place. I need you in my life Emily and it has nothing to do with anything we have done together. It is just all about everything that I feel with you and everything that you are to me. It's been 4 and a half months and I want many many more. May God help us to have a strong happy healthy long relationship. I keep feeling liek she would rather talk to other people then me and I feel like I am fighting this down I feel like I am fighting as hard as I can to hold on to this relationship and it is slipping slowly. I feel like all my fighting is only slowing it down. I hate feeling like I am not in control. I know I would break down and cry if I ever saw her with another guy and I know a part of me would die.
OMG I am in the airport and we were sposta leave at 1 but now we missed our flight so we can't leave till 11:30 and then get home around 9 am and I wanna go home and see Emily I miss her soooo much
I'm just chillin trying to relax and let my mind flutter or something. I miss Emily and I bet everything will be awesome when I come home. It's all going to be ok. I love you Emily
I just don't know what is going on. I keep looking at other girls and being like oh I wish Emily looked like that or whatever. My mind has been wandering a lot but I don't know what it means. My main complaint is I wish her boobs were bigger. I think it would make her a lot more attractive. She is still atractive to me but I don't know I just wish she had them I think it would make things better. Part of me feels like I am ready to move on from the relationship but part of me is scared to leave her and most of me doesn't want to. She has been the first like real girlfriend I've ever had and I don't want to lose it I just feel so attached to her. I do love her with all my heart and I know even when we break up we will still be close friends. I hate when she takes about how ugly she is and how much she hates herself because it is absolute bullshit. She is not ugly. I keep seeing these wicked sexy blode girls and they remind me of Alli. I wish that that was a real relationship because I loved her so much and she was so hott. Alli had wicked small boobs too but again it didn't matter. I really don't want Emily to know my mind has been wandering so much because then she will get paranoid and think that we are breaking up or something. I don't think we will be breaking up any time soon. I do love her so much. I feel like our compatibility is lessening as the days go by. She says she hates that I don't do everything people tell me to do and that I don't think the Bible is 100% true. It pisses me off that she would think otherwise. She is a follower and I am a leader and honestly she can be very stupid and niave at times especially in issues concearning religion. She can have her stupid beliefs but I know the truth. I don't think we will work out but I'm going to ride it out. I'm scared of it being over...I guess I don't want to be alone or something. Oh well maybe some day praying will actually do something and everything will work out. I don't know why I bother. I'm sure I will feel at least a little bit different about her when I come home from my trip. It is my experience that when distance starts to tear you apart that maybe your heart isn't totally in it. I don't know what I am going to do but for now I'll just stick with it and try to ride it out. I love how she makes me feel. Honestly i feel like there are things I can't bring myself to say just because I know Emily reads this. I'll say just that if there is anything to worry about I will let her know as I would want her to do the same for me. it's 1 am now and I am exhausted and though I have much much more to say I will leave it at this. I don't know what is going on in my heart right now but I am feeling pretty bored in the current relationship. It is anything but exciting and nothing but predictable. We have a few things comming up that might bake a little more spark in things but as it stands I can't even keep an erection when I am trying to have sex with her. There is no problem with my penis, but I think there may be an issue with the matters of my heart. We gave eachother our virginity and that only makes it so much harder to leave if I wanted to. I am so attached to her right now I don't understand how i can feel like this. I don't understand how I could be so attached and yet still want something else. I am loyal to my girlfriend till the day I die and I know that she will never have to worry about cheating or anything else. I don't flirt and I don't cheat and I am always 100% loyal in my actions. I keep praying for God to make Emily back into everything I always dreamed of, but I guess some things are just left up to fate.
We have been planning on going out tonight all day and now I am being told I can't have a ride because it is too late...IT'S 6:30!!! I didn't even get to say goodbye to Emily and now I am not going to see her for 10 days and it is all my fucking grandmother's fault because she won't fucking take me to see a movie because she says since I am going away that I should stay home and twiddle my thumbs. I've always hated my grandmother she is such a stupid bitch. I just want to say goodbye to my girlfriend. I love you Emily.
I miss her so much. I've been watching movies all day and just wishing she was here. I guess love is just the center of everything. I don't want it to be about sex and I don't care if we never do. It just always happenes because that is what we do. We never mix it up at all it is always the same thing every time we see eachother. We go out in the morning and say we are going running and then we just go hide and fool around. I want things to be different but with her mom they just can't be right now. I watch movies and wish that I had what those people have but then I realise that I do have an awesome girlfriend. I trust her and I am going out of my way to trust her. I love her with every bit of my being and she really is my everything. I wish she would tell me that I was her world or I was her everything. She tells me how great I am but she never says she doesn't want to be without me or whatever. I really can't complain because she is just so awesome. I can't wait until she comes home and I am just trying to sleep the days away until she does. She comes home tomorrow but I don't know if I will see her. I don't want to plan on sex any more I just want it to happen and I want it to always be special. I'm tempted to stay home and not go to California. I'm going to miss my Emily so much. I know I would die to make her happy. I love you Emily. I hope you never leave me.
I don't think I am going to be able to talk to Emily until Wednesday. I miss her so much already. I feel like I see her ghost everywhere she has been. I look at the couch and it is like a part of her is still here with me. With Emily sex is beautiful. I think about it now and I just realise how happy it makes me feel and how much I just want to hold her afterwards. I hope she feels the same way. I hardly ever write in here any more, mostly because I have been too lazy. No one thought we would make it through everything and I honestly think it is just about all behind us. I love my Emily with all my heart. I know it probably isn't likely but it is just the thought of never being with anyone else that scares me a little bit. Don't take me as niave because I know it most likely won't happen but I feel like some day we may get married. We have everything going for us and we truely do love eachother. She is upset now because the people she thought wer her friends have all turned on her. No one in that group is really friends. They all hate eachother and talk about eachother behind their backs. It is so hard to listen to EMily cry over them but I know it is what she needs to do and I can only listen and try to comfort her. I know what it is like to be abandoned. It has happened to me all too many times before. If I am not in Emily's lunch this year then I will change classes so that I can be. I'll do this because I want to see her and because she doesn't deserve to sit alone. I'll always be here for her and even when we break up we will still be the best of friends. If we ever do break up I have a feeling it will be mutual and clean. I never want it to happen. On Tuesday we will have been together for 4 months and after our sleep over I don't ever want us to plan sex again. I just want it to happen in the moment. We haven't fought in a while. No bad fights anyway. 8 days ago was our last fight and we delt with it well. There will be no more angry break ups and rash decisions for us. We are both learning and Emily has grown up a lot since I've met her. I am very proud of her and how far she has come. She is turning into a very good person and she is learning a lot. She is growing up faster then her old friends now and is definitely much more mature. They are a bunch of immature, two-faced, back-stabbing, bitches. Emily needs real friends and not people who will exclude her, talk about her behind her back, and treat her like shit. I vow to be everything I can be for her and to do everything in my power to give her the best life she can get. I love you Emily, I really do.
Emily is driving me nutts. She refuses to do anything with me ever. She is like oh I should respect my parents and do everything they say all the time. It's like I'm sorry but if someone doesn't deserve respect then you shouldn't give it to them and if someone tells you to do something that is stupid then you should tell them to go fuck themselves. Every time we do more then kiss and talk on the phone and everything we are sneaking around but she is like oh we can't sneak around we can't do things where there is absolutely no chance of us getting caught. My god I just want to fucking smack her some times but I never would because I don't hit girls. So many times go by that I just can't stand her at all and I just want to dump her and be done with it. I've dumped her enough times before and it never lasts more then 24 hours because I do love her deep down inside even though right now I hate her. I think Leah acts more like a girlfriend to me then Emily does. Sometimes I wish she was my girlfriend. I don't know. She tries to tell me she doesn't like me because she doesn't want to interfere with my relationship but she admits she is like in love with me. I want to be with Emily and I love her so much but she needs to get a mind of her own and to grow a set. This pisses me off so much and it always does. I don't know what to do I just want her to be able to be normal instead of being like this. Leah makes me feel like the most import person in the world and Emily makes me feel like a piece of shit most of the time. I really don't think Emily has ever made me feel special or important. Actually I'm pretty sure she hasn't. I don't remember a time when she has. I swear to god she'll let me fuck her in the ass but she won't hang out with me if her mother doesn't say it is ok. Right now I just want to dump her and tell her to get lost. She is just...she tries so hard to be difficult and uncooperative with EVERYTHING she does and that I ask of her. If she would just be more cooperative and open to new things then she would be perfect. She needs to stop being such a little pussy about everything. I just hate that about her. I guess I'll just go call someone who cares because it certainly isn't Emily.
I'm at the beach for a week and I miss Emily sooo much. We keep getting in little fights because of meaningless things and I think we r both just really stressed because of being apart. Her mom is comming home saturday and that I believe is a fare worse then death. All good things must come to an end I suppose. I wish Emily's mom was good cuz them maybe she could come to her end. It's rly hot here and the water is cold and all the attractive girls in bikini's don't speak english...yeah anyways. I miss Emily and I love her more then anything in the world because she is my world. She is my one and only Emmy. I wish she was here so we could hang out on the beach and we could sleep in the same room even if we weren't in the same bed. I was looking at the other bed in my room last night and I was immagining emily laying in it and we would stay up at night talking. It could be like camp or something. There are so many fun things that we can't do together because of her fucked up mother. I can't even talk to Emily until 9 any more because my cell is like out of minutes so i end up standing at a pay phone for a half hour at a time. It doesn't bother me because i miss Emily so much. It reminds me of all those times I used to talk to Sarah from pay phones when i would go away. I might be seeing her this month if she actually comes to visit me when I am in Los Angeles this time. Liz is in Spain for nother two weeks. I miss Emily. I feel like I am not good enough for her and like she is going to want to cheat on me again or like she will dump me as soon as she finds someone better or like she is just keeping me around so that I will be there and she can have someone. i love her so much though and I want her to have my virginity. I hope she doesn't hurt me or leave me once I give ti to her that would make me like kill myself. I just hope she never does anything wrong againa nd that we can be together forever. I love you Emily. I guess I should go now cuz I keep getting sidetracked and I would rather talk to Emily. Bye.
I'm at the beach for a week and I miss Emily sooo much. We keep getting in little fights because of meaningless things and I think we r both just really stressed because of being apart. Her mom is comming home saturday and that I believe is a fare worse then death. All good things must come to an end I suppose. I wish Emily's mom was good cuz them maybe she could come to her end. It's rly hot here and the water is cold and all the attractive girls in bikini's don't speak english...yeah anyways. I miss Emily and I love her more then anything in the world because she is my world. She is my one and only Emmy. I wish she was here so we could hang out on the beach and we could sleep in the same room even if we weren't in the same bed. I was looking at the other bed in my room last night and I was immagining emily laying in it and we would stay up at night talking. It could be like camp or something. There are so many fun things that we can't do together because of her fucked up mother. I can't even talk to Emily until 9 any more because my cell is like out of minutes so i end up standing at a pay phone for a half hour at a time. It doesn't bother me because i miss Emily so much. It reminds me of all those times I used to talk to Sarah from pay phones when i would go away. I might be seeing her this month if she actually comes to visit me when I am in Los Angeles this time. Liz is in Spain for nother two weeks. I miss Emily. Well i keep getting sidetracked so I guess that is the end.
I don't want to be away from Emily. I hate the thought of her with another guy or me with another girl. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Why can't it just work out why can't she be my girlfriend again why why why. I just want her back and I would do anything to get her back.
I think I understand a little better now. Me and Emily can't be together for as long as I don't trust her and a friendship is a good way to build trust. I know we shouldn't see other people so we are deciding not to. I don't want anyone else anyway. I don't want to think of her with other guys and being appart only makes things more difficult. I guess we will just keep going and see where it gets us. I love you Emily. I'll miss you every second you are gone. I guess that is most of the important stuff I would rather talk to Emily now.
I'm in a bad mood I dunno what to say I just really love Emily more then anything and I am so confused because...I'm having a meltdown
I'm in a bad mood I dunno what to say I just really love Emily more then anything and I am so confused because...I'm having a meltdown
We'll lett's see...I spent the day with Emily at her friend Natalie's house in New Hampshire and on the way home I told her mom how to get home because I always drive that way and I knew exactly where I was. I think I may have impressed her mother a little with the fact that I had so much highway experiance. Emily's mom refered to me as Emily's boyfriend so I guess things are clearing up with that and everything is fine and dandy. The End.
So me and Katie are no longer friends because her new boyfriend turned her into a total bitch. That's a good 3 years or so down the drain. Oh well friends come and go. I was gonna have Emily over today cuz I was supposed to be home alone but now my mom called me and told me people would be in my house all day and Emily was supposed to call me an hour and a half ago so I don't know what is going on. I wanna go out to Texas to chill with Leah next summer as a graduation trip. She says she can get me free airplane tickets so woot woot I might just have to take her up on that. I want to go to Maine soo bad I am so excited I always meet so many cool people. Maine is my favorite vacation and I look forward to it all year. I love the beach and I get to spend 7 days there. I'm leaving on the 23 of July. I'll miss Emily but I think it will be alright. This relationship is just getting rediculous with all the planning and sneaking and lying. I've jumped through more hoops in the past months I swear to god. Part of me just wants to say you know what it's dead just let it rest in peace. I don't think I am going to end up having sex with Emily. I just don't feel it any more. I think the relationship is causing me more stress then anything. Maybe I should just get out of it so I can breathe again. I don't have the balls to end it because it isn't over compleatly. Maybe it would be a mercy killing. I love her when I'm with her and then the longer I am away the weaker my grasp on her gets. I kind of just want it to be over I am so ready to move on and find someone else. My heart has been breaking up with her since everything happened. I'll never find someone like her again but maybe I need some time away to realise that. I don't know maybe I just need to think some more about it all.
So me and Katie are no longer friends because her new boyfriend turned her into a total bitch. That's a good 3 years or so down the drain. Oh well friends come and go. I was gonna have Emily over today cuz I was supposed to be home alone but now my mom called me and told me people would be in my house all day and Emily was supposed to call me an hour and a half ago so I don't know what is going on. I wanna go out to Texas to chill with Leah next summer as a graduation trip. She says she can get me free airplane tickets so woot woot I might just have to take her up on that. I want to go to Maine soo bad I am so excited I always meet so many cool people. Maine is my favorite vacation and I look forward to it all year. I love the beach and I get to spend 7 days there. I'm leaving on the 23 of July. I'll miss Emily but I think it will be alright. This relationship is just getting rediculous with all the planning and sneaking and lying. I've jumped through more hoops in the past months I swear to god. Part of me just wants to say you know what it's dead just let it rest in peace. I don't think I am going to end up having sex with Emily. I just don't feel it any more. I think the relationship is causing me more stress then anything. Maybe I should just get out of it so I can breathe again. I don't have the balls to end it because it isn't over compleatly. Maybe it would be a mercy killing. I love her when I'm with her and then the longer I am away the weaker my grasp on her gets. I kind of just want it to be over I am so ready to move on and find someone else. My heart has been breaking up with her since everything happened. I'll never find someone like her again but maybe I need some time away to realise that. I don't know maybe I just need to think some more about it all.