We'll lett's see...I spent the day with Emily at her friend Natalie's house in New Hampshire and on the way home I told her mom how to get home because I always drive that way and I knew exactly where I was. I think I may have impressed her mother a little with the fact that I had so much highway experiance. Emily's mom refered to me as Emily's boyfriend so I guess things are clearing up with that and everything is fine and dandy. The End.

So me and Katie are no longer friends because her new boyfriend turned her into a total bitch. That's a good 3 years or so down the drain. Oh well friends come and go. I was gonna have Emily over today cuz I was supposed to be home alone but now my mom called me and told me people would be in my house all day and Emily was supposed to call me an hour and a half ago so I don't know what is going on. I wanna go out to Texas to chill with Leah next summer as a graduation trip. She says she can get me free airplane tickets so woot woot I might just have to take her up on that. I want to go to Maine soo bad I am so excited I always meet so many cool people. Maine is my favorite vacation and I look forward to it all year. I love the beach and I get to spend 7 days there. I'm leaving on the 23 of July. I'll miss Emily but I think it will be alright. This relationship is just getting rediculous with all the planning and sneaking and lying. I've jumped through more hoops in the past months I swear to god. Part of me just wants to say you know what it's dead just let it rest in peace. I don't think I am going to end up having sex with Emily. I just don't feel it any more. I think the relationship is causing me more stress then anything. Maybe I should just get out of it so I can breathe again. I don't have the balls to end it because it isn't over compleatly. Maybe it would be a mercy killing. I love her when I'm with her and then the longer I am away the weaker my grasp on her gets. I kind of just want it to be over I am so ready to move on and find someone else. My heart has been breaking up with her since everything happened. I'll never find someone like her again but maybe I need some time away to realise that. I don't know maybe I just need to think some more about it all.

So me and Katie are no longer friends because her new boyfriend turned her into a total bitch. That's a good 3 years or so down the drain. Oh well friends come and go. I was gonna have Emily over today cuz I was supposed to be home alone but now my mom called me and told me people would be in my house all day and Emily was supposed to call me an hour and a half ago so I don't know what is going on. I wanna go out to Texas to chill with Leah next summer as a graduation trip. She says she can get me free airplane tickets so woot woot I might just have to take her up on that. I want to go to Maine soo bad I am so excited I always meet so many cool people. Maine is my favorite vacation and I look forward to it all year. I love the beach and I get to spend 7 days there. I'm leaving on the 23 of July. I'll miss Emily but I think it will be alright. This relationship is just getting rediculous with all the planning and sneaking and lying. I've jumped through more hoops in the past months I swear to god. Part of me just wants to say you know what it's dead just let it rest in peace. I don't think I am going to end up having sex with Emily. I just don't feel it any more. I think the relationship is causing me more stress then anything. Maybe I should just get out of it so I can breathe again. I don't have the balls to end it because it isn't over compleatly. Maybe it would be a mercy killing. I love her when I'm with her and then the longer I am away the weaker my grasp on her gets. I kind of just want it to be over I am so ready to move on and find someone else. My heart has been breaking up with her since everything happened. I'll never find someone like her again but maybe I need some time away to realise that. I don't know maybe I just need to think some more about it all.

I wrote another letter to Emily's mom last night. I hope it works out the way I want it to. Just for shit's I was playing this John Deere American Farmer computer game and it turned out it was actually a pretty fun game. It's too bad my free hour of the trial period expired. I can't wait to go home and play farmer lol. Today is my cousin Michelle's birthday party and it is at my grandparents house. My aunt and uncle come here and have us give them food and make them food and they just come and leave when they want to and totally use us. I hate those low life. I hope Emily gives her mom the letter and I hope everything works out like I pray that it does. Well they are going to make me cook so I guess I will go now.

I was at Emily's house today and Her mother deffinately hates me. She thinks I did all this to ruin her daughter but the truth is I wasn't the first at all and it wasn't really my idea entirely. I just wish the record could be set straight without making things worse. I just wish they wouldn't hate me I did nothing wrong. I took responcibility for everything and it takes the heat off Emily but I just don't want them to hate me. They think I gave her her first kiss. They think I ruined her. I don't want them to hate me. I don't want to get her in more trouble and I am hoping everything just goes away. I don't know what to do. I just want everything to be ok. I almost fell asleep in her arms today. She makes me feel so safe and comfortable and warm. I love when I can smell her perfume on my clothes. I miss her so much all the time. I wish she would tell her mother the truth and that her mother wouldn't hate me any more. I hope she keeps earning my trust back because I never want to lose her. I would never cheat on her. It's getting hard for me to immagine her cheating on me. I hope she doesn't do it again because it would hurt me so bad. I hope something happenes to leave her permanently mute. I feel like she is gone even though we are together and well. I love you Emily and I hate being away from you for even a little while.

I'm settling into my "comfort zone" with Emily. This is such a crucial time for trust, it will make it or break it. I hope she is extra open and honest with me. I need to feel comfortable. The road is still a little bumpy but the worst is over now I think. I'll see her later today and I hope things are not uncomfortable. I'm commiting to the relationship and that is the end of it. I agreed to be together and so I agreed to work at it. I'll work at it and I'll keep up my end.

Me and Emily talked tonight and I think we finally made up after all of this. I realised what it was that I was asking of her and we agreed to talk and to compromise. We agreed to just fuck her friends and have our own relationship. I think we should just make all new friends together. All of Emily's old friends seem to be two faced back stabbers. I think Emily should apolagize to Shannon and I think Me, Emily, Heather, and Kaylyn should move on from that lousy group of two faced back stabbing liars. I know Kaylyn is a liar but she doesn't mean to stab people in the back and she doesn't talk about people behind their backs. I know there must be something wrong with me if all my ex girlfriends have said pretty much the same thing about me. I really want to better myself. I want it to all work out and at this point I really think it will. I want everything to be good and I think it is. God bless us all isn't it a beautiful day? I hope I still feel this way in the morning I think I will. I love you Emily...never forget it.

I don't understand why I feel this way. I just know that I do. It takes thinking about death to make me realise I should keep Emily by my side. People tell me I shouldn't trust her but man that is getting so old. Things keep messing up and going back together and getting all twisted. I feel like she is nothing like me at all. It is starting to feel that way at least. I couldn't tell you what I think because I am so confused and my mind changes so much. I don't feel like she will leave me. She is this dainty little city girl, this girly girl. I grew up in a trailer park. I like climbing trees and having rock fights and playing with bugs and she likes making dresses and going shopping. I like southern girls and she likes shoes. Maybe I do want her to be someone else and maybe she wants the same from me. Won't somebody tell me one thing that we have in common? I don't understand why I like her she is so immature. Maybe we shouldn't be together but I don't know why and I don't want to walk away and neither does she. It's so confusing and I can't tell her how I feel because I don't know. Maybe I'm just getting bored with the same old same old. I'm sick of her telling me she is fat or that she needs more clothes. She has an outfit for almost every day of the year LITTERALLY!!! She makes stupid decisions and I just can't stand how she is acting sometimes. She always ruins the moment when I try to be romantic.

Ok so we went to the mall and I could swear we went to hell. The girl has no money and no income but she buys countless clothes that she doesn't need. In her closet are hundreds and I mean litterally hundreds of clothes that she never wears and yet she still says she needs more. She spends all this money that she doesn't have and she says she wants all these things but she never saves any money. It is so immature and she just doesn't know the way it is. I have money and I keep it for when I need it. I have a job. I don't go spending my money on crap because I know that I can't get anything or do anything without money. She just can't understand that. I just want someone who is smart and does smart things and is smart with their money and doesn't waste it all on clothes that they will never wear. She has easily 15 pairs of shoes and she only wears one or two but she buys more and more and more. If she makes stupid decisions about something as obvious as that then I feel like being with me is a stupid decision too. I feel like I didn't accomplish anything from being with her. She thinks I like Kaylyn and I really don't at all. I mentioned a threesome because I was curious about it and she all comes up with oh I am not good enough for you blah blah blah. It's such a load of shit and she is being such a fucking girl. I wish I could have someone I could run around with and get dirty and play sports and talk about stupid things that other girls would think were gross. In a girlfriend I want a best friend and I want to treat her as I treat myself. Now I find myself dressing differently and acting differently and totally being someone who I never was and I just want to be alone in the worst way. I am so used to being alone and maybe...I don't know. When we are apart I think about her and I miss her and I want to be with her and talk to her and it seems like we are so very different but I know that I love her. I don't know what I want or why I want it but...urg. OK so I'm bored with her body is that it? I don't know what I want or what I feel but I am so sick of being with a girly girl. I want to be friends first and then lovers and the more I get to know her the more it seems like we have nothing in common. She thinks I was looking down Kaylyn's shirt the other day but I really wasn't I didn't even think to. Kaylyn has boobs and Emily doesn't and it doesn't even matter I guess. I just need someone to take me in their arms and scratch my head and tell me to trust them that everyhting will be alright and they will take care of me. I just want to be loved more then anything else. That's all I've ever wanted

I am so confused about today. I don't know what happened but it's confusing. I know I have these feelings for Emily. I know that for a fact. I could never grow tired or bored with her personality and who she is but her body is less than exciting. I don't want to tell her because she knows about herself and I don't want her to think she is ugly and I am not attracted to her because she deffinately is and I deffinately am. I kinda wish her boobs were bigger but I can deal. It isn't that big of a problem I guess. I want to go away so that I could miss her and I know I would. I was acting like she had before. She started acting like I did before. It's like we changed places. I feel like the only reason she cheated to begin with was because I wasn't good enough and I didn't make her happy enough to not want to. I don't trust her when she hides things from me even if they are stupid pointless things. I think she almost felt what i had felt all those times but it got out of hand. I wanted to drag it out for a couple days but I almost lost her because of it. I want an exciting relationship and running from her parents is not my idea of excitement. Maybe I am not as ready as I thought I was to settle down with one person. I don't know what I want. I guess I just want to be a kid for a while and have no care about what is going on. I threaten someone and now all of a sudden people call the cops on me. It is rediculous. Maybe we should take a break, I don't know what to do I just want it all to work out. I don't feel like we are together, that is for sure. Before last the fireworks I didn't even think I wanted to be with Emily any more. She knows more about me then most people ever will and she is telling me that she is starting to not like who i am. Maybe that is why everyone leaves me. they just figure out who I really am or whatever. I don't really know who I am. I hope she can help me find myself. I know she will be there for me and that will be awesome. Won't someone please come find me and help me. I'm lost. With two people's confusion can only come more confusion and I have held on this long because of her. I need to think and I need to sleep so I guess that is enough for now.

I am so confused about today. I don't know what happened but it's confusing. I know I have these feelings for Emily. I know that for a fact. I could never grow tired or bored with her personality and who she is but her body is less than exciting. I don't want to tell her because she knows about herself and I don't want her to think she is ugly and I am not attracted to her because she deffinately is and I deffinately am. I kinda wish her boobs were bigger but I can deal. It isn't that big of a problem I guess. I want to go away so that I could miss her and I know I would. I was acting like she had before. She started acting like I did before. It's like we changed places. I feel like the only reason she cheated to begin with was because I wasn't good enough and I didn't make her happy enough to not want to. I don't trust her when she hides things from me even if they are stupid pointless things. I think she almost felt what i had felt all those times but it got out of hand. I wanted to drag it out for a couple days but I almost lost her because of it. I want an exciting relationship and running from her parents is not my idea of excitement. Maybe I am not as ready as I thought I was to settle down with one person. I don't know what I want. I guess I just want to be a kid for a while and have no care about what is going on. I threaten someone and now all of a sudden people call the cops on me. It is rediculous. Maybe we should take a break, I don't know what to do I just want it all to work out. I don't feel like we are together, that is for sure. Before last the fireworks I didn't even think I wanted to be with Emily any more. She knows more about me then most people ever will and she is telling me that she is starting to not like who i am. Maybe that is why everyone leaves me. they just figure out who I really am or whatever. I don't really know who I am. I hope she can help me find myself. I know she will be there for me and that will be awesome. Won't someone please come find me and help me. I'm lost. With two people's confusion can only come more confusion and I have held on this long because of her. I need to think and I need to sleep so I guess that is enough for now.

So maybe she isn't a super model, and her boobs really aren't that big...but to me she will always be beautiful and who really cares about boobs. The girl could be everything I ever wanted. I don't know what she does or thinks about when I am away. I don't know if I can trust her, but she tells me that I can and that is as good a place to start as any. I do love her and I always will. Tonight I found a bit of faith that I had lost. I don't know what will happen but if it is with her then it will be well worth it. I think we are learning how to take care of things and that this will be good. I love her and that's all that matters. The end.

I don't want to leave her. I don't want it to be over. I love her with all my heart and I don't want to hurt her. Every time I try to talk to her and tell her what is on my mind she ends up crying. She is confused because I am confused. She tells me we can make everything work but I guess I don't feel like we can. I am holding on to memories of good times and to her hope. Even though I am almost ready to let go she has hope it will work and I cling to that as much as I can. I remember how we would walk along the lake together or take pictures in the photo booth at the mall. I remember how I went to church with her even though she is Baptist and I am Catholic. When she cheated on me and lied to me I still wanted us to go to counceling together to try and work it out. I don't want to give up and she says I am getting her hopes up and smashing them. I really don't want to do that nor do I mean to. When I close me eyes I either see her with him or me with another girl only not wanting to do anything cuz I think of how it would hurt Emily. I thought about cheating and trying to get back at her but I really don't want anyone else. I have this dull pain, this stress that wears on me. I need something to hold me up I need reassurance that I am doing the right thing that it can work. I don't want this to be a huge mistake or a waste of a good summer. After everything that happened I don't know how I could ever trust her again but I need her to tell me that I can. i want to forget about everything and move on blindly. I want it to all go away and just leave me and Emily alone. I don't feel like it can work but I know she thinks it can. I can't trust her but I need her to tell me that I can. I need her to tell me she will be there to care for me that I can always talk to her that she will always be there that she will do anything to make me happy that she will worship the ground I walk on that she will jnever hurt me again that I mean more then life to her that nothing else matters if she can't have me. I need her to believe that I should take her back and I need her to tell me why. I need her mother to die or to at least dissappear. I need this stress to lift off my chest. It is so hard to give up while she is still fighting. I've always put in all that I get in return but it's just too much and I can't do it any more. I'm 85% ready to walk away and leave her behind, but that last 15% of me is my heart and my love for her. Maybe September will be magical, but this is July and i don't know what to do. We keep getting together and breaking up but in my heart and in my mind we have always been a couple. I see it in my words, my actions, and in my dreams. I don't want to lose it all. I just want strength and for her to come and get me. I want her to come and get me and love me like no one ever has and sweep me off my feet and make me depend on her for all the loving I need. I need a miracle...I need a hero

Emily tells me all about how it can work and how great everything can be but I don't really believe her fully. I want her to be happy and if we were together it would be great but I honestly think trying to hold on to this relationship is only going to hurt more each day. I don't want to give up on her or anything but I just don't feel like it is going to work. She says she will still be waiting in the fall if I want to leave but I doubt that. I don't know what to think or what to say or what to do but honestly I don't even really care that much any more. I'm drifting and I don't think I'll be comming back. Maybe I should go get an ice cream maybe that would make me feel a little better. I still want Emily to have my virginity even if the relationship doesn't work out. I'll hold on a little longer and give her a little more of a chance to make things work. I don't have any faith in it and I don't think it will. Whatever at least I can't be hurt any more I am totally numb to anything having to do with Emily. I just hope something can work out...but I doubt it will. So in conclusion I just want to say, I'm not holding my breath.

So maybe I should just move on and forget bout it all. Out of sight out of mind right? I feel like I am drifting almost to the point of no return. Congratulations Emily's mom you have succeded in stomping a happy relationship into the ground. I guess I don't even care any more it is just too draining and it is clearly going no where. I guess I just don't feel it any more. You can fight for something so long but in the end it just ends up where it belongs. I don't think I will say anything to her yet in case my feelings change or if I am in a wierd mood. Maybe I do need another girl. Not to get back at Emily but maybe just to move things along. It's just the close of another chapter in my life. On to the next screw up right? Well if not for all else, at least I enjoyed it while it lasted. It's been fun. As for Emily, I will always love her because love will never go away. Who knows, maybe fall will come and something magical will happen. I guess I am just too much of a romantic to see things in any other way. I will try to continue to write for those of you who care about my life and actually read this. Even though my life is no longer in crisis mode I suppose I can let go and fly away. That sounds good to me. I don't wanna hurt anyone or give anything up. I do love Emily. I'm sure when I see her I will fall even more in love all over again. She isn't around enough. I don't expect anyone to know what I want because I don't even know what I want. I just want for everyone to be happy. I dream about messing around with other girls or...at least I dream about wanting to mess around, but I never do because I always think of Emily in my dreams and how much I would hurt her. We arent even together and I still think about her whenever I even look at an attractive girl. I don't flirt and I certainly don't touch. I guess then I still want to be with Emily. This is just a bad time I guess. Bad times get better though. I'm not missing out on anything so I guess I will stick it out some more. I told Emily I would go a couple weeks into the summer anyway and it has only been a week. Everything happenes for a reason and this is probably preparing me for a better relationship or something. It will come to me when the time is right. I guess that is the fun of life. You never know what you're gonna get. lol Let's just conclude this entry with something to clear up what is going on for everyone. I feel weird and I'm not going to act on it cuz I dunno what I want yet or why I want it and I don't want to burn my bridges or lose something that later I will remember that i really want more then anything. Ya got all that? Alright, later my peeps

Me and Emily got in another fight...again. I don't want to ever lose her but I can't do this with thinking about her with him all the time and everything else. I do love her more then anything and I never want to lose her but it hurts so much and I just want to be able tomove on. I told her I was gonna cheat on her but I think it would only make me feel worse. Really the only thing that can make this better is time and her showing me how she should be... I don't know I want her to love me but I have my doubts about if she does and I probably always will. I know this will never go away but she keeps trying to push it out of her mind and forget about it and it is like HELLO!!! if anyone should try to forget about it it should be me not you. You should have to live with the grief for the rest of your life. I don't know why I would ever do this I just know how much I love her. I love Alli...Maybe I would be better if I just let Emily go and tried to move on day by day.I don't want to and I don't feel ready to but I just don't know. Lately I have felt like all my friends secretly hate me but Annemarie is back from California so that makes things better. If both people want to hold on...could it still be possible that the best thing would be to let go? I can't think. I don't know what to do. Maybe I do need time just as much as she does. I don't like fighting with her but in a way I do. It lets me get things out and makes me feel a little better. It's like now i get a break from telling her it will be ok when I know inside I am breaking to pieces. Love is the only cure for a broken heart and I can't even have that because her mother won't have it. I can sleep but things will not be better in the morning and...I just wish I could read her mind. No amount of tears can make it go away...just make it feel a little better for a bit. I guess for this time I can give advise but I should really take my own. So...in the words of the great Andrew "Just live sweetie...just live" I'll be ok until the sun will rise again. But for now, I must rest and find inside myself the answers that I seek. Goodnight people. I love you all...

So work was rediculous...again. I am just wainting to get fired because they clearly don't need me any more. Kaylyn aka my bitch is not allowed to have phone calls so now i can't talk to emily nd heather says she will talk to bruce about everything on monday. I just want to find a way home. That's all I guess. I need to start writing again I havent in forever maybe that's an idea

Do you ever wonder how you can lose all hope and still have a reason to hold on? I think it has something to do with that fact that you remember something was there. Something that you know that you would never want to lose, but that you don't remember going missing.
   When me and Emily first got together all I knew, or what I thought I knew was that she was a slut and she had sex with like a billion guys and that I shouldn't go near her without a can of lysol. Well, we started talking and she absolutely swept me off my feel and she turned out to be the sweetest girl you could ever meet. Everything went awesome and the rest I guess you could say was history until she cheated on me with someone who I thought was my friend at a party that I drove her to and then went out of my way to trust her alone. Even after that I knew things had happened but she continued to lie to my face about nothing having happened and then I had to find out from the guy who did it. Everyone tells me not to talk to her any more and everything about not trusting her. I still love her and everything about her except everything she did. I tried working it out with her and we even went to counceling together. At that point I didn't know what to do any more and I just continued trying to do what god would want me to do or some bullshit but then things only festered. One thing leads to another and now this guy is trying to get a restraining order against me because I told him I was gonna kick his ass. Even more time goes by and the restraining order is dropped but the thing is Emily told her mom that we did more then kiss. her mother's philosophy: "The only thing that is acceptable before you are married are kissing and holding hands, but you have to be careful when you are kissing because it can get too passionate." Wow is that not the biggest load of bullshit you have ever heard in your life? Ok well now my friend Kaylyn is hooking up witht he kid my gf cheated on me with my gf's mom won't let us talk more then an hour a week on the phone and after writing her a bullshit note of apolagy, I am allowed to go to emily's house once a week for a couple hours. Now, Emily's parents don't trust me I don't know what to think about anything I am trying to get Emily to grow up and be more mature and less selfish and I can't stop thinking about her. Problem, part of me has just let go and doesnt care any more. I honestly feel like I am getting no where and like no matter how hard I try things will never be the same again. I don't know what to do so I am doing nothing and I don't have any faith or hope so I am praying because it is all I can think to do. I just don't care any more but I want it all to work out. I know time heals all things but every moment lasts forever. Why do things always have to be so hard? I think I am doomed to never ever have a good relationship ever, I know I never have before. I have so many other things to complain aboutthat I just deem as being unimportant or what have you. I just wanna know why I am doing this and that I am going to get somehting out of this that things will change for the better because of me dealing with this and sticking it through. I see emily everywhere I look and I always wish she is with me I love her so much and I don't want to give up on her and i know if i were to be single then i would be single for a long time before i was totally over emily or even enough so to seek another relationship. I just want it all to work out and I don't think there is anything I can do about it. It sucks but as I always say, I'm used to it. That I guess just about brings you up to date since I haven't written in like 3 months. I'll try to stay regular. I'll try. I guess I'll write later then. bye peoples.

ok ashley likes me as a friend kaylyn wants to fuck me and emily wants to make out with me but might be afriad of me...? i'm so confused but vacation is comming and i will have the car so rock on i guess... right?

If life ever mattered much...it doesnt matter now. I now see what it is I try to clear up is only normal and I am the one with all the problems...so...i give up. in order to fully be myself...i have to be just like you and so...i will no longer be reliable smart trustworthy unbiased or free from judgement. i'm no longer looking for a girl as there is no point. there is no point in talking me out of it as I have already severed my soul from this wretched flesh. We are reading about psychological disorders in school and all these things are things I have had since the beginning. Where I thought I was normal I am really the freak they have always made me out to be. Johnna told me she moved just so she wouldnt have to talk to me. So this is what I'm living for...nothing. Life is not what I thought it was even though I never thought much of it to begin with. I always wondered why I had no friends but now I am seeing I am a failure at life will never be anything. I scorn you for stopping my endless attempted suicide you have only made things worse on me. so I guess I leave this as a last testiment of all I have done for nothing. Not a one of you has not heard of the hundreds of girls who used me hurt me cheated on me and never really cared. Lies are the only way to live as I have found and I guess I am not as good as I saw. I am but a fake...i've never felt anything so empty. i stretch feelings for what I see as leverage or trying to do what I see as helping people. I see now no matter what I do I will mess everything up for everyone. this is not where I belong or how...how i should "live". And as I look back apon the path I have already traveled I see only one set of footprints in the scorched turf beneath my feet. A miracle would be the end of humanity and all of it's likeness. So spirit take me up into the stars. leave me alone. let me fly far. take me away. I know none of you really know what this all means but I know this is for the best. so I will leave you all and stop ending your lives that you so enjoy. Live it well...it's the only one you will get. and finally...whatever you do...never make the mistake and be like me...you will never forgive yourself. I am not a role model but a model of the worst way you could live. so live on I wish you all the best in life as you all fit in. my "friends" my followers my "lovers" do yourselves a favor and forget about me as i will never be anything and soon I will be gone forever. you may be upset now but one day you will look back and thank me...thank me for saving your immortal soul and fixing every part of life you ever had...Goodbye