am in a transition mode.. am not wuite sure if i feel happy or sad, and if this weekend is going to turn out good or not so good.... got another ear piercing today ive got 10 piercings all together, im catching up will, slowly!!! This is not how i should be spending my friday nite...

as things havent got ne better in my family (ANTI DEPRESSENT ARE A BATARD!!) i have submerged myself i a myst of art and ceramics coursework... well maybe not submerged just floating ontop of it maybe. There are a few things... or i spose i should say people helping me through this... otherwise i feel i mite have already relapsed into my old yr 10 self.... the agnsty, sad kinda quiet scared little girl i used to be. I feel i am always thanking the same people but i cant help it to make them realise their support, companionship... and just their presence is so much apreciated and most of all welcomed. my fiends you have brought me out the last few years and help me become the real, sarcastic loud.occasionally abusive me... thankyou all.... beccy,amy,jenny,esther,sarah,emma,janet,laura, all you guy love ya mwah!! and will.... u may not know it but u have changed me... in a good way of course i used to feel like i wasnt ever good enough for anyone and no body could ever love me for who i am and look past the hard, spikey shell that is my appearance.... and im so glad u did cause im really falling 4 u.... and u make me so happy *smiles* so for me life is good... but only for the fear of it crashing down again back to where it was... and my family is majorly screwed up but they cant make me screwed up, because i am my own person... and i know i can always step back from that mess that is a group of my relations.. and look for my friends and my boyfriend to make me forget about everything...... i know this has been yet another pretentious misspelt rant but it is good to finally thank everyone in full.... for all those mentioned have pciked me up again and again from what ever mess ive sunk myself into... and without them i dont know if id even be here.....

wow the shits goin down in my family... i shudnt really say anything.. but something serious is happening. My step dads talking his company to court cause hes being intimnidated and made to do stuff he cant cause of his disabilities... and some other horrible stuff and now he is afraid to go to work and has been diagnosed with severe angsiety and depression...... great just fucking great... managed to get out of this parents evening thing... but my mum and dad hate eachother so much they couldnt evn talk 2 my fuckin tutor at the same time... makes me feel like a rite idiot....... plus i think my nose piercing is infected....... think wednesday............ keep thinkin bout wednesday will all be ok......

wednesday was a amzing... but this is friday and things are crap i feel ill and have a great weekend at my dads.... hes in a bad mood at me due tom certain circumstances..... bah! nastyness plus probably wont get to c will all weekend... school is really starting to piss me off... polus my headphones have just broken.. am at west in my design lesson and i have to walk all the way home in the rain bah lifes a bitch sum times byez xx

my eldest step sister just phoned and apoligised to everyone... which is weird since she hasnt spoken to ne1 in the last 8 munths moved away to live with her mum (who no1 else talks 2 cause shes a money pinchin bitch) told her all bout us and our personal life....didnt ask me bout my exams...... or nethin... and she stole loads of our stuff b4 she left.... and she just phoned up and apoligised..... he sounded as if she was forcing herself... i think she wants somethin.... y is my family so screwed up??

hmmm todays been kinda crap soo much work and ive had a crappy headache all day bleah!!! that is my thought for today cant be arsed to do nethin...... oh well wed tomorrow get 2 c will woho!

bah have loads of art and english bloody homework!!!! plus my parents are being annoying again... but wait they actually sed yes yto me going out new years eve.....!!!!!! sooo great considering ;last new yrs eve was sepnt playing trivial persuit with my step mums parents.... and at midnight sitting outside on my won in this boring little village my dad lives in in the middle of the knowhere... and at midnite iwatching some distant fireworks.... drinking the only alcohol available to me ...... alchopops!!! so u can see y im soo happy..... seeing as last yr i missed out on the most amazing party at amys.... ah well this yr will be different.... ans everything this year has been different... in a good way that is.... u all know why by now......
woho! nearly wed!.....

hey hey people1 im back im strangly tanned and in a better mood............. so thats all good.... am also wooryingly looking forward to sixth form... hey i just get to do art and english all day!!!! will c most of u results da horribly drunk ........ byezxx

i am such a fool.... was looking at a certain sum1's diary on another site and saw an entry about a yr old, it was so like what happened with me and him that i nearly cried.....i was just another young girl to him.....everything he said about her was nothing dissimilar to me..... i was nothing special to him, and i did stupid things, im such slut..he really did convince me i could be happy with him...... pulled the wool over my eyes as everyone does..... cause im so easily used..... ill never be special to neone... im just stupid and fat and ugly...... my step mum told me i was over weight yesterday and havent eaten since... am really dreading wearing a bikini on holiday im going to look like an idiot as i always do..... why cant things work rite for me??? Am cutting again.... sorry everyone but im just in such an awful state of mind , nobody will ever love me in the way i so much crave.im fat and ugly neway y the hell cant i? it wont make ne difference.nobody cares enuff to notice neway... ha! my family dont know me well enuf to even notice...... and im not going to councilling again....... im going to jamaica very early tuesday morning and i hope it can put me in a better mood cause at this moment in time i feel like crying my eyes out........................ no wait am crying my eyes out. Am listening to sad music all on my own at my dads feeling like apsolute shit......... if only this certain person knew how hes made me feel..... no1 should have to feel like this.......i did really fall for him....... will have to wear my sweat band on holiday... dont want my parents to find out this is happening again.... its not their fault and i want them to think im happy for them at their wedding...........if it wasnt for my family and freinds (and i know i have the best of friends neboy could ever hop for)i dont know what id do........ welll i do and it would involve being stereotypically teenagery and ending life early...... sounds stupid i know but thats how i feel......... sorry bout this rant but i feel it nessesary..........neway adieu better stop crying before my parents get back.........cu all wen i get back..............................if i do............................