ET: Member blog

[merihevonen]'s diary

785572 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2006-04-29
Written: (7346 days ago)

tomorrow is my Hanna-Maria's 7th birthday. who is my cousin. ^_____^
so today is saturday. and... earlier today i went to Itäkeskus to buy Hanna-Maria's present. Roald Dahl's book Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Yey. So mom and I just figured that we should just buy it sinc ethey've been talking about that movie for a year now.
And putaside the fact that I already bought that book already (...with my own money, aren't i thoughtful...) And then I lost it. And that was meant for Tuomas. But then, a year has passed. I can't believe Hanna is actually turning 7... i always think her as a 4 year old.

so and then mom bought me coloured pens. yey. 2 green and 1 red.
my philophy teacher told us to colour our notes, that'd help us to remember better or something.... O.o

so then we went to the grocery store.
I wonder why Fanta Wild Berries is no longer in sale in any store I go... *scratches head*
I love Wild Berries. *_* I have a deep emotional attachment with Wild Berries.
Now they only sell some weird Fanta Free Red Berries... blah... it's not the same.
i'm loyal to the original taste! :( *shakes fist* I'll start a protest if they don't get it back in sale.

so then we came home and mom and Kari went to the cottage in Pornainen. and then at 8 pm they came back..

then mom and i went to my grandmother Kerttu's apartment.
i just wanted to fall down on the floor and just cry... every memory just came pouring down.
I miss her. *sighs sadly* i just want to cry.

i have never really cried because of her. i've just kept everything bottled up inside me.
but then again, i can't make myself cry.
i think about crying. but then i just can't make myself do it.

i'm still trying to act so strong. *sighs sadly*

so we then packed few bookshelves and other things to the car.
and then just drove back home...

and now i'm home writing this.

783849 Link to this entry
Written about Wednesday 2006-04-26
Written: (7349 days ago)

"And everything I told you was stolen from a book.
I read something about kisses in a sience magazine.
Something they can't capture in the sweetest movie scenes.
She is waving out of the window.
Her smile is red as a wound.
And my quiet heart goes to pieces.
It's been a lonely year in this room.
And I will not ignore you like before.
My january promises are more than words softly spoken."
         - Kent: Cowboys

"I really missed your smile.
More than I missed myself."
         - Kent: Protection

"There is something in her eyes that's making me scared.
It's clinging to my shirt now like static in her hair.
And something here is wrong. I heard it when she spoke.
Her dust flows through my veins and I'm yesterday's joke.
And it seems impossible to meet her simple needs.
She breaths invincible and it's giving me the creeps.
She is still the wild one here, the incendiary soul.
She is in flame and I am cold.
God, I'm getting old.
She is talking through a yawn and the radio is on.
I listen through the thin walls and someone is whistling along.
There is something in the air squeezing out sparks.
The striplight flickers and then dies and leaves us in the dark.
And it seems impossible to make the ending speak.
She breaths invincible and it's giving me the creeps.
She is still the wild one here, the incendiary soul.
She is in flame and I am cold.
God, I'm getting old.
God, it's getting cold.
And I tried to make you a believer but you're not a receiver."
        - Kent: Whistle song

"We're counting days, we're counting years.
I see the sun, I smell the spring.
Soon comes the rain, just like a wave.
And wash away, everything
that's not the music."
        - Kent: FF

776433 Link to this entry
Written about Wednesday 2006-04-12
Written: (7363 days ago)

I keep dreaming about something that I shouldn't anymore...
It's not a nightmare, quite the opposite actually.
But...

I have to stop it somehow. I can't dream about it anymore.

but I have no idea how.
I just need to think about something completely different.

*sigh*

769056 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2006-03-27
Written: (7379 days ago)

Next in thread: 769156, 769169

I just found this... You don't have to fill it. BUT if you want it, you can.
Or you can just private message me with it, if that's what you want if you don't want it to be seen on my guestbook (0.o)

I ____ Heidi.
Heidi is ____.
Heidi needs to ____.
I want to ____ Heidi.
Heidi can ____.
Without Heidi ___.
Heidi can be ____.
Heidi is always _____.
Best thing about Heidi is ___.
I think Heidi should learn how to speak Engslish. (see i did a typo...)
If Heidi was an animal, she'd be a _____.
Right now, I bet Heidi is thinking about ____.
Heidi makes me want to ___.
Heidi probably tastes like ___.
If I could spend the day with Heidi, I'd ___ all day.

Thank you [Morningstar Rising], [Panda-monium], [particle boy] and [Priscilla. (la la) ™]. :))

768474 Link to this entry
Written about Sunday 2006-03-26
Written: (7380 days ago)

Sometimes I just feel like I'm falling apart...

768139 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2006-03-25
Written: (7381 days ago)

This is it then??
This is how it's going to be...

I hate this...
this feeling won't go away.
i hate it.

766862 Link to this entry
Written about Thursday 2006-03-23
Written: (7384 days ago)

 Peter Pan: 
 Don't you understand, Tink? You mean more to me than anything in this whole world!

*almost starts to cry at the memory* So sad...
Captain Hook tricked Tinkerbell... and tried to kill Peter Pan...

766822 Link to this entry
Written about Wednesday 2006-03-22
Written: (7384 days ago)

So thanks to my friend Caz, [Blasphemous Rumours], i found out that the downloading program LimeWire is a stupid virus program and thanks to her I got it out of my pc before it could do any harm, destroy my pc basicly completely. So thank you.
I was just downloading Depeche Mode's wonderful techno mixes of their original songs, and Nine Inch Nails, Tegan and Sara, and Johnny Cash.... *sighs sadly* Such a shame. Now it seems I'll just have to use myspace again only to listen music... *curses madly*

And since I have all the Depeche Mode albums and Caz is a fan too, and doesn't have all the cds, I copied my cds on my pc
and tried to send them to her through msn, but it didn't work. *is frustrated*

Argh, I hate modern technology!

another thiing i must write about.

I told Mari that I'm gay today. (And went and bought pizza, but I'll write about that later :P)
So she reacted well to it. Apparently she knew it all along. Which is kind of irritating that she would know that and not still tell me about it!
I mean it's taken me months (or years...) to get to this point and she knew it all along. Kind of pisses me off. Hmphh. :p Friends!
If it was other way around, I'd tell her that I know...

Well. The important thing is that I told her.

So.. end rant.

And I'm meeting Ina tomorrow. After school we're going walking somewhere apparently, or I'm not usre yet what we're going to do. I plan to take my camera with me anyway. And I need to take both of my memory cards just in case since usually when I go take pictures the card gets full and I have the other one at home... and then I get mad at myself for not realizing to take it with me too. *sighs* hmphh. i'm so absent-minded that I always forget that sort of things.

yep, so it might be fun to do that tomorrow. I need to go to bed early.
and apparently she wants to wallow in selfhatred with me tomorrow and then plan mass suicide (In her own words, not mine, I promise! I promise to cheer her up.)

and I need to go get the Iliad by Homer from the library tomorrow for Mari since she needs it for her Finnish class, and she needs to
read it before her test, and then make a comparison of it and the Gulliver's Journeys (I'm not sure how it's translated in Engslish).. Gulliver something anyway... 0.o

And I can't find the video box of the Fellowship of the Rings' extended version... I got it from the library like 2 weeks ago, and I can't find it.
It's obverdue even. :P But I like the fact that I'm paying overdue payments for LOTR extended version..... it makes me all warm inside. XP
*sticks out a tongue at you all* ha ha... >,<

oh yeah, I'd like to thank my friend Nevan from ep again for that wonderful advice to go rent a movie. (I know [Priscilla. (la la) ™] you said it too, but Nevan said it first, so sorry. But I'm thanking you too. *hugs*)
Watching Peter Pan really made me feel a lot bette. So... I guess this is it then. the end?

No wait- I almost forgot! I went and bought pizza today... YEY! ^_____^^
so that was the last one I think... *puts on her thinking hat trying to remember if there was anything else i was supposed to write*
Well I'll edit this then if i remember anything else later, or just make a new entry.

Good night. Sweet dreams. Sorry, I won't here that much tomorrow here, because of *points above*
Take care of yourself then... :P

- Heidi

766291 Link to this entry
Written about Tuesday 2006-03-21
Written: (7385 days ago)

  We were married under cherry trees,
  under blossom we made pour vows...

- Nick Cave

Well I heard there was a secret chord that David played and it pleased the Lord. But you don't really care for music, do you?

- Leonard Cohen

Well she knows exactly what I can't resist...

- Nine Inch Nails

766288 Link to this entry
Written about Tuesday 2006-03-21
Written: (7385 days ago)

In Dreams

When the cold of winter comes
Starless night will cover day
In the veiling of the sun
We will walk in bitter rain

But in dreams
I still hear your name
And in dreams
We will meet again

When the seas and mountains fall
And we come, to end of days
In the dark I hear a call
Calling me there
I will go there
And back again

Words and music by Fran Walsh and Howard Shore,
Based on the song for the Entwives by Tolkien.
Performed by Edward Ross

766261 Link to this entry
Written about Tuesday 2006-03-21
Written: (7385 days ago)

my very current music obsessions:

Damien Rice: Delicate
Damien Rice: Eskimo
Damien Rice: Cold water
Shigeru Umbeyashi: Yumeiji's theme
Annie Lennox: Into the West
Enya: Only time
Edward Ross: In Dreams
Tegan and Sara: Where does the good go
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds: Into my arms
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds: People ain't no good
Depeche Mode: Stripped
Depeche Mode: If you want
Depeche Mode: Nothing's impossible
Depeche Mode: It's called a heart
Depeche Mode: But not tonight
Depeche Mode: Lillian
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration (live)
Depeche Mode: Something to do
Depeche Mode: Lie to me
Nightwish: Beauty and the beast
Leonard Cohen: Hallelujah
Nine Inch Nails: Somewhat Damaged
Nine Inch Nails: Head like a hole
the Cure: A letter to Elise
Johnny Cash: When the man comes around
Johnny Cash: Boy named Sue
Johnny Cash: I walk the line
Johnny Cash: Man in black
Madonna: You must love me

758918 Link to this entry
Written about Sunday 2006-03-05
Written: (7401 days ago)

I'm wearing my favourite shirt at the moment. so that deserves a diary entry.

it's this blue and white plaid flanel shirt that i found at my family cottage years ago that belonged to my grandfather Erkki.
I've always worn it on special days only. Today is a special day. :) yey

758681 Link to this entry
Written about Sunday 2006-03-05
Written: (7401 days ago)

Next in thread: 758694

I have fallen in love with the most wonderful girl I have ever met. Although she lives in Canada, far far away from here... when I'm talking to her, it's like she's in the same room with me.

*sigh*

it's weird for me to write these sort of things in my diary. i usually just keep everything bottled up inside me. And i prefer saying such emotions as love to her instead write it here. but still i need to outlet a few things from time to time.

590290 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2005-06-04
Written: (7675 days ago)

My grandmother Kerttu died this week's Wednesday night at the age of 81. She had had a stroke and because of that she had been rushed to a hospital. Later, the doctors realized, that behind all that, was cancer. She died at 2:34. May she rest in peace. I am now in a phase of complete denial; the first phase of grief and loss. I can still picture her, at her home, knitting me wullsocks and dayplankets, going to church and being a good grandmother. I know she is in a better place now, with my grandfather Erkki who died ten years ago. Altough I'm not sure if I believe in heaven nor god, but because she was a true Lutheran Cristian, I will try.. for her.
Now that she is gone, I have learned more of her, going through her belongings. I have have found out that we shared a similar taste of literature. I never knew that about her, because I was too wrapped up in my own little world, mostly only seeing her on family meetings and birthdays. I feel regret that I didn't get to know her while I still could.

The logged in version

[merihevonen]'s diary

Peter Pan: Don't you understand, Tink? You mean more to me than anything in this whole world!

We were married under cherry trees, under blossom we made pour vows...

Well she knows exactly what I can't resist...