i'm lost in my own confusion....and i dont know how to make it better....

i have been having a great fucking spring break......i have spent the last two days with casey,which is always kick ass.....i love that little korean girl.....well.....um, lets see yesterday john and kristi and ed came over and we got kinda....well ok REALLY fucked up........and that lead up to mad passionate sex in the back seat of a very small car.......leaving me with bruises all over my knees.....and back.....oh well....lifes good and i'm happy and thats all i care about right now....is friends and john.....and....just being able to say "fuck it" and have fun damn it !!!! i'm 16 i'm supposed to save the worries for when i'm actually old enough to have grey hairs fucking-A!!!!!
heh heh...well, anywho......it's 12 in the morning.....me and casey are getting back into our regular clothes...i dont think we moved 2 feet today......but we gotta get ready for john and aaron and ed and a few other people.....to come over......heh heh.....i like intoxicating things....and it makes me feel like a hypocrite cuz i always said i would never do it....but.....i did....and it makes me feel kinda guilty to say.....that i LOVED IT....well, i'll catch up later....i love you guys....later,....

[♥If you REALLY LIKE SOMEONE right now AND MISS THEM and can't get them out of your head then re-post this within 1 mintute and whoever you are missing will surprise you.♥]

it's gonna suck...not the actual move to austin but the fac that i could run into soemone who probablly really doesnt wanna see me any time soon....or...ever for that matter....is gonna be really awkward....oh well, it's not really that big of a deal.....we'll just have to be mature and get over it......and pretend we dont knwo eachother if need be.....it's weird...the kid is probablly moving to austin to get away from people like me...and here i go .....only 6 months after with my boyfriend.....to the same city.....sucks to be him....heh heh.....and no incase anyones wondering....i'm not stalking anyone....it's a coinsidence.....that i can help but laugh at.....heh heh

heh well.....on friday it will be one month for me and john...i have found nothing about him that i dont like...he's a great person and he's a sweetheart....he's HONEST which is a good thing....something most guys arent...but yeah, i'm actually happy, i never thought i'd be this way again.....but um, yeah, it's strange how i have only known him about a month and a half....and it feels like i've known him my whole life....it's great, he finds a way to make me smile no matter what.....he's my baby, and i love so much!!! *giddy happy smile*

tee hee...so for the next week i'm living at caseys' me and my mom got into a fight and i left.....blah....so tonight my baby , john is comign over here....yeah i thought it was time to make different memories so i can actually walk outside of caseys house and NOT cringe when i look up and see the shed......i hate that shed......

that fucker has some fucking nerve........he's lying......to TWO girls right now.....and neither of them would be willing to help themselves........and neither would he.....shows how much he cares....about either of them.....or how much he ever cared about me.......he's such an asshole.......was i really THAT pathetic at one time...?i feel sorry for them....but even more so for him he'll never be happy treating people like this...like trading cards.....it's disgusting

heh heh....i was at caseys and john and jack came over and we were all sooo tired and delirious it was funny as hell.....neither of them left until 3:00 AM......it was fun stuff......just because it was awesome hanging out with them, :)

i dont get it....i dont know what the hell is going on.....i dont know hwy he insisted on lying...but hey.....his choice......i mean...cecy's right....it IS his life.....but why lie to me?.....and try to tell me one thing and do another.....in the process.....it makes me feel like i never meant anything to him....who knows...maybe i didnt.....i just wish the feeling was mutual.....but it's not....i care about him....i ONLY EVER ASKED FOR HONESTY AND SIMPLE STUFF EVERYONE WANTS FROM SOMEONE........we'll see....so far he's not speaking to me....again....it's weird that he always stops talking to me when he gets pissed about something.....once again i dont get it....i've stopped trying to understand.....

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"

You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

[chorus]
Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
Shudder deep and cry out:
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"

[chorus]

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
And wake without you there,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...

[chorus]

i am happy i found the HIM video...join me....fo rmy vamp freaks account cuz elftown wont let you put videos on your profiles....oh well...:)

[this is me saving the guys a lot of trouble n hassal lol]
[12 Ways To Get To A Girls Heart]
1. Hugs her from behind.
2. Grab her hand when you guys walk next to each other.
3. When standing, wrap your arms around her.
4. Cuddle with her.
5. Dont force her to do ANYTHING!
6. Write little notes.
7. Compliment her.
8. When you hug her, hold her in your arms as long as possible.
9. Say I love you.....and MEAN IT!
10. Brush the hair out of her eyes
11. Comfort her when she cries.
12. Love her with all your heart Girls- Repost this if you think its sweet. Guys- Repost this if you would do any of it

matchbook romance~promise

What would you say, if i asked you not to go?- To forget everyone, forget everything, and start over with me?
would you take my hand, and never let me go?-promise me you'll never let me go!! And now the stars arent out tonight, but neither are we to look up at them. why does hello feel like goodbye?

These memories cant replace these wishes i've wished and dreams i've chased. well take this broken heart and make it right!!

*I feel like, I've lost everything when you're gone. Left remembering what its like to have you here with me. I thought you should know, you're not making this easy.

I never thought i'd be the one to say. "Please dont...well please dont leave me!!"

*I feel like i've lost everything when you're gone. Left remembering what it's like, to have you here with me. I thought you should know- you're not making this easy.
     -you're not making this easy-

Take my hand and never let me go -take my hand and never let me go-Promise you'll never let go!!- never let go, never let go- you'll never go.....

*I feel like i've lost everything when you're gone, left remembering whats its like to have you here with me. I thought you should know. you're not making this easy.--you're not making this easy.

  -I'll fall asleep tonight because that brings me closer to you.....

seether~never leave

Will I fall again into dismay?
Will I be ashamed of crying?
And I know it's never been the way that I described
But I am afraid of trying
She's the one who keeps me all excited
She keeps me begging for more
She's the one who deems me uninvited
Now it's over

Never leave me, and don't deceive me
I'll keep on crawling my friend
Never tease me and don't leave me here
It's all the same in the end

Now I find that I am weaker fake
That I am ashamed of lying
And I know things never feel the way that's right inside
And I am afraid of dying
'Cause you're the one who keeps me all excited
You keep me begging for more
You're the one who keeps me uninvited
Now it's over
Never leave me, and don't deceive me
I'll keep on crawling my friend
It's only a symbol you're got me falling away
And I am afraid
Take back what I said
It's all the same in the end
It's all the same in the end
It's all the same in the end
It's only a symbol

freedom is 6 feet under

When you leave me behind in the world of the dead,
you think i'll give up, but all that i can see is red.
I conquer pain with pain- I dont feel or show fear.
I watch the blade on my skin- I will not shead a tear.
I watch the blood surface up-like the hate from which i thrive.
Watching the razor strike and slice- I've never felt so alive.
The sky has turned black, and the moon glows, pale.
You think you've beaten me, but I know I will not fail.
I've met my goal and you've helped me, and you dont know why.
Beacause you were trying to make me low and my goal was to die.
I'm pale, I'm weak, I'm so happy I could cry-
Death cares for me, it cradles me, it taught me how to fly.
You thought you were ready for what you had done.
But your guilt and your shock, make it all twice as fun.
As my life slowly fades, you're the last on my mind.
You'll be shocked tomorrow, guess what you will find!
My cold lifeless body, waiting for you with a grin.
My happiness and blood dripping,how could this be a sin?
You think my life was miserable, well, maybe that was true.
But now, so is yours, back-stabber, my final message is "Fuck you!"

~yes, i can be a VERY bitter child....

Your pretty lies were worth the pain that i go through every day. But why did you toss me a razor as you turned to walk away?

You knew i would be punished. I know the error in my ways. I'll remember you face, with that evil grin that i loved until the end of my days.

Your face is a constant memory,it refuses to go or fade. And in truth, I don't want it to, the priced love demands has been payed.

I am a tortured spirit, a wraith, without a heart or soul. They disappeared when you did, and those aren't the only things you stole.

You took my ability to love, you took my smile and my life. What you gave me in return was nothing, but tears memories and strife.

My loyalty never would've faultered. And my love never would break. You said you loved me, that you always would. Was it all just a fake?

I believed when you told me you loved me,I believed when you promised forever. I made you swear you weren't lying and your instant response was "never".

I used to listen to your heart beat.I allowed it to soothe me to sleep. Now the gates to your heart are closed to me,
I sit outside them and continue to weep.

You look down on me with that evil grin and the knife behind your back. Your loving embrace, morphed into a bloody attack.

Now i sit here weak and bleeding,with about a minute or less. You look at me, still smiling, too nervous to clean up your own mess.

As my last breath escapes my lips, and my strength is failing too. I look up and smile, and all i want you to remember is how much i still love you.