Mood: blah
music: none (At school) grrr
time: 10:17 am

I hate school sooo much. Especially when I just got back from the holidays. My bed was so warm, I didn't want to get up, in fact I got up at 6:30 rather than six. That snooze button was lookin awful friendly if you know what I mean. course a gun would look really friendly to my head at the moment. I hate school!

anyways. The holidays were nice. I went to my brother's house. And I acctually had a good time. I think we are back to normal again. I feel bad for calling him all those names. He really is a good guy and really wants what's best for me. But, I still wish he wouldhave talked to me before he went and told my parants. But things are good now.

Me and Waylon have been going out for 2 weeks and 3 days now. It's been great. Really. it just feels right. I can't really explain how I feel right now. I just know that it's a good feeling. I'm not use to that.

ya, that's pretty much it for now. peace out.

Mood: very excited
Song: Got the time by antrax
time: 2:12

Today I am going to see waylon for the first time in like...5 days. I miss him alot. Doesn't make much sence does it. anyways.......that's about it. to happy to write. I write better when I'm emotionally distrot. lol peace out

Mood: Paranoid
Song: (morning tv, fox and friends)
Time: 7:15 am

WEll, I am beginning to care about Waylon alot. A whole lot. Which is wierd cause I don't usually care that much about who I'm with. He's just so sweet. And I know that it's genuin, it's not like just trying to get into my pants sweet. And he hasn't really done anything with any girls but me. Which I like...because it's like he's...unspoiled. New. exc. I'm a little afraid of caring though. Cause, Every time I start to care, something happens to screw things up. I guess me caring is a big turn off for most guys.

Tomorrow I am going to the zoo for a field trip. I know, the ZOO! lol. It's like kindergarden all over again. But at least we get out of school. SCORE! I hate school. As I've stated many many times. But..............yah. um..............can't think of anything else to write about. so I will write later I guess. peace out

Mood: extremely happy
song: Creep radio head(yes again)
Time: 12:30 pm

Well, I got a ticket last night for running a stop sign. grrr. but...I also have a boyfriend now. he's so sweet. Perfect for me really. He's a virgin. He hadn't even really kissed a girl....well...till last night. I kind of had to teach him...but he definately got better towards the end of the night. So even though I got a ticket...this was a great great night.

well... that's about it for now. I'm extrememly tired. and I haven't told my parants about the ticket...that should be fun. heh. oh well. peace out

Mood: sleepy
Song: none: I'm at school grrr
Time:11:52 am

Well, I'm at school right now. It turns out that waylon didn't get to go to riesel with me. He had to baby sit his 5,000 brothers and sisters. heh. it's ok though, cause I will see him today.

I'm so tired. I stayed on the phone with nicole till allmost 1:00 am. And I woke up at 6 am. but on an up note, we do only have a half day at school today which means I get out at noon. Which isn't much of a difference because I get out at 1:45 on normal days because of my credit history exc. but its' still nice

Today is verterins day. And I want to remember the veterens I know. such as Corporl James Allan Casper who died in Iraq, Crew Chief Joshue ------ who has served over seas. Daneil---who is a former member of the U.S. Army, my grandfather who served in the military, and my uncle who also served the in millitary. It's an honor to know and to have known these men.

anyways...yah, I guess that did sound cheesy, but I really am proud of my friends and family. Even if I don't completely agree with the war. I still think they are brave for what they do.

anyways. that's about it for now. peace out

Mood: hopeful
Song: Dancing with myself by Billy Idol
time: 2:13 pm

WEll...Me and Waylon are going to this church thing in riesel today. Which is awesome. I thought we didn't have anything in common, but my friend gave me his number and told me to call him so I did. and it turns out that he's a pretty interesting guy when you get him to talk. lol. He's just a bit shy. But I don't know. I kind of like that. Him not being so sure of himself makes me forget about unsure I am about myself. And he's really sweet. I'm not saying anything's gonna happen, but it would be nice to have a guy like him. Not preasuring you into doing anything exc...that's what I need right now.

I think I will be spending the night in wortham tomorrow. don't know yet, but I'm hoping that will work out because I haven't in so long.

WEll that's about it for now. I will probabbly write more tomorrow. peace out

I love this song and I can very much relate to it. Every time I hear it, it gives me chills.

Here's some facts about the song...In the album version, lead singer Thom Yorke sings, "You're so f--king special." For radio, he recut it as, "You're so very special." Yorke regrets changing the line for the radio version, saying it disturbed the "sentiment of the song." According to him, the song lost its anger as a result.
Yorke says this is about being in love with someone, but not feeling good enough. He describes the feeling as, "There's the beautiful people and then there's the rest of us."


creep: By Radeohead

When you were here before, couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel, your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fuckin special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control
I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice, when I'm not around
You're so fuckin special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin here?
I don't belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh

She's running out again...
She's running out, she runs, runs, runs, runs... runs...

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fuckin special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here

Mood: bored and sleepy
Time: 9:11
song: none except that which is in my head, which is cotton eye joe...dont' ask.

look lyrics!!!

KORN LYRICS

"Alone I Break"

Pick me up
been bleeding too long
Right here, right now
I'll stop it some how

I will make it go away
can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
these feelings will be gone
these feelings will be gone

Now I see the times they change
leaving doesn't seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
where to leave my hurt behind
All this shit I seem to take
all alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?

Shut me off
I am ready,
Heart stops
I stand alone
Can't be on my own

I will make it go away
can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
these feelings will be gone
these feelings will be gone

Now I see the times they change
leaving doesn't seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
where to leave my hurt behind
All this shit I seem to take
all alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?

Am I going to leave this place?
What is it I'm running from?
is there nothing more to come? (am I Gunna leave this place?)
Is it always black in space?
Am I going to take it's place?
Am I going to leave this race? (Am I going to leave this race?)
I guess god's up in this place?
what is it that I've become?
is there something more to come? (more to come)

Now I see the times they change
leaving doesn't seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
where to leave my hurt behind
All this shit I seem to take
all alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man? [X2]

Mood: sleepy
Song: City of Angels by distillers
Time: 6:36am (ya I know)

WEll...it is VERY early for me. I'm exausted. I woke up at 6 to fix my new hair. Well it's not really NEW hair, but anyways...and it ony took 2 seconds and I have nothing to do. I can't lay back down. Cause my hair will like...die. yes. so here I am...

Man I hate school. And I have to go there in an hour and a half. arg. I'm sure that they will have alot to say about my hair considering they have about as much of a life as I do. and that's not saying much. AT ALL!

Me and sarah have been talking about our plans after high school. Her parents are moving to Wisconsin and they aren't selling the house. So we are thinking that we can live there and get our basics done at navarroh and get jobs exc. This would all be awesome if it works out how we want it to. We would also rent out the two extra rooms. But...this probably will not happen. I dont' really even want to go to navarroh, but that would be the cheepest thing. And THAT my friends is what counts. damn it. or to my parents anyways. and there is no way I could pay for college on my own. So I have to submit to there harsh demands. Harsh demands? What harsh demands you might ask? WEll...the harsh demands that I have to stay anywhere near them. My parents that is. That would be torture for anyone. And I have survived for 17 years. grrrr.

anyways...to tired to concentrate. I'm gong to go eat.

Song: closure by chevelle
Mood: bumbed
time: 5:50 pm

Well, I am sad. I don't really know why. Well...I guess I have a bit of an idea. The guy I was kind of hoping to be wiith says that he doesn't want a real binding relationship. And well...I do. But there are many reason why this can't happen. None of which I really get. ...I guess. At least he was honest though. He could have easily said sure lets get together and fuck around behind my back. And he's not a bad guy and i'm not pissed or anything...just a little hurt. Most guys that I have been with only want to mess around and then take off. It apears to me that I'm not worth staying with. It's not just him. It's like...the rest of the male species. I'm eather that big/little sister type or the chick that you mess with and diss...never the GIRLFRIEND type. I sapose. It's just getting old. and...bad habbits are starting to come back.

///bad days by fuel is a f****** good song. ///

anyways...ya....not that anyone acctually reads this...but...never mind...

peace out

Mood: wo
song: none sadly
Time:???

Well, right now I'm at sarah's house. Yesterday was surprisingly fun. Even though we ended up just goofing around, I had a great time. We ended up going to Jack in the box and drank coffee for like 2 hours. It was nice. Even sarah had fun.

I got to see josh again. Which was nice. VERY nice. I swear I like him more and more every time I talk to him. Which I guess is wierd....

I cut all my hair off today. ALL OF IT. It's spikey . yah!!! lol

ya tha's about it peace out.

Mood: Good
Song: Kitty covering Deftones Shove it
Time: 9:34 pm

Well, today was a descent day. I got to go to Jeremy's house for the first time in 2 months. He's still grounded but his mom semi likes me so she let me come over and he made me this awesome cd. YAH! lol.

........not much to write about sadly.........

::I try, and look up, to the sky, but my eyes burn:: ya...awesome song. and even better when kitty sings it. HEll ya. peace out.

Mood: ...a little odd...
Song: Creep by Radiohead....
time: 9:51

::I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul::

This is a freakin awesome song. Anyways. Today I went trick or treating. Fun...I guess. I feel sick...TOO MUCH CANDY AAAAH! lol. I didn't really have a costume, cause I have never been trick or treating before. It's against my parants religion. Not mine though. I had a very odd child hood. No trick or treating, no santa...nothing. There was no magic. My parants saw...see it as evil. I don't ever remember a time when I believed in santa or the tooth fairie or anything. It kind of sucks. I feel like I missed out on being a kid. I was forced to grow up way too soon. Not just becasue of them...but...other things which I don't wish to remember.....anyways....

I am kind of hopeing that Josh will come and see me tomorrow. I don't really think its' going to happen. It being halloween and stuff and him drinking his ass of exc. Not that I'm upset or anything,I would be too if I had the chance, but ....I just want to see him is all.I don't know. I like him and stuff...but...it seems like maybe I like him more than I should. I mean, I don't really know him very well. and I don't think he's looking for anything more than a friend.....no relationship....exc....and usually I don't want any more than that from people either...but....I don't know...this time It's different. I couldn't explain why if I tried. So I won't. And it's wierd. In fact, I'm pretty sure I freak him out a little. ....but ya....that's me I guess. wierdo.

My other friend josh, wants me to go out with this guy named Wayland. He's nice and stuff, but I don't see us goign any where. He's very quiet, nice, not really all that intersting...but I dont know him....soooo...plus, it would be wrong for me to lead him on when I like some one else.

anyways...that's pretty much it for now. I'm a bit sleepy and achy in my stomach....damn candy. It hurts so good! lol peace out

Mood: HAPPY
Song: One love by Bob Marley
Time: 11:20

Well, today was awesome. I went to Beatnix in Waco to see my friend joseph play his gig. It was great. I was so happy. I kind of wanted a certain some one to be there,....but it was allright. I had a great time and good coffee. Coffee rules. Now I'm at Marysa's house. I have to stay here cause my parents went to see my sister in law in the hospital. she has blood clots in her lungs so she is in ICU. So....that sux. but..................guess thats it. peace out

Mood: wired
Song:closer by N.I.N
Time: 2:05 pm

Well, despite the pile of spanish and physics homework; today has been a pretty good day. I got my class ring. And it looks ok. Most of my friends got a crap load of stuff put on theirs, but I only got 3 things. But it's ok. I like it.

Today I have to go to church again. Woo hoo. not. But at least it's the last day. Course I'll have to go sunday, but at least I won't have to go every day any more. It get's pretty tedious after the first 2 hours. ::sighs:: but we get free pizza today so that's a bit of a plus.

It's wierd that I'm so awake and wired right now. I never sleep. Not fully anyways. I think I might have finally fell asleep last night at like 3:30 in the morning. It sux. But maybe I will be able to sleep tonight. doubt it, but anything can happen. .....grrr

I think I'm going to go to jordy's and visit tomorrow. Every time she calls me she seems really depressed. I hate seeing her like that. So...I will go and bug her till she cheers up. lol.

anyways.................ya not much today. peace out

Mood: Pissed
Music: Sound track to Moulin Rouge
Time: 2:38 pm

Well, I hate fake people. Especailly bitches who pretend to be your friend and then treat you like crap when they are around certain people. I have a friend, or I did, that skipped a grade and went on the minimum plan so that she coudl graduate early. So now that she's a senior, she thinks it's perfectly acceptable to treat people, not just me, like shit. I about had to deck her. And I'm not an angry person...usually...I don't know why, but that really pushed my buttons today.

Anyways, ....on a happy note, I jeremy is coming to pick me up so he can burn me a cd. yah! So that's good. course then I have to go to church. grrr. I hate that my parants force religion down my throat. Don't get me wrong. I have a belief, but I don't feel like I should be at the church I am forced to go to. Not only are the people hypocrits, but I feel like I probably know more about the Bible then they do. Which is sad, because they went to school for this stuff. Anyways, I find my self doodling or falling asleep. But, my parents say I have to saport them and their church and I'm terrible person for wanting to go else where. They make me hate church. Which sucks. I don't hate all churches. Just this one. I feel like it's hindering me rather than helping me or enlightening me.

So ya....let's see...anything else? hmmmm...nope can't think of anything peace out.

Mood: bored
Music: Hurt by Johnny Cash
Time: 3:10

randomness::bored::no life::exc

Favortie movies: Edward Scissor hands, LOTR series, Mulin Rouge, Waynes World, Nightmare before christmas, Blow, Legend of sleepy Hollow, Carrie, Robin Hood, Angus, Boondock Saints, Air heads, Braveheart....many more....

Favorite Bands: Korn, Beck, Him, Red hot chili peppers, My chemical Romance, The used, Deftones, Slipknot(Only for the percussion) Live,Incubus, white stripes, also many more...

Favorite songs: Alone I break, Loser,Lost cause, Blue orchid, Dead leaves on the dirty ground, Heart ache every moment, Beautiful, Breaking the girl, Hurt, Digital Bath, Spit it out, Losing my religion, Vermillion, I caught fire, Lightning crashes, drive...aslo many more...

Favorite colors: Black, Purple, Red

Favorite Food: Suchi/Any Oriental food...Dougs and my dad's hot Sauce, pineapple, strawberries, lemons...


Favorite Candy: Goo, Sour Punch, Fun Dip...

Favorite places: Seattle, San Antonio, Corpus Christi, Laguna Park, Caldwell, Austin, anywhere with my friends...

Favorite stores: Hastings, Hot topic, Spencers, Hobby Lobby, Dollar General...

Favorite Cartoon: Aqua teen hunger force, simpsons, south park, ...

Favorite time of year: Fall/Winter

Favorite pass time: Cliff jumping, play and listening to music, driveing, drawing, writing...

What I'm probably wearing: A band t-shirt, jeans, my candy bracelets, glasses, no shoes...cause shoes suck. a smirk...hehhee

Happiest memory: Playing Uno with my brothers when we were younger.

What career choice: If possible a radeo personality.

Favorite time of day: Night...

Favorite number: 13

You aspire....: To be happy and successful, to make others happy. To help people when I can. exc.

well that's all for now. peace out

Mood: happy
Music: Dare by the gorrilaz
time: 2:16

I wrote this about a year ago. it's kind of intersting so I thought I would put it on here. hope you like it. I guess...

My life: by me

I open my eyes and only see darkness. The sun still isn't out. Exhausted, I look up at the ceiling from my soft twin bed and think to myself, "Why? Why God did you curse me with such an early school hour? Why did you curse me in causing Agua teen hunger force to come on at 11:30pm instead of 8:00pm like it use to?" Curses! As I ponder these thoughts, I hear the shrill voice of my mother saying, "Joy! It's 7:30, you're gonna be late!" The voice. I hate the voice! The voice she uses when she's slightly panicked and in a hurry. It's like nails screeching across a blackboard.

I put my feet on the cold menacing ground. Shivers run up my spine. I stand and fall back on the bed convincing myself that I couldn't possibly go on. I stand again, take one step, and trip over my tinny shoes that I had left on the floor the night before. STupid shoes. They are out to get me, just like the rest of the world. I like face down on the carpet and wonder, "What if I just stayed here all day? Would they come looking for me? Maybe if I stay completely still; they won't see me." As I fall in and out of consciousness, I hear my mother call once again, "Joy! Get up now! You have Tutorials!" She was constantly reminding me of how much of an underachiever I was. "Five more minits!" I scream from the floor. I get up and go to the bathroom. No matter where I am or what I drink of dont' drink, it seems like I always have to pee in the morning. Especially on those cold days when you don't want to get out of bed.

After relieving myself; I look in the mirror. "Bleck, look at those bags, and the ZITS!!! It's like night of the living dead in here. Oh well, not much different from yesterday."

I grab a pop tart and jump in the car in a rush. "Didn't want to be late for tutorials", I think sarcastically. Half way down the road I realize: Hey! it's a bit drafty in here," look down and notice that I'm still in my pajamas! ::sighs:: this owuld only happen to me! I quickly speed home and grab some pants off the floor, smell them to make sure they dont' stink, and put them on. I wore them yesterday, but no one will notice. No one ever notices me. I would wear a big hat that says, "I lick chicken nuts!" And no one would even flinch.

I go to school. I walk into the hallway and the bell rings. "Crap! Late again, but wait, it's only 7:52!" I look down at my watch and realize; "Hey my watch is ten minits slow! "Goody..." I say sarcastically. Sarcasm is my only friend. Without it...well...that would just suck.

I walk into class. "Your late Ms. Holder" Says Mr. Daniels. I debate in my mind weather to correct him that my name was Holden and not Holder, but what's the point? He'll just say the same thing tomorrow. "Do you have a not?" He says with a raise of his eyebrow. "Um....no.....but....my gold fish died?" "Hahaha very funny Ms. Holder. Please take your seat." He says. "But my name is...never mind."

Mr. Daniel goes on and on about cows reproductive organs. I wasn't really listening. I hate Ag. All it is a bunch or red necks talking about how many beers they had the night beforeand scratching themselves inappropriately. I can't believe this stupid class is required! Damn educational system.

The rest of my classes are kind of a blur. All I hear is blah blah William Shakespeare, blah blah A squared plus B squared, blah Joy wake up, Blah you're sitting on my jacket blah. Then we come to eighth period jAthletics. My God, if this is hell, kill me now! I have never been the athletic type. I am short. About 5 foot 2 with stubby little legs. "It's running time" Ms. Chrisner says with an evil smirk on her face. "Bleachers too" She says with a chuckle. A silent scream fills my head. "Noooooooo!!!" And I'm off. Running at a comfortable pace. Not too fast and not too slow. Course, this pace is close to walking for most of the girls in my class. I started well towards the middle of the pack of sweaty girls. Slowly but surely I end up dead last. Huffing and puffing we come to the end. "Ok girls, it's time to stretch those quads," Say's Coach C. "Finally, feuw, so glad it's over." "Oh and after that; 15 Bleachers!" "Noooooooooo! for the love of God no!" A little bit of me died that day as I looked up those evil bleachers. Oh how I hate them. Looking up those bleachers was like looking up mount Alympus.

After finishing the bleachers from hell, I drag myself, or what was left of myself, home. I crawl in the front door, which I had to pick open with a screw driver because I forgot my key, crawled to the couch, and collapsed. I flip on the toob and look to see if Aqua teen hunger force by some luck might come on sooner. No such luck. Damn. I watch the telephone in hopes that Zach, my boyfriend, or hell ANYONE would call. The phone remains silent and motionless. I like Zach a lot, but I dont' really know if the feeling is mutual. j

::3 days later he dumps me::

I get on yahoo messenger. I have a grand total of maybe 7 people on my buddy list. Three are family memebers and four I met in a chat room which I prefer because they can't see my zombie like face. No one is ever on.

I walk to my room, flip on the radio and crawl under the covers of my soft twin bed. I think of how I have to do it all again tomorrow. This has been another fun filled episode of the life of me. Depressing? Yes. Strange? Definately. Morbid and Sad? Completely, but ::sighs:: it's my life.

the end

Random quotes that I find amusing...

"I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore" -Network

"Death becomes her" -Emily Dickenson

"The time has come the Walrus said, to speak of other things, of shoes and ships and ceiling wax, and cabages and kings" -The Walrus and the Carpenter

"Love is like oxygen, love is a many spendid thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all we need is love" -Mulin Rouge

"Am I part of the cure, or am I part of the disease" -Coldplay

"Get your F*****G rope!" -Boondock Saints

"What we do every night pinky, try to take over the world!" -Brain from Pinky and the Brain

We just flew in from Los Angeles, and boy are our arms tired." -Bill Austin

"Here's lookin at you kid" -Casa blanca

"What is hateful to you, do not do to another. That is the whole of Law, all else is commentary." -Rabbi Hillel

"All day I dream about sex yes all day I dream about sex..." -Johnathon davis from Korn

"One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. -Bob Marley

"A brother may not be a friend, but a friend will always be a brother." - Ben Franklin

"A beautiful thing is never perfect." - Egyptian (on beauty)

"Dead men tell no tales." - J. Wilson

"I never wanted to be famous, I just wanted to be great" -Ray Charles

"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, and then they fight you, and then you win." -Mahatma Ghandi

"The Keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities." -Sophocles

well that's it for now, I just found these to be really interesting especially if you look at some of these people's backrounds. yes I have no life. 

Mood: Pensive
Music: I want to be sedated by the ramones
time: 6:05 pm

Well I went cliff jumping yesterday. It was a lot of fun. It was freezing though. I got sick. I've been laying in my bed all day. It sux. I hate being sick. I feel so week and helpless. I hate not being in control of my own body even when it comes to physical health. But, it was very much worth it. This will probably be the last time I go till next summer. grrr

I have to start school again tomorrow. I go to a year around school which means we have 2 week breaks periodically through out the year. I really do want to go back. I hate it. Back to the oh so bitchy, terribly trendy preps who think that their whole gole in life is to get laid as many times as possible with out getting caught or pregnant and then brag about their whory life styles to the rest of the world. Not to mention they hate me cause I'm not afraid to tell them off, and I do so many times a day. lol. Hey, maybe I will have fun tomorrow. lol.

Anyways...that's pretty much all that's on my mind today. peace out

Mood: a bit depressed
Music: some song by the gorrilaz, dont know the name...there's a big head in the video....anyways...
time: 12:38 pm

Well, I just woke up about an hour ago. Me and marysa stayed up all night talking about stuff till like 3 in the morning. I still pretty tired.

I kind of think that I get my hopes up to easily. Certain things have been happening lately that make me wish I wasn't as stand offish as I am. Because of my past, I'm a little afraid to get close to a person. Especially a person of the opposite sex. Only a few know everything about my past. Like Marysa and josh for instance. So they are kind of worried. But, I don't even know if I or they have anything to worry about now. But....I guess we will see...
Vague yes...that's how I like it.

Today, I have to take Marysa home and we have decided to jump in the lake even though the water is freezing. It's going to be great. brrr. hehehe.

anyways, that's pretty much it for today. peace out