I messed up my philosophy test today... I mean, it went completely wrong... I couldn't remember anything.
The things I had studied weren't in it.... agh...


So i'm rather mad at myself at the moment due to that.

I wish the tide would just come and sink me...

just something that [Morningstar Rising] did for me. thank you.








the original picture can be found from the adventures...  ----> heidi's adventures

I'm never enough...

"With so much love around you
I just wish you'd love youself"

What can i say about me...
Always with head up in the clouds...

"I am open-minded enough to listen to your opinions, humble enough to admit when I am wrong, but not quite stupid enough to argue with a fool." - [Steel Mal'ak]



"God made me an atheist. Who are you to question his wisdom?" - Unknown

"We have NO PROOF that such a "God" existed besides a crumby book that's been changed, altered, and re-written over THOUSANDS OF YEARS!!!" - [Whiskers], Whiskers' rants

"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet." - Napoleon Bonaparte

"An Atheist believes that a hospital should be built instead of a church. An Atheist believes that deed must be done instead of a prayer said. An Atheist strives for involvement in life and not escape into death. He wants disease conquered, poverty vanished, war eliminated."
-Madalyn Murray O'Hair

"It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand." - Mark Twain

"I acted alone on God’s orders." ― Yigal Amir, assassin of Yitzak Rabin

"If anyone can show me, and prove to me, that I am wrong in thought or deed, I will gladly change. I seek the truth, which never yet hurt anybody. It is only persistence in self‐delusion and ignorance which does harm." ― Marcus Aurelius





"As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically reproduce children; therefore, they must recruit our children." ― Anita Bryant, 1977


"An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support." ― John Buchan (1875‐1940) British author, statesman





"No, I don’t know that Atheists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered as patriots. This is one nation under God."
― George Bush



"It’s hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning." ― Calvin, in Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Waterson

"Mom and dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it." ― Calvin and Hobbes



"A one sentence definition of mythology?Mythology is what we call someone else’s religion." ― Joseph Campbell


"And what if we've picked the wrong religion? Every week we're just making God madder and madder?" - Homer Simpson, Simpsons


"The Bible is one of the most genocidal books in history." ― Noam Chomsky


"Many good souls protest against a destructive criticism of Christianity and demand a substitute. I do not feel any obligation to substitute a new god for the old ones. I should gladly let them all go. I do not approve of cancer, and yet I do not feel that I have no right to attack a quack who promises a false cure until I have no real cure to propose. As someone said: he who helps destroy the boll‐weevil has done as constructive work as he who plants the seed." ― Rupert Hughes, Why I Quit Going to Church


"Many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view." ― Ben Kenobi, in Star Wars by George Lucas


"Xtian (at crucifixion): <snif> It’s a shame he has to die
Jesus (shouting from cross): Well maybe I wouldn’t have to die if somebody would get a LADDER and a pair of PLIERS!!
 ― Kinison



"Belief means not wanting to know what is true." ― Friedrich Nietzsche, in The Anti‐Christ


"All religion, my friend, is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry." ― Edgar Allan Poe


"The name of Christ has caused more persecutions, wars, and miseries than any other name has caused." ― John E. Remsburg, The Christ (1910)




" … A socialist, anti‐family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."  ― Pat Robertson, on feminism



" Many of those people involved in Adolf Hitler were Satanists, many were homosexuals—the two things seem to go together." ― Pat Robertson



"It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal‐biased media and the homosexuals who want to destroy all Christians."  ― Pat Robertson



"You say you’re supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense. I don’t have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist."  ― Pat Robertson



"They said God was on high and he controlled the world and therefore we must pray against Satan. Well, if God controls the world, he controls Satan. For me, religion was full of misstatements and reaches of logic that I just couldn’t agree with."  ― Gene Roddenberry


"Those of us who believe in the right of any human being to belong to whatever church he sees fit, and to worship God in his own way, cannot be accused of prejudice when we do not want to see public education connected with religious control of the schools, which are paid for by taxpayers’ money." ― Eleanor Roosevelt



"It is an interesting and demonstrable fact, that all children are atheists and were religion not inculcated into their minds, they would remain so."  ― Ernestine Rose



" I do not need the idea of God to explain the world I live in." ― Salman Rushdie



"God in His law requires the death penalty for homosexuals." ― R.J. Rushdoony

" All religions begin with a revolt against morality, and perish when morality conquers them."  ― George Bernard Shaw


" It is not disbelief that is dangerous to our society; it is belief."  ― George Bernard Shaw

"Beware of the man whose God is in the skies."  ― George Bernard Shaw




" All great truths begin as blasphemies." ― George Bernard Shaw, in "Annajanska"


"The same means that have supported every other popular belief, have supported Christianity. War, imprisonment, assassination, and falsehood: deeds of unexampled and incomparable atrocity have made it what it is." ― Percy Bysshe Shelley, in Notes to Queen Mab"



"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good blaster at your side."  ― Han Solo, in "Star Wars" by George Lucas


"I do not concern myself with gods and spirits either good or evil nor do I serve any."  ― Lao Tse


" To be an atheist requires strength of mind and goodness of heart found in not one of a thousand." ― Samuel Coleridge


" My best advice to anyone who wants to raise a happy, mentally healthy child is: keep him or her as far away from a church as you can."  ― Frank Zappa







http://www.helsinki.fi/~ssyreeni/quotes/quotes-c-06

“Aerodynamically, the Bumble Bee should not be able to fly.
However the Bumble Bee does not know this,
so it carries on flying anyway.”
 --- Terry Pratchett


hehh.. wonderful.

yesterday afternoon I went to see my grandmother at the hospital of Meilahti...


my father and Milka were talking about paying the rent of her apartment.. .

and all i could think about was
"paying rent reminds me of death.
paying rent reminds me of death.
paying rent reminds me of death.
paying rent reminds me of death.
paying rent reminds me of death.
paying rent reminds me of death."

i just kept repeating that in my head...


hmm. sometimes i scare myself.

My grandmother is at the hospital.

I'm not sure what she has... Is it cancer again??

yesterday wasn't the best of days... i felt like crying most of the time.. Somehow i didn't- i don't know how i didnät just fall apart to the floor and just start crying...

she's at the hospital of Meilahti, on the 17th floor. in the isolation wing.
i'm so worried about her... *sighs sadly*

i watched her eat. and apparently it the first time she ate with no difficulties... without puking....
So that's something. at least. to be thankful of.

i wasn't able to get a clear answer from my father about what she has... i asked him if it's cancer again... (she started smoking as a teenager and when she was 26 i think she got breath cancer... And her left breast was removed then. Now, years later...  and she hasn't smoked since.)  My father just kept avoiding the answering... like he always does.  

and my mom said that it might be anemia.. the nurse said something about "low white cell levels" or i don't know if i heard it right...

and Janne had went to see her as well, and he had called mom who told me that Milka had had some breathing difficulties. apparently that was the reason she was snet there. So i guess some of the mystery is solved. I'm a bit less worried... And Janne said to mom who told me that she has to be in the hospital for the next 3 weeks.
And my aunt Tuula is on some hopsital as well. at Laakso, I think. I should go see her. She was sent there again because of her legs. She had this accident during this summer at our summer cottage/cabin (whatever the proper word is). You see, Tuula is absolutely terrified of dogs. Especially the really jumpy ones who bark a lot and are scare. (She isn't afraid of Pete since he hardly ever barks at all) So anyways, we have this neighbour who has this dog who's just terrifying. And there's this fence in between of our and our neighbour's house, But then there's this forest behind the fence, so the fence doesn't really separete itself from the background. And Tuula doesn't have the bests of sights...
So she got really scared of the idiot dog of our neighbours this summer and she locked herself in the sauna room (he lives right next to the sauna, in the next room. whiles my father, me and Milka sleep in the actually house/cottage/whatever you call it. ) And we have told that idiot neighbout countlessly that he can't let his dog run loose like that since Tuula's so scared of him. But neighbour is so "Ohh he can't hurt her! There's a fence!" Argh!! Ohh how I hate him.

well anyway.. things happened and Tuula got scared of the dog and the she fell the ground, and having bad legs already that didn't really help... so long story short, she went to bed after getteing her better... and then at the morning, she was bleeding. and her ebing quite overweight, my father broke his back while carrying her from sauna to outside, and the ambulance came some time after.,,., And now. she's been on and off from hospitals... havig to use this rollator thing... i don't know how long it will take her to start walking again...


my apologies, i know there are alot of typos. i just wrote that in a hurry. and i'm so tired to fix them right now...

Heidi, stop thinking about that.

Just
forget it.

Oh what a weekend I've had... what a Vappu.
(edit: I have been informed that Vappu means "Labor Day". So there! Finally I found out what it means in English. But it has a completely different meaning.. See, Finns usually just get drunk and celebrate heavily their graduatation from school. And I don't know what's the meaning of "Labor Day" that other countries have then..... O.o Anyone know anything?)

I just want to rant about everything that happened. But I'll do it later.
I'll edit this later so if you're intested, come and check if i have updated my diary then..


So during this weekend, i have felt happy, and then miserable... and then tired..
I have slept too little, and had troubles sleeping. I have slepit till 5 pm as well... >o<
I have debated about music, ridiculous over-nudity in Hollywood movies, Britney Spears' lack of acting skills, America's 'police of the world' attitude, "war on terrorism", prejudices about Sweden :p hehh hehe, materialism, homophobia, DEEPLY RELIGIOUS PEOPLE (morelike, whined, not debated...), intolerance, pizza...


Blahh.. My feet are numb from walking so much.
I always forget how crazy it gets here during Vappu every year.

The traffic has been insane the past weekend. and i just came from in front of the President's Castle where was a huge Jesus parade. Just a long line of religious people singing "i believe in Jesus"..... i mean... *blows fume, infuriated*

Unless I'm misinformed, Vappu is a non-religious holiday. Why the parade then? Why today?
I mean, they just... ARG!!!

Vappu is celebrated because high school graduates go around the town with their white graduation hats on and drink lots of alcohol and celebrate...
IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH RELIGION.


Stupid idiots.


i laughed so hard when I saw those banners they had.

I took pictures of them also. i'll add them under this entry later... once i get my batteries charged first since they went dead in the middle of everything...


i kept thinking when i walked through the huge crowd that 'If only I had a shirt that had the text ATHEIST' in it, but no... :(
Hmm, I need to get that. *thinks where that shirt could be sold* hmmm...




And Ina's moving to live with his father Friday to Sipoo (it's like 2 hours away from Helsinki) so my social life will lose its shine now. :(
Once again, i'll just be the same nerd-wannabe locked in my room 24/7, spending my life on my computer....

Well we'll meet at school. but it's no the same.
Hmpph. why does she have to move there? just when i find a new friend, she has to move HOURS away...
and the bus trip is 5, 80 euros. so.. *shows her wallet pockects which have only 20 cent coins*
Now I'm a busy highschool student, i don't have that much money...



stupid. i'm on a really 'piss off'-mood. i'm not very friendly right now.
so talk to me with caution.



and mom and Kari are going to Greece on the 6th.. so i'll be home alone for a week...
great. i'll have to call Mari and tell her to come check if i'm still alive some day...


so this should be all for now. i'm going back to ina's in few hours.
i don't have much money.. i shouldn't have wasted my money like that yesterday.
and i'll write about my rants about blahh everything later. see you tomorrow i hope, i won't be here today.

tomorrow is my Hanna-Maria's 7th birthday. who is my cousin. ^_____^
so today is saturday. and... earlier today i went to Itäkeskus to buy Hanna-Maria's present. Roald Dahl's book Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Yey. So mom and I just figured that we should just buy it sinc ethey've been talking about that movie for a year now.
And putaside the fact that I already bought that book already (...with my own money, aren't i thoughtful...) And then I lost it. And that was meant for Tuomas. But then, a year has passed. I can't believe Hanna is actually turning 7... i always think her as a 4 year old.


so and then mom bought me coloured pens. yey. 2 green and 1 red.
my philophy teacher told us to colour our notes, that'd help us to remember better or something.... O.o

so then we went to the grocery store.
I wonder why Fanta Wild Berries is no longer in sale in any store I go... *scratches head*
I love Wild Berries. *_* I have a deep emotional attachment with Wild Berries.
Now they only sell some weird Fanta Free Red Berries... blah... it's not the same.
i'm loyal to the original taste! :( *shakes fist* I'll start a protest if they don't get it back in sale.


so then we came home and mom and Kari went to the cottage in Pornainen. and then at 8 pm they came back..





then mom and i went to my grandmother Kerttu's apartment.
i just wanted to fall down on the floor and just cry... every memory just came pouring down.
I miss her. *sighs sadly* i just want to cry.

i have never really cried because of her. i've just kept everything bottled up inside me.
but then again, i can't make myself cry.
i think about crying. but then i just can't make myself do it.

i'm still trying to act so strong. *sighs sadly*




so we then packed few bookshelves and other things to the car.
and then just drove back home...


and now i'm home writing this.

I keep dreaming about something that I shouldn't anymore...
It's not a nightmare, quite the opposite actually.
But...

I have to stop it somehow. I can't dream about it anymore.


but I have no idea how.
I just need to think about something completely different.


*sigh*

I just found this... You don't have to fill it. BUT if you want it, you can.
Or you can just private message me with it, if that's what you want if you don't want it to be seen on my guestbook (0.o)




I ____ Heidi.
Heidi is ____.
Heidi needs to ____.
I want to ____ Heidi.
Heidi can ____.
Without Heidi ___.
Heidi can be ____.
Heidi is always _____.
Best thing about Heidi is ___.
I think Heidi should learn how to speak Engslish. (see i did a typo...)
If Heidi was an animal, she'd be a _____.
Right now, I bet Heidi is thinking about ____.
Heidi makes me want to ___.
Heidi probably tastes like ___.
If I could spend the day with Heidi, I'd ___ all day.





Thank you [Morningstar Rising], [Panda-monium], [particle boy] and [Priscilla. (la la) ™]. :))

Sometimes I just feel like I'm falling apart...

This is it then??
This is how it's going to be...



I hate this...
this feeling won't go away.
i hate it.