[merihevonen]'s diary
Written about Sunday 2006-05-21
Written: (7324 days ago)
As you can see, I've inherited the same hair colour... :0
Written about Sunday 2006-05-21
Written: (7324 days ago)
yesterday afternoon I went to see my grandmother at the hospital of Meilahti...
my father and Milka were talking about paying the rent of her apartment.. .
and all i could think about was
"paying rent reminds me of death.
paying rent reminds me of death.
paying rent reminds me of death.
paying rent reminds me of death.
paying rent reminds me of death.
paying rent reminds me of death."
i just kept repeating that in my head...
hmm. sometimes i scare myself.
My grandmother is at the hospital.
I'm not sure what she has... Is it cancer again??
yesterday wasn't the best of days... i felt like crying most of the time.. Somehow i didn't- i don't know how i didnät just fall apart to the floor and just start crying...
she's at the hospital of Meilahti, on the 17th floor. in the isolation wing.
i'm so worried about her... *sighs sadly*
i watched her eat. and apparently it the first time she ate with no difficulties..
So that's something. at least. to be thankful of.
i wasn't able to get a clear answer from my father about what she has... i asked him if it's cancer again... (she started smoking as a teenager and when she was 26 i think she got breath cancer... And her left breast was removed then. Now, years later... and she hasn't smoked since.) My father just kept avoiding the answering... like he always does.
and my mom said that it might be anemia.. the nurse said something about "low white cell levels" or i don't know if i heard it right...
and Janne had went to see her as well, and he had called mom who told me that Milka had had some breathing difficulties. apparently that was the reason she was snet there. So i guess some of the mystery is solved. I'm a bit less worried... And Janne said to mom who told me that she has to be in the hospital for the next 3 weeks.
And my aunt Tuula is on some hopsital as well. at Laakso, I think. I should go see her. She was sent there again because of her legs. She had this accident during this summer at our summer cottage/cabin (whatever the proper word is). You see, Tuula is absolutely terrified of dogs. Especially the really jumpy ones who bark a lot and are scare. (She isn't afraid of Pete since he hardly ever barks at all) So anyways, we have this neighbour who has this dog who's just terrifying. And there's this fence in between of our and our neighbour's house, But then there's this forest behind the fence, so the fence doesn't really separete itself from the background. And Tuula doesn't have the bests of sights...
So she got really scared of the idiot dog of our neighbours this summer and she locked herself in the sauna room (he lives right next to the sauna, in the next room. whiles my father, me and Milka sleep in the actually house/cottage/
well anyway.. things happened and Tuula got scared of the dog and the she fell the ground, and having bad legs already that didn't really help... so long story short, she went to bed after getteing her better... and then at the morning, she was bleeding. and her ebing quite overweight, my father broke his back while carrying her from sauna to outside, and the ambulance came some time after.,,., And now. she's been on and off from hospitals... havig to use this rollator thing... i don't know how long it will take her to start walking again...
my apologies, i know there are alot of typos. i just wrote that in a hurry. and i'm so tired to fix them right now...
Heidi, stop thinking about that.
Just
forget it.
Written about Monday 2006-05-01
Written: (7344 days ago)
Oh what a weekend I've had... what a Vappu.
(edit: I have been informed that Vappu means "Labor Day". So there! Finally I found out what it means in English. But it has a completely different meaning.. See, Finns usually just get drunk and celebrate heavily their graduatation from school. And I don't know what's the meaning of "Labor Day" that other countries have then..... O.o Anyone know anything?)
I just want to rant about everything that happened. But I'll do it later.
I'll edit this later so if you're intested, come and check if i have updated my diary then..
So during this weekend, i have felt happy, and then miserable... and then tired..
I have slept too little, and had troubles sleeping. I have slepit till 5 pm as well... >o<
I have debated about music, ridiculous over-nudity in Hollywood movies, Britney Spears' lack of acting skills, America's 'police of the world' attitude, "war on terrorism", prejudices about Sweden :p hehh hehe, materialism, homophobia, DEEPLY RELIGIOUS PEOPLE (morelike, whined, not debated...), intolerance, pizza...
Blahh.. My feet are numb from walking so much.
I always forget how crazy it gets here during Vappu every year.
The traffic has been insane the past weekend. and i just came from in front of the President's Castle where was a huge Jesus parade. Just a long line of religious people singing "i believe in Jesus"..... i mean... *blows fume, infuriated*
Unless I'm misinformed, Vappu is a non-religious holiday. Why the parade then? Why today?
I mean, they just... ARG!!!
Vappu is celebrated because high school graduates go around the town with their white graduation hats on and drink lots of alcohol and celebrate...
IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH RELIGION.
Stupid idiots.
i laughed so hard when I saw those banners they had.
I took pictures of them also. i'll add them under this entry later... once i get my batteries charged first since they went dead in the middle of everything...
i kept thinking when i walked through the huge crowd that 'If only I had a shirt that had the text ATHEIST' in it, but no... :(
Hmm, I need to get that. *thinks where that shirt could be sold* hmmm...
And Ina's moving to live with his father Friday to Sipoo (it's like 2 hours away from Helsinki) so my social life will lose its shine now. :(
Once again, i'll just be the same nerd-wannabe locked in my room 24/7, spending my life on my computer....
Well we'll meet at school. but it's no the same.
Hmpph. why does she have to move there? just when i find a new friend, she has to move HOURS away...
and the bus trip is 5, 80 euros. so.. *shows her wallet pockects which have only 20 cent coins*
Now I'm a busy highschool student, i don't have that much money...
stupid. i'm on a really 'piss off'-mood. i'm not very friendly right now.
so talk to me with caution.
and mom and Kari are going to Greece on the 6th.. so i'll be home alone for a week...
great. i'll have to call Mari and tell her to come check if i'm still alive some day...
so this should be all for now. i'm going back to ina's in few hours.
i don't have much money.. i shouldn't have wasted my money like that yesterday.
and i'll write about my rants about blahh everything later. see you tomorrow i hope, i won't be here today.
tomorrow is my Hanna-Maria's 7th birthday. who is my cousin. ^_____^
so today is saturday. and... earlier today i went to Itäkeskus to buy Hanna-Maria's present. Roald Dahl's book Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Yey. So mom and I just figured that we should just buy it sinc ethey've been talking about that movie for a year now.
And putaside the fact that I already bought that book already (...with my own money, aren't i thoughtful...) And then I lost it. And that was meant for Tuomas. But then, a year has passed. I can't believe Hanna is actually turning 7... i always think her as a 4 year old.
so and then mom bought me coloured pens. yey. 2 green and 1 red.
my philophy teacher told us to colour our notes, that'd help us to remember better or something.... O.o
so then we went to the grocery store.
I wonder why Fanta Wild Berries is no longer in sale in any store I go... *scratches head*
I love Wild Berries. *_* I have a deep emotional attachment with Wild Berries.
Now they only sell some weird Fanta Free Red Berries... blah... it's not the same.
i'm loyal to the original taste! :( *shakes fist* I'll start a protest if they don't get it back in sale.
so then we came home and mom and Kari went to the cottage in Pornainen. and then at 8 pm they came back..
then mom and i went to my grandmother Kerttu's apartment.
i just wanted to fall down on the floor and just cry... every memory just came pouring down.
I miss her. *sighs sadly* i just want to cry.
i have never really cried because of her. i've just kept everything bottled up inside me.
but then again, i can't make myself cry.
i think about crying. but then i just can't make myself do it.
i'm still trying to act so strong. *sighs sadly*
so we then packed few bookshelves and other things to the car.
and then just drove back home...
and now i'm home writing this.
I read something about kisses in a sience magazine.
Something they can't capture in the sweetest movie scenes.
She is waving out of the window.
Her smile is red as a wound.
And my quiet heart goes to pieces.
It's been a lonely year in this room.
And I will not ignore you like before.
My january promises are more than words softly spoken."
- Kent: Cowboys
More than I missed myself."
- Kent: Protection
It's clinging to my shirt now like static in her hair.
And something here is wrong. I heard it when she spoke.
Her dust flows through my veins and I'm yesterday's joke.
And it seems impossible to meet her simple needs.
She breaths invincible and it's giving me the creeps.
She is still the wild one here, the incendiary soul.
She is in flame and I am cold.
God, I'm getting old.
She is talking through a yawn and the radio is on.
I listen through the thin walls and someone is whistling along.
There is something in the air squeezing out sparks.
The striplight flickers and then dies and leaves us in the dark.
And it seems impossible to make the ending speak.
She breaths invincible and it's giving me the creeps.
She is still the wild one here, the incendiary soul.
She is in flame and I am cold.
God, I'm getting old.
God, it's getting cold.
And I tried to make you a believer but you're not a receiver."
- Kent: Whistle song
I see the sun, I smell the spring.
Soon comes the rain, just like a wave.
And wash away, everything
that's not the music."
- Kent: FF
I keep dreaming about something that I shouldn't anymore...
It's not a nightmare, quite the opposite actually.
But...
I have to stop it somehow. I can't dream about it anymore.
but I have no idea how.
I just need to think about something completely different.
*sigh*
I just found this... You don't have to fill it. BUT if you want it, you can.
Or you can just private message me with it, if that's what you want if you don't want it to be seen on my guestbook (0.o)
I ____ Heidi.
Heidi is ____.
Heidi needs to ____.
I want to ____ Heidi.
Heidi can ____.
Without Heidi ___.
Heidi can be ____.
Heidi is always _____.
Best thing about Heidi is ___.
I think Heidi should learn how to speak Engslish. (see i did a typo...)
If Heidi was an animal, she'd be a _____.
Right now, I bet Heidi is thinking about ____.
Heidi makes me want to ___.
Heidi probably tastes like ___.
If I could spend the day with Heidi, I'd ___ all day.
Thank you [Morningstar Rising], [Panda-monium], [particle boy] and [Priscilla. (la la) ™]. :))
Sometimes I just feel like I'm falling apart...
This is it then??
This is how it's going to be...
I hate this...
this feeling won't go away.
i hate it.
Peter Pan:
Don't you understand, Tink? You mean more to me than anything in this whole world!
*almost starts to cry at the memory* So sad...
Captain Hook tricked Tinkerbell... and tried to kill Peter Pan...
So thanks to my friend Caz, [Blasphemous Rumours], i found out that the downloading program LimeWire is a stupid virus program and thanks to her I got it out of my pc before it could do any harm, destroy my pc basicly completely. So thank you.
I was just downloading Depeche Mode's wonderful techno mixes of their original songs, and Nine Inch Nails, Tegan and Sara, and Johnny Cash.... *sighs sadly* Such a shame. Now it seems I'll just have to use myspace again only to listen music... *curses madly*
And since I have all the Depeche Mode albums and Caz is a fan too, and doesn't have all the cds, I copied my cds on my pc
and tried to send them to her through msn, but it didn't work. *is frustrated*
Argh, I hate modern technology!
another thiing i must write about.
I told Mari that I'm gay today. (And went and bought pizza, but I'll write about that later :P)
So she reacted well to it. Apparently she knew it all along. Which is kind of irritating that she would know that and not still tell me about it!
I mean it's taken me months (or years...) to get to this point and she knew it all along. Kind of pisses me off. Hmphh. :p Friends!
If it was other way around, I'd tell her that I know...
Well. The important thing is that I told her.
So.. end rant.
And I'm meeting Ina tomorrow. After school we're going walking somewhere apparently, or I'm not usre yet what we're going to do. I plan to take my camera with me anyway. And I need to take both of my memory cards just in case since usually when I go take pictures the card gets full and I have the other one at home... and then I get mad at myself for not realizing to take it with me too. *sighs* hmphh. i'm so absent-minded that I always forget that sort of things.
yep, so it might be fun to do that tomorrow. I need to go to bed early.
and apparently she wants to wallow in selfhatred with me tomorrow and then plan mass suicide (In her own words, not mine, I promise! I promise to cheer her up.)
and I need to go get the Iliad by Homer from the library tomorrow for Mari since she needs it for her Finnish class, and she needs to
read it before her test, and then make a comparison of it and the Gulliver's Journeys (I'm not sure how it's translated in Engslish).. Gulliver something anyway... 0.o
And I can't find the video box of the Fellowship of the Rings' extended version... I got it from the library like 2 weeks ago, and I can't find it.
It's obverdue even. :P But I like the fact that I'm paying overdue payments for LOTR extended version..... it makes me all warm inside. XP
*sticks out a tongue at you all* ha ha... >,<
oh yeah, I'd like to thank my friend Nevan from ep again for that wonderful advice to go rent a movie. (I know [Priscilla. (la la) ™] you said it too, but Nevan said it first, so sorry. But I'm thanking you too. *hugs*)
Watching Peter Pan really made me feel a lot bette. So... I guess this is it then. the end?
No wait- I almost forgot! I went and bought pizza today... YEY! ^_____^^
so that was the last one I think... *puts on her thinking hat trying to remember if there was anything else i was supposed to write*
Well I'll edit this then if i remember anything else later, or just make a new entry.
Take care of yourself then... :P
- Heidi
We were married under cherry trees,
under blossom we made pour vows...
- Nick Cave Well I heard there was a secret chord that David played and it pleased the Lord. But you don't really care for music, do you?
- Leonard Cohen
Well she knows exactly what I can't resist...
- Nine Inch Nails
Starless night will cover day
In the veiling of the sun
We will walk in bitter rain
I still hear your name
And in dreams
We will meet again
And we come, to end of days
In the dark I hear a call
Calling me there
I will go there
And back again
Words and music by Fran Walsh and Howard Shore,
Based on the song for the Entwives by Tolkien.
Performed by Edward Ross
my very current music obsessions:
Damien Rice: Delicate
Damien Rice: Eskimo
Damien Rice: Cold water
Shigeru Umbeyashi: Yumeiji's theme
Annie Lennox: Into the West
Enya: Only time
Edward Ross: In Dreams
Tegan and Sara: Where does the good go
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds: Into my arms
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds: People ain't no good
Depeche Mode: Stripped
Depeche Mode: If you want
Depeche Mode: Nothing's impossible
Depeche Mode: It's called a heart
Depeche Mode: But not tonight
Depeche Mode: Lillian
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration (live)
Depeche Mode: Something to do
Depeche Mode: Lie to me
Nightwish: Beauty and the beast
Leonard Cohen: Hallelujah
Nine Inch Nails: Somewhat Damaged
Nine Inch Nails: Head like a hole
the Cure: A letter to Elise
Johnny Cash: When the man comes around
Johnny Cash: Boy named Sue
Johnny Cash: I walk the line
Johnny Cash: Man in black
Madonna: You must love me
I'm wearing my favourite shirt at the moment. so that deserves a diary entry.
it's this blue and white plaid flanel shirt that i found at my family cottage years ago that belonged to my grandfather Erkki.
I've always worn it on special days only. Today is a special day. :) yey
Written about Sunday 2006-03-05
Written: (7401 days ago)
I have fallen in love with the most wonderful girl I have ever met. Although she lives in Canada, far far away from here... when I'm talking to her, it's like she's in the same room with me.
*sigh*
it's weird for me to write these sort of things in my diary. i usually just keep everything bottled up inside me. And i prefer saying such emotions as love to her instead write it here. but still i need to outlet a few things from time to time.
My grandmother Kerttu died this week's Wednesday night at the age of 81. She had had a stroke and because of that she had been rushed to a hospital. Later, the doctors realized, that behind all that, was cancer. She died at 2:34. May she rest in peace. I am now in a phase of complete denial; the first phase of grief and loss. I can still picture her, at her home, knitting me wullsocks and dayplankets, going to church and being a good grandmother. I know she is in a better place now, with my grandfather Erkki who died ten years ago. Altough I'm not sure if I believe in heaven nor god, but because she was a true Lutheran Cristian, I will try.. for her.
Now that she is gone, I have learned more of her, going through her belongings. I have have found out that we shared a similar taste of literature. I never knew that about her, because I was too wrapped up in my own little world, mostly only seeing her on family meetings and birthdays. I feel regret that I didn't get to know her while I still could.