Now that I'm out of my "Love is Over" stage, I'm now in a "Screw Romance" Mood. I am sick of dedicating myself to one person to get kicked to the curb over and over. There are so many different kinds of love. There's Romantic Love, Flirtatious Love, Friendship Love, Comfortable Love, Old Love, New Love, Red Love, Blue Love. I have a lot of friends who I love and wish nothing but the best for, who I am comfortable with and comfortable being myself around, People who I love protectively and would do anything for.
Now, in the past, I've fucked up. Multiple times I fucked up by sleeping or fooling around with people I cared nothing for, didn't have any love on any level for, and I regretted doing it afterwards. To this day I still regret it and kick myself whenever I remember things even if they happened 4 or 5 years ago.
Since I've vowed to stay single until after my road trip, I've become curious about how I would react emotionally after possibly making the sexing with somebody who I have known a long time, trust and care about on a comfortable Friendship Love, without any desire for wedding bells in the future. I don't imagine I would feel the "Used and Abused" sensation considering I trust my friends, and I've always said "Sex without Love just doesn't feel right", but there is love there on some level.
Maybe I'm just thinking through my balls because I don't want to get laid by any of the nastiness around here. I live so close to the ocean I can't tell where that fish smell is really coming from if you get my drift.

Anyways, this has been Strats Rammblings for the day, I'ma go figure out what the hell Red Love and Blue Love are. It just sounded funny in my head.

**This does not mean I'm going to go whoring around to any friend who will have me. I'm just curious about what level of love is actually required for me not to feel like I did something wrong. No intentions of actively seeking an answer.**

So just as I'm feeling fine and dandy again, no more drama, I go and have one of those relationship nightmares that makes me unable to go back to sleep after 3 hours. Blaaaaaaaah

Anyways, Screw this. I've resolved that since I am planning a coast length road trip to meet a bunch of girls I know from the internet, the best thing to do is to say single than have a relationship and then try to explain to the girl why I plan on spending a month with a bunch of different girls, all attractive enough to inspire jealousy in whatever girl I am tangled with at the time. So I'm going to stay single. The people on my list I've known far longer than anyone I'm going to meet in this town.

The dreams still disturb me, but I'm not going to whine and pine anymore. I've much better things to do in the meantime.

Also, I secured a 3 bedroom apartment downtown, everything included except heat and furnishing, for 550$ a month. That split between 3 people would be living easy street! Anyone wanna move to NB to be my quiet roomie? I'll pay part of your rent if you're a hot female willing to walk around topless!

So Kathryn tells me today women don't want boys, they want men... and I take this as some sort of jab at me being childish... Starting next week I'm going to be dealing with a young girl from a broken home who's father has very very high expectations of me since the girl is also a drug addict and a bunch of other issues stemming from her parents divorce... He requested me because word of mouth around this town has me as the best massage therapist that's ever lived in St. Andrews from my regular clients comments.

Also, I have a travel writer coming in. Travel Writers are people who get paid by magazine companies to go to different resorts and live in the lap of luxury and write a critique on his visit, and as I'm sure everyone can understand, a good critique is a very important thing to a summer resort so I need to be more professional than I already am to get a good one. The first 2 I've done were great reviews, but everyone is different.

There is a lot more to massage than bringing a person in and rubbing their backs. I'm no kid. I work hard every day to be thought of as older than I really am. It's a nasty stab to be told something like that...

Hello My Freind

I excuse myself if I have to violate your intimacy. That must appear strange to you but I do not have an other choice to request your assistance because I am convinced that you are worthy of confidence for a partnership.

I present myself, Mrs.Wadja Jeanne Louise of Philippines.i stays the mistress of our former president, Joseph Estrada, and during his function with the head of the government, I was often to employed like a diplomat by depositing his goods in Europe and Africa because of my sincerity and my bonafide, but his wife legitimates Madam law and his/her son shows me to have marital relation with the president, this led to the manufacture of all kinds
of allogation against me just to discredit my honesty. We were stopped, his wife, her son, and me on July 27, 2003, following the coup d'etat to fail because I was employed with the presidency of the expresident Joseph Estrada. Freedom later was granted to me.

because there was no substantial obviousness against me, i was to release and I currently live in residence to supervise thus giving the limiting opportunity to me to reach the outside world to prove my innocence. All that I ask you now is to help itself has to make complaints of some funds which I have deposited in one limps mettallic auprés of company of safety in ivory dimension more precisely has Abidjan.

but the same company it is unaware of the exact capacity of the case because it was to record like the goods family. Will know that the other goods belonging to me were confiscated to me by the government of Mrs Gloria the new president of the republic of Philippines, this case was not confiscated to me because it is in Africa and in more I have my possession the certificate of deposit and the draft-agreement of deposit, these various documents
are in safety. The sum that I maintained in limps is 10 million dollars American, as it was the money which was censer to be to employ by the president to acquire real goods in Africa.

My principal goal to send this mail to you is because of the manner that I have to find you is worthy of confidence to give you this priority to receive the money case has any address which you think of being well in seccurity in your country in order to keep this sum in your account for the goal of the future investment with your percentage of which we will discuss soon.
I will send the various documents of the deposit to you to allow you to turn over in connection with the company of safety in my next email.

I say to you thank you and I await your answer impatiently because time for
me is very important.
Wadja Jeanne Louise

I dod one of those Lyrics Quiz's, and in order to make it worth it I found a bunch of questions all over the place.

Done using the vast number of songs from In Flames and when multiple answers fit, I used both.

1) Are you a male or female?
Clayman

2) Describe yourself:
Strong & Smart

3) How do you feel about yourself?
Dead Alone / Superhero of the Computer Age

4) Describe your ex boyfriend / girlfriend:
December Flower

5)Describe how you love:
Timeless

6) What would you do for the one you love?
Crawl Through Knives

7) Describe how you feel at the moment:
Morphing into Primal

8) Describe your current location:
Subterranean

9) Describe where you want to be:
The Quiet Place

10) If you couldn't be there?
Upon An Oaken Throne

11) Where do you NOT want to be?
Graveland

12) What's your super power?
Reflect the Storm

13) Your favorite color is:
Touch of Red

14) You know:
Everything Counts

15) What’s the weather like?
Vanishing Light

16) If your life was a television show, what would it be called?
...As the Future Repeats Today

17) What is life to you?
World of Promises

18) What is the best advice you have to give?
Brush the Dust Away

19) If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Lord Hypnos

20) What is your favorite thing to eat?
Food for the Gods

21) What job would best suit you?
Zombie Inc.

22) Who do you look up to?
Man Made God /

23) Weapon of choice?
Moonshield

24) What would you stop to watch going on?
The Jester Race

25) What do you dream about?
Dreamscape

26) Favorite Game?
Pinball Map

Carrot Top Is Fucking Scary!!!

Well I had an interesting dream. Near the end, I was walking through the dorm hallways and this girl runs into my room and jumps onto my bed. Sure she was pretty and all, and she was refusing to get out of my bed and was burrowing under the covers,. You would think I would take this as an open invitation to crawl in for some bed fun. But then I noticed there was a kitten crawling out from under he blankets so I completely ignored this girl in my bed and started cuddling and playing with the kitten.

Common thoughts on ghosts is they are restless spirits who have unfinished business on this earth. I'm pretty sure If I were to die in a car crash or some other accident, I would be a ghost to the extreme.

I've been thinking a lot about many things lately, anything to keep my mind off Kathryn, and coming up with some interesting distractions. First off I am planning a road trip. So far I have decided it should be by bus to see more, while not having to drive or get a hotel. Second, I have 4 possible people along the way that I would like to meet. Maybe more, maybe less, it depends on who is where and how much time I have off from work though as a contractor, I can take a month off as long as I can afford it.
Second, what should I do when my body no longer allows me to handle my massage work? I love helping people. If anything, I feed off of appreciation and the knowledge I've helped people with their problems. It's when I feel useless and helpless that I start to get down on myself so for my current state of mind, I'm at least in the right profession to get what I need. I have enough training in the physical body to be able to go into Physiotherapy, but the extra training in all the nerves and dealing with people who have had amputations or are paralyzed for life, and the whole causing pain to clients thing just doesn't sound all that appealing to me.
My second choice would be sexual therapist. I dispense enough advice as it is, and if I could get professional training in it, my knowledge would finally be refined! It's just a toy thought I'm still playing with. May never happen, but it sounds like fun work.

Today, I place Random Thoughts Here:

I found something else that drives me insane. Guys who wear womens pants that use "Gay" as an insult, and actually mean it to be hurtful. What the fuck is up with that?

It's really sad when I of all people can relate word for word with a Good Charlotte song. Seriously. It's got a catchy tune that I would like, but being able to relate to the song is a completely different thing.

I have an easier time understanding the Indian people who call centers are being outsourced to than the French Canadian people they hire around here when calling me. I think I just agreed to health benefits for my Visa but I cannot be completely sure as I couldn't understand a word of what she said.

I've been in quite a slump lately. Kathryn finalized our "Break" earlier this month by saying "I think we should just stay friends". And then telling me earlier this week that she started dating again, and she asked him out to see Juno to get the ball rolling. I still feel I could wait forever for her, as I can't imagine finding anyone in this reality that could fit the mold of what I want in a girl better than her. The break up was more due to the distance than anything, though I screwed and embarrassed myself a few times, it would likely have been different if I could prove that it wasn't something I always do. I'm just hoping that whole "If you love something let it go , so on ans so forth." So I'm extremely lonely on the relationship front, and putting myself into a self-imposed bachelorhood, because I'm seriously tired of starting over. I guess I could explain it as feeling like an old couch. At first the couch is shiny and new and comfortable and then a few springs get loose, maybe a rip or a tare here, and then the old couch gets thrown next to the dumpster to be replaced by a new one, and then the old couch is left out in the rain, waiting for someone else to come along and thing "Woah, Free Couch!" and then over time, the couch gets more ratty and once again thrown to the curb. This happens enough eventually the old couch isn't going to be picked up again. I'm tired of being taken in just to have to go through the cub again. Doesn't help that earlier this week I found the ring I had proposed to her with. I don't know what to do with it but I feel I would regret reselling it.

It honestly wouldn't be so bad if I had some friends around this town. This whole Slump isn't just the "Single Mopes". I seriously have no company here. Everyone I've met so far is not the type of person I ant to hang out with. Nobody reads for fun, nobody enjoys fantasy video games, everyone I've encountered near my age range acts like some sort of Frat boy or Sorostitute. I've got no peers around here and I honestly enjoy my conversations at work with the 40 year old men and women than I do with the people my own age. Come summer I'm hoping that having more people around will at least find me find one single diamond in the rough. Just someone I can hang out with. Preferably a girl not because I'm looking for a new girlfriend, but I just feel more open around ladies.

I've taken to playing Doctor Phil for some friends on MSN, including my 14 year old cousin, a friend who's crush is in therapy for post traumatic stress and doesn't feel he could mentally handle a relationship yet, and another friend whose boyfriend is unreliable due to not being used to having a girlfriend committed to him.

And I've got my own lady friends online. I get plenty of company in the evening while at the same time feeling a little bad for hogging their attention. It's odd because in the past I have always seemed to fall for the first girl to be nice to me or show me attention when I'm at the low point of a breakup, but this time around, all I want are friends just to be friends. I feel like I'm done looking, I just can' reach out and have what it was I was looking for.

So that's my current state of mind.

I'm also learning to remember my dreams. I started by switching my sleeping location, which always yields dreams for me and easy to remember ones. Then upon waking up I lay there for about 5 minutes going over the dream and deciding if I want to remember it. I had a heart crushing dream last night so I am trying to forget that and blame it for my current state of mind. On the 31st I had an amazing dream with one of my favorite recurring dream characters, who seems to be the personification of all I feel I'm missing in my life right now. I even put her in a comic and the dream had a kiss that was just so intense I want to draw it. Probably TMI, but it's my diary so I'll write anything I want here. The problem with drawing is when I'm down I don't feel the inspiration to pick up the pencils even though they're on the other side of my bed and the new sketch books are laying on the chair within arms reach.

I'm just hoping for a happier future. You'd think I would have accumulated enough Karma by now to deserve some lasting happiness. But I guess there is more for me to do before I get my happy ending. There is no way I'm going emo. I actually believe life is going to get better, I am just feeling low because it's taking it's sweet fucking time.

Don't you want to punch kids in movies sometimes? Like those action movies where a parent tells their kid to stay in the car, and the kid counts to three and then disobeys and ends up putting everyone in danger because of it, or goes chasing after an animal into a burning building or city (I'm currently watching that Discovery Channel "Super Comet: After the Impact" thing and the little French bitch is doing this stuff)? Or being told not to do something else, like Don't use the phone in case an emergency cal comes through and the kid rolls her eyes and starts yakking to her fellow dip shit friends on the phone right when the call that is needed to save someones life comes in? I know they're put in there to add suspense but I just want to jump into the movie, break the kids kneecaps and punch him or her in the face a few times all the while screaming "What Part Of Everything Is On Fire, Stay Here Don't You Understand!?"

Ugg. If I had a spawn that stupid I would just let it run right into the blazing inferno.

So I've been playing Wild ARMS 3 lately, now that Soul Calibur 3 has royally pissed me off with some of the parts of it's battle system (Why the hell would anyone keep doing a combo that takes 20 secnds to complete when the enemy stepped out of the way and is moving into position behind you while you're still stabbing straight forward?!?!?!) and I noticed that one of the villains, Janus Cascade, gets ahold of an artifact "spear" called The Eternal Sparkle. Now, the first thing I noticed is That is NOT a spear, it's a sword, then I noticed the shape of it, the design, and the huge freaking eye. I think to myself "That's Soul Calibur!" And thus is went for the rest of chapter 2, fighting him and seeing this Soul Calibur rip off. And then comes the end of chapter 2, when a Blue Armored Knight appears, a Demon from ancient times, and the origional owner of "The Eternal Sparkle". This Blue Armored demon has one arm that looks like a demonic claw, and it takes the Soul Calibur sword, and introduces itself as Seigfried! Now anyon who knows the Soul Calibur story knows what I'm talking about. This is funky. I wanna see what else got stollen!

Update on my absence. Still no internet in the dorms, and now my computer has decided after 3 years of slowly scratching it's disk to shreds to eat the part of the disk that recognizes the keyboard and mouse. Last weeks meal was the part of the disk that recognized Windows Media Player, the week before that was the part that I had installed my wireless keyboard. So now it's eaten the ability to even enter the password to open my computer. Luckily I still have "The Wizard", a 6 gig HD computer with a tower that is almost 2 feet tall that I found on the side of a road in a pile of rubbish some people threw out at the end of the school year. If I can just transplant the HD from the Wizard and possibly a few other parts that I think ae worn down my my 5 year old clunker, I should be back in action since I only really need the Wizards HD for Windows XP, my Secondary and External HDs can do the rest from there... though I'll have to reinstall so may programs... boooo.

Hmm... half an hour in this started going down hill

Of course when Willie removes his shirt, Joel and I are soon to join in.

Little did we know we inspiration would spread like wildfire.

And I somehow got cuffed to a 300lb viking. It was an Awsome party.

I am loving my new job. I got to move to St. Andrews, about 2 hours away from anybody I know. But I work in a frikken CASTLE! www.fairmont.com/algonquin is my new business location, I have done 11 massages, that's 11 hours of work, in a single week and made $385, and on top of that $170 in tips. It's a very luxurious hotel in the summer but it slows down a lot in the winter, but I don't need to be rich, I just need enough to live. I'm right next to the ocean, and on a nice day I can spend 6 hours watching the tide come in. in 6 hours, the water raises 50 feet, and then the tide goes out and then starts all over. It's really neat. The sand is all brick red, there are trees everywhere all turning color this time of year and I've finally got a job that I don't wake up dreading every morning.

Dealing with people 1 on one for a whole hour is awesome, and since I spent 18 months of my life training to be a Massage Therapist, I get the feeling of fulfillment from doing hat I want to do with my life. I either get really nice chatty people, who I find are the best tippers because they get a good chit chat out of it and a massage, and then there are plenty of people who just lay down and fall asleep after 20 minutes, so I'm just doing easy techniques to give my hands a break. My stamina seems to be holding up very well. I worked a 6 hour day with only 2 half hour breaks and walked away without my hands feeling sore at all. In order to keep my body from breaking down though I like to take a good 20 minute boiling hot shower.

The only thing I guess I could say ill about the new life is the dorms I'm staying in. The set up is great. 185 a month, everything but phone and internet included, the room is a nice size with a queen bed. My only issue is that it is a typical college dorm feel to it. The people who are just there hired for the summer that aren't doing it as a career like I am have nonstop loud parties going on until around 2am, the smell of pot in the basement gives me crippling headaches, but asking them not to do it would most certainly gain me enemies, and get me ignored anyways. So I'll just barricade my door so none of the smell can get in, and be out in the fresh air as much as I can. It is a haunted hotel after all. Plenty of ghosts to look for.

So I've been doing research into Why Dragon Ball Z Is The Worst Thought Out Anime Ever, and I've come to the conclusion that it's because it's like they started the whole series without any goal in mind. Like "Alright here's what going to happen in episode 1" ..."Well what happens after that?" "Oh, I'll think of that later."

Example:
Vegeta is all like "I'm the most powerful being in the universe!!!!" and then in the second saga, He's concidered one of the weaklings of Freizas forces

Piccolo destroyed Gokus ship to stop Gohan from being a giant ape going ape shit. Then in the freiza saga, Goku said his ship never got destroyed and has a space ship designed off the technology to get him to Namek

King Kai says that Three years ago the planet vegeta was destroyed by a metero swarm brought on by the earths guardian, when in reality it happened when goku was still a baby and it was done by Freiza, again supporting my story that every episode retconned the previous episode.

Goku is powerful enough to punch a hole through a mountain with a flick of his finger, buy he can still be hurt by stubbing his toe? WTF.

Oh. And The Green Goblin wannabe takes forever to charge a move to kill one weaking enemy but can blow up the moon by pointing at it.


In Conclusion, I am a HUGE HUGE HUGE dork.

this is the 3rd time I've tried to write a diary entry on this fucking useless pieceof shit work computer. It keeps promtping me for some password whenever I try to submit any form entry anywhere, then if I hit cancel, it changes to an error screen and I lose the entry. I'm ready to kick this computer, and the woman next to me because she is stressing every syllibl slowly. She's not talking to anyone hard of hearing, she just always talks like that and it's driving me nuts.
So here is my update:
I went to the interview at the Fiarmont Algonquin (http://www.fairmont.com/algonquin) yesterday. It's a nice spa, if I get the job I'd be working Tuesdays 1-5, Wednesday-Saturday from 9-5, Sunday Monday off. $35 from every massage is mine, no tax deducted, and I could live in the hotel dorms for $180 a month until I can get an apartment of my own. I said I like staying in any job for at least a year.
And if I get the job, my work might be cut very very short. Today Kathryn is going in for a Biopsy of some suspicious cells her doctor noticed at her last checkup. If it turns out to be Cancer, I will be getting my ass there as soon as I can. But in order to do that legally and not as a useless jobless mooch, I need to write the National Board exam, which could take until middle of October, then apply for jobs, which could take forever to hear back from anyone, and THEN 2 months to to get the work visa set up.
The plan up to now, and still is the plan pending the test results, is for her to move here because I have a job that can support us, and then we'll have time to live together and get used to each other until actually getting married, then we can live on either side of the border and work.
If she does have cancer, she is in better hands in Iowa than in the Maritimes. Sure Canadians boast about free health care, but but at the waiting times are horrible. Any medical requirments would be handled much faster in the states. All this worrying is making me sick, and being 2000 miles away and useless is only making things worse. I don't want to lose her.

Just as I'm getting into the idea of working in the States, I get a call from the Fairmont Algonquin hotel nearby saying they want to interview me for a spa position. I never thought I would be annoyed when things start going right.

I guess I'm ready for my next adventure, but the one I have in mind is going to be the most difficult thing ever. I'm trying to find a way to move from New Brunswick, as a Canadian, to the state of Iowa. I understand this may sound stupid as so many people are trying to get into Canada, and yes I know the Pros and Cons and the expenses and what not, but this place no longer feels like home. It feels like a cage, and finding a job in my field when I've got the same training as everyone else around here is difficult too. My school for Massage was more intensive that some of the most acclaimed massage schools in the states.

I understand I can't just pack up and move and get a job. I've done my research to the point where my head feels like it's going to split, and the fact that every time I go to the border they interrogate me about things like do I have a job in Canada, am I coming into the states to find work, am I going to be returning to Canada soon... Makes me feel like me and my money aren't wanted there.
I've been doing my research on places I could apply looked into Green Cards, work visas, sponsors, and expenses (Green Cards are getting harder to get for actual educated people but damned if they don't want to give them to every immigrant who snuck in the back door without having to go through the paperwork like I'm trying to do).

I guess I just want out really. To work, to be near the girl I love, to go back to Iowa where everyone I met was so friendly, the food so good (Mmm Corn)... Odd that Both times I've been there and flown back, the home sickness kicks in once I'm in my own bed again. I've got my parents blessing, and Kathryns parents love me. ~Sigh~ I just want to go back and not have a time limit on my stay.

So if anyone has been through the immigration to work process before, I would really like some information on such things, told by people who have or are going through with it. It's confusing and lonely doing this research and having nobody to answer questions.