~*~ Turns out that this was his idea of a joke. ~*~
The boy I like, Anthony, has decided to completely ignore me. Whenever I try to talk to him he ignores me and if Anna's with us then he says stuff like "Anna will you please inform Sara that..." He told me that he despises me and that I've bugged him, but he won't tell me what I've done wrong. I haven't bugged him since we came to the agreement that I wouldn't bug him if he wouldn't ignore me. He broke his part of the treaty, does that mean I get to break mine? Anna says that we should hint at that, but not do anything. She says that he could be mad about something we did before the agreement, but if that's true then why ignore only me? I said I was sorry and that he was right, what more does he want? And he won't tell me. All he says is that "I think you know what you did" And that's all I get from him. He said he hated me. I want to know what I did wrong, but he won't tell me. I'm thinking about calling him tonight but that would make him even more mad. I'm thinking about avioding him but that would never work. I'm considering ignoring him but he would LIKE that. I want to get his attention. I'm not going to go suicidail, I'm not the type, anyway dieing acomplishes nothing and it'll just hurt too many other people besides him, and I don't even want to hurt him just let him know how I feel. I might try cutting but I don't want scar and I don't want to clean up my blood or be asked questions about it by my parents. I've cut myself once, on my fingertips, but even then I used the blood in a picture of a girl crying tears od blood. I wouldn't harm another person just myself. I'm the type that would hit themselves and cause themselves pain, like cutting but without the mess. At the very least my artwork and poems are going to become very dark and depressing. I would never kill myself because of him, it would be so pointless, I am too young to kill myself because he's ignoring me. I'll be over by next year but right now it hurts. I feel like a mustang whose been captured and locked in a corral close to the mountain and all I want to do is fail and beat upon the fence and walls, but they're not really there, they only exist in my head and I think it'll drive me crazy if I let it, but I won't. I'm stronger than that.

I got in a fight today. In art this black girl sits near me and we've never been able to get along. I insulted Maryah and she took offense. She threatened to "whoop my ass" I told her that if we got in a fight, she would start it and I would win.

At lunch she triend to talk to me. I tried to avoid her, but she grabbed my back and I turned around and threw my applesuace at her. She hit my real hard on the back of the head. She was on top of my, I think I got her in the face because she let go of my real fast.

I got in a lot of truoble, though the funny thing is when I was in the office, these two boys had gotten in a fight with Nick Morris. They asked me why I was here. When I told them that I was got in a fight, one of them whipped around and his jaw dropped. Apparently I don't look like the sort to be in a fight. I have short hair, am tall and not chubby, have glasses, and I was acting very quiet and ashamed then.

My teachers are really disapointed in me.

One of my punishments is that I have to eat lasania for dinner (I HATE it).

I'm also suspened for 3 days.

Every one seems to be in couples. It's almost as bad as Valentine's Day. I even am starting to think of Anthony as a friend not a crush. Anna is so sure that she is in love with Dylan. Most friends have lovers already. And all the boys I look at are either boring on the inside but seem wonderfull, or won't look at me, or already have lovers.

Why are you crying?
You don't know do you?
You don't have a reason to cry?
So whay are you crying?
You just need to let go.


Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP! Cry quieter otherwise they'll hear you and ask you questions you can't answer. That you're afraid to answer.


Back to basics girl. Don't freak out. They aren't watching you. Not this time. Slowly at first then get speed. No ones perfect on the first try.

Why can't I cry pretty? Like girls are supposed. I go all red and blotching.
Why can't I be gracefull and only fall when someone will catch. I trip over my own two feet and other peoples feet.

What can't he love me? Why can't I not annoy him?

Why can't I be perfect

No ones ever perfect there's always some little flaw. They can seem perfect but they know that flaw. That fatal flaw. The one that makes them human. The one that only they know

Why do I have to have a reason? Why can I cry when I want to? Why do I have to let him go? Why can't I follow my heart? Why do I chicken out and get burned when if I just didr it I would be fine?

WHy can't this all make sence? Why do I have to spell and say things riht? Why? Why? Why?!


WHY DO I HAVE TO BE ME?

My friend died,
today.
Cut her wrists ,
And, flew,
Away.


Life to big a burden,
to bare.
Like she didn't even,
care.


Gone to Heaven,
on wings,
of blood.
To her death she,
sings.


Of a love forever,
lost.
To the cruel hands
it tossed.


NOTE: this is a poem based soley off of my imagination. I do NOT need idiots running around thinking that one of my friends died.

Why can't I stop thinking about him? I like someone else. Not him. He's nice and all but not the material of crushes, even mine. I can't like him. My God that sounds supiciously like denial. I can't like him, no not him. It's just because I'm lonely, desperate and my other crush is fading. My Goddess why does that sound like excuses. Frail paper excuses, even to my ears. No it can't be. It's not really, I just started thinking about him this way because he sits a across from me in Health class. And I look at him because if I look at Chris way in the back, he makes faces and then I laugh. But I can't. I just need something to dream to when I tried to stop thinking about the other him. Whom I think is cute, but the other-- No! This is not happening. This is impossible. Just because we share similar interests and are quite a like. We're both adopted, both have been teased, both are on Elftown. That doesn't mean I like him. No it doesn't. I'm just over reacting. Why do all my reasons ring like excuses in my ears? Why? Why me? And yet I wonder did I not bring this apon myself. But all those who I daydreamed about I did not like like them. They were only daydreams. Daydreams and nothing more. All thoughts of them came on my mind's command not my heart's. Why should he be different? Maybe he will be different. In fourth grade a rumor currculated that he liked me. I did not like him then. Nor do I now. Goddess that sounds like denial. God I wish he liked me now. Goddess I did not think that. God is this all pretend? Goddess is this just reality? God is this a pack of lies? Goddess is this the truth?

Are they blind?
Can they not see?

Or are they that unkind?
They walk away from me.

And towards her.
Whose body is her cage.

They are bitches, curs.
I screamed in helpless rage.

Valentine's Day.
Named after a saint. Supposed to be a day when you show the one you care about how much you love them. Hallmark seems to have turned it into Anti-Single-Person-Day. All people in couples, save for the few odd ones out. Left all alone. According to Hallmark, it's the day you're supposed to spent in love, buying chocolates and roses. So what do the single people do? Do they simply sit around, thinking of what the cuoples are doing? Wonder what it might be like on the other side/With some one to hold them tight/buy a rose for them/Chocolates for the single queen/on the Day for couples what a single girl to do? Anti Valentine's Day/ Day for the singles/Day for the weary the jaded and the played/ No couples beyond this point/Admittance is a broken heart apiece/Party for the singles and the misfits and the ones all alone on this day for two. Anti Valentine's Day.

Today Sarah Barron thought I was a Witch. She saw me reading a fictional book by Anne Bishop. And it was about witches or more accurately Wiccans because it refers quite often to the Wiccan creed (An' it harm none, do what you will). She told me she didn't want me reading that book if I thought I was a Witch. If I thought I was a Witch. She said that she would burn the book. This made Anna mad because it was her book. I told Sarah that the book was fiction. She asks if I was a Witch again. I told her no that I was not a Witch and I'm not, but I'm thinking about being a Wiccan. And even if I was a Wiccan I could've told her that I was not a Witch and still not be lying. Because a Witch is someone who casts spells, a Wicca or Wicce is someone who believes in a God and Goddess. Wiccans also view the ancient pagan gods and goddesses as facets of the God and Goddess. I doubt that Sarah Barron would understand the very subtle difference. I also think that she would claim that Wiccans worshipped the Devil or maybe not. I don't think she would take it that far. Someone else might though. My arfuement for worshipping the Devil is that you can't worship something that doesn't exist.