So much happened today.
On my walk home from school, this obese little grade 4 MacDonalds addict was staggering down the sidewalk near the local Elementary and as I passed the little fucker, my sense were assaulted by the most dense cloud of Pot stench I've ever experienced. And I lived with a Stoner and a Hippe! This little kid was High, staggering and only 5 minutes out of school? What the FUCK?

Then I'm walking up the street and notice another child, this one looking about the same age as the stoned little STD, and this kid was waring a spiked collar, a black shirt that went down to the back of his knees, and the brat was WACKING HIMSELF IN THE HEAD with a book every step he took! He kept looking ove rhis shoulder, then he'd continue walking... Step Step WACK step step WACK... ~Shakes his head~ I fear for the future of this species.

So something good did come from today though. I got my hair dyed black. The last part of my Vincent Costume. I'm going to wait until Haloween to put anything up in the Halloween Costume Competition 2004 though, as so many more pics will be taken at the party with and by my friends. Emily came over and did my prettyful hair. Now my God is the lord of darkness (I worship my hair incase you're totally unknowledgable about my lifestyle of weirdnes that only makes sense in my own head).

The bad part was, after I decided it was time to wash out the hair dye, I went inot the bathroom and Pulled the shower door OFF it's hinges and smacked myself in the face How it happened, I do not know. But I started swearing and staggering.
Emily: Oh come on it's not bleeding.
Me: ~Lookoing art bloody fingers~ Yes it is...

And then I look in the mirror as blood starts oozing down my nose from a cut on the bridge of my nose that looks like a sideways

H

So yeah, Massage school is going well so far. Tereminology week was fun, but now regular classes have started and more than half the class still don't hgave the text books due to really slow book store order arrivals. So we're already behind in work. It's alot of terminology, a brand new language that I have to learn and master. We dont' start clinical work with the public until second semester, which is in January, so I was bummed, thinking it'd be all book study! Blah!... And it is lot of book study stuff. I'm no good at taking notes. I need to recopy what I have , and it doesn't help that my organizational skills suck complete Donkey Balls.
I have made some friends and aquaintances, taken the roll of class clown, and am sometimes refered to as "The giant dude with the ponytail". T'is a good thing we all get aloing so well in the class. I'm one of the two guys in my class, the other being a hillbilly with a stutter. This Friday, we'll be practicing massage on our fellow classmates. Which means shorts and bras off (Maybe I just won't wear a bra, I'm not sure), lay on the massage table (We practiced setting up the tables today All sheets and the table must be washed before they can be used again. The sheets and pillowcases go in the laundry, the table is soaped down), and then we take turns practicing massage techniques. ... .. .. .... We did normal Sit down massages with shirts on and... how do I describe it... I could smell the "excitment" in the room. And it didn't help that the room was hot. So yeah, after I done with Cheryn, I left the room to get some air. I think I might need to get a jock to avoid embarassment.

Halloween Rant

Alright. Lets' tally up this weeks baddness so far:
Monday, Em loses her kitty,
Tuesday, My parents lose their Jobs
Wednesday, A new Co-worker is drugged at a party and has no clue if she got raped or not.

Just a fleeting thought... I'm told time and time again to Grow Up, Stop Being Immature, Act Your Age, Stop Acting Like A Child...

But when I ask "How Should I Act?" I'm never given an answer. I'm told how NOT to act, but never how to act. And if ever there is a result, it's very vague like "More Mature". What ever that means. Looking around, people my age seem to be out getting stoned, drunk, going to parties, geting pregnant or getting someone pregnant, getting into fights and other forms of crime. That's how I'm supposed to act? They think that's better than sword fighting, playing on a jungle gym, and generally goofing off and forgetting momentarily that I have a job, my own place and reponsabilities. Oh it's such a crime. Having fun on my own terms, nobody elses. Honestly, the majority of "Mature" people are very boring. Sure they might enjoy what they do, and have their own ideas about fun, but those aren't mine. I won't base my opinions, feelings and actions on others. My life is my own. I'm not out to destroy the world with baggy pants and a foam padded stick. I've got so many comebacks for the whole "Grow Up" speech.

- "Alright... act grown up... uuum... How are you doing in the stock market?"
- "Alright sir. I will go act my age and to proove this, I shall knock up your daughter while she's drunk and half passed out." (Then I'd run away very fast, being glad fr my super long legs)
- "I tried that once, but then I fell asleep from bordum."
- "If that's the way it is, I'll just move to Never Never Land!"
- "Um... I don't think I need to grow any more!"
- "Why don't you try growing down?"
- "How about we strike a mature deal, you ignore me, like I intend to ignore you!"

Blah. I'm sick of being told how to act. I'm mature. I just have a sense of humor and energy to spare that seems to have been dumbed (And I stress the DUMB part) down by society these days. Society can suck my left nut then stick my right one up it's nose. Nobody is getting hurt, nobody is being forced to pay attention to me, Nobody is beinf forced at gun point to join in. Leave me be, I'll enjoy my youth for as long as I can while you go sit in a rocking chair in a plaid flannel shirt and overalls grummbling about everything instead of doing anything. Life is the longest fecking thing there is, and there's no sence acting like you're 80 before you even hit middle age!

My rant is done. Until next time.

Never in my life

Wednesday Night, August 18 to 19

Whew. Where to start. Long and very boring day at work. then I got off work and went to the Doller Store. And to begin the night with a bang and a buzz, I decided to suck down a few lung fulls of Helium!!! So I asked the girl at the counter, she said she didnt' care and so I went around squeaking at people. Joel, Willie and Ryan showed up around 8 and just as we met, a tiny BAT went flying past us. Me, completly not thinking, took off chasing the baby bat around the mall food court and loby area. I discarded my bookbag and then kept up the chase until Security yelled at me. ... mean security. I'm starting to not like the mall security guys. Anyways, After demonstrating the Helium game, Joel got food, we did stuff in Walmart, nothing spectacular, and headed back to my place so I could change and get food for muh belly. I ate a poptart and that's about it. We piled up the Boffering weapons (Padded sticks representing Mace, Spear, and a few lengths of swords) and headed down to the park. We played Football for awhile, tossing around Willie's ball until we all conceided that wre didn't have game. I picked up the weapons and started attacking Ryan until he finally agreed to play. And from there, Joel got involved, even challenging me to some short fights on the Balance Beam. Even Willie got in on the action for a little while. Despite people present, we managed some good fights. Ryan and I going Staff (Ryan) to Mace (Me) untilI decided that the Mace was useless against a staff and took my try and dual-weilding a 2 foot sword and a 3 foot sword. I did better, but Ryan is still really good with the staff. Probably because it had less padding and struck hard on the knuckles.
We decided to have a trade off fight where two people would fight and then when someone would lose, they would call in the next person in line. Ryan lasted through 4 fights before he was taken down. We killed eachother multiple times, I even have a few scratches on my shoulder. One memorable fight was me with my two sword combo and him with his favored staff. He got me right in the neck just as I drove the longer sword into his stomach. Being the dramatic guy I am, I rolled backwards and kept rolling, inadvertently landing on a bunch of sharp rocks. After we got tired of 1 on 1, it became Joel vs Ryan vs Joey in an all out fight. After 10 minutes of stand offs and remaining dead for the count of 10, the final fight ended when I turned my back on Joel to finish Ryan and Joel got me with the long sword. Then it was an attempted beat down of Willie.
We figured our sore and bruised hands needed a rest so we packed up the weapons and Willie's ball (teehee) in Joel's car and went walking. Stopping in to see Andrew (Strat's Roster) at Tim Hortons just as it was closing and got some food then headed down some dark streets until we found outselves at a Co-workers place. Stopped in to say Hi, I fixed her MSN, then we left. Shortly after, we found a Shopping cart and proceeded to lug it around for a good 45 minutes. We took it along a gravel walking trail and guess caught the attention of a man in a blue shirt because he kept appearing along the trail, and on the train bridge that was converted into a walking bridge. HE watcvhed us, left, showed up again, watched, left and then, after he disappeared again, we, all of us, dumped the shopping cart over the side of the bridge. The splash was awsome, and after listening, I even heard the clank as the cart hit the bottom of the river. Either it was a shallow area or the clank was really loud!
We headed back down the bridge and the dude in the blue shirt was leaning on the edge and asked us if we threw the cart over the edge. I mummbled maybe and shrugged, while the others said "Nah". Honestly, I think he was a memebr of the bridge patrol. So when he asked where we left the cart, we said it was at the othert end of the bridge. I did mention it would have made an awsome splash. Then the guy asked if we threw anyone over in it and we quickly asked "Why would we throw anyone over the edge in a cart?" Then it turned to jokes about throwing Ryan in the river as we walked away laughing at the silly notion of throwing the cart over the edge. As we left the light bridge trail, we saw him heading towards where we'd come from. We headed up to a different street and walked past Willie's art school, and there was this one strip of the street that was lined with Taxi's and bar activity. Then it was silent again as we made it past and went ot an irving where the usual guy who works there every weeknight was ricking out quite unashamed to Linkin Park - Faint, on the other side of the counter. We got some food to fill our bellies, headed back to the park and sat by the wading pool and talked about prom and Willie and Ryans told stories from pit parties. We didn't leave the park until about 3am. Then I was dropped off at home.

I was and still am so stiff from the beating and the walking. It was so worth it. I had to go to canadian Tire and get more insulation to pad up the weapons since we'd beat them up so badly, the duct tape was ripping and the padding was either crushed flat or torn apart. I can't wait for the next time!

Most Disturbing Dream I've Ever Had
And keep in mind i've had some pretty disturbing dreams!

:::
People Mentioned appear in Strat's Roster

The dream starts from where it's relivant with me walking home from highschool through the Elementary school. I see Joel playing in the jungle gym and walk past him with just a wave. As I get to the trail between the school woods and the houses, I notice Adam and Emily walking up the street beyond the houses, the hill I usualy walked up to get home and Adam looks like he's licking the back of Emily's neck and she doesn't look to be enjoying it. Then I hear Ryans voice and notice he's walking with them and Adam's looking pissed off so I hollar for Joel and we both run down the cement stairs to meet them at the top of the hill. Emily looks really troubled. I ask whats wrong and Adam starts yelling something about Emily being his fiancee. Everything kinda went in slow motion from there. I walked up, slowly towards Em until she nervously giggled and asked what. I asked if it was True while Joel and Ryan stood behind me and Adam walked off on his own. She told me she had said yes but looked on the verge of tears so I know it wasn't her decision. Then Adam yelled "Is it a Boy or a Girl Emily?!" with wayto much evil glee in his voice. I told Joel and ryan to get Emily to my place and we all took off running. Adam was prettyfar behind, and kept yelling stuff about the baby and his fiancee. Then he started giving chase down the street towards the path to my place. I ducked into some flower bushes lining the hill of a persons yard and tripped, Adam ducked into the bushes too and looked at me with an evil grin like yhe was about to charge me. I managed to regain my composure and ran down the trail but there were obsticles along the trail and I finally made it to my yard after getting knocked around by pieces of wood and jutting pieces of fence. I ran down my back yard and into my house but nobody was there so I instantly thought they must be at Kents. I didn't even look behind me and ran through another backyard trail to get to Kents but there was a fence door in the way so I had to detour around. Adam pulled out some keys and started opening the fence door while I wason the sidewalk going so fast I had to grab a light poll to change my dorection with the swing and slipped on it. I made it into Kents house before Adam and ran down stairs but nobody was there. Emily's mom was in the ktichen which looked like Kents normal kitchen but it was decorated more like Joel's house. I asked her where Emily was and she said everyone was in her room at the end of the hall. I asked if I could lock Adam out and she said Yes, so I did then she said No so I unlocked it just as he burst through the door. I raced down the hall and woke up just before getting into Emily's room where I could make out the details of Willie and Joel's shadows and hear Ryans voice. The dream was so real feeling, I woke up breathing really hard and couldn't get back to sleep.

Joey

The following is a rant I submitted to http://whostolemymilk.com

Rich Ass

It was my first year living out, I was in a 4 bedroom bording house living with a guy I knew from Highschool though he was a year ahead of me, a girl who was never around and returned only to feed her white rat, and this rich asshole. First day he moved in I ddn't like him. He spent the first night listening to full blast gangster rap until the land lord came down and told him to shut it down. Every night this happened! He's leave piles of dirty dishes all over the kitchen in plastic grocerie bags and leave notes like "This place is a mess, you guys should clean it up".

Things got even worse when he snagged himself a girlfriend. She was over at least 4 nights a week and even though there was a bathroom between his bedrom and mine, I could hear the skin slapping and the noises she made can only be compared to a mentally ill turkey. I couldn't tell if she was enjoying herself or laughing her ass off, but it was the sound that would be heard all night and even in the day time while I was trying to cook. They had no concideraton for any of us. I'd have 20 minutes before I had to go to work and they would decide to take an hour long shower together.

Also he was a resources hog. He'd go through 3 toilet paper rolls a week and leave them scattered everywheres BUT in the waste basket. He'd never replace the toilet paper and there was black pubic hair all over the place. He was the onyl one in the basement with black hair. He also left notses demanding that Colin, the guy form my highschool, and I clean the bathroom because it was a disgusting mess. He never touched it once. The only time I saw the bathroom cleaned by anyone other than Me or Colin, was when his family came and it was not Him who cleaned the bathroom but his brother and sister.

This guy, though hailing from Vancouver and not having the least bit of an accent, was Indian in race, not that I hold that against him, but he liked making these Indian dishes loaded with Curry that would stnk up the entire basement for three full days. The land lady couldn't stand the smell of i either and multiple times had to tell him that he couldn't cook it.

I assume his parents were rich because he was always talking on his Cel Phone, had the newest most expensive Hockey equipment and stereo system and lap top. Never once did I see him touch his hockey equipment. I think he had to replace his expensive speakers 3 times since from 10am until 11pm, he's be blasting the same rap CD on full blast even when he was in the shower so he could hear it.

Finally, I got fed up and I believe this could very well be the grossest thing I ever did in my entire life but it was worth it. For a week, I jacked off into a bottle and kept it in the freezer. When I figured I had enough, I dumped the foul smelling gag inducing liquid into his shampoo and shook it up. The double wammy was later on, him and his girlfriend decided to take one of their hour long noisy showers. I have no regrets. But in the end I think he got the final laugh... as he left me to pay his part of the Cable bill which he hadn't put in his share for three months... And I couldn't stop him since he moved out in the middle of the night without warning.

Sooooooo hunger finaly overcame me and I went to the living room where Jessica, the new roomie told me her Cable doesn't work. I forgot that it didn't work for the last roomie who had that room, Paul, and spent a good 20 minutes getting electricuted and such trying to fix the TV. I went over some of the routines of the basementwith her and told her I spend most of my time in my rom so I'm not likely to be seen unless cooking or going to work. Sjhe told me that Scott ahd already informed her of this because she'd asked him if I was avoiding her....
Of all the insults.. how could she think I'd avoid her?! ...

I feel like a jerk.

Sooo... I have a new roomie here in the basement and already I don't like her. ... Small things that rub me the wrong way... like taking up HALF the fridge space with her stuff (She is a very large girl but that's beside the point). Scott and I have all our stuff seperated anr organized. I l;ook in the fridge and her stuff is everywherre. Huge bags of Coffe cream stuff in with my eggs and butter, containers and bags of other stuff in the crispers, shoved in the door... It's going to be impossible to tell anything apart... now, I admit I'm a slob, but I'm an organized one. I know where everything of mine is even when my room is a disaster area... but when it comes to food, I don't wanna have to go digging through soemone elses Pasta Salade to get to the little tub of margerine.....

So all in all, this is a bad first impression... she also locked the bathroom door and left (The bathroom has two doors. One that leads into the hallway and another into her room) She left, locked her door and the bathroom door.... Grrrrrrrrr.... Order will be restored oh yes... it will be restored... Few things are worse than living with someone you don't get along with... And I knwo what you're thinking. "Give her a chance to settle in" and I agree. I will... but for now... I will continue to have anger and wish queen spider poop upon her... and her huge collection of Coffee Cream cups she's got taking up mostof the fridge...
Update:
Oh Gods.. What stench demon did she just unleash in the bathroom?! ~Gags and dies~ It's horrible! Not even Ryan has ever unleashged something so foul and he's claimed the rights to The King of Cut Cheese, and I personally gave him the title of Sultan of Stench... but this... this new evil... must be destroyed with fire!
Update 2:
She's one of those people... the type that have to listen to everything so loud it can be heard through the rest of the house... I was in the kitchen cooking and I could hear her watching television over the sizzle of my sausage!
Update 3:
I went into the kitchen and found a garbage bag sitting on the floor... and the carbage can, FULL TO OVERFLOWING with NO bag in it... And she has her own TV in her room as I mentioned, yet she's hogging the Living room TV and watching CMT... that stands for Country Music Television...

Popular Sayings I Could Die Happy If I Never Heard Again

Sic (Sick) - ie. "That Move Is So Sic". Suuuuure you can spell it different. But When I hear someone is doing something "Sick", I picture people eating their own feces or something of the sort, not jumping over railings on a skateboard or bike. Sure the fall and inevitable cracked skull or fractured arm might fit the description but Sick implies something being bad. I don't enjoy being Sick.

The Shit ie. "That's The Shit! ...... . .... In an actual encounter with someone who thought this was a good cmpliment, he was going on about how DMX was the Shit... This is the conversation that followed:
Asshole: Man, I love DMX. His music is the Shit!
Me: ... And that's supposed to be a compliment? How is being compared to shit a good thing?
Asshole: I'm not comparing him to Shit, I'm saying he's the Shit!
Me: There's a dofference? Shit is gross and foul smelling. Woudl you want someone calling you shit?
Asshole: Not Shit man! The Shit! You're fucking stupid.

Luckily the class was ending. I felt a little bit dumber having participated in that discussion.

Bitch Nigga ie. "Whats up muh bitch nigga!? .... This phrase especially pisses me off when being used by kids in Middle School. Where the hell did this reference come from? If I see one more white kid walking with his arms flopping around like a chimpanzee flipping gang signs at 13 year old bimbos, I'm gonna go on a crobar spree... It doesn't sound intelligent! Or even better. A very large violent black man to be standing behind one of these kids when they spew forth the phrase!

... I am bitter.... so bitter...

 

Greetings and salutations and many more to come, I assure you... Just need to clarify that as this entry may scare a few. For all the lectures on being mature, all the ranting I do about the stupidity of others, I admit I do stupid stuff too. Harmful stuff. Never drugs or that kind of thing. I'm the type of person that wants to see results now. So when I want to punish myself, I do it with the medium I love the best. Fire and Metal. I guess it stems from my childhood. I wasn't abused. If anything I was sheltered and tought about the wrongs of putting myself in dangerous situations. I was a child of the belt. I messed up, I'd get strapped across the ass. But my dad would always come in and tell me he loved me, and he didn't want to hurt me but he wanted to make sure I realized that I could have been hurt. I have no resentment for this. Only that I think I ended up being programed only to understand pain as a way of learning. Though not often practiced, it comes up from time to time when I'm feeling angry at everyone and myself. But another part of my mental programming is that I don't want to hurt anyone. Better me than them. I've even recieved cuts, bruises and scrapes from trying to protect worthless items, putting myself in harms way. Once again, the pain is mine and mine alone no matter what. Go ahead and scold me. Won't change anything.

Pain is temporary, Cuts heal, Bruises fade, Scars are but a memory of pain survived. And I live on.

Sometimes I intentionally go seeking things that I know will hurt me, if only to appease the thoughts in my head. I like to know things, good or bad, because it helps me make sense of the things I see around me. I'm not someone to just sit by and be ignorant to my surroundings. That's dangerous. Not checking the map before going hiking in a rocky region can send you falling over a cliff. I'll not be unprepared for the future. It happened to me once. I thought my plans were set in stone and then it was over. I lost my inspiration and dropped out of graphic art school. I just discontinued my life and I wont' let it happen again after I've spent over a year rebuilding myself. Occasionally I stray, feel some familiar pain but that's because I'm punishing myself for my own stupidity. I still love myself and don't want myself to get hurt alot, so I hurt myself a little. Hell I even try to be there for my friends when they need me but so far, they've either not needed me, or neveer thought or wanted to come to me. Honest to goodness truth: Being told something to my face, having someone there to stop me in the few minutes it takes to give myself a few nasty cuts, can make all the difference in how I take things. Finding out things on my one, all alone, there's nobody there to stop me but my will power. Which I might add has become alot stronger sicne the 40 days and nights. As I sit here, I'm kinda tempted just to play with my knife, not hurt myself, bleeder only hurt me accidently while triming candle wicks and cutting hockey tape... It's the kitchen knives that like the taste of blood. But I'm not going to touch my pointy objects or my penis shaped blow torch (Don't ask). I'll just sit here and wonder when would be a good time to sit face to face and Calmly talk it out with the people I need to have talk to me. I say that because I give out the aspects of my life freely hoping others will do the same with me. Some do, Some Don't. The Don'ts should. It would help me out alot.

In conclusion: Willie will never know that his hand and my nuts were in contact with eachother since the damned wanker was sleeping with hsi hand at the right hight for me to put them there. Ha Ha.

This rant (Plea?) only took 20 minutes. Woah.

I don't usually do this Lyrics thing but these are just to frighteningly accurate to how I've been for the past couple of weeks.. All songs are by Flaw

"Medicate"

I've been lying awake at night
I've been hoping that I'm alright
I've been winding myself too tight
Wondering if i will sleep tonight
Never thought things would get like this
Always hoping that they'd work out
Now I seem to be filled with doubt

I cannot stop this ride
Im growing cold inside
I shouldn't let it slide
Will sickness be mind

This should not be my weight to bear
Go on acting like I don't care
Stop this high-I wouldn't dare
I have earned and deserve my share
Things like this happen every day
While im in there I feel okay
But you say I should get away
Let me got for just one more day

Ive got to medicate myself,
Im not concerned about my health
It covers up what ive been dealt, it seems the only way
Ive got to medicate myself, its been the only thing that helped
Must cover up what I have felt, it seems the only way

Sickness is mine, sickness is mine, sickness is mine




"Recognize"

Well I've had enough of these selfish cries.
I hurt myself again not knowing why.
It seems so easy to leave it all behind,
And avoid the truth.
I think I'd rather just go blind.

Then everything erupts;
My life has come unglued.
And the ties that bind have left me.
What am I to do?

Can't seem to recognize that stare behind those eyes.
Who is this man I see who's looking back at me?
Can't focus through the pain, and I am fading into nothing.
The reflection must get clearer.

I think I'm cracking up, like I've lost my mind.
I hurt myself again. Still don't know why.
I end up the same way each and every time.
Can't avoid the truth. There's just nowhere to run and hide.

Then everything erupts, just like I knew it would.
Been down here long enough.
It never felt that good.
Is this what I've become?
My life has come unglued.
And the ties that bind have left me.
What am I to do?

Can't seem to recognize that stare behind those eyes.
Who is this man I see who's looking back at me?
Can't focus through the pain, and I am fading into nothing.
The reflection must get clearer than it appears to be right now.

There must be someone I can see.
There's gotta be something for me.
Show it now. Let it go free.
I know it's there, waiting on me.
Let it out. Let it go free.

Can't seem to recognize that stare behind those eyes.
Who is this man I see who's looking back at me?
Can't focus through the pain, and I am fading into nothing.
The reflection must get clearer.

Can't seem to recognize.
Can't seem to recognize.
The reflection must get clearer.


Now I'm going to bed

I don't usually do this Lyrics thing but these are just to frighteningly accurate to how I've been for the past couple of weeks.. All songs are by Flaw

"Medicate"

I've been lying awake at night
I've been hoping that I'm alright
I've been winding myself too tight
Wondering if I will sleep tonight
Never thought things would get like this
Always hoping that they'd work out
Still ingesting the wrong amount
Now I seem to be filled with doubt

I cannot stop this ride
I'm growing cold inside
I shouldn't let it slide
Will sickness be mind

This should not be my weight to bear
Go on acting like I don't care
Stop this high-I wouldn't dare
I have earned and deserve my share
Things like this happen every day
While I'm in there I feel okay
But you say I should get away
Let me got for just one more day

I've got to medicate myself,
I'm not concerned about my health
It covers up what ive been dealt, it seems the only way
Ive got to medicate myself,
It's been the only thing that helped
Must cover up what I have felt, it seems the only way

Sickness is mine, sickness is mine, sickness is mine




"Recognize"

Well I've had enough
Of these selfish crimes
I hurt myself again
Not knowing why
It seems so easy
To leave it all behind
And avoid the truth I think I'd rather just go blind

Then everything erupts
My life has come unglued
And the ties that bind have left me
What am I to do?

Can't seem to recognize
That stare behing those eyes
Who is this man I see?
Whos looking back at me?
Can't focus through the grey
And I am fading into nothing
The reflection must get clearer

I think im cracking up
Like I've lost my mind
I hurt myself again
Still dont know why
I end up the same way
Each and every time
I cant avoid the truth
Theres just nowhere to run and hide

Can't seem to recognize
That stare behing those eyes
Who is this man I see?
Who's looking back at me?
Cant focus through the grey
And I am fading into nothing
The reflection must get clearer than it appears to be right now

There must be somone I can see....
There's gotta be something for me
Show it now, let it go free
I know its there waiting on me
Let it out, let it go free

Cant seem to recognize
That stare behing those eyes
Who is this man I see?
Whos looking back at me?
Cant focus through the grey
And I am fading into nothing
The reflection must get clearer


Now I'm going to bed

Pssht... I thought I'd look at my entries I wrote last night and regret them.. but the thoughts hold truth to them... I'm getting to paranoid. I'm not sure if it's the 40 or if it's the isolation.... either way, I healed over night as I figured I would All that's left are long scabed over scratches, a little knife burn and a blister... ~Shrugs~ I've done worse to myself. I'll heal as usual. Not a pleasent day at work. My shoulder felt like it was on fire. Plus it was very boring at work. I showed the Co-worker I mentioned two entries ago the cuts on my arm, simply to show her that even though I can hide my emotions, it's not so easy to hide what those emotions do to me. She had an hour until work, I was gettng off so we went to MacDonalds. I kept telling her I didn't need anything and she went and bought me a happy meal. .... grr... I'll have to sneak 5 dollars into her purse someday. But yeah, we had some discussions, says her boyfriend might have mono and thus she miht be getting it to. I don't believe that's all their is but she'll tell me. I shared with her what I thoguht was an equal portion of what drive me to do some of the things I do to myself. I told her not to worry about me though. I hate when people worry about me. I figure if I'm still alive and not perminently crippled, I'm concidered fine and dandy no matter how beat up I am. Thus my work day ended.

Here I sit... 10 minutes after writing that last entry... I'm bleeding... I'm bleeding and the sweat stings... lies.. all lies... predictions true, unfolding, truths told and fears proven... i'm not dieing... I don't want to die... i'm not done with this world yet.. but I do wish to hurt... take some of the focus off the beating of my head and my heart... both feeling as though they will explode... so i'm bleeding... .... it's been almost a year... I thoughts I had gotten over it all... i'm so weak willed and ... no... i want this.. I need this... let it be seen I'll wear my cuts because i need to see them for myself to remember why I exist... I tend to forget at times ... i need to live because if I die then ... .... words fail me...memmory fails me. I'm going to go wash up... I need to wash my face with some cold water. this physical pain doesn't cause my tears... it's what's happening in my head...
Don't worry about me... I worry about myself enough for the entire world.. truth be told if ever allowed out of my cage I would kill someone... but not myself. I don't desirve this... can't see through the water in my eyes... tomorrow is going to be painful and the weekend will be murder... i have to continue... I believe that much to be true in all the falseness around me....

I should be going to bed now since I open the store in the morning... but I need to get some things off my shoulders without actualy making much sense to anyone but me. I don't know if I concider it self mutilation or not because it's all emotional... but I'm so good at finding loopholes in safeguards put up to keep me from getting hurt... and now I know the truth. I know ... everything. I'll sink away. It's all so clear to me now... I joke around and never know when I'm going to far because nobody tells me. I don't know my limits. Now I know the limits of others. I'll stop. I'll stop being that... idiot I am. I'll stop playing the clown. I won't play the mope though. One is to many as is... just allow me my silence, allow me my solitude and I'll not touch you and rarely speak... everything I do to others is like acid to flesh... my predictions were wrong... it burns but relieves me at the same time... given time the silence will be broken and courage will be found by others and then I'll be trampled down so I'm going to disappear into myself for some time and try to stitch myself back together. .... this makes so much sense to me now... I just wish it had sooner... Some poeple are just so easy to read... I can call peoples bluffs and proven it by steppin right up to a co-worker who was acting much to cheerful, looked her straight in the eye and said "You're hiding something that's eating you inside and you're going to tell me what it is." Of course she got creeped out and confessed to some... rather disturbing things that had happened to her the night before... but those closest to me, I can't read... So much coudl have ben avoided. ... time to go now. I have to re-organize myself... and figure out how to explain this when the time comes. I mentally kill myself every night and every waking hour I'm kicking my own ass and now I feel I need to do it a little more while wearing my mask. I'm good at wearing a mask I think... either nobody notices it or they notice it but don't ask about it... either way I'm left alone behind it, either way I lose.
....
fuck it. i'm tired...

40 Days & Nights (What Have I Started?!)