hrm havent had a chance to write in here, but its ok cus i know no1 reads it, thats not why i write in here. erm my stepdads got cancer again.., and as a result of his ever chnaging moods i mite get thrown out onto the street at any given time. erm i miss my dad havent seen him for like a month and hes depressd cus his fiance is breaking up with him after 6 years and his job is going downhill. im gona miss having another mother figurea round dont know wot its going to be like without her. Things with me are erm... ok.... i have been happy and ive also felt like shit this week i dont know how to cope with some aspects of life, school work emotions, friends the sheer boredom i have been facing and of course life at home, and how can i stop it all getting ontop of me ..... i wish i was a little kid again when i only had to worry about the little things and life just seemed to ease along......

told everyone my family my friends the scratches on my face were caused by walking into a tree wen i was drunk... and im sorry i lid but i felt i had to... its not true... it was strange uncontolable urge to mutilate myself... my stupid ugly face..... and the drunk bit was right... i was drunk when i did it and that just amplified all my feelings.
There is no prospect for me here anymore, i sat by my window today watching the blizzard outside and i just thought why am i here? why cant i be somewhere else. I hate this place the boring everydayness is getting me down... there is nobody here for me.... and thats too frightingly obvious...... but i can leave... theres nothing i can do...

one word./...... NIEVE!!!!!!!


duh!! caz u idiot... he doesnt like u, he doesnt even find you attractive your just easy and its the best your goin to get..... he want a no strings attached... but in feel like a stupid fucking whore, cus thats all im going to ever be... i dont think i can take the lack of love for me at the moment.... ive cut way 2 much recently.....

just everyone stay away from me for a bit, im weak and im out of control,... and please dont ask me how i got the huge cut across my face, because you probably already know. i cant stop myself. so i wont talk, i havent been sleeping and am snappy and i dont want to say anything horrible to anyone.
want to crawl into a lil hole... and wait till everything is ok again and im away from this place in my mind.

misforune comes, misfortune goes.
Misfortune fades, misfortune grows.
it wells inside to an extent no one knows.
For i am of my own, on my own
because i deny to myself that i am alone.
For i am just a girl, eager and willing,
even though through it i stare at the ceiling.
This guy in my bed does he know me,
does he have enough knowledge to show me,
who i am?
do i even know who i am?

Misfortunes comes, misfortune stays
misfortune comes in many ways
awake at night, thinking what have i done,
all i wanted was a bit of fun.
Now i have abused myself
put my emotions on a high self,
where they cant be touched
where i cant be touched
because i know no bodu cares
who i am
do i even know who i am?

I sit in the corner, hearing the words
about me and my habits around those,
who want me for who i am, as it seems
but in my dreams,
i am someone else
someone strong someone sweet,
an innocent girl wanting to be swept of her feet.
thats really who i am

But as i lie awake,
knowing all my self esteem is fake.
This stranger lying beside me
doesnt know me, on the contary,
he thinks this means nothing to me
that there is nothing to see.
if only he tried to look,
he would find the real me,
who i am

I climb out of bed and slip away
now its just another day.
For tomorrow will be just the same,
wake up with someone,
doesnt know my name,
let alone who i am
do i even know who i am.

All i know is this is not me.
theres more to me than this.
Who am i?

what i see,
forever memory.
What i do,
and how i lie
is this part of me?
i must decide.
For i am me,
and only i can see,
the real me.

Once i loved,
and then i lost,
for a moment happy,
at what cost?
i must distrust,
or i'm forever lost.

Once i tried,
but then i failed,
chased my tail,
once more its time,
to set sail
Far far away from here,
its whats good for me.
Never more to be near,
to the life, created by fear.

predestined


nothing excites me,
mundayne, restless,bored.
I need a pick me up,
i need a bit more luck.
for everything around me i despise,
the jealousy, the distaste, the lies.
nothing excites me,
everything makes me wonder why.
is it only for me, for me to decide?
i need a pick me up,
and not to remember the night before.
that way it's not another thing to get me down
and i cant think about the ways in which im a whore.


Im the girl, takes another toke,
passes out in a room full of smoke.
the one who has no self repect,
the one who takes anything she can get.
Because im 17 and my emotions dont matter.
does he like me? are my thighs getting fatter?
she doesnt know about the pitter patter
of tiny feet, feet she has made,
because all she wanted was to get laid.


i look back at that girl,
she was only 17.
she lived life to the full,
but sex drugs and rock and roll,
took their toll.
Because nobody loves her, understands
all this girl wants is a nice and proper guy.
and all she finds is herself asking why?
as she cries and cries, and dies inside,
as something else grows,
grows from her recklessness
she was only 17,
and thats how she wrecked life for me
because that girl was anything but me.


Mundayne, restless, bored
i need a pick me up
because im the whore,
and im out of luck
because i dont remember the night before
because i dont want to be the mother,
the mother of a baby whos father
she never saw.
But its ok... drink another vodka,
im not a whore,
its not ever happened before
so why not?
im 17,
its ok.