so jared had a dream where his ex girlfriend was a duck and she came over with 15 eggs. what the Fuck is going on in his whackass head?
oh dude i am having a time
and i only wish i had a handsome white boy, playing guitar in the background.
and i goes
please do not tire
and i goes
please do not die
and i goes
father, you're such a kickass mofo. FUCK THOSE CLOTS!!
when they told us that he had clots, the doc left and we were just sitting there in silence, because we know it could kill him
and i say "CLOT MAN!! I HAVE A CLOT IN MY LUNG CUZ I'M CLOTMAN!" but like in a superman kind of tune
and my dad laughed.
and i was happy.

and mark says out of the blue...
"you ever had a beanwich?"

oh FUCK FUCK FUCK!!
i am SO FUCKED UP
it is the greatest thing since pie.
vicodin is spelled Vico.
fuck!
ahhaha
so........le victoria has returned
und remo
and she has bestowed upon us the lovely gift of vicodin
so i have taken two, as have mark and jared
in addition we have the miller
and the smirnoff
and the 211
so
i'm fucked up
after 2 pills
2 beers
fucked up
i fuckin love it

rawr!!!!!

i'm wearing doctor gloves right?
and it's nothing like the fuckin movies
where the guy is the protagonist
and there's a damsel in distress
no siree
it's more like the cartoons
where the guy is turning red and steam comes out of his ears
which is of course the meaning of life
ITS GENIUS!!!!
and then they all aplaud
while i say "america is addicted to oil!"
ahahahahHAHAHAHAHAH like spongebob bitch!!

i just feel like being really loud
which is hard when you're stuck on keyboards
and i'm wearing doctor gloves
my dear doctor gloves
i do declare! i can float in the air!
and with some love from above
and fuckin robin williams saying "Beeee yourself!"
and it's the greatest thing in all of america
to cecilia berry
who's a fuckin nutcase
who fuckin loves her boyfriend even though she's going oh my i hope he never leaves me.
oh my i hope he never leaves me
then it's fuckin dorothy gale! lions and tigers and bears!
that girl, jessica gale, she totally reminds me of wizard of oz, even though she's just some mentally retarded whackass from my chorus class
and fuck mr sausage fingers!
but we love saladfingers
which is why the world is such a stupid contradiction!
love the warrior hate the war!
and i says to myself, don't you want to read the amber spyglass again!? and i says to myself hells yeah i'm buskin wilson
and i remember that buskin wilson was pretty damn ugly
but damn he could ride a bull!!!

my dad is in the hospital
for lung blood clots
because he tried to put on his seat belt last week
but at least they won't jab him, they said.
but this is not just one blood clot like last time. this is multiple. my mom says three. but the doctor said there's a whole bunch. using doctor terms obviously, "a whole bunch".
and i just got home at 6:42.
and he's in the ICU
and he's spending the night at sutter before he's getting tansfered to kaiser
and you walk in the door and find the place a shambles. and the couch is moved and the table is moved and there are bootprints from the ambulence people
and that is the story
of january 31st in the Berry family.

and remo and victoria will be here soon.
and i await their arrival
and i do declare
i will twiddle my thumbs

my dad is in the hospital
for lung blood clots
because he tried to put on his seat belt last week
but at least they won't jab him, they said.
but this is not just one blood clot like last time. this is multiple. my mom says three. but the doctor said there's a whole bunch. using doctor terms obviously, "a whole bunch".
and i just got home at 6:42.
and he's in the ICU
and he's spending the night at sutter before he's getting tansfered to kaiser
and you walk in the door and find the place a shambles. and the couch is moved and the table is moved and there are bootprints from the ambulence people
and that is the story
of january 31st in the Berry family.

and remo and victoria will be here soon.
and i await their arrival
and i do declare
i will twiddle my thumbs

and it's funny because i have two choices here. if i were computer-handy i'd draw a picture of it and paste it in here. it's a road. a crossroads. the devils crossroads. a fork stuck in the road. with signs. left. right.
i can feel down, i can feel lonely, i can feel empty, i can feel worthless. i can feel pointless, i can feel like i'm a waste of space. a waste of time. i waste of everyone else's time. or i can grin and go WE MAY BE IN THE LIFE BUT WE AINT SHIT! yeah yeah yeah! you know that we aint shit.
because if i'm pointless then so is the sunset.
if i'm pointless than so are cowboys!
and even if we're pointless, there's no reason for us to disapear!
there's no reason to feel bad about it.
so i can say oh dear me, life sucks and we have an idiot for a president and i hate huell howser and i hate this and i hate that guy for acting like that and i hate this girl for acting like this and i wish i could do something of importance, i can say muahhhahahaahahha skumdiddlywa!
i mean, if i really want to.
but i really do hate that huell howser. and i life really does suck. and we do have an idiot for a president.
but you know, rome wasn't built in a day!
HAHAHHAHHA!~!!
love how irrelevent that is.
i wanna be a star.
bitch
i wanna be the bomb
i wanna be the bees kness
the cats pajamas
i wanna be zen
i wanna be a carnivore
i wanna be a vegetable
i wanna be the coolest cat since king kong
and i wanna do it by friday.
so i says to myself i says
fuckin cecilia you're a star!
and you're the bomb

i may not look it but i'm always serious. serious comes in different forms. Seriously smiling. Seriously crying. seriously grinning. seriously, genuinely, i-mean-it looking into your eyes.
but what do you do when you can't figure it out.
when you add 1 + 1 and you get 1 or sometimes 3?
how hard is it, the dialectics?
tomorrow is the first day of February 2006. No other day is the first day of February 2006
February first sounds like a good day to break some resolutions.
and here i am sitting and thinking about this while somewhere someone is staring thoughtfully at a piece of toast.
not like the truth really matters. we can stretch it far as the fucking mountain tops and the canyons. and we will if we can. and we can and we will. and i can. and i will.
and i'm buskin wilson i ride bulls hells yeah.
and by that i mean i won't compromise my ideals for anyone else.
when you reach a certain point there's no turning back and there's no way you can possibly be the same again.
and i wonder i say to myself when did i change? transfrom. crhysalis. and i say to myself i'm a confused girl. and i feel rejected which is beyond stupid because it's a mood. moods change. everything changes. what's wrong with a caterpiller? why does it have to go and change into a butterfly? just today mr chollet said Things are changing. right here in a notebook, right underneath the part about movies being the new poetry. Things are Changing.
rawr i say to myself
why do they have to go and do that once i start to get used to it?
and i says, well cecilia it's just more proof that life is inconstant. and what would life be if it were constant? not life, that's for sure. like on the end of hitchikers guide to the galaxy everything is the same and suddenly it is moving. changing. that's it. a raging river with calm pools that will lead to rapids soon. sooner than you think.
and there's nothing I can do about it.
i can just take it and have pleasent memories and a pleasent present. which rhymes.
and so i take on the role of Cecilia Roseanne Berry.

and i wish i knew how to handle everything
and i wish i could Get a Grip
this is ridiclous. absurd.
and i'll never amount to anything.

we may be in the life but we aint shit.

i shall name him dandylion
and i will not smash him with the bible

so there's this thing on my wrist.
and we call it a ganglion. and in order for it to shrink and go away, i must stop using my wrist so much.
which means i won't finish my doll for vicky :(
and what it is basically, is this sac of fluid from my joints or something
but it is so fun to poke!
and aside from just chilling with the knitting, i have to massage it gently and kiss it good night.
it's so disgusting to touch!
i can't wait to show my love nacho!
anyway
its gross
the end

my dog is so fucking vicious.
seriously, you look at my crazy white janis joplin chiuahuah and you think vicious!
it's terrifying to have a dog like that around!

for one thing, i need to get my head out of the past.
for another thing, my mom and mark are leaving to sacramento.
which translates to: Cecilia and Glen having a marshmellow popcorn party!
and we can watch harold and maude
and i'm missing my love nacho
and i'm missing my chocolate blondie
and i'm missing my pleurisy buddy
and i'm home alone
it's smoke time
then it's telephone time
to call my love nacho
to call uhhh prince charming
and first its marshmellow popcorn time
BITCH!

we looked like giants


but that was yesterday.
the world has moved on since then
lets stop
spinning that is
ehhh

so once i was curious as to whether the chicken's eggs were baby chickens or future omelettes.
i pray it is the former because hatena that would be so cutie.
i could be like: HOLA IT IS CHICKENS
and they could be like: PEEP AND STUFF LIKE THE CANDY PEEPS
and i'd be like: yum candy peeps that's like super
and they'd be al: YES
and i'd say: WOAH
and then we'd eat peeps
and then
the story would be over.


yes

trying to make some sense
two cabbies trying to explain the world
you're right
i'm right
he's right
yeah right.

Date: 2005-06-19 14:07
Subject: cheer me up today
Security: Public

if my flapjack doesn't find me
if he doesn't prove me right
if he doesn't make me know that i am decent and good
i'm afraid i will do something bad.
if he doesn't open my eyes and say look at how beautiful it all is
if he doesn't put his arms around me and kiss me on the neck
if he doesn't kiss my hand the way dracula would do
if he doesn't let me love him
if he decides to just give up
so too will i.

________________________________
it's funny when you go on livejournal
and find things you wrote last year.
and the things you were concerned about
and the things you thought were important
and your worries and thoughts
and it's like wow
nothing really matters in the long run
again
truth is contingent

my head, it itches so.
i'm sick of the shit i'm sick of.
because i've been sick of it for so long.
and it's like those psychology books.
she just wants a baby because it's someone to talk to.
it's just an escape from her wretched family.
i have this cough, see.
a dry cough.
i have this friend who has arthiris in her chest
i have this friend who has drugs in her system
i have this friend whose cancer numbers have gone down greatly
i have this problem in my stomach that causes me nausea for no reason.
i have this pain in my stomach that grips the sides.
i have this friend inside of my head.
i have this enemey inside of my head.
but it's nothing like the movies.
and it's nothing like skittles but i wish i had skill. because, then i wouldn't need skittles would i?
and i could write a book on family problems so fast.
and i have had a Really Shitty time in my life, but i'm not a bitch and i don't complain (to other people) and i don't..,..
nothing i say is true. i'm just contradicting truth. what was it that wretched book said...? something about truth and opinion and how if you say something, you said it, and it doesn't matter if it's true or not anyway because truth is contingent. obviously, i mutter.
so fuck, i want mushrooms.
i will obtain moneys
and kj and i shall do mushrooms together, if he wants.
and i just feel like shit right now.
but i'd rather not get into that.
that's for livejournal.

dude.
victoria
san jose
i miss kj
long story
very tired
fuck hospitals
victorias getting out finally
she went in on monday
we came here wednesday night
she went into this "procedure"
because she has a uteran vascular malformation.
and the doctors don't actually seem to know what it is.
and they don't know what to do.
they went in the big artery in her leg with a cathavar or whatever the fuck, and the put dye in her leg to see her veins and to see if these artery things are intertwined, and they were, but they were worse than they thought they were. so they tried to block these blood vessals with particles so she won't bleed anymore. but it was unsucessful. so she's out of the hospital today until they get research done.
and vic said well i'm coming back on monday from placer county
and they said monday won't be enough time. and you shouldn't travel.
so she's staying at lucys.
so i'm staying at marinas.
and i only have one other thing to wear.
but i can get over that.
i spent the whole day next to my sister in the hospital.
she was out. she was totally passed out.
and i was knitting, writing, watching the clock go from 9:30 to 9:45 to 10:30 to 10:45 to 11:00 and just waiting for the doctor to come and take her to surgury. and i stayed there until 2:50 before they came.
then we ate some togos and it was spectacular.
then we went back and she was out of surgury/procedure
and i'm sick of hospitals.
and i actually wish i was at school.
i'm reading this book the realm of truth, and it's really awesome. by awesome i mean thought provoking which sounds kind of gay but i really like it so HUH!
yeah that was kind of a wrestler noise, there should be some gs in ther like huuahhhgghhh
and either i'm hallucinating, the scale at home is wrong, the scale at my aunts house is wrong, or i lost like 8 pounds.

i'm a whackass
but i'm done beatin myself up about it
because i'm not actually feeling so shitty anymore
because i read all these old diary notes
and i was fucking happy
for no reason at all
and i kept saying "i wish i had beer" or like "beery dreams" or "if i only had beer" and today it's like well hey, i was happy then without beer and now i Have beer! so fuck, i'll just drink a beer then everything will be like a party
with glen, my beautiful son with a missing tooth
and we can have a disco.
and it's a fuckin party up in herr.
and it's ilke mc donalds
da da da da da i'm lovin it BITCH
hahahh~!
yaaayyy

i am a horrible person.











but dear god i see it.
i see the happiness.
i see the sadness.
then i'm just confused.
and now i'm just confused.
and it's sad.
and then i'm in the middle of my civics class and i want to cry, if given half a chance i could start bawling.
but it doesn't affect anyone else that way, so then i'm looking around the room and i'm alone.
and i feel stupid
and i feel like they're stupid
which is a stuipd conclusion to come to
and i hear kj saying i think cecilia needs some new adjectives
and i half smile and half think shut up stupid
and i'm going FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
because i'm not stupid
right?
right?
obviously, if i'm looking to another person for the answer to a question important only to me
a philosopher is nothing
was nothing
never will be

hakuna matata



i just want to......be okay.

but i have an itch inside
for beer
for taste
for love
for hate
for pain
for death
for murder
for sobs
for that hell that comes when i drink and vomit and i feel like my entire body hates me.
for the feeling i get when someone tells me the complete and bitter truth
for the feeling i get when i feel like shit, that shit feeling
for a cigarette
for something i can't find in books.

and i wish more than anything that i could shut up.
because obviously, cecilia, it's your fucking fault you're so understood. you hate when people know you. you hate when people seem to understand you. yet where do they get that shit except from the shit you do. you're not exactly written in a foreign language.
i just wish i were a fucking mystery
hidden in the back pages
i'm sick of being cecilia
i just...wish the world were a better place.
and i'm fucking starting to cry
so i say
obviously if i drink the 211s...the world will be a better place.
right?
right?
i'm so weak. so fucking weak
and pathetic
and i care.

okay fuck it i'm going to keep complaining, but this time about those fucking externalities.
so mark takes the car, right?
and my mom is raging, kicking up the stage, and i am telling her to calm down please because i can't you can't we can't do anything about it.
and then there's remo and victoria
and what are they doing right now?
and there's beer in the fridge.
211s, 4 of them.
and i'd drink them if not for the fact that mark paid for them with his pain his last paycheck
meaning he was sad because of stephanie
and we were at the pet store
right across the street from chevys
and he was watching her walk
but at least i know my mom has the cigarettes
little miss i quit smoking
little miss i'm so sweet and gentle and come here i'll give you a hug
then here i am at my fucking worst
and believe you me i hate my fucking worst
its the worst that would destroy a fucking field of daisies and stomp the fuck out of them and laugh and laugh and laugh.
and laugh.
and laugh
and cry
and choke on tears and vomit and smoke and beer.
and then i'd be like HEY HEY! HEY!!!!! and yell at some random stranger about something that you know he didn't do.
you KNOW he didn't do.
you know i didn't do.
but i'm back on the inside now
and no one needs to hear about that.
.......
recently my mom's been watching british television every night around this time.
i mean, right now i could be watching the news or something, not that that would make me feel any better.
i'm awfully sore because of weight training
fucking at the library i was talking to mark about weight training
and the kid dustin goes "you do NOT need weight training"
and i was like whatever
but the whole time i wanted him to leave
but i couldn't just be like hey fucking guy get out of my face, because he wasn't annoying me too bad, just a little.
and i don't want to be mean when he was just looking for a bit of conversation
i mean
pathetic conversation with a random person at the library
but still
then there's the lights going on on all areas of the house
and my mom's all flipping out
which means the house will be clean tomorrow
and every time i get over my problems or any kind of problem, some SHIT happens and i'm back at square one. not even like take 6 steps back, more like oh you're back at start bitch magiclike!
which is like the hand of god, invisable
and she goes "i can't believe he did that, the little shit."
and i'm concentrating only on the fact that she's taking off her jacket
that jacket, to me, means only Marlboro.

i'm a waste
a drug addict
an alkie
or at the very least the beginnings of one
the begining when i'm just a stupid kid forcing problems onto myself like a fucking self centered BITCH
and worse yet, i know i shouldn't be talking so much shit to myself Right Now
but i'm doing it
and why
i don't know
i feel like i deserve everything bad in the world
i feel like i deserve some random library kid to bore me to death with titles of sex books.
i feel like i deserve to sit and listen to mrs babcock
i feel like i deserve everything crap in the world
so now that i'm feeling like this, at least i'm not thinking i'm too good for school!
hahahhahahahhAHHAHAH! FUCK I HATE CONTRADICTION!
FUCK I HATE MY MOM!
FUCK I HATE MY SCHOOL
FUCK I HATE EVERYTHING
so i'll just blow my fucking head off
STUPID!
god damn the way the mind works is extraordinary
extrordinarily stupid
fuck humans
fuck existance
fuck the fact that i'm actually horribly consistent
consistent in my rages
and my loves
and my hates
and my greats
FUCK IT ALL
and there it is, the bitch that dwells inside me, right?
remember.,....the bitch with no name is what me and amanda called her.
i cant wait to fucking get out of this
i can't wait for my happiness to come back
i've been pissed for a few days
it's pissing me off.
i can't wait



i want to go to the monteray bay aquarium
i want remo and victoria to return home
i don't want victoria to die
i don't even know whether that's a possibility
i dont' know whether i should drink a beer...

i don't want to keep writing but if i stop nothing good can come of it.
i'm not just going to go upstairs and read and do homework.
i'm going to drink, smoke, scream, cry and feel sad that kj isn't going to call even though i hecka want him to
but it doesn't matter because his call wouldn't do anything for me.
same as all those fucking books in the library didn't do anything for me.
same as in n out didn't do anything for me.
same as seeing shannon didn't do anything for me
same as the beer won't do anything for me
same as birth didn't do anything for me
same as school aint doing shit
same as fucking grammar never meant a thing
same as life didn't mean a thing

and i'm going so-silly-a, don't you know? can't you look around and see the beauty.
can't you lay down in the middle of school and watch a bird fly from one tree to another and call it Love.
can't you see a dust fluff float through your english and call it beauty?
can't you see fucking anything?
and call it truth.
and call it metaphysical.
(just don't call me late for dinner)
but its so hard to keep two minds at once
at once
that's the only hard part
its like if i were only
1
i would be only
1
but if i am only
2
then i am fucking
screwed
times 2
and i'm just



i'm sorry for the bother.

other than that i'm feeling great.