I should be going to bed now since I open the store in the morning... but I need to get some things off my shoulders without actualy making much sense to anyone but me. I don't know if I concider it self mutilation or not because it's all emotional... but I'm so good at finding loopholes in safeguards put up to keep me from getting hurt... and now I know the truth. I know ... everything. I'll sink away. It's all so clear to me now... I joke around and never know when I'm going to far because nobody tells me. I don't know my limits. Now I know the limits of others. I'll stop. I'll stop being that... idiot I am. I'll stop playing the clown. I won't play the mope though. One is to many as is... just allow me my silence, allow me my solitude and I'll not touch you and rarely speak... everything I do to others is like acid to flesh... my predictions were wrong... it burns but relieves me at the same time... given time the silence will be broken and courage will be found by others and then I'll be trampled down so I'm going to disappear into myself for some time and try to stitch myself back together. .... this makes so much sense to me now... I just wish it had sooner... Some poeple are just so easy to read... I can call peoples bluffs and proven it by steppin right up to a co-worker who was acting much to cheerful, looked her straight in the eye and said "You're hiding something that's eating you inside and you're going to tell me what it is." Of course she got creeped out and confessed to some... rather disturbing things that had happened to her the night before... but those closest to me, I can't read... So much coudl have ben avoided. ... time to go now. I have to re-organize myself... and figure out how to explain this when the time comes. I mentally kill myself every night and every waking hour I'm kicking my own ass and now I feel I need to do it a little more while wearing my mask. I'm good at wearing a mask I think... either nobody notices it or they notice it but don't ask about it... either way I'm left alone behind it, either way I lose.
....
fuck it. i'm tired...

40 Days & Nights (What Have I Started?!)

Holy Shiteburger... I'm writing a "My Day" entry! Head for the hills!!!

I woke up at the bright and early hour of 7:45AM, ready to face the world!!!!... and then went back to sleep 2 minutes later... then I finally woke up at the reasonable hour of 1:00PM. Such a productive lad I am. I got dressed, burned a CD to keep me occupied on my planned treck from my home to the other side of the city. I need a clean bill of health to get into the Massage School I'm applying for and my family doctor is booked for a full month. So I had to go to the the other side of the city to see a doctor and have him write me up a note saying I have nothing contagious and I'm not a mental pervert. I know I'm halthy burt it's gonna take alot of acting on my part to pass the second test. So to do all this, it would mean walking for about 3 hours. The weather was nuts. It was chilly looking with clouds and even thunder cloud looking ones across the river so I dressed in layers. Leather Jacket, T-shirt and Undershirt. Made it to the bottom of the hill, 1/5th of the distance I ahd to go and took off my jacket. Then I walked through the city looking for a faster ruite to the bridge. I started feeling lazy so I stopped at the Massage School and asked if I could just hand in my application and get my doctors not to them at a later date and just hand in the rest of my things. They said yes so I kicked myself for not having all of my info with me but I had no plans of actually visitng the school today. I got a new application forum and haded across the street to the computer graphics school I'd been accepted to two years ago and ran into Willie who was heading outon break before Life Drawing (He said the Mountain Man was posing which he tells me is a big hairy nude male model. I'll be seeing pictures of this some day he tells me. So I left him to his break and roamed the city. Went ot the local Comic shop, checkied prices on the 3.5 D&D DM's guide, then bought a pencil sharpener in the nearby art shop. Then on my way hme I took a detour through the park. It was full of screechy little kids and parents who looked at me like I was a threat to their children. Silly parents. I'm not a threat to them until they turn into hoodlum shoplifters. I took off my t-shirt as the thunder clouds seemed to ahve vanished and then took the nature trail home. It was all up hill and I almost stepped on an unsuspecting chipmonk. I can't believe he didn't move until just as my foot was comming down. I made it home and realized I had only been gone for 2 hours. I can't believe it. All that and I'd only used 2 hours of my day. Oh well. I'll intertain myself with reading some smut I wrote back in grade 11. It's hilarious... and no I won't share!!!!

Sooo... my problem goes as this. There is a female. 16 I believe her to be. She's overly hyper, overly touchy feely, yet has a major crush on me and constantly inquires as to my dating status which I, as a broken record, tell her I dont' date because I dont' have the time, money, energy, blah blah blah lies lies lies. All that just to get her off my back. Maybe it's the stress talking but I was honestly concidering saying right out to her "Look, if you wanna fuck me, that's fine, but the rules are as such: Afterwards you pretend I don't exist and I'll do the same." Now, I know this may sound heartless but I'll make up for this now. There can be Love without Sex, but to me, there cant' be sex without love. And if somehow there is... well then I call to pieces, slip into myself and kick the living dead out of myself for dropping my guard, letting myself give in to something I didn't want or need. So in the end, I completly put aside the thought of giving in to this child. For one she shows a fondness for marijuana items sold at my store which is an instant turn off. Secondly she throws herself at me like a 13 year old to a backstreet boy back when they were popular. Thirdly, she tries way to hard to look like one of those "I crawled out of a dumpster" type punks.
I'm not much for the casual flings. I've tried before. Now even eye contact with the person makes me nervous and feel like running and I dont' like feeling that. And most of you are probably thinking I should just tell the truth but it's not that easy for me because I don't know the truth. Simply the fact that I know I'd feel uncomfortable and possibly even miserable for giving in to that sort of thing again. Kinda dissapointed that I spent an hour dwelling on the pros aned cons. I think the girls from work are right. I need to get laid.... No. I don't let anyone short of a doctor tell me what I need and only if my life depends on it. Sex doesn't rule my life. Sure I enjoy it but it's not one of my needs. I need food, water, shelter, money and communication. Intertainment comes last and there are so many forms of it out there for me. I dont' know why this bothers me so much. I've been told by a friend I should just go through with it but lay down the rules before hand. That won't change anything in my mind. It'll just add another deed to my list of "Things I realy regret."

But I've done nothing to regret... I just thought I'd leave this here to remind myself later on down the road that I can be strong and stick to my guns. Set your own path, live your own life. If your conscience says don't do it, it's probably right.

I'm tired... which means the part of my brain that usually keps me logical is down for the night and the inhibitions take over. Sure they are more articulate than the 12 year old I act like around my friends or the angry ranting psychopath after a hard days work, but this side of me is just as eaquay harmful as I don't feel like not mentioning some things. It's like smokers... they know they shouldn't (Most of them) but they cant' help it. That's pretty how it goes here. I probably shouldn't be typing in this frame of mind but I can't help it. Since this entry is about lack of sleep.
I love to sleep. I love being asleep. I love the dreams I have, always running, being chased, free or hunted, either way I love escaping reality through imagination. It gives me a break from the ordinary. I could be running from some powerful horror movie type creature that can pop up out of nowhere and take any form, or be running through fields as the sun sets with fiends, watching ancient druid rituals, being chased by a t-rex through my home town that turns out to be a friend of mine who can take shape and is evil. All in all, I love most of my dreams as long as some elements keep out. Reality. I hate when real life problems find their way into my dreams. I've actually punched a kid over a table in the sixth grade because in a dream I had, he took adventage of me solving the puzzel and winning the prize... so I went to school the next day, walked into his classroom, decked him and walked out. .... I don't feel bad. The guy is stoned more than he's sober and his parents are the same way.
The other problem I have is getting to sleep. I either have to keep myself awake until I'm sure I am about to pass out where I sit, or when I la down I have to start the dream before I fall asleep, think about these Unrealities as I like to call them. It's in the dark, burried in blankets and pillows that, should I take a second to try to sort out things going on in reality, I am most likely to curl up in a ball and start to cry. Having an active imagination is one thing, but the things I imagine, the scnearios I play out and the predictions I make are realistic and most often how it turns out in the end. Fear, Suspicion, Resentment, hell I even feel hatred when I'm laying in bed thinking. I play out scenarios of people form the mall who want me dead (There are 2 jackasses I've banned form the store for shoplifting and they keep comming back and bitching to me that they didn't do anything and have the right to enter the store. Yeah right. I have to bite my tongue to keep from grabbing the fat one by the lip stud and saying right to his face "Your bully tactics might work on highschool kids, and you're whining might work on your parents but in the mall, in the store I work at, everything you say and do is worth shit to me"). I replay every encounter I've had with these two I have dubbed Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dipshit... I also play out scnarios regarding friends, then I see patterns forming, history repeating... And I really think my friends offline need to learn the art of being subtle... It really helps when I'm feeling particularly in a bad mood not to have innuendo that is more than just a joke being flung around.... Hell I'm going to get my ass kicked over stuff like this someday but I confess, I'm a coward driven by my need to keep te peace, keep the sanity through insanity... I have options. Speak my mind and have my friends hate me or be an optomist and give out advice that will most likely be ignored much to my regret and disdain... Didn't that little squirrel say it before? "Oh I can't believe how everything turned out!" "Well I can, because you didn't take my fucking advice." ... But I've run out of advice. Not that I couldnt' give it, but I don't want to use the advice on people who won't listen. Joel will nod his head like he always does... he'll be all buddy buddy but in the end He'll do whatever he wants then complain about it to me later. Emily... (Because I knwo you'll be reading this, I shall refer this directly to you) you will listen to my advice... but then quickly forget it and wen I remind you about it later you get defensive... I wish you wouldn't. It really hurts. I hate fighting with you, I hate when you get defensive over every litle bit of critisism that comes your way, the denial of being upset when you're saying your words through clenched teeth... I only try to protect you, then you go and get hurt when if you'de listened to me in the first place, things could have been different. I knwo you want to make your own mistakes but you let those mistakes eat away at you and sink yourself into a deep pit of self loathing, feeling that everythign is your fault and refuse my hand when I try and help you out because you already have your little fantasies of which hand will pull you out. YOu'll blame yourself for everything that's done wrong and seem to think one arrow od debt hasn't been repaied when you get shot a hundred times or more. I'm an overprotective big brother type. I've told you this before. I don't like seeing you mad, I don't like seeing you cry, and I don't like you thinking I'm rubbing all the wrongs in your face. You do a good enough job of that and I'm just trying to wash it away... When you turn down my help, when you accuse me, when you get defensive, it hurts. I don't like being hurt, I don't like fighting back but I will and then you break down crying which of course completly kills me inside... but I don't know anything these days... I get shut out, Since I'm not who you want, naturally as you've done before, you'll block out everyone else and not noticie it. I'm an outsier and I see history repeating itself again to pretty much the same means. If might be happening now, it might now but in the end something will bunr out in you, and history will continue repeating itself... and still you won't tell me anything.... nothing I can do to help, though gods know I spend way to much time wishing you would call asking for help and I'd drop just about everything short of disarming a bomb that's due to go off in 5 seconds to listen to you but...
But I'm rammbling
This has been an installment of the part of Joey that only shows up when he's to tired to control himself.....

....

I havn't hit the point where I turn violent and go blind and when I'm able to see again I've got a death grip on someones wrist... ~Cringe~

Memmories cause me to go into physical spasms of pain and regret... my past haunts me and predictions of the future haunt me. And it doesn't help that I gauged my wrist on a nail at work so not only do I feel like hell right now, but I've got a hole in the center of my wrist (Dead center, I was trying to hang up a ceramic wolf head and got poked by a stray nail, my boss can vouch for me)

Anyways, I'm going to go see weither I need to start in a fantasy or if I'll be asleep by the time I hit the bed...

I'll regret this in the morning, I know it.. but sometimes I guess the truth has to be told... errr... rammblied incoherently I suppose... I never bother to proof read my diary entries. I type as I think which is the best way to get things as accurate as possible. If it sounds jummbled up there, it's beause my mind is jummbled and the side of my brain that keeps these things hidden keeps mummbling in my head "noooo don't put that..." but I beat it over the head with a shoe and tell it to make me a sammich. Bitch.

Peace, Out.

Lookie what [Calico Tiger] and [Lerune] made for me as one of the winners of the Final Fantasy Fan Art Contest. Teehee...!

One day while browsing Elftown,
I heard two Town Guards call:
"Artists and gamers, gather 'round,
Please listen, one and all"

A contest they were pitching then,
And I knew it was for me!
An entire fan art contest devoted
To Final Fantasy!

So many pictures were entered -
Truly, a feast for the eyes,
But I am one who was awarded
this badge and poem as a prize!

The dark cannot hide me,
The hunter still follows.
Abandoned are the places I seek,
attempting to flee the danger,
far from safety,
far from light,
anything to get away.
Up stairs, around corners.
Locked doors... but no noise.
The hunter lies in wait...
I flee and am blinded by the sun
in my quest for the darkest places,
I emerge into the day.
Reluctant to believe,
reluctant to follow,
reluctant for reasons unclear..
the hunter still finds me.
It's vision trained, I fall into hiding.
like a cripple I crawl,
there are people there, ignorant to me.
Ignorant to my needs...
a pool looms ahead,
a place to rest
prehaps hide...
turning I see not the hunter
but I am being followed...
People who had ignored me stalk closer.
This is a dream... I've been here before...

And then I woke up... I'm prett ysure the hunter was that thing from Predator. But that dream almost made me late for work. It was a fun dream though... I'm trying to remember what dream had feathured the setting I was in. I occasionally revisit locations that exist only in my dreams. All I can remember clearly a pool, a chickenwire fence, a nice grass lawn on some sort of campus, and then a steep hill, almost a grassy cliff. And a house ontop of it... Hm. Oh well. I'm gonna go try to have some more adventurous dreams.

Back in highschool, grade 11, I was always comming up with tips for healthy living and wrting them on the board in home room. I've got some tips, suggestions and points to ponder relating to Elftown.

- If you're just going to say "I'm Ugly", don't post a pic. If you honestly think you're ugly, you wouldn't post a pick. It's digging for people to say "You're Not Ugly" and I for one won't buy into it.
- Don't post art saying "I know it isn't mine but...". Patrollers and Guards don't care. It's just a confession that you broke Hedda's uploading art rules.
- Saying Hi to someone you've never talked to before doesn't inspire the masses to reply to you. Nobody likes one worded conversations.
- Yes, you CAN use to many emoticons. I prefer to not use them at all.
- Answering LOL after everything makes you sound stupid. It's understandable if it's a reply to something funny, but if the conversation is:
"how r u?"
"I'm good."
"wut r u doing?"
"Nothing."
"LOL"
It's NOT FUNNY. There is nothing funny about it so why LIE and say you're laughing out loud. Stoned people and morons laugh at everything.
- If you don't like Elftown so much you have to write about it in your house and complain about it to everyone, why do you even bother logging in?
- If you want intelligent conversations with something to actually talk about, write like you have more than three dieing braincells and use capitols, punctuation and actual words. If you're going to mispell something, at least have it as an accident or make it readable. If you don't knwo how to spell it, take a guess at the spelling or find another word.
- You were a "n00b" at one time too. Get off your high horse. You're no better than anyone else and if you think you are, you probably jerk off to much.
- This is for all you "Goths" out there. There is nothing unique about being goth,You're not individuals, you're not more witty, intelligent, deep or have more right to live than any other social clique. It's a fashion trend like anything else. Stripped naked you'de be as equally worthless as the rest of humanity so join the "n00b" haters and get off your high horse. Sure there are people below you, but chances are each social/fashion trend group will have some members who are equal and even possibly smarter with more talent than you.
- If you havn't finished hitting puberty yet ladies, don't skank up Elftown. You'll just attract Pedophiles and Cyberjerkers.
- To all you Wiki Deleters out there. Since you were the last one to edit the Wiki, you're name is up for the whole town to see so don't be surprised if you get a hammer up the keester for being a Dumbass.
- It you hate having guards do things to your house so much, wouldn't it be better to just follow the rules rather than give them a reason to do their Jobs?

Anyways. Make Pie, Not War.

Me: Hey Nick, Guess my favorite color!
Nick:Purple?
Me: No... It's Anus!
Nick: Anus isn't a color. It's a Flavor!!

The first step that must be taken to fix a problem is to be able to admit you have a problem. I'm admitting I have a problem... but the second step is a big cloudy... identifying the problem... which means I'm damned if I know how to solve it. All I know it I can't dwell on it. Dwelling on things only make the problem stronger and you start looking for more ways to be hurt, more ways to waste your life thinking about the problem instead of trying to fix it. Just gotta look for better things to do with your life that will outway the bad with the good.

The World Owes You Nothing, You Owe The World Even Less Live your own fucking lives. Sure it gets lonely at times. A squirrel once said "You don't have to validate your life by being in a relationship." It's true. I also have some advice of my own for everyone out there.
- Make your own decisions. Be your own Whole, Not somebody's Half.
- Always keep at least one secret.
- Never turn down a shoulder to cry on... because you never know if you'll ever get another one later.
- No means No. End of Story. Nobody likes a pushy person.
- If you spend all your time looking for something to complain/fight/nag about, lock yourself in a cage and never come out.
- Happiness is something you earn and if it is given to you, you still have to work to keep it.
- If you say you're sorry, it means you'll do your best to never repeat the mistake again. Otherwise Sorry becomes a meaningless term.
- Having to do homework, go to school and live with your parents isn't something to kill yourself over. Neither is not having a girlfriend. If you think it is a good excuse to kill yourself, you honestly won't last long after graduation. It gets harder. Trust me.
- Customer Service workers hate the customers. I know I do. The customer isn't always right you dumb fuck. If you believe this, you watch to much TV.
- Wrestling is real. It's the rivalries and characters that are fake. They guys still walk out of wrestling matches with bruises and stiff joints. Most wrestlers have had at least 5 bones broken and wear knee braces from moves gon wrong.
- Just because you can't see the tears doesn't mean they aren't there. Occasionally it's the people that seem the happiest that are crying the hardest on the inside with no words to voice the pain they hide.
- You are not your Car, Computer, Clothing. If you base your life around an object, remember that object can be destroyed and that would leave you as being nothing. Be your self. And if yourself is a fucking Moron... power to you ..... . .... ...but I'd still kick you in the crotch on principle.

I don't think I've ever mentioned this before. Probably because it holds no significance to my life or anyone else's for that matter. But I love the Fog. I love walking in it, even though the water on my skin makes me cold. I see the fog... and not whats on the other side. The perfect personification of how I see the world. Looking across the street, I can't see the house... but I know it's there. It's like... Old memmories will always be there but say the house was to fall apart in the night. When the fog clears, only then will I see it. The fog hides the future but it's your memmories that keep you from walking blindly into it. And if things change, you'll find out when you get through it. Fog in the city is kinda eerie. All the street lights casting an orange glow, the trees are still devoid of leaves or buds and people walking owards you are just shadows until you're within touching distance from them. The kinda stuff you'de see in a dramatic movie.

I knwo this is much different from my usual ranting but I really havn't done much work which is the leading cause of my rants. Just a three hour closing shift on a Monday night. Uneventful except for the 7 foot tall mountain of boxes and garbage bags I had to throw out tonight due to new stock. I also have Tuesday off so still no rant subjects.

Reason I wasn't on this weekend was because I had Emily over. It was the usual Videogameing and her taking full adventage of my High Speed Internet which I get and she doesn't. Mwahaha I stick my tongue out at you!
Funny Quote of the Night
- I picks up my brothers Crusty Towel and a Queen spider popped out and POOPed on me!!! (In a conversation about my brothers habit of leaving piles of groudy towels bundled up in the corner to collect mold... seriously)
-Why should I show celebrities any respect?! No Celebs ever given me a Dolla!! If Jessica Simpson want's my respect, she gotta pay 2 dolla! I'll respect Nick for free but Jessica has to pay for both of them.

Then after she was done looking at every picture and video of Jessica Simpson in the Universe, Finally went to bed at like... 6am? Then got caught up on her life, contributing my half a penny here and there and not sharing much. I never have much I can say really. My life is my own and even if I have problems to talk about I never let them get to me drasticly enough to even mention them to my friends. Anyways. We finally got to sleep at like... 11am (So reminiscent of my slep schedule last summer) And my mom kept calling asking fi I worked. I'd say No. Then I'd go back to bed. An hour passes, she calls back again, asks if I wanna go out to dinner. I said I had company. Then I go back to bed., Then she calls back and says Em is invited to go out to Ringos (a Bar and Grill). So we finally get up at around 4:30pm after I literally had to steal the blankets from her. So yeah. We went to Dinner with my parents. As usual I just sat there eating (Huge rack of beef ribs.... so much meat on three bones.... still feel full...) while my parents talked about my brothers Hockey as if I've ever given a damned about sports.
So Em left after stealing a bunch of Music Videos from my computer.... my babay ~Strokes his computer~

And there you have it. The first and probably last ever "How My Weekend Was" diary entry. I don't know how people do this day in and day out. I'm content with my monthly rant. Not enough happens in a day for me. Example of my day today:

"Woke up at 2, played Dungeon Keeper2 until 5:30. Got dressed. Went to work. Sold some crap to moronic hillbillys. Threw Out Trash. Walked Home. Worked Out. Watched Wrestling at 1am because they decided to stick a Hockey game in it's time slot. Flipped off Hockey Fans All Over The World. Wrote This." Now there's a possability I probably looked at some porn throught the day. Actually I probably did. But noen of you need that much info. Porn. PORN. ... Alright I'm going.

Honestly though, for all the times I've contemplated suicide, I've never attempted it. Sure I have scars from burns but a little known fact about me: When I get bored, I will do anything. Anything from shaving myself from neck to toe (I think I did that on my 18th birthday) to burning lines into my chest with a red hot butter knife. But really the dominating darkness that likes to hit me isn't thoughts of killing myself. I know I'm not the reason for my problems. I knwo only I can make things right and I'm not one to quit without a few bruises to show for it. Murder. Now that is thew dominent infliction of pain. Don't worry I've never killed or even tried to kill anyone but the thought sometimes scares me. I guess it's my conscience that keeps me from it. All memmories, especially faces come back to haunt me. I've had memmories hit me so hard i've gone into convulsions and those are the small ones like remembering how I would never say goodbye to a babysitter even though she was a nice old lasdy who always said goodbye to me. That kinda stuff still plagues me. Also the most violent reaction I've ever sufered was enough to drop me to the floor. It was a simple thought. If I move in with Joel and him and Emily get together. Simple as that. My boss tells me I'm amazing at handling stress. I say I'm good at hiding it. I've developed a sort of feral growl that is more habbit than act. That and the "Rage Shudders".... Brats trashing my store while it's crowded and mouthing of at me when I tell them to get the fuck out. Little small brats who have never felt the belt. Parents. Do the world a favor and don't let your moron children run rampant in the malls. Three thingsd can inevitably mhappen. They get kicked out for causing trouble. They grow up to have productive lives making lisence plates in a prison or they get their FUCING ASSES KICKED BY AN OVER STRESSED CUSTOMER SERVICE WORKER. I'm sick of all the scenarios that play out in my head. My visual memmory is near photographic. I might forget names but I never ever forget a face.
Anothert thing that plagues me. All you happy couples who play Grab Ass in stores and make out in the isles.... get the fuck out. Take it somewheres where other people don't need to watch. Chances are if you're like that in the mall, you're a new couple and if you're under thre age of 18, you most likely won't be lasting long anyways so spare the general public the sick display. Wanna hold hands? Fine! Just stop clinging to eachother like it's the end of the world you sad pathetic fucks! Groping in public serves no purpose but to anger me more. It's not jelousy. Trust me. Because given the chance, I wouldn't degrade myself in such a way.

So on to my day. We lost another shelf. a 6 foot piece of glass fell of the wall, almosyt landed on me and I've ben biting pieces of skin off of my hand trying to get out little shards of it ever since. It is fecking annoying and every time I look, there's another cut opened in my hand with another sliver of glass annoying the hell out of me.
Notice how my Diarys are never cheery? I have to be nice all day. I'm an Asshole, This is my Vent! If it stinks, walk away (....... teehee...) alright so that made me giggle... but back to my rant!

I guess the onyl good thing out of all today has been I finally got my third and final reference to get into massage school. All I need is a doctors note that says I'm not suffering from some weird infection that I can transfper to clients.

Hmm... I need more to bitch about... Aha! Stinkers! I was walking to work and a bunch of kids ditching school asked if I would buy them cigarettes. Knowing the drill, I muttered I had no money. They said they'de give me the money. I asked why they didn't just buy the smokes themselves. They said they were to young. I flipped them off and walked away. Attention Smokers: You. Smell. BAD! I work with a girl who smokes a pack a day. Oh! And a couple of stoners came in. Stoned out of their mind and I watched them as they kept trying to steal our new pipes (I hate selling drug stuff.... so much rage...) then one of them turns to me and asks to hand in a job application! I took down the info and as he turned his back I asked Connie, the manager which folder to put it in. She said Folder 13 which is the code to throw it in the trash.
Tip: If your resume is half a page and looks like a template from Microsopft word and even starts out with "Seeking employment in a growing company", chances are it'll end up in Folder 13 in just about any store. Be Creative and Never hand in an application while you're quite visibly stoned.

Oh! Something good finally happened. I got paid! Now I can pay off these rediculous internet bills. Here's the situation. Chinese roomie didn't speaka the engrish very well so me, being the nice guy I am, signed him up in my name. Big Fucking Mistake. He moved away over christmas, took the internet box weith him so now I'm stuck with a $200 internet bill to pay for the box and on a minimum wage job with my own intenret bill to pay in the meantime. And every paydfay without fail I get a call from the company saying "Where's our money? You paid some of it but not all of it! We're going to charge you an extras 35$ a month until you finish paying us! ..... WHERE THE HELL IS THE JUSTICE!!! How CAN I Pay if they KEEP CHARGING MORE!!!! And I reported it stollen to them. I told them the damned P.O.S (The box, not the chinese roomie. I doubt he knew it wasn't his to own) is probably in China right now. And they call me saying "We're sending someone to get the box. I tell them I have no box for them. It is in Chine. And the morons ask "Is there any way for you to get it back? "Let me repeat myself Ma'am" as I hold back the urge to start crying. "The internet box is in C.H.I.N.A. and there is no way to get it back. I need to pay Rent, Groceries and Bills come Third. I put all my extra money into paying for these bills so pardon me if they take some time since I need a floor over my head (I'm a basement dweller) and food in muh belleh. I put in 50 dollars and that's all I had to give. I'll get more money to you next pay day so please stop calling. I only have Minimum Wage to go on here." And then the conversation ended. I went back to bed and laid there stressing over all this.

So yeah. I n Conclusion: Suicide Solves Nothing, Don't Let Your Kids Grow Up To Be Fucktards, Public Displays of Affection Make Me Want To Kill, Smokers Smell BAD, and Bills Suck Donkey Balls. And picking shards of glass from your hands isn't fun.

I bid you all good night or day or whartever. I'm going to bed because tomorrow it's back to work as usual.

Have you ever taken everything that made you happy, refused comforts from others, basicly shut down your own existance so that you could be there for your friends... but then had it not only ignored but thrown in your face? It's a pain in the ass.. I don't do anything but survive so I can be there incase any of my friends need help but what happens? They either ignore me during the times they need help or pick fights with me over MY decisions. They complain because of MY work schedule and seem to think that my living arangmenbts are crap, My job is crap, everything about living on ym own is crap. But here's the kicker. And you're going to laugh. None of them know what the FUCK I'M GOING THROUGH. I'm the onyl one out of all the gang that has moved out, kept a steady job, buys his own groceries and pays his own bills. They lecture me on things they know dick all about. These are my friends. And none of them know that all of them have been on my Hit List before. Each has done something to em that almost drove me to kill them. Hell, I've even been tempted to kill them just to keep them from fucking up. Go ahead and call me demented but my friends are idiots who know nothing beyond their parents houses. Living under their parents rules, leching off their parents paychecks, sitting on their asses while having their meals prepared for them every day like clock work. They still live like tyhey were in highschool. Their key concerns being relationships, love triangles and breakups. They all mention from time to time that it shows that I'm the youngest of the pack (Unlucky enough to be born at the end of November). They especially bring it up when I'm goofing off and giving the "Five Minute Update from Joey's Pants!" routine. Sure they all go to school. Emily has a degree in Web Design she doesn't even have any interest in using. Adam and Willie are in a Computer Animation school. Adam is a selfish jackass who wants it done his way or he'll whine and complain and want to go home. Willie's only flaw is his live for the drugs and booze. Actually I see him going alot further in life than Adam though. Willie might be a wigger but he's got a good head on his shoulders and a dedicated work ethic. Joel... Joel is an Idealist. He believes in the power of positive thinking and would probably jump of a building and think he was going to grow wings and fly away. He's attending a bunch of univeristy science programs but he has no clue what he's going to major or minor in. It's basicly just playing around for him. We're planning on moving in together this fall so maybe I'll teach him the ropes and hopefully shatter all that "Well my dad told me" garbage he's been fed. He'd rather take his 50 year old dad's advice on living on your own in 2004 than me who has been lviing it since fall 2002. ~Shakes his head~ These are the dilemma's that keep me where I am. Unmoving, always thinking, plotting, trying to figure out a way to protect my friends but what happens in the end? I get left out because "We thought you had to work that night so we didn't bother to call you". Yeah right. Of course they'll never know unless Emily secretly took up my suggestion on joining Elftown to snoop through my diary. But if she did, I guess she'd most likely get mad at me. She prefers to get angry and argue than even make an attempt to see my point of view. And that line of course just makes her madder... I question why I'm still her friend sometimes. Usually I answer myself "Because knowing my luck if I abandone her, it'll be the one time ever she actually decides she wants me help with anything". Arg. Best part is. I volintarily put myself in this pit! I'm the onyl one who can dig myself out. But I'm not ready yet. Best way to describe this whole feeling I have woudl be to read the lyrics to "Three Doors Down - Love Me When I'm Gone"

Peace Out

So yeah. Despite having to work from 9:30 until 2:30 all alone in the store, today turned out to be an awsome day. Girls in short skirts, sunny weather without the dreaded snow glare, sunglasses are being sold for cheap again, and I've also been invited to go along tanning with my co-worker and friend Kelly and all of her buddies when the weather warms up. I should invite Joel along for that to. I'll probably go more for the hanging out than the tanning part but I'm not against taking off my shirt outside... and despite all the pics of me being usually shirtless, I rarely, almost never, step out the door without a shirt. Mostly because I was always self conscious or had some random cuts and scrapes that looked suspicious. But now that I've gotten into exercsing during wrestling I'm not so annoyed with my body. Just the body hair... but that can be shaved.
And while walking home today, it was 40F (And I concider that a nice day when all the Americans tell me that's cold) And it was niiiiiiiice. It was good to breath the fresh air of spring. As fresh as a dusty car filled city's air gets. The weather of today was an example of my favorite weather type. These tyes include:
Winter: Warm yet snowing soft powder and no wind is blowing.
Spring: Warm with a steady cool breeze, snow melting all around and the sun is just beginning it's decent.
Summer: Warm, windy, not humid but not dry, Nice and sunny with the sound of the trees rustling and birds chirping (Kinda pituresque)
Fall: ... Fall just all around fucking kicks ass.

I am also partial to a warm humid night where there is a low hanging cloud covering the city, or a warm day with a grey sky and fog or prehapse a nice drizzle.

To bad with full time hours I'm gnna be stuck in the god damned mall for most of it! Arg! Hehe. I can't complain though. More money in my pocket.

No time ot proof read or correct spelling. Just figureit out yourself

Woohoo. More tales of horror from the assistant
manager. Today was my first crash course in filling in the daily sales info in the book. I was alone from 9:30 until 3pm, but luckily my buddy Ryan (The Stoner with a heart of Gold) was in the mall so he hung out with me and we talked and he went on and on about this girl his sister had introduced him to. So by three I'm feeling very hungry, since I hadn't had breakfast. I also realize... and keep in mine, I AM SUPERMAN, I hadn't gone to the bathroom since 2am the night before... So as 3 rolls arund, inw alks a guy I recognize all to well... the Stock Delivary guy! NOOOO! "BAck evil demon!" I shouted. "No, you will take the stock for it is demanded of you!" "But I do not wish for this stock! I want it removed for I am *Dun dun dun duuuuun* In Charge!!!" "Look kid, just sign here." "Aw... do I gotta?" "Yep. There's 18 boxes" "Poopy..." So after this little episode, Ryan and I went to get something to eat the went out seperate ways. As always happens when stock comes in BAMF! Our store which was empty begins filling with the usual Fridaynight Fuktarded children. Finally, having had enough of kids tripping, umping and wrecking the store, I just kinda snapped and said so loudly they heard me three stores down. "If you're just going to wreck my store, just GET OUT!" ... And they listened. All the moronic little sheep highschool brat who never knew real fear since they probably never got anything more than a slap on the wrist as little children scattered. Thenh Jessica and Kelly kinda just blinked at me and inquired as to if I was having a bad case of PMS. I said yes, and giving up porno cold turkey hadn't helped my mood any. So I smiled at my work, glared down at the children (gods do I love being so tall) who had decided since they were to afraid to enter the store with the big mean sherif in there, that they would hang out infront of it until his evilness had left. A far cry from my first month there when I was to ahraif to approach a bunch o kids who literally trashed our adult section and tell them they had to be 18 to be back there. Now I do it left and right... the power! THE POWER!!! .. But it shall not go to my head.
One other thing I love about my store. The total lack of this "Sexual Harassment" thing. I know this is going to sound horribly wrong and maybe shallow of me but remember. I quit porn cold turkey... for three days... but still that's enough to drive me nutty(er). But yeah. Jessica walks in wearing a very low cut shirt. And naturally, being as open with the girls at work as I am, and we all concider eachother friends there, "My, the cleavage is lovely today... I mean weather!" Which she laughs at (She always hung out with guys in highschool so he's used to that kinda stuff.And it just kinda kept catching my eye for some reason so finally the stuff that would get any normal human fired or scolded began and laughs were had by all. Then Kelly comes and she's wearing a skin tight shirt and I almost collapse "Ack! That does it. I'm never giving up porn again!" (By now you should understand I'm very open with my friends and expect and usually recieve the same openmindedness I give out) So Kelly tells me to follow her to the back of the store and says she's doing this to save my life and starts to lift up her shirt and I'm half mortified that she might be doign this and fascinated at the same time. Then she looks all evil at me and says "Oops. They're D's and you always say how afraid of big boos you are!" ... Such a mean trick to pull on a guy. Oh well. Like I said. Good times are had by all. I'm so lucky to work in a store of people I would hang out with in every day life. We's all good buddies and I've been invited to Karaokee or however it's spelled. But I can't and won't sing therefore I had to decline.
And one of the best things today (Other than a run in a circle aroudn my house wearing but a sock (Not on my feet) in the melting snow) Is that the Cable company finally called and canceled Riki, the Chinese guy who's english was so bad I had to sign up his High Speed Internet in my own name because he couldn't figure out what to do. Then he moved away and took the equipment box with him making it impossible to cancel... The call origionally came to ask why I was so late with my bill payments but it turned into a mutual understanding... that those damned exchange students need to learn our language!!!! ... No I'm just kidding. Riki was a good guy though I never talked to him... his ownly flaw was a really loud girlfriend.. and by loud I mean during sex.

The End (Of the longest diary entry I've ever written!)

Ug.. Got called in to work at 9, worked alone until 2:30, then after Kelly left, at 8, I was still there, closing. I'm so tired right now. blah. How come I never get sick? Well... I guess I'm lucky that I never get sick but stil, everyone is sick so I worked a 12 hour shift. It wasnt' so bad. I make 70 dollars from it in one day and this week'll probably mean some overtime. Maybe I should move to P.E.I, like Connie reccomended and apply for the job of Manager since their store had gone to Hell having no manager, pot headed staff who constantly robbed the store blind and their new manager was fired within three days for stealing three hundred dollars from the cash. I said it would look silly having a 19 year old managing a store with employees older than myself, also because I'm the only male in the buisness to be in a position of Assistant, and as far as we know there are no male managers. But Connie said even though I'm only 19, I'm mature and disciplined enough to pass as 25 or 26. But yes, enough rammbling. I've been on my feet all day and it's time to go spend some time on my back, stomach or side, whichever is comfortable. Though I think a stone floor with a sandpaper blanket would be comfortable right now. I havn't been this tired since I tried staying up for 38 hours straight. I bid you all good night and try not to get yourselves killed before I finally get a day off.

Any typos made in here as caused by me being to lazy and apathetic to go back and proof read. Figure out the real words yourselves
I guess I should kinda explain myself in a little more depth than I did in my main description. I guess the best place to start would be my screen name...
Stratakus Demidemon, comprised of an angel like "Shroud" and a demonic "Brute". The Shroud part embodied the aspects of peace, hope and caring, the Brute part embodied the aspects of Regret, Agression, Vengance and Resentment... All boiled down, Stratakus is a Demon of Regret and Determination.
I created him for my comic but based him on my inner demons.
I keep few friends and only ones I have known for a long time. After highschool, I still made casual friends and a few good ones but that is because I approached them and found sort of kindred spirits but at the end of the day, I love my solitude and quiet reflection of my life. I force this solitude upon myself. I have my fair share of girls that would love to pull me out of that shell but I won't let it happen. It's a random occurance... but happens quite often. People that will just pull my nerves.. that don't understand that No, I don't want to be your friend... and they continue to try. I am outgoing around those I want to and shy and reclusive aroudn people I don't want to know. I call this Jerk Mode. I'll use two little stalkers of mine, Michelle and Jesika... Michelle is the one that is after me. Constantly wanting hugs which i'm not comfortable with giving to anyone I havn't personally invited into my small circle of friends. She follow me around, even tried following me home once. Overly perky and not compatable with me at all. I hate making eyecontact with people. People in general are the embodiment of all that I resent and wish to escape from. Crowds put me on a violent edge. When backed into a corner, I'll keep my head lowered, not make eye contact, talk in my cold voice, no emotion what so ever will appear on my face... I will subbtly hint that I prefer to be alone. I've even gone so far as to look people in the eyes, inches form their face and say "Trust me, you don't want any part of me" but that only seems to make them determined to get closer to me. I'm not playing hard to get, I am quite deciidedly impossible to get. Hearing my name from someone I am not friends with hits me like a lightning bolt ot the spine and brings out that inner demon until that person goes away. I don't knwo why I can't just come out and be a jerk without the subtlties. I'm naturally a nice, helpful and polite person but in Jerk Mode, all that slips away and I feel like a caged animal gnawing at it's own arm to get away instead of just lunging at the cage.
As far as all my little stalkers know, I have no phone. I hate the phone. I have a phone for one reason. Work. They can call me when they need me but then the Telemarketers get my number... (Honestly, I know the pay is good but other than that, how can you Telemarketer people live with yourselves knwoing you're hated by just about everyone on the planet who has a phone line?). I made the mistake of giving out my number to a girl once... she called me every day bright and early to talk about nothing. Of course hearing a voice I'm not comfortable with put me into jerk mode which kinda maked me think that the "Girls want Jerks" theory is infact true. So now I just say I do not have a phone... though I have quite a collection of "Call me when you get a phone" numbers in my drawer. I have an ego, I know I am attractive. But the thing is, I wish I wasn't so attractive as to have such a following. I have friends who are dieing to get girls after them but nooo, they all have to come to the one guy on the planet who would rather look at live porn webcam feeds than talk on the phone "So, how was your day? BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH" because that's all I hear. I play videogames, I play on the computer, occasionally crap out a drawing, read webcomics, work and eat. This is my life. On the rare occasion I'll get together with the friends who I hold dear to my heart and we'll go swimming or to the movies. I like them because they are like me and yet different. Hell, our entire group is a soap opera with love affairs, people looking for love but never getting them, constant infighting and basic selfishness. But I still love them all. Hell I even hump their legs on occasion.
What is kepeing me single is this: I am picky to the point of settling for nothing less than a genderly opposite clone of myself... someone who's emotions are hard to read so I actually can just ask "How are you" without already know the answer. Why ask for what you already know? I can read most people and the ones I can't are the ones that intregue me. I'm curious by nature and when all the answers are thrown at me or clinging to my leg like a lovesick puppy, I just want to get away from them or simply blow them up or set them on fire. There is the occasional Enigma... Though luckily Society has helped narrow down the list. I'm not interested in alchohol, smoking (Cigarettes or otherwise)... Comfortable silence, Cuddling, Well worded conversations, hours upon hours of Videogames and the like... I don't believe at love at first sight... but I do believe in hatred and annoyance at first sight as I have experienced it with 90% of the people I have met.
It's taken me an hour to write this jummble of garbage and I congradulate you if you managed to read this far. I know I must have left something out somewheres but I'll fill in more details later. My thoughts are always jummbled between anger, peace, violence, amusement.. I can't focus. So anything that was left out will probably come up later. All part of the arangment to accept my inner demons and let them keep me from getting hurt or hurting others... because thats what I always end up doing. Hurting others, or allowing myself to be hurt in sacrafice. I hate hurting people who I don't feel have wronged me... like I said, all things concidered, I'm a nice guy. I just prefer my alone time to being around others. Basement hermit until I die or I can muster up the courage to actually approach the one Enigma that has... yeah maybe that's what I forgot..
There is one female living nearby... She works in an arts and craft store (Points), she's got to be about 6 feet tall (more points), She is cute and shy around me (bonus points) I dont' know anything about her (heh..) And last time I was in the craft store trying to get past her without her noticing me, I chanced a look in her direction, she looked up, smiled, blushed and waved... which made me turn about 20 shades of red and wave back then beat a hastey trench coat flapping due to me walking so fast retreat.... And I onyl ever see her working there once every two weeks if I'm lucky... maybe someday... Oh the irony... the girls I dont' want cling to me... the one I am interested in I'm to afraid to get close to. The only time I've ever actually talked to this enigma were the two times she came to my store asking if we had any change/cash as their store had run out of anything small. OF course we both kinda blushed and smiled... kinda made me feel like a kid again instead of the old man I occasionally feel like when all this solitude catches up to me. And I dont' want any advice on this, as I never take other peoples advice. I do as I please, when I please... and right now I'm to frightened and shy to do myself a favor and get over this fear. Even Stratakus tells me to go for it and I don't listen. I just feel like by being single, I'm safer and everyone else is safer... but she's cute and shy and polite and seems interested but doesn't make advances (Big points for that)... Gah.. conflicted... in the old Star Trek, were I a robot, I'd probably explode... I'm to complex for even myself to understand. ... ......

Joey out. I got work in the morning. 

Shop lifters. I hate them with a passin. I also hate children with an equal passion. Today, an 8 year old mob of brats came in, and started playing with our BONGS! and the little Feckers knew how to use them. I grabbed the bong from the brat and nearly lifted the fat prepube off the ground in the process and glared down at him and told him and his friends to get the hell out. Then alter, a bunch of guys who ahd attempted ot steal from the store before and on multiple occasions been tld to get out came in. I stood right infront of them and said "You were banned, that means you can't come in." So of course instead of leaving like a smart polite person would, they came up to the counter and threw a hissy fit. They both look to be about 18, ones overweight and the other is a stick figure hillbilly type. The other two were the typical touque wearing kids with their hair curling out form udner the hats. So they left, cursing at me. After clsoing and I was about to leave, the fat one comes back and I can see the other guys in the reflection of the window across the hall standing out of sight beside the stores gate. I say "What do you want?" and he says "Open the door". OF course I told him the store was closed with a smile and turned my back. The four guys hung aroudn outside the store until I called my boss. They must have thought I was calling security cause they left but now I'm paranoid they'll be waiting for me some other day. We dont' have concieled weapon lisences around here so I can't legally carry a knife on me, but they, not having much care for rules or laws, probably do... so it's the option of trying to take on four possibly armed jackoffs or start carrying around my sword hidden between the liners of my trench coat (Just for intimidation should they try to surround me).... Arg if there's one thing I hate almost as much as the chldren that come inot my store, it's the threat of being outnumbered and put into a fight I can't win.

Ack... Yeah.. so my roomie had his most obnoxious loud friend over and he kept banging on my door asking to use my phone and all he talked about (I could hear them in the living room) was how much he wanted to fuck this girl or how amny times he did this with that girl, or how he wanted to call some girls over so he could fuck them, and on New years he fucked a girl and hen five minutes later his brother had a go at her. And the dude stank something awful. He went all googley eyed when he saw my katana and snatched it. Drunk guy with a SWORD. How safe do you think I felt? Bah. So yeah. I'm planning on staying in control of myself. No offence to people who drink, but really... I don't wanna risk the possability that I might act like that guy.

Fuck! My house got robbed, they stole one of my roomies lap top and his digicam... And I suspect it was someone who can get into the house and knows the lay out which leads me to suspect my roomie Pauls drunken convict cousin......... who was asking me questions about my computer just a litle while ago...

So there I was... wondering if my friends went to retrieve the bookbag I'd left in the middle of the train bridge and I keep worrying and worrying and finally, at 3am, I call up the taxi place and have someone come and drive me out to the bridge.. but on this side of the river... I left my bookbag at the other end of the bridge so I'm running across a bridge full tilt ... and it's a long run. I'm running for 5 minutes and make ti to the other end of the bridge only to find My Bag Is GONE! which means they went back for it or someone stoled it... Bah! It has my Keys to work and my house, a dragon magazine I need for the upcomming campaign.. and some other things! Soooo I jog back to the waiting cab, thuroughly beat and my ankle is sore (My left ankle has always been weak for some reason) and get him to drive me to the bank machine so I can get him his money. I get out of the car and Foom! Trip on the wet from the rain sidewalk and bash up my palms. And so he drives me home, I give him a 12$ instead of 10, for his trouble, and then I come inside and thuroughly die.. Blaaaaah. So yeah. I had an eventful night, wouldn't you say?