I'm just chillin trying to relax and let my mind flutter or something. I miss Emily and I bet everything will be awesome when I come home. It's all going to be ok. I love you Emily

I just don't know what is going on. I keep looking at other girls and being like oh I wish Emily looked like that or whatever. My mind has been wandering a lot but I don't know what it means. My main complaint is I wish her boobs were bigger. I think it would make her a lot more attractive. She is still atractive to me but I don't know I just wish she had them I think it would make things better. Part of me feels like I am ready to move on from the relationship but part of me is scared to leave her and most of me doesn't want to. She has been the first like real girlfriend I've ever had and I don't want to lose it I just feel so attached to her. I do love her with all my heart and I know even when we break up we will still be close friends. I hate when she takes about how ugly she is and how much she hates herself because it is absolute bullshit. She is not ugly. I keep seeing these wicked sexy blode girls and they remind me of Alli. I wish that that was a real relationship because I loved her so much and she was so hott. Alli had wicked small boobs too but again it didn't matter. I really don't want Emily to know my mind has been wandering so much because then she will get paranoid and think that we are breaking up or something. I don't think we will be breaking up any time soon. I do love her so much. I feel like our compatibility is lessening as the days go by. She says she hates that I don't do everything people tell me to do and that I don't think the Bible is 100% true. It pisses me off that she would think otherwise. She is a follower and I am a leader and honestly she can be very stupid and niave at times especially in issues concearning religion. She can have her stupid beliefs but I know the truth. I don't think we will work out but I'm going to ride it out. I'm scared of it being over...I guess I don't want to be alone or something. Oh well maybe some day praying will actually do something and everything will work out. I don't know why I bother. I'm sure I will feel at least a little bit different about her when I come home from my trip. It is my experience that when distance starts to tear you apart that maybe your heart isn't totally in it. I don't know what I am going to do but for now I'll just stick with it and try to ride it out. I love how she makes me feel. Honestly i feel like there are things I can't bring myself to say just because I know Emily reads this. I'll say just that if there is anything to worry about I will let her know as I would want her to do the same for me. it's 1 am now and I am exhausted and though I have much much more to say I will leave it at this. I don't know what is going on in my heart right now but I am feeling pretty bored in the current relationship. It is anything but exciting and nothing but predictable. We have a few things comming up that might bake a little more spark in things but as it stands I can't even keep an erection when I am trying to have sex with her. There is no problem with my penis, but I think there may be an issue with the matters of my heart. We gave eachother our virginity and that only makes it so much harder to leave if I wanted to. I am so attached to her right now I don't understand how i can feel like this. I don't understand how I could be so attached and yet still want something else. I am loyal to my girlfriend till the day I die and I know that she will never have to worry about cheating or anything else. I don't flirt and I don't cheat and I am always 100% loyal in my actions. I keep praying for God to make Emily back into everything I always dreamed of, but I guess some things are just left up to fate.

We have been planning on going out tonight all day and now I am being told I can't have a ride because it is too late...IT'S 6:30!!! I didn't even get to say goodbye to Emily and now I am not going to see her for 10 days and it is all my fucking grandmother's fault because she won't fucking take me to see a movie because she says since I am going away that I should stay home and twiddle my thumbs. I've always hated my grandmother she is such a stupid bitch. I just want to say goodbye to my girlfriend. I love you Emily.

I miss her so much. I've been watching movies all day and just wishing she was here. I guess love is just the center of everything. I don't want it to be about sex and I don't care if we never do. It just always happenes because that is what we do. We never mix it up at all it is always the same thing every time we see eachother. We go out in the morning and say we are going running and then we just go hide and fool around. I want things to be different but with her mom they just can't be right now. I watch movies and wish that I had what those people have but then I realise that I do have an awesome girlfriend. I trust her and I am going out of my way to trust her. I love her with every bit of my being and she really is my everything. I wish she would tell me that I was her world or I was her everything. She tells me how great I am but she never says she doesn't want to be without me or whatever. I really can't complain because she is just so awesome. I can't wait until she comes home and I am just trying to sleep the days away until she does. She comes home tomorrow but I don't know if I will see her. I don't want to plan on sex any more I just want it to happen and I want it to always be special. I'm tempted to stay home and not go to California. I'm going to miss my Emily so much. I know I would die to make her happy. I love you Emily. I hope you never leave me.

I don't think I am going to be able to talk to Emily until Wednesday. I miss her so much already. I feel like I see her ghost everywhere she has been. I look at the couch and it is like a part of her is still here with me. With Emily sex is beautiful. I think about it now and I just realise how happy it makes me feel and how much I just want to hold her afterwards. I hope she feels the same way. I hardly ever write in here any more, mostly because I have been too lazy. No one thought we would make it through everything and I honestly think it is just about all behind us. I love my Emily with all my heart. I know it probably isn't likely but it is just the thought of never being with anyone else that scares me a little bit. Don't take me as niave because I know it most likely won't happen but I feel like some day we may get married. We have everything going for us and we truely do love eachother. She is upset now because the people she thought wer her friends have all turned on her. No one in that group is really friends. They all hate eachother and talk about eachother behind their backs. It is so hard to listen to EMily cry over them but I know it is what she needs to do and I can only listen and try to comfort her. I know what it is like to be abandoned. It has happened to me all too many times before. If I am not in Emily's lunch this year then I will change classes so that I can be. I'll do this because I want to see her and because she doesn't deserve to sit alone. I'll always be here for her and even when we break up we will still be the best of friends. If we ever do break up I have a feeling it will be mutual and clean. I never want it to happen. On Tuesday we will have been together for 4 months and after our sleep over I don't ever want us to plan sex again. I just want it to happen in the moment. We haven't fought in a while. No bad fights anyway. 8 days ago was our last fight and we delt with it well. There will be no more angry break ups and rash decisions for us. We are both learning and Emily has grown up a lot since I've met her. I am very proud of her and how far she has come. She is turning into a very good person and she is learning a lot. She is growing up faster then her old friends now and is definitely much more mature. They are a bunch of immature, two-faced, back-stabbing, bitches. Emily needs real friends and not people who will exclude her, talk about her behind her back, and treat her like shit. I vow to be everything I can be for her and to do everything in my power to give her the best life she can get. I love you Emily, I really do.

Emily is driving me nutts. She refuses to do anything with me ever. She is like oh I should respect my parents and do everything they say all the time. It's like I'm sorry but if someone doesn't deserve respect then you shouldn't give it to them and if someone tells you to do something that is stupid then you should tell them to go fuck themselves. Every time we do more then kiss and talk on the phone and everything we are sneaking around but she is like oh we can't sneak around we can't do things where there is absolutely no chance of us getting caught. My god I just want to fucking smack her some times but I never would because I don't hit girls. So many times go by that I just can't stand her at all and I just want to dump her and be done with it. I've dumped her enough times before and it never lasts more then 24 hours because I do love her deep down inside even though right now I hate her. I think Leah acts more like a girlfriend to me then Emily does. Sometimes I wish she was my girlfriend. I don't know. She tries to tell me she doesn't like me because she doesn't want to interfere with my relationship but she admits she is like in love with me. I want to be with Emily and I love her so much but she needs to get a mind of her own and to grow a set. This pisses me off so much and it always does. I don't know what to do I just want her to be able to be normal instead of being like this. Leah makes me feel like the most import person in the world and Emily makes me feel like a piece of shit most of the time. I really don't think Emily has ever made me feel special or important. Actually I'm pretty sure she hasn't. I don't remember a time when she has. I swear to god she'll let me fuck her in the ass but she won't hang out with me if her mother doesn't say it is ok. Right now I just want to dump her and tell her to get lost. She is just...she tries so hard to be difficult and uncooperative with EVERYTHING she does and that I ask of her. If she would just be more cooperative and open to new things then she would be perfect. She needs to stop being such a little pussy about everything. I just hate that about her. I guess I'll just go call someone who cares because it certainly isn't Emily.

I'm at the beach for a week and I miss Emily sooo much. We keep getting in little fights because of meaningless things and I think we r both just really stressed because of being apart. Her mom is comming home saturday and that I believe is a fare worse then death. All good things must come to an end I suppose. I wish Emily's mom was good cuz them maybe she could come to her end. It's rly hot here and the water is cold and all the attractive girls in bikini's don't speak english...yeah anyways. I miss Emily and I love her more then anything in the world because she is my world. She is my one and only Emmy. I wish she was here so we could hang out on the beach and we could sleep in the same room even if we weren't in the same bed. I was looking at the other bed in my room last night and I was immagining emily laying in it and we would stay up at night talking. It could be like camp or something. There are so many fun things that we can't do together because of her fucked up mother. I can't even talk to Emily until 9 any more because my cell is like out of minutes so i end up standing at a pay phone for a half hour at a time. It doesn't bother me because i miss Emily so much. It reminds me of all those times I used to talk to Sarah from pay phones when i would go away. I might be seeing her this month if she actually comes to visit me when I am in Los Angeles this time. Liz is in Spain for nother two weeks. I miss Emily. I feel like I am not good enough for her and like she is going to want to cheat on me again or like she will dump me as soon as she finds someone better or like she is just keeping me around so that I will be there and she can have someone. i love her so much though and I want her to have my virginity. I hope she doesn't hurt me or leave me once I give ti to her that would make me like kill myself. I just hope she never does anything wrong againa nd that we can be together forever. I love you Emily. I guess I should go now cuz I keep getting sidetracked and I would rather talk to Emily. Bye.

I'm at the beach for a week and I miss Emily sooo much. We keep getting in little fights because of meaningless things and I think we r both just really stressed because of being apart. Her mom is comming home saturday and that I believe is a fare worse then death. All good things must come to an end I suppose. I wish Emily's mom was good cuz them maybe she could come to her end. It's rly hot here and the water is cold and all the attractive girls in bikini's don't speak english...yeah anyways. I miss Emily and I love her more then anything in the world because she is my world. She is my one and only Emmy. I wish she was here so we could hang out on the beach and we could sleep in the same room even if we weren't in the same bed. I was looking at the other bed in my room last night and I was immagining emily laying in it and we would stay up at night talking. It could be like camp or something. There are so many fun things that we can't do together because of her fucked up mother. I can't even talk to Emily until 9 any more because my cell is like out of minutes so i end up standing at a pay phone for a half hour at a time. It doesn't bother me because i miss Emily so much. It reminds me of all those times I used to talk to Sarah from pay phones when i would go away. I might be seeing her this month if she actually comes to visit me when I am in Los Angeles this time. Liz is in Spain for nother two weeks. I miss Emily. Well i keep getting sidetracked so I guess that is the end.

I don't want to be away from Emily. I hate the thought of her with another guy or me with another girl. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Why can't it just work out why can't she be my girlfriend again why why why. I just want her back and I would do anything to get her back.

I think I understand a little better now. Me and Emily can't be together for as long as I don't trust her and a friendship is a good way to build trust. I know we shouldn't see other people so we are deciding not to. I don't want anyone else anyway. I don't want to think of her with other guys and being appart only makes things more difficult. I guess we will just keep going and see where it gets us. I love you Emily. I'll miss you every second you are gone. I guess that is most of the important stuff I would rather talk to Emily now.

I'm in a bad mood I dunno what to say I just really love Emily more then anything and I am so confused because...I'm having a meltdown

I'm in a bad mood I dunno what to say I just really love Emily more then anything and I am so confused because...I'm having a meltdown

We'll lett's see...I spent the day with Emily at her friend Natalie's house in New Hampshire and on the way home I told her mom how to get home because I always drive that way and I knew exactly where I was. I think I may have impressed her mother a little with the fact that I had so much highway experiance. Emily's mom refered to me as Emily's boyfriend so I guess things are clearing up with that and everything is fine and dandy. The End.

So me and Katie are no longer friends because her new boyfriend turned her into a total bitch. That's a good 3 years or so down the drain. Oh well friends come and go. I was gonna have Emily over today cuz I was supposed to be home alone but now my mom called me and told me people would be in my house all day and Emily was supposed to call me an hour and a half ago so I don't know what is going on. I wanna go out to Texas to chill with Leah next summer as a graduation trip. She says she can get me free airplane tickets so woot woot I might just have to take her up on that. I want to go to Maine soo bad I am so excited I always meet so many cool people. Maine is my favorite vacation and I look forward to it all year. I love the beach and I get to spend 7 days there. I'm leaving on the 23 of July. I'll miss Emily but I think it will be alright. This relationship is just getting rediculous with all the planning and sneaking and lying. I've jumped through more hoops in the past months I swear to god. Part of me just wants to say you know what it's dead just let it rest in peace. I don't think I am going to end up having sex with Emily. I just don't feel it any more. I think the relationship is causing me more stress then anything. Maybe I should just get out of it so I can breathe again. I don't have the balls to end it because it isn't over compleatly. Maybe it would be a mercy killing. I love her when I'm with her and then the longer I am away the weaker my grasp on her gets. I kind of just want it to be over I am so ready to move on and find someone else. My heart has been breaking up with her since everything happened. I'll never find someone like her again but maybe I need some time away to realise that. I don't know maybe I just need to think some more about it all.

So me and Katie are no longer friends because her new boyfriend turned her into a total bitch. That's a good 3 years or so down the drain. Oh well friends come and go. I was gonna have Emily over today cuz I was supposed to be home alone but now my mom called me and told me people would be in my house all day and Emily was supposed to call me an hour and a half ago so I don't know what is going on. I wanna go out to Texas to chill with Leah next summer as a graduation trip. She says she can get me free airplane tickets so woot woot I might just have to take her up on that. I want to go to Maine soo bad I am so excited I always meet so many cool people. Maine is my favorite vacation and I look forward to it all year. I love the beach and I get to spend 7 days there. I'm leaving on the 23 of July. I'll miss Emily but I think it will be alright. This relationship is just getting rediculous with all the planning and sneaking and lying. I've jumped through more hoops in the past months I swear to god. Part of me just wants to say you know what it's dead just let it rest in peace. I don't think I am going to end up having sex with Emily. I just don't feel it any more. I think the relationship is causing me more stress then anything. Maybe I should just get out of it so I can breathe again. I don't have the balls to end it because it isn't over compleatly. Maybe it would be a mercy killing. I love her when I'm with her and then the longer I am away the weaker my grasp on her gets. I kind of just want it to be over I am so ready to move on and find someone else. My heart has been breaking up with her since everything happened. I'll never find someone like her again but maybe I need some time away to realise that. I don't know maybe I just need to think some more about it all.

I wrote another letter to Emily's mom last night. I hope it works out the way I want it to. Just for shit's I was playing this John Deere American Farmer computer game and it turned out it was actually a pretty fun game. It's too bad my free hour of the trial period expired. I can't wait to go home and play farmer lol. Today is my cousin Michelle's birthday party and it is at my grandparents house. My aunt and uncle come here and have us give them food and make them food and they just come and leave when they want to and totally use us. I hate those low life. I hope Emily gives her mom the letter and I hope everything works out like I pray that it does. Well they are going to make me cook so I guess I will go now.

I was at Emily's house today and Her mother deffinately hates me. She thinks I did all this to ruin her daughter but the truth is I wasn't the first at all and it wasn't really my idea entirely. I just wish the record could be set straight without making things worse. I just wish they wouldn't hate me I did nothing wrong. I took responcibility for everything and it takes the heat off Emily but I just don't want them to hate me. They think I gave her her first kiss. They think I ruined her. I don't want them to hate me. I don't want to get her in more trouble and I am hoping everything just goes away. I don't know what to do. I just want everything to be ok. I almost fell asleep in her arms today. She makes me feel so safe and comfortable and warm. I love when I can smell her perfume on my clothes. I miss her so much all the time. I wish she would tell her mother the truth and that her mother wouldn't hate me any more. I hope she keeps earning my trust back because I never want to lose her. I would never cheat on her. It's getting hard for me to immagine her cheating on me. I hope she doesn't do it again because it would hurt me so bad. I hope something happenes to leave her permanently mute. I feel like she is gone even though we are together and well. I love you Emily and I hate being away from you for even a little while.

I'm settling into my "comfort zone" with Emily. This is such a crucial time for trust, it will make it or break it. I hope she is extra open and honest with me. I need to feel comfortable. The road is still a little bumpy but the worst is over now I think. I'll see her later today and I hope things are not uncomfortable. I'm commiting to the relationship and that is the end of it. I agreed to be together and so I agreed to work at it. I'll work at it and I'll keep up my end.

Me and Emily talked tonight and I think we finally made up after all of this. I realised what it was that I was asking of her and we agreed to talk and to compromise. We agreed to just fuck her friends and have our own relationship. I think we should just make all new friends together. All of Emily's old friends seem to be two faced back stabbers. I think Emily should apolagize to Shannon and I think Me, Emily, Heather, and Kaylyn should move on from that lousy group of two faced back stabbing liars. I know Kaylyn is a liar but she doesn't mean to stab people in the back and she doesn't talk about people behind their backs. I know there must be something wrong with me if all my ex girlfriends have said pretty much the same thing about me. I really want to better myself. I want it to all work out and at this point I really think it will. I want everything to be good and I think it is. God bless us all isn't it a beautiful day? I hope I still feel this way in the morning I think I will. I love you Emily...never forget it.

I don't understand why I feel this way. I just know that I do. It takes thinking about death to make me realise I should keep Emily by my side. People tell me I shouldn't trust her but man that is getting so old. Things keep messing up and going back together and getting all twisted. I feel like she is nothing like me at all. It is starting to feel that way at least. I couldn't tell you what I think because I am so confused and my mind changes so much. I don't feel like she will leave me. She is this dainty little city girl, this girly girl. I grew up in a trailer park. I like climbing trees and having rock fights and playing with bugs and she likes making dresses and going shopping. I like southern girls and she likes shoes. Maybe I do want her to be someone else and maybe she wants the same from me. Won't somebody tell me one thing that we have in common? I don't understand why I like her she is so immature. Maybe we shouldn't be together but I don't know why and I don't want to walk away and neither does she. It's so confusing and I can't tell her how I feel because I don't know. Maybe I'm just getting bored with the same old same old. I'm sick of her telling me she is fat or that she needs more clothes. She has an outfit for almost every day of the year LITTERALLY!!! She makes stupid decisions and I just can't stand how she is acting sometimes. She always ruins the moment when I try to be romantic.

Ok so we went to the mall and I could swear we went to hell. The girl has no money and no income but she buys countless clothes that she doesn't need. In her closet are hundreds and I mean litterally hundreds of clothes that she never wears and yet she still says she needs more. She spends all this money that she doesn't have and she says she wants all these things but she never saves any money. It is so immature and she just doesn't know the way it is. I have money and I keep it for when I need it. I have a job. I don't go spending my money on crap because I know that I can't get anything or do anything without money. She just can't understand that. I just want someone who is smart and does smart things and is smart with their money and doesn't waste it all on clothes that they will never wear. She has easily 15 pairs of shoes and she only wears one or two but she buys more and more and more. If she makes stupid decisions about something as obvious as that then I feel like being with me is a stupid decision too. I feel like I didn't accomplish anything from being with her. She thinks I like Kaylyn and I really don't at all. I mentioned a threesome because I was curious about it and she all comes up with oh I am not good enough for you blah blah blah. It's such a load of shit and she is being such a fucking girl. I wish I could have someone I could run around with and get dirty and play sports and talk about stupid things that other girls would think were gross. In a girlfriend I want a best friend and I want to treat her as I treat myself. Now I find myself dressing differently and acting differently and totally being someone who I never was and I just want to be alone in the worst way. I am so used to being alone and maybe...I don't know. When we are apart I think about her and I miss her and I want to be with her and talk to her and it seems like we are so very different but I know that I love her. I don't know what I want or why I want it but...urg. OK so I'm bored with her body is that it? I don't know what I want or what I feel but I am so sick of being with a girly girl. I want to be friends first and then lovers and the more I get to know her the more it seems like we have nothing in common. She thinks I was looking down Kaylyn's shirt the other day but I really wasn't I didn't even think to. Kaylyn has boobs and Emily doesn't and it doesn't even matter I guess. I just need someone to take me in their arms and scratch my head and tell me to trust them that everyhting will be alright and they will take care of me. I just want to be loved more then anything else. That's all I've ever wanted