If life ever mattered much...it doesnt matter now. I now see what it is I try to clear up is only normal and I am the one with all the problems...so...i give up. in order to fully be myself...i have to be just like you and so...i will no longer be reliable smart trustworthy unbiased or free from judgement. i'm no longer looking for a girl as there is no point. there is no point in talking me out of it as I have already severed my soul from this wretched flesh. We are reading about psychological disorders in school and all these things are things I have had since the beginning. Where I thought I was normal I am really the freak they have always made me out to be. Johnna told me she moved just so she wouldnt have to talk to me. So this is what I'm living for...nothing. Life is not what I thought it was even though I never thought much of it to begin with. I always wondered why I had no friends but now I am seeing I am a failure at life will never be anything. I scorn you for stopping my endless attempted suicide you have only made things worse on me. so I guess I leave this as a last testiment of all I have done for nothing. Not a one of you has not heard of the hundreds of girls who used me hurt me cheated on me and never really cared. Lies are the only way to live as I have found and I guess I am not as good as I saw. I am but a fake...i've never felt anything so empty. i stretch feelings for what I see as leverage or trying to do what I see as helping people. I see now no matter what I do I will mess everything up for everyone. this is not where I belong or how...how i should "live". And as I look back apon the path I have already traveled I see only one set of footprints in the scorched turf beneath my feet. A miracle would be the end of humanity and all of it's likeness. So spirit take me up into the stars. leave me alone. let me fly far. take me away. I know none of you really know what this all means but I know this is for the best. so I will leave you all and stop ending your lives that you so enjoy. Live it well...it's the only one you will get. and finally...whatever you do...never make the mistake and be like me...you will never forgive yourself. I am not a role model but a model of the worst way you could live. so live on I wish you all the best in life as you all fit in. my "friends" my followers my "lovers" do yourselves a favor and forget about me as i will never be anything and soon I will be gone forever. you may be upset now but one day you will look back and thank me...thank me for saving your immortal soul and fixing every part of life you ever had...Goodbye

today summer up...slept through my alarm again but my mom woke me up this time and i got started on my documentary the psychci said i had mush around my aura and i needed to accept a new spirit or something whatever the hell that means and i called jill a stupid little bitch i didnt mean it though i'm sorry jill :-( havent talked to anyone on the phone other then my mom and my dad he called me like 15 secodns after the bell rang to let school out what timing oh yeah and i taught my math class something that the teacher couldnt explain just cuz i already knew it w/e today is so fucked up but hey according to my destiny roport for 2005 i am going to find a "suitor" around july 21 so yay oh yah and supposedly tomorrow i will realise why everything has been happening so i'll let ya know how that works out for me and dear god i think i am hitting on cosette wow i rly need to get some sleep every day i tell myself bed by 10 and every day it never happenes kk so i'll post laterz bye

today just keeps getting worse...i'm just sitting here in my bed with no one to talk to i am so lonely i wish there was someone i could talk to on the phone i havent had a phone call in days i am falling apart i'm all alone

what is there to say i was up WAY too late last night fighting with jill about stupid relationship things that she just doesnt understand or w/e basically she is doing everything alli was doing and this time i am not going to let it progress so yeah i wasnt woken up this morning till 7:15 and i have to be in my desk at school at 7:30 so i didnt get to eat or shower or anything and it absolutly sucked in school i got a horrible progress report and i found out my phone bill this month is 300 dollars oh yeah and i slept in english got some much needed rest and now i am at home talking to ashley i know who thought that would start happening again you know i still love her and part of me always will i had a great time with her and...i dunno but my dad is being an ass saying he is sick of driving down her but her wants to see us more so I THINK HE IS GETTING ME A CAR!!!! yay i love you dad ok well my phone fell off my pants today and i am so happy it didnt break i would have cried lol and umm i guess that is it for now bye

Grrrrrrr I HATE MY MOM!!!! she is so fucking stupid omfg i told her to let me help my grandfather pick out a digital camera for my grandmother but no my mom who thinks she is the expert at everyhting but really knows nothing wouldnt let me so what happened they bought my grandmother who only uses the camrea for family birthday parties a 5.1 mp camera instead of getting her a 3.6 mp cannon camera with compatible wireless photo printer so hmm letts see can you say OVERKILL!!! now my grandfather has to pay like 80 kazillion dollars for a 5.1 megapixel camera that the highest quality they will use is 2.1 and still no photo printer does anyone else see my mom as being a retard who says oh "she deserves to take good quality pictures too" well sorry mom but you are fucking retarded oh no dont listen to the kid who has been taking classes on this shit for 3 years listen to yourself who knows two things about digital cameras jack and shit and you know what jack left town so omfg mom you can just take the 5.1 fucking megapixel camera and shove it up your fat fucking ass because my grandmother will only be able to take like two pictures with it because she has no card for it and omfg why will no one listen to me about anything i mean hello i do go to school for this stuff urg I HATE YOU MOM I ALWAYS HAVE AND I HAVE NO DOUBT I ALWAYS WILL YOU FUCKING DIRTY CUNT!!!!!

AIM IM with xoAlLi sAyS
12/10/04, 11:11 PM
Reconnecting to xoAlLi sAyS…
hey, ur friend imed me earlier
...
why
why what
why did ur friend im me
i dont know why r u asking me
im just wondering cuz it was random
she cares about me
ok
so why are you giving people my s/n
but hey i know you dont want to talk to me so i wouldnt want to burden you any longer
ok whatever andrew
you have been ignoring my calls for 3 days what do you expect
i didn't expect anything
i didn't expect ur friend to im me randomly either
11:15 PM
why have you been ignoring my calls you want nothing to do with me is that it
no its because i have no explanation and you always demand one
yeah dave said something to you that made you treat me like absolute shit you wont tell me what he said or why you did what you did
oh but i'm sorry he is your real friend
shut the fuck up
why should i
because i am not going to deal with your shit right now
what did you expect psh the real question is what did i expect but apparently it was too much for you to handle
my shit?
im already stressed out enough without you getting on my back
MY SHIT?
yes your chit
*shit
11:20 PM
oh i'm sorry miss priss does not letting you walk all over me and treat me like shit whilst telling me you love me account for shit well i gut news for you princess if me not letting you get away with being a bitch to me is shit then you are in for a whole lot more shit
and who are you to say you cant deal with it
like you even care
well if you did you certainly dont act like it and you know what maybe i was wrong to love you maybe i was wrong to care for you maybe i was wrong to make sacrifices for you and maybe i was wrong to pay a 250 dollar phone bill wirth of overages because i was afriad of losing you
my god do you EVER think of anyone other then yourself
even just once
you amaze me i never knew anyone could be such a shit head and still think they are the shit
you know maybe i lost this time and all the times before and maybe i let you play me blindly for 6 months
but when i am done dealing with absolute heart break
cleaning up the kitchen...

don't talk to me anymore. i hate you. you know who you are.
i hope the guilt eats you alive
11:30 PM
every day i ever cried for you was a waste of feelings that you would never even consider returning and i dont know why i ever even gave you a chance because all the lies just led me around one after another well i'm done and i'm sick of you you stupic little piece of shit it is people like you that give a bad name to the human race you scum sucking little vermon and you know what this time i am not just saying it to make you feel bad i truely believe that you are a piece of scum for everyhting you have done and that you deserve every bit of misfortune you get and i just hope you get treated the same way you treated me and you know what i can see why dave hit you it would certainly make me feel a lot better right now you stupid little cunt
yeah and that's why you called ur friend uncontrollably sobbing last night
right
yeah well you've just proven everything i was trying to convince myself wasnt true
you're pathetic...according to your friend that's not how you feel at all
you know what dont even talk because the utter crap that comes out of your mouth is starting to sicken me it's all a bunch of bull thats all it ever has been
i'm just comming to that realisation
bullshit
i never meant anyhting to you and that is why you treated me as such a piece of scum
that is not true you fucking asshole
it is true and you know it
no it is not
trust me i would tell you if it wasn't
11:35 PM
every time you encouraged your friends to make fun of me every time you lied to me about doing something every time you lied to me about how you felt
i never encouraged my friends to make fun of you
ever
yah well laughing at them is encouragement
every time huh
cuz it happened oh...ONCE
oh yeah really once
yeah really
and you still admit to doing it
im not going to lie to you
you always tell me not to...if you remembered anything at all
not any more huh
i always told u not to lie it never stopped you before
yeahhhhh well "honesty is the best policy"
yeah and honestly you disgust me about now
ok that's your issue
cuz no one else has a problem with me except you
so im not going to let it bug me
yeah well look at your friends you will know why
so whats wrong with my friends
they r typical kniving lying back stabbing bitches
oh are you referring to emily? sorry that's only one of my friends
you've never met my other ones
yup except anna danielle catie dave...
11:40 PM
what did katie do?
she did absolutely nothing
yeah katie did nothing
i'll admit that
you should think before you speak because right now you sound much more intelligent with your mouth shut
you know wall about that alli this is the most you have talked since i met you
yeah so i won't make stupid comments like the ones you amke
*make
right so now i am making stupid comment
i was listing people i have met genious
and my psat scores came back at ivy league level
you cant even spell GENIUS right
come on now
at least i tell people when i have a problem and at least i dont lie
at least i am loyal and trustworthy
if i have a problem its my business
im loyal to my friends
yeah well it is obviously fucking my business
not anymore its not
then i guess i was never your friend
i guess not
but hey i guess i could have seen it if i had opened my eyes
yeah oh well
you know what i just want to spit in your face right now
i honestly couldn't care less
11:45 PM
you need to be smacked
sorry but you don't affect me in any way
yeah i can honestly say the same for me
you are just a lying little scum sucker
well that's good then...im glad i don't affect you because then you won't bother me anymore
its all good cuz im back with dave...you don't compare at all
you have way more problems then i could ever fix mainly is that ur a stupid little cunt and ur just like ur mom
like mother like daughter
right
yup
the guy that hits you and stabs you in thee back and lies to you to get you to do what he wants and plans out where he is gogint o touch you days aheead of time
you deserve eachother
thats one way to look at it
i'd still like to know what he said about you that made you act the way you did
well you're not going to have that privilege
why would i tell you after all you just said
because the two of you are liars
right ok well its all good...i hope you find a gf who will deal with all ur problems
and i hope you find a boyfriend who will treat you like shit and make you want to kill yourself
oh wait YOU DID
11:50 PM
yeah well he's also the guy i cheated on you with...so goodbye have a nice life
xoAlLi sAyS has gone offline.

AIM IM with xoAlLi sAyS
12/10/04, 11:11 PM
Reconnecting to xoAlLi sAyS…
hey, ur friend imed me earlier
...
why
why what
why did ur friend im me
i dont know why r u asking me
im just wondering cuz it was random
she cares about me
ok
so why are you giving people my s/n
but hey i know you dont want to talk to me so i wouldnt want to burden you any longer
ok whatever andrew
you have been ignoring my calls for 3 days what do you expect
i didn't expect anything
i didn't expect ur friend to im me randomly either
11:15 PM
why have you been ignoring my calls you want nothing to do with me is that it
no its because i have no explanation and you always demand one
yeah dave said something to you that made you treat me like absolute shit you wont tell me what he said or why you did what you did
oh but i'm sorry he is your real friend
shut the fuck up
why should i
because i am not going to deal with your shit right now
what did you expect psh the real question is what did i expect but apparently it was too much for you to handle
my shit?
im already stressed out enough without you getting on my back
MY SHIT?
yes your chit
*shit
11:20 PM
oh i'm sorry miss priss does not letting you walk all over me and treat me like shit whilst telling me you love me account for shit well i gut news for you princess if me not letting you get away with being a bitch to me is shit then you are in for a whole lot more shit
and who are you to say you cant deal with it
like you even care
well if you did you certainly dont act like it and you know what maybe i was wrong to love you maybe i was wrong to care for you maybe i was wrong to make sacrifices for you and maybe i was wrong to pay a 250 dollar phone bill wirth of overages because i was afriad of losing you
my god do you EVER think of anyone other then yourself
even just once
you amaze me i never knew anyone could be such a shit head and still think they are the shit
you know maybe i lost this time and all the times before and maybe i let you play me blindly for 6 months
but when i am done dealing with absolute heart break
cleaning up the kitchen...

don't talk to me anymore. i hate you. you know who you are.
i hope the guilt eats you alive
11:30 PM
every day i ever cried for you was a waste of feelings that you would never even consider returning and i dont know why i ever even gave you a chance because all the lies just led me around one after another well i'm done and i'm sick of you you stupic little piece of shit it is people like you that give a bad name to the human race you scum sucking little vermon and you know what this time i am not just saying it to make you feel bad i truely believe that you are a piece of scum for everyhting you have done and that you deserve every bit of misfortune you get and i just hope you get treated the same way you treated me and you know what i can see why dave hit you it would certainly make me feel a lot better right now you stupid little cunt
yeah and that's why you called ur friend uncontrollably sobbing last night
right
yeah well you've just proven everything i was trying to convince myself wasnt true
you're pathetic...according to your friend that's not how you feel at all
you know what dont even talk because the utter crap that comes out of your mouth is starting to sicken me it's all a bunch of bull thats all it ever has been
i'm just comming to that realisation
bullshit
i never meant anyhting to you and that is why you treated me as such a piece of scum
that is not true you fucking asshole
it is true and you know it
no it is not
trust me i would tell you if it wasn't
11:35 PM
every time you encouraged your friends to make fun of me every time you lied to me about doing something every time you lied to me about how you felt
i never encouraged my friends to make fun of you
ever
yah well laughing at them is encouragement
every time huh
cuz it happened oh...ONCE
oh yeah really once
yeah really
and you still admit to doing it
im not going to lie to you
you always tell me not to...if you remembered anything at all
not any more huh
i always told u not to lie it never stopped you before
yeahhhhh well "honesty is the best policy"
yeah and honestly you disgust me about now
ok that's your issue
cuz no one else has a problem with me except you
so im not going to let it bug me
yeah well look at your friends you will know why
so whats wrong with my friends
they r typical kniving lying back stabbing bitches
oh are you referring to emily? sorry that's only one of my friends
you've never met my other ones
yup except anna danielle catie dave...
11:40 PM
what did katie do?
she did absolutely nothing
yeah katie did nothing
i'll admit that
you should think before you speak because right now you sound much more intelligent with your mouth shut
you know wall about that alli this is the most you have talked since i met you
yeah so i won't make stupid comments like the ones you amke
*make
right so now i am making stupid comment
i was listing people i have met genious
and my psat scores came back at ivy league level
you cant even spell GENIUS right
come on now
at least i tell people when i have a problem and at least i dont lie
at least i am loyal and trustworthy
if i have a problem its my business
im loyal to my friends
yeah well it is obviously fucking my business
not anymore its not
then i guess i was never your friend
i guess not
but hey i guess i could have seen it if i had opened my eyes
yeah oh well
you know what i just want to spit in your face right now
i honestly couldn't care less
11:45 PM
you need to be smacked
sorry but you don't affect me in any way
yeah i can honestly say the same for me
you are just a lying little scum sucker
well that's good then...im glad i don't affect you because then you won't bother me anymore
its all good cuz im back with dave...you don't compare at all
you have way more problems then i could ever fix mainly is that ur a stupid little cunt and ur just like ur mom
like mother like daughter
right
yup
the guy that hits you and stabs you in thee back and lies to you to get you to do what he wants and plans out where he is gogint o touch you days aheead of time
you deserve eachother
thats one way to look at it
i'd still like to know what he said about you that made you act the way you did
well you're not going to have that privilege
why would i tell you after all you just said
because the two of you are liars
right ok well its all good...i hope you find a gf who will deal with all ur problems
and i hope you find a boyfriend who will treat you like shit and make you want to kill yourself
oh wait YOU DID
11:50 PM
yeah well he's also the guy i cheated on you with...so goodbye have a nice life
xoAlLi sAyS has gone offline.

lol i dun got cheated on...again lol wow halelujah

Another dream that will never come true
Just to compliment your sorrow
Another life that I've taken from you
A gift to add on to your pain and suffering
Another truth you can never believe
Has crippled you completely
All the cries you're beginning to hear
Trapped in your mind, and the sound is deafening

Let me enlighten you
This is the way I pray

[Chorus]
Living just isn't hard enough
Burn me alive, inside
Living my life's not hard enough
Take everything away

Another nightmare about to come true
Will manifest tomorrow
Another love that I've taken from you
Lost in time, on the edge of suffering
Another taste of the evil I breed
Will level you completely
Bring to life everything that you fear
Live in the dark, and the world is threatening

Let me enlighten you
This is the way i pray

[chorus]

Return to me
Leave me no one
Turn to me
Return to me
Cast aside

You've made me turn away

[chorus]

Violet talked to Alli online today...not much progress but w/e it was a nice gesture alli says about how much she just wants me to be happy and how i am not happy with her i always tell her what she is doing wrong blah blah blah blah BLAH!!! i'm sorry but not a day goes bye that i dont tell that girl how much i love her and not a second goes bye that she is not on my mind...this just isnt right i mean she knew violet would show me the conversation maybe she was just saying things...i really dont know any more i cried all night last night untill i finally cried myself to sleep around 1:30 thank god for violet and company that at least tried to cheer me up lol at least douglas still loves me even though he slept on the floor last night...rejected by the dog oh man...they finally paid me for last friday apparently they had given me the wrong envelope those damn tax nazi's someone didnt tip me out either i was short 5 bucks those bastards...i should have left around 8:30 tonght but dave is a fat prostitute with no life and he made me stay till 10 i wish john had stayed he would have let me go...i dunno what to do about alli i am so confused and i really dont know what is real any more......................i just want everything to be ok i want her back i dont care what it takes...i havent slept in what 8 days now how fun it rly sucks when u try to do volleyball but hey that psat that i absolutly blew off...yeah i got all advanced scores in it...lol who would have thought me ivy league material lol yah right ok yeah as much as i wanna talk i know u guys dont want to read about me droll on and on about alli cuz i do that anyway hehe i love you guys thank you so much for being there i dont think i would still be here without you

today is a complete mess i have been crying for 6 days now and i havent slept at all i am so lonely and i just feel like i need alli so badly i dont know what i am going to do but i just hope everyhting is ok

the two of them were so perfect for each other that no one in their right mind could speak otherwise. the couple could share each others ups and downs and their push and pull on each other was so sencronised that every beat of their heart was in true harmony. step by step they travel the well beaten path of life even though there are many dangers along the way. but their love was all they could ever need
when they met the stars seemed to shine down like rain from the heavens and the voices that these footprints followed could only have been those of god himself. the waves crashed gracefully that night and the moon stood still in the sky. the birds no longer sang and the lights all dimmed. then it was just the perfect girl with that average guy for everyone to see. he held her hands and kissed her lips and the two melted into each other forever.
at that moment there was no longer him and her but they were a couple and a part of them stayed with each other from that day on. though they ran into many pitfalls and problems along the way none of it ever really mattered. neither of them could see any further then the part of them that was now replaced with a part of the other.
every time that man lay eyes on the girl of his dreams a tear would run down his cheek and though she always knew what was wrong, the two never let on that there was.
kisses are the lover’s fruit and the passion from within. these two would scream of their love from mountain tops as long as they were together.
she always saw herself as so much less then him and he her but in truth the two of them taught each other many new lessons. he taught her not to listen to the populous and to be her own person, to be confident. in return she taught him of unconditional love and of much patients. they both taught each other how far love could really bring you and never even thought of another person.
the two grew old together, side by side. always a new fight, a new discussion but always learned from, always worth something. it was a sad life for both though they made each other as happy as they ever needed, and like the sand on the beach where they first met, their lives sifted from one way to another.
now as much as i tried to show and explain that girl never truly understood how i felt about her, how we lived, together. it was the most important time of my life. it was my whole life. i was once told that earth was how i earned my way into heaven but i don’t believe that second, no sir. that girl was the only angel i’d ever seen and my heaven was right here on earth, with her hand in mine and our hearts as one.
that is how she died...our hands interlocked and a final breath that would last forever. i remember those last moments better then any as they were my own as well. even at this old age my wife was the most beautiful thing i had ever laid eyes apon and she was my entire meaning of life. it reminds me fondly of that august that i vowed to live my life for her and to bring out everything she could be. i don't think i could have done more. to this day i remember the cranberry juice in the 16 oz cup that she was drinking as she kicked off her shoes and walked through the waves. many things have changed since then but one thing hasn’t. every day since that lonely july oh so long ago i have had something i never had before, purpose, for the first time ever my life had purpose and i believe god asked special of me to take care of one of his angels fallen.
when she left this world i had no reason left to be in it and so i followed her. hand in hand like i always had. she passed away and we died in each others arms and our life will truly be everlasting.

Another to you my love...

(Darkness)

it draws on my eternal soul sucking at this empty whole never ending silent bliss kill me now the violent kiss slit me down bleed me out show me what its all about cut me down and leave me dead mess around inside my head hang me there upon a thorn a solemn scent of you once worn make it go and fly away and make this darkness end today

Yesterday I was dumped by Alli's friend emily...yes the same girl that called me the second she woke up to tell me how much she loved me the same girl that sent me a text message when she woke up in the middle of the night to see if i was up and wanted to talk yah well apparently the words "i love you you are the only one i belong with i won't let anyone or anyhting take you away from me" mean nothing to girls so here we go Alli this one's for you

I'm sorry that I hurt you I'm sorry that I lied I'm sorry that I feel asleep and then layed down and cried I'm sorry for your torture for your never ending bliss I'm sorry for my broken heart you make me feel like this I'm sorry that I loved you I know you feel the same I'm sorry that I never felt the coldness in the rain I'm sorry that I'd be there whenever you were sad I'm sorry that your pretty face was nearly always glad but most of all I'm sorry for all I've done for you because all of my commitment will never just be through


In case anyone is interested these are the exact words said to me by Emily

"ok this is rediculous stop thinking alli likes you she doesn't you have turned into her stalker almost you have made ur problems hers and it's not right alli will agree to what i'm saying you arn't going out leave her alone you are a sketchy kid you make her feel so sorry for you thats why this has gone on for so long she won't say this to you cuz she is too nice so just leave her alone you need to get some help alli has not been interested in you so go away you are the worst influence i hate you because of how you have affected her so stop leave her alone and go away no all you have managed to do was scare her with your wierd mental problems and she isn't your gf every time you bother her or call her you get her in a bad mood you are talking to emily but alli is approving all of these you need to stop stalking her you have used her by making her feel so sorry for you find happieness elsewhere yes she should have been truthful from the beginning but believe everything i have said so leave her alone"

I'm so in love with you Alli and I would have worked my ass off to make your every dream come true you know that I guess all this time was just a waste after all

things are so confusing lately i just never know what is going on. i mean, i usually don't but at the same time i do to an extent. i just keep crashing and my friends are leaving me, my birthday present got delivered to the wrong house, no one wants to talk to me and those who do are never around very long. my mind is held captive by that look in your eye as i twist the blade deeper into your gut. it's feelings like these that have me confused i used to love girls and now it seems like i want to murder them all. i just really need someone to come and save me you know, to pick me up brush me off tell me it will be alright and then be there solid. i have no use for someoen that will come and go what i need is a lifelong mate ugh i can't even straiten out my thoughts and my feelings it is all entangled and it burns. free me bloody dagger, free me from this wretched flesh and free me from myself. here we go people the secret to winning me over

1. never lie to me
2. trust me
3. be trustworthy
4. be reliable
5. give me a lot of attention
6. listen to what i say and try to understand me
7. read what i write it is the only way to truely know who i am my writing is my soul
8. i am like a puppy...go from there

would it be really gay if I started writing in this thing? please answer