I listened to Can't Take by All American Rejects until I said I can't take this and started listening to the Shoebox Project soundtrack.
It's my birthday. I got Move Along by All American Rejects, The Wizards of Earthsea, a $100 from assorted relatives, and a wacom tablet. I'm going to have fun today with it. So much fun.
We're going to go out to dinner too.
7 Days till my birthday!
Alright so there's this wiki called Emo Boys *kissing* Emo Boys.
That's wonderful, lovely in fact. Nothing against it. But at my school the emos are homophobic and crap. I am starting to feel cheated.
[Stray Kitty] wishes [FalseReality] would go off and die in a corner. She also wonders if he hates the Elftown Guards so much and thinks Elftown is "gay" why is he is on here?
8 more days to my birthday!
12 Days to my birthday. I am so self centered.
My heart hurts.
In P.E. today there was an assembly of sorts for EVERY FIFTEEN MINUTES. I was near the lunch line in my P.E. uniform with is black shorts that go down to about my knees or something and a semi-tight shirt from some aquarium in Oregon Of course, this is me. So it probably wasn't as tight as some of the things the other girls wear. and it certain wasn't low cut or anything.
This guy touches me, on my arm very clase to me breast. I turn around and there's this guy from violin and The Barn and he doesn't look like he did it. Then there's this guy also in the area, named Cody. And he did it I know. That or one of his friends. THey pulled the whole he did it no he did it shit.
Nothing about me screams come and get me I'm easy. Nothing. I do not dress in a provocative way. It's not my fault I'm well endowed. I can fucking control that.
And I just spent most of yesterday and the day before that telling myself that stuff like this wasn't going to happen to me because I don't go around with my boobs just about ready to fall out of my shirt. I don't wear skin tight pants. I do nit own a thong. I'm not the type of girl you go to and touch her and beat her and rape her. I fight back. Still I feel violated. Vunerable. I want to go away and hide in a corner and CRY. Then the voice in my head that I yell at myself accuses me of being weak and poor me.
It's not my fault. I scream But is it? The shirt was tight. But still. I don't send off signals like that. I not some slut or whore.
Sure I carry myself with confidence and I'm not going to be sorry about. I am a confident person and No ONE had any right to make me feel any less. I am worth something more than sex. I am a smart young woman. Sure I screw up and yeah I fall down. But I get back up and I'm not going to be sorry if you think that all women are weak because the Fucking biblew states that and I set that theory on its head. I will not be sorry for causing you to think about you beliefs. I think it's about time. I will not fall meekly into place as the bibilical role of sweet submissions. You aren't going to take that away from me. I'm stronger than a lot of guys.
Ever wonder why more guys follow through with suicide. Some dude in my health class last year thought it was because guys were bracer. But how brave is that. You';re just running away from your problems. You're not facing it. Doesn't it take more courage to get up everyday than to end it all?
IU'm stronger than you Cody. I think. I feel. You see yourself being contradicted and you don;t think about. You try to get rid of the thing that causes you to think. That's not going to get rid of your discomfort. Ever ask your self WHat if it is I that is wrong? Ever? No of course not. OYu just always have to be so fucking right. Scared that a mere woman might be more than EVE'S weakness? So what do you do you try to scare into submission. So that it becomes you that is right because there's no one left to question you or force you to question yourself.
I am guilty of plunging ahead sure that I am right. I am wrong times. And I am a hypocrit.
You made my heart sick, it hurts. And I have to heal it.
Do you ever go through that? Or do you stay holed up in yourself and never let your heart feel even if it means being hurt and trampled on.
I think I might have coughed up a lung today. Aside from that I'm fine.
My Birthday's in 13 days.
Wonder if my parents will aprrove an opposite and same gender birthday party. I'll try it. Let's see the short list of boys I would invite are: Vance, and Matt. Gee I thought there were others. I know there are. Hmm let's see... not Avery. Anna might take the oppurtunity to shove him off a cliff. Oh yes my birthday is going to have a possible hike and pinic lunch. Well the one for friends is. There is at least one more boy who is a friend. Aha! Nick! Wait, hmm. No on second thought. And probably not Matt either. I'll try though. Let's see I want Anna, Kaitlyn, Mel, Ariana, Zora, Roxanne, and Maya to come. Possibly Vance. If my parents will let him. It's going to be fun.
Roxanne just gave me a cd with about 174 songs on it. I will be entertained for months.
I now have 36.283 hours of music on my playlist. I feel happy.
I don't really like anyone right now. Odd for me. Normally I'm obsessed with one person or another. But not now.
I saw Jorma in the park today. He seemed pretty embarrassed to be caught with his little brother(? for some reason I thought it myight be his nephew). He honestly looked moritfied at seeing someone from school. Prehaps it's because he stoped badly on his skatebord? I just smiled and went past with Teneya.
Becuase my normally powerful blocks have failed and allowed me to take this test:
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Fifth Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Level | Score
Purgatory | Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo | Low
Level 2 | Very Low
Level 3 | Moderate
Level 4 | Moderate
Level 5 | Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis | High
Level 7 | Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge | Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus | Low
Level descriptions: http://www.4de
Take the test: http://www.4de
I have gone through my own brand of therapy. I call it music therapy. Basically find a song that suits my mood and repeat over and over.
It's mainly consisted of Avril Lavigne's Unwanted and Alinis Morissette's You Oughta Know.
I despise being ignored, blown off, disregarded. I like getting attention. Not many people know that. I am vain. I love being complimented. Insult me, I’ll tell you off. Or tell myself you’re stupid. Don’t ignore me. That’s somehow much worse. Insult me make me your enemy, but don’t disregard me. I feel weak now. A kitten mewling for attention, convinced she’s a tiger. I lie and say I don’t care. I know I can make it true. I think you like being able to do this to me. I think you like being in control. I dislike being controlled. This is going to be interesting at the very least.
Hmm how should we start?
Let me think for a sec.
When it’s just us
There’s no problem.
You nice, interesting, smart and funny.
But I got a bone to pick,
With you.
I don’t like being ignored.
I don’t appreciate being blown off.
Are you embarrassed of me,
Do I show another side they don’t know?
I didn’t ditch you for her this morning.
I introduced you.
I was,
Dare I say it.
Polite.
You Mr. Chivalry, Mr. Knight in Shiny armor,
Ignored me.
Hello?
Hi is Zora there?
No she is not right now, but I'll tell her you called when she gets back.
Thank you
Bye
Just from talking to him for that long I get this shivery feeling in my stomach region. THen I growl because I'm annoyed. And I interupt myself with another growl-sound because I'm annoyed that that annoyed me and I realize what that shivery feeling in my stomach meant. I rush over to the mirror and it confirms my worse fear. Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's not over him at all?
He's manage to throw my comosure out the window. And after he hangs up or leaves, I'm left feeling vaguely cheated and annoyed. Doesn't he know that I'm the only one that's allowed to throw composure and caution to the wind outside the window? Obviously not. Or he does and doesn't care.
Now I'm really annoyed. It first started with reading a whole slew of SasuNaru fics, which normally isn't a bad thing but it put me in a very fluffy mood. Then I go downstais and the Princess Diaries II is playing. I hate those movies and I try to avoid watching them, but I ws in a fluffly mood and got sucked into watching it with my brother and mom. Of course, sometimes I'd remember who I was and what I was watching, and I'd pout/sulk and promptly forget about sulking/poutin
Then I ate dinner.
Then I kidnapped the phone. I called a friend and found out I now have two gey friends. I only thought I had one. But it turns out that I have another. I'm not really suprised that he's gay though. Sometimes I'm pretty hard to suprise, especially with books. It's not that I see things comeing or anything, I just go 'Oh that was intriguing' and continue reading. I guess I'm like that in life 'Oh, didn't see that one coming, but come to think of it it wasn't that suprising' and keep on living.
This is Anthony's fault.
Wow. I have a bad habit of not writing. Well, I guess I normally write about stuff that I have strong feelings about and don't care about people reading.
First Impressions People Have Had Of Me
Calm--Anthony, Wrong very soon he was proven.
She's short and smiling, I hope she doesn't bite me--Kevin (he's like 5'11" and I'm 5'4" on a good day), one of the more correct first impressions
She's short and smiling--Logan
I'm going to start collecting these:
[Message sent to blue eyed lizzie. Elftown loves you and wants to hug you! (Unless this message was an insult or a chain message.) May you have a wonderful night!]
[Message sent to Anon Amos. Elftown loves you and wants to hug you! (Unless this message was an insult or a chain message.) May you have a wonderful night!]
[Message sent to Shadow Hawk. Elftown loves you and wants to hug you! (Unless this message was an insult or a chain message.) May you have a wonderful night!]
[Message sent to Intrepid Dreams. Elftown loves you and wants to hug you! (Unless this message was an insult or a chain message.) May you have a wonderful night!]
[Message sent to fire_stone. Elftown loves you and wants to hug you! (Unless this message was an insult or a chain message.) May you have a wonderful night!]
[Message sent to I stabbith ye. Elftown loves you and wants to hug you! (Unless this message was an insult or a chain message.) May you have a wonderful night!]
[Message sent to Diiwica. Elftown loves you and wants to hug you! (Unless this message was an insult or a chain message.) May you have a wonderful night!]
[Message sent to Rat Hacker. Elftown loves you and wants to hug you! (Unless this message was an insult or a chain message.) May you have a wonderful night!]
[Message sent to Silver Phantoms. Elftown loves you and wants to hug you! (Unless this message was an insult or a chain message.) May you have a wonderful night!]
[Message sent to fire_stone. Elftown loves you and wants to hug you! (Unless this message was an insult or a chain message.) May you have a wonderful night!]
Look I rewrote the other one:
Here's a story:
A girl was in an abusive relationship with a guy (let's call him Dickhead). She (let's call her Christy) really liked Dickhead. All of Christy's friends disliked him. Dickhead was friends with the guy (he'll be Mac) that Christy's friend Amy was going to TWIRPS with. Amy was talking to Mac and his friends and Dickhead was near by. One of Mac's friends asked about Amy's sled dogs. Dickhead misheard and asked if she was a pole dancer. Amy just glared at him.
Christy still liked Dickhead but was too afraid to ask him out. Amy told her that he was no good and a dick head.
Dickhead asked Christy out. Amy decided to be supportive of Christy if not the relationship.
Dickhead asked if he could make out with Christy because he had never done it with any other girls. Pretty soon everyone thought Christy was a slut. Amy wanted to punch Dickhead or castrate him, but that was against school rules.
Dickhead took Christy out to lunch or at least that's was he told her. He took her to a back alley and put his hands up her shirt. Christy was uncomfortable and told him to stop. He didn't.
Christy told Amy about it and her other friends. They all wanted to beat his ass. But Christy still liked him.
Dickhead told Christy that he'd change and begged for Amy's forgiveness. Christy believed him. Amy thought he was a liar in addition to a pervert, sex offender, and all around moron.
One day Amy and her friend Elisa saw Christy and Dickhead leaving campus for lunch. They had the brilliant idea of following them. After sneaking around like bad spies the followed them of campus. However they lost them at an alley. Naturally they assumed that Dickhead had taken Christy down there to molest her. So they walked a little ways back and begin loudly debating about whether or not Mac had gone down the alley. Dickhead came out from the bushes.
Amy and Elisa asked if he had seen Mac. He said he hadn't. The girls asked why he was here. Dickhead lied and said he was "just passing through".
Amy and Elisa knew he was lying because who spends their lunch passing through allies?
So they went around to the other end of the alley, where they waited and debated going through the alley again.
However they decided that it would look very suspicious.
Fortunately one of Amy's friends and her friends was coming up the street, acting very loud and drunk or something. So they her and her friends to go through the alley and be loud. They also gave a brief description of why. They agreed.
After the other friends had disrupted Christy and Dickhead Amy and Elisa ended up walking back to school with them.
Once they got back they talked to Christy and found that nothing had happened. Dickhead had just wanted to talk. Amy then proceeded to flip Dickhead off behind hid back.
Dickhead also tested Christy with nasty messages. So much for that change, Amy thought. Amy, Elisa and Christy's friend Becky went to the school counselor and reported the occurrence.
They soon convinced Christy to go to the counselor. Amy wanted Dickhead to be arrested. Dickhead's father was a wealthy dude in their town so even if Christy had wanted to press charges it probably wouldn't happen.
Dickhead has broken up with Christy, and is currently begging Amy's forgiveness. She's ignoring him.
Dickhead's 14, perverted and looks up porn.
Mac's 15, knew about it and tried to convince Amy that Dickhead was okay once you got to know him.
Elisa's 14, disturbed and let's Amy swear at Dickhead and she thinks crap is a swearword.
Becky's 14, been molested before and hates Dickhead.
Christy's 15, obsessed with her face, has no self esteem, no mother, and a father that beats her.
I am 14, against rape and molestation. I wrote this using no one's (including myself) real names. I always thought stuff like this didn't happen to a bunch of 14 and 15 year olds. I thought you'd only have to worry about this stuff if you were older. Whenever I heard about rape or molestation or kidnapping it always happened so far away. It couldn't happen here. It could and it did. And it shouldn't have.
Does anyone but me think this is wrong and disgusting? Anyone doubt that this happened? Message me [Stray Kitty] and ask. Because this did happen. And it can happen to you and your friends.
Hmm. I seem to put a lot of those story things in my diary. Mostly because I dislike seeing the sappy one on houses. And it looks better in the diary.