Today I went to the orthodontist to get my wirses changed and have new bands put on. I was decided the colors and I was considering pink becase I'm "friends" with some cheerleaders in my P.E. class. So then I realized that I was basing my decision on how others would think of me. And I don't do that and I don't want to stop. So then I considered having red or black or both. But in a way that would be me because of someone. So I asked myself what do I want and got purple. And yeah come to think of it this does seem trivial, but I'd prefer not to become someone that bases her decisions on what other people think. It falls under the Tara catorgory.

The Tara Catogory
Okay so I use to live in Forest Ranch and it was a very small town. There were only about 20 or 30 kids in my first grade/kindergarden class. I was friends with Tara. She was the sort of person that used people and probably grew up to be some popular person. THere was also Jackie. Looking back it was sorta funny. They bothe wanted to be queen bee. And in first grade too. Well anyways Tara basically controlled my. Not as much as she'd have liked though. Rather hard to controll someone when they're more interested in being a buffalo wolf than a fairy.
Anyways I've always been wary about being controlled by someone. I have a pretty good idea of who me is and I feel like keeping it. But I need to change, it's called growning up. There's a fine line and I intend to walk it.

[1) I committed suicide:]
[2) I said I liked you:]
[3) I kissed you:]
[4) I lived next door to you:]
[5) I started smoking:]
[6) I stole something:]
[7) I was hospitalized:]
[8) I ran away from home:]
[9) I got into a fight and you weren't there]
what do you think of my:
[1) Personality:]
[2) Eyes:]
[3) Face:]
[4) Hair:]
[5) Clothes:]
[6) Mannerisms:]
general stuff:
[1) Who are you?]
[2) Are we friends?]
[3) When and how did we meet?]
[4) How have I affected you?]
[5) What do you think of me?]
[6) What's the fondest memory you have of me?]
[7) How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?]
[8) Do you love me?]
[9) Have I ever hurt you?]
[10) Would you hug me?]
[11) Would you kiss me?]
[12) Would you make love to me?]
[13) Would you marry me?]
[14) Emotionally, what stands out?]
[15) Do you wish I was cooler?]
[16) On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?]
[17) Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. ]
[18) Am I loveable?]
[19) How long have you known me?]
[20) Describe me in one word.]
[21) What was your first impression? ]
[22) Do you still think that way about me now?]
[23) What do you think my weakness is?]
[24) Do you think I'll get married?]
[25) What about me makes you happy?]
[26) What about me makes you sad?]
[27) What reminds you of me?]
[28) What's something you would change about me? ]
[29) How well do you know me? ]
[30) Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? ]
[31) Do you think I would kill someone?]
[32) Are we close?]
[33) Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?]

Another thing that bothers me.
My friend Ariana is not comterable riding her bike to school yet. This is her first year in junior high so that's understandable. Zora however has gone to junior high for a year now, she like Ariana is in 7 th grade. Zora has bailed on Ariana a few times. Not only as in hasn't gotten up in the morning, bailed as in Zora has just taken off from school with out waiting for Ariana. Now I have a tendancy to be overprotective of people I care about, especially if they are younger than me. I'm very protective of Zora and Ariana. I also thought Zora was mature. Turns out I'm wrong and very dissapointed in her. However I'm now annoyed at Zora. I honestly did not think that she would do something like that. So, here I type, fighting the urge to call Zora and demand to know what the heck does she think she's doing. I'm also muttering under my breath. Can't understand why Zora would do such a thing. Really want to call her but Mom told me not to. Maybe I'll call or have some one with tact call and politely inquire about how riding to school with Ariana is working out. I have this strange deeling that if I do it I'll end up lecturing. Much better if Anna calls. Maybe I won't even let Anna know untill afterwards. So I'm going to end up riding to school with Ariana. I plan to be on time unless sometime comes up, then I'll see if I can't have someone else fill in. I really want to give Zora a lecture about depenability. I'll have to have it all planned out because Zora can argue well and still be wrong but I can't prove that she's wrong. That also bothers me.

Do you know what bothers me?
People who label themselves. It bothers me. I think it would be much better if instead of saying I'm a skater to say I skateboard. Also, I dislike it when people say I'm not a prep. Like prep is a bad thing. I dislike labels. After all it's what's on the inside that really matters. That's why I was nice to those cheerleaders (it also helped that I didn't realize she was a cheerleader before I saw her friends). There are some nice cheerleaders, and there are some that aren't so nice. But that is true with any group of people. There are some people that are horrible people and there are some really nice people and there are a lot of people in between.

  Why do boys think that crying and showing emotions in general makes you weak? Why is it that if some boy shows emotions he gets picked, singled out as a crybaby, a weakling. Why?

 Why do tears seem to be taboo? Why?

What's funny is that Kelaria told me to go away.
Ha! Like that'll work.
No thank I think I'll stay. Right here as a matter of fact.
And I'll stay loudingly.

Somebody bothered Stray...
Kelaria is bothering me. She is sooo upset over the 4 line image description limit. 4 lines. She has around 70. And what she has doesn't describe her image.

And she's now moaning about how 'beautiful ET is gone'
SUCK IT UP, GIRL. ET is not 'gone'Nothing's even permanent.

Put it in your house.

But no she moans the colors are wrong.

Fine don't change, But you'll get banned. And I'lll laugh.

Ooo. Look what I found in my message box today!

This thos are not your huskies!!!!! they are in the snow they are looking at the camerea and there are mountains in the back and plus it looks fake!!!!!! i have huskioes that are actually mine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Someone had the nerve to message me with this! I can beleive there is someone out there who is so paranoid as to message me with that! Why? What on earth is wrong with dogs that look at the camera? It's not like you have to be a professional to hold a bit of food in your hand and say their names. And I don't know about any body else, but have you ever taken a trip to the mountains and taken a few pictures?
I don't feel that it looks fake. But maybe that's just me.

Why would I up load a fake picture? For what reason? Does that person have no reasoning skills?


Message I sent back:
Yes those are my huskies. Yes they are in the snow. Yes they are looking at the camera. And yes those are in fact mountains in the back ground. And no it is not fake. I'm glad to hear that you too have huskies. That picture was taken on one of my dad's ski trips to the 3 sisters (a mountain range in Oregon).
If you feel that you need more proof then I will go scan more pictures of my dogs.
Also you mispelled those, failed to capitalize those, they, and I. Sentence two is a run on sentence and has far too many exclamation marks at the end. One is suffcient, dear. Huskies is misspelled. And once again you used way too many exclamation marks.


Then lookie what her friend sent me. Her friend that used her friends username. 

Ok, this is [Frog Freak]'s friend who happens to be the daughter of an ENGLISH TEACHER. I know for a fact that English doesn't matter on the internet. You stupid BITCH. Oh, I'm sorry, am I capitalizing everything? Is that against the rules? I'm sure you'd know ALL about the art of English, pending on you give off a negative vibe of...'stuck-up know-it-all'. Now I want you to do me a HUGE favor....Back off and get out of her face. She knows what she's talking about. Know, have a SUPERB day.


((BTW, I'm in the process of becoming a guard, watch yourself. :)

So I defend myself and in a fit of pique correct her grammar and spelling. And then she has one of her freinds message me using her username. What is with that girl. This bothers me. Also if her friend is becoming a guard don't guard's have to be unbiased and all?

I want to know why [Frog Freak]can't defend herself. And why [Frog Freak]'s friend didn't use her own username! This is bothering me.

I do NOT like to be called a liar ever! Especially when I'm not lying.

Note how I kept my temper, I have not sworn (I would like to but then I would be at their level), called anyone names, accused anyone of lying or faking art, I have not used anyone else's username, I have not gotten my friends involved, and I have not gotten my friends to abuse their postitions of authority.

I would like to hear the opinions of who ever is reading this.

I thought I broke or fractured my arm today, but I only badly strained a tenon and bruised it. I also got a really big scrape on my side, but I can only see half of it. I was trying to climb up a rock to jump off of and I sliped and crashed into a rock, hard. The I tried to do it again. I slipped but didn't get hurt. Then I tried it another way and got up. Then I jumped off the rock and climbed back up. And jumped iff again. Then my arm started to hurt. So we went to the emergency room. Where we waited (my arm had started to hurt a lot more by then), and waited, and then waited some more.
Fortunately it's only strained. So I can go and do other things that are dangerous and possibly life threatening.

The Dream:
I was at school walking to the bike racks. Anthony was there. I was walking with Vance and this other guy who was islamic and Turkey. The was stuff to do with the 8th grade picture that I have no recolection of taking. Then we were in the park. Vance and that other guy. That other guy had been going around telling people that he and his mates were going to fight Anthony. We were on the other side of the bridge waiting for him. THe other guy was determined to get Anthony. I kept crying that "He wasn't mean" They didn't listen to me. Then Anthony came and he started yelling at the other guy complaining that he had stayed after school to clear up matters because someone had said that he was going to fight someone else.
 I had control over what I was doing. Somehow I got a stick and whacked the other guy, who was on his bike, when he was going to hit Anthony. I screamed at Anthony to run. Then We were together at the exit. He ask Zora why she was there. We rode back to the school. I tried to ride through a very small space. JOe ran in to me, I yelled at him. Anthony made me tell him that I shouldn't have done that. He affects me that way. Then I was chasing Anthony as usuall trying to catch up. I woke up trembling with my body covered in sweat. It was 4:20 in the morning. After that I had trouble getting back to sleep.

REASONS WHY MY BAKINIS IS EVIL:
1 It's pink with flowers
2 It's not red, or anyother bright color
3 It makes be look REALY pale
4 It is not flattering to my stomach
5 It doesn't cover very much of me

~*~ Turns out that this was his idea of a joke. ~*~
The boy I like, Anthony, has decided to completely ignore me. Whenever I try to talk to him he ignores me and if Anna's with us then he says stuff like "Anna will you please inform Sara that..." He told me that he despises me and that I've bugged him, but he won't tell me what I've done wrong. I haven't bugged him since we came to the agreement that I wouldn't bug him if he wouldn't ignore me. He broke his part of the treaty, does that mean I get to break mine? Anna says that we should hint at that, but not do anything. She says that he could be mad about something we did before the agreement, but if that's true then why ignore only me? I said I was sorry and that he was right, what more does he want? And he won't tell me. All he says is that "I think you know what you did" And that's all I get from him. He said he hated me. I want to know what I did wrong, but he won't tell me. I'm thinking about calling him tonight but that would make him even more mad. I'm thinking about avioding him but that would never work. I'm considering ignoring him but he would LIKE that. I want to get his attention. I'm not going to go suicidail, I'm not the type, anyway dieing acomplishes nothing and it'll just hurt too many other people besides him, and I don't even want to hurt him just let him know how I feel. I might try cutting but I don't want scar and I don't want to clean up my blood or be asked questions about it by my parents. I've cut myself once, on my fingertips, but even then I used the blood in a picture of a girl crying tears od blood. I wouldn't harm another person just myself. I'm the type that would hit themselves and cause themselves pain, like cutting but without the mess. At the very least my artwork and poems are going to become very dark and depressing. I would never kill myself because of him, it would be so pointless, I am too young to kill myself because he's ignoring me. I'll be over by next year but right now it hurts. I feel like a mustang whose been captured and locked in a corral close to the mountain and all I want to do is fail and beat upon the fence and walls, but they're not really there, they only exist in my head and I think it'll drive me crazy if I let it, but I won't. I'm stronger than that.

I got in a fight today. In art this black girl sits near me and we've never been able to get along. I insulted Maryah and she took offense. She threatened to "whoop my ass" I told her that if we got in a fight, she would start it and I would win.

At lunch she triend to talk to me. I tried to avoid her, but she grabbed my back and I turned around and threw my applesuace at her. She hit my real hard on the back of the head. She was on top of my, I think I got her in the face because she let go of my real fast.

I got in a lot of truoble, though the funny thing is when I was in the office, these two boys had gotten in a fight with Nick Morris. They asked me why I was here. When I told them that I was got in a fight, one of them whipped around and his jaw dropped. Apparently I don't look like the sort to be in a fight. I have short hair, am tall and not chubby, have glasses, and I was acting very quiet and ashamed then.

My teachers are really disapointed in me.

One of my punishments is that I have to eat lasania for dinner (I HATE it).

I'm also suspened for 3 days.

Every one seems to be in couples. It's almost as bad as Valentine's Day. I even am starting to think of Anthony as a friend not a crush. Anna is so sure that she is in love with Dylan. Most friends have lovers already. And all the boys I look at are either boring on the inside but seem wonderfull, or won't look at me, or already have lovers.

Why are you crying?
You don't know do you?
You don't have a reason to cry?
So whay are you crying?
You just need to let go.


Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP! Cry quieter otherwise they'll hear you and ask you questions you can't answer. That you're afraid to answer.


Back to basics girl. Don't freak out. They aren't watching you. Not this time. Slowly at first then get speed. No ones perfect on the first try.

Why can't I cry pretty? Like girls are supposed. I go all red and blotching.
Why can't I be gracefull and only fall when someone will catch. I trip over my own two feet and other peoples feet.

What can't he love me? Why can't I not annoy him?

Why can't I be perfect

No ones ever perfect there's always some little flaw. They can seem perfect but they know that flaw. That fatal flaw. The one that makes them human. The one that only they know

Why do I have to have a reason? Why can I cry when I want to? Why do I have to let him go? Why can't I follow my heart? Why do I chicken out and get burned when if I just didr it I would be fine?

WHy can't this all make sence? Why do I have to spell and say things riht? Why? Why? Why?!


WHY DO I HAVE TO BE ME?

My friend died,
today.
Cut her wrists ,
And, flew,
Away.


Life to big a burden,
to bare.
Like she didn't even,
care.


Gone to Heaven,
on wings,
of blood.
To her death she,
sings.


Of a love forever,
lost.
To the cruel hands
it tossed.


NOTE: this is a poem based soley off of my imagination. I do NOT need idiots running around thinking that one of my friends died.

Why can't I stop thinking about him? I like someone else. Not him. He's nice and all but not the material of crushes, even mine. I can't like him. My God that sounds supiciously like denial. I can't like him, no not him. It's just because I'm lonely, desperate and my other crush is fading. My Goddess why does that sound like excuses. Frail paper excuses, even to my ears. No it can't be. It's not really, I just started thinking about him this way because he sits a across from me in Health class. And I look at him because if I look at Chris way in the back, he makes faces and then I laugh. But I can't. I just need something to dream to when I tried to stop thinking about the other him. Whom I think is cute, but the other-- No! This is not happening. This is impossible. Just because we share similar interests and are quite a like. We're both adopted, both have been teased, both are on Elftown. That doesn't mean I like him. No it doesn't. I'm just over reacting. Why do all my reasons ring like excuses in my ears? Why? Why me? And yet I wonder did I not bring this apon myself. But all those who I daydreamed about I did not like like them. They were only daydreams. Daydreams and nothing more. All thoughts of them came on my mind's command not my heart's. Why should he be different? Maybe he will be different. In fourth grade a rumor currculated that he liked me. I did not like him then. Nor do I now. Goddess that sounds like denial. God I wish he liked me now. Goddess I did not think that. God is this all pretend? Goddess is this just reality? God is this a pack of lies? Goddess is this the truth?

Are they blind?
Can they not see?

Or are they that unkind?
They walk away from me.

And towards her.
Whose body is her cage.

They are bitches, curs.
I screamed in helpless rage.

Valentine's Day.
Named after a saint. Supposed to be a day when you show the one you care about how much you love them. Hallmark seems to have turned it into Anti-Single-Person-Day. All people in couples, save for the few odd ones out. Left all alone. According to Hallmark, it's the day you're supposed to spent in love, buying chocolates and roses. So what do the single people do? Do they simply sit around, thinking of what the cuoples are doing? Wonder what it might be like on the other side/With some one to hold them tight/buy a rose for them/Chocolates for the single queen/on the Day for couples what a single girl to do? Anti Valentine's Day/ Day for the singles/Day for the weary the jaded and the played/ No couples beyond this point/Admittance is a broken heart apiece/Party for the singles and the misfits and the ones all alone on this day for two. Anti Valentine's Day.