<<<un-slashy fics

Nathan

Nathan 

I woke up at the normal time, six thirty.Read a few paragraphs of my book and munched on two chocolate digestives, it’s the only time I get to myself until I go to bed. Yes, I know I should be eating plain digestives, there are 84 calories in a chocolate digestive and I know Sarah at weight watchers would give me one of her stern ‘fine bloat like a beach ball and see if I care’ looks, but… (and I quote the packet) ‘biscuits are a treat and should be consumed as part of a healthy and balanced diet’ so it’s okay.
Finally, I felt brave enough to venture out of bed. I opened the curtains and looked out. It was a typical November morning. A pale blue sky, spattered with clouds here and there was a gentle breeze rustling through the bare trees. Nathan’s bike was missing, I assumed he was out doing his paper round like he usually is on Thursdays - he'd be back at seven as he always was. I made myself a cup of tea and pottered around making lunch for the twins and set the table for breakfast.
It was quarter past seven when I looked at my watch again. The twins were sat at the table making a right old mess with their Coco Pops and argueing about Pokemon or something...
“Mummy… who would win in a Pokémon battle?”
Oooh… crikey. Smile, pretend you know what you’re saying. Think of a Pokémon character quick. “Ooh... well that’s difficult to answer…” I looked around for inspiration one of the kids had a mug with one of those little creatures on. “Oh I know! That little yellow one with pointy ears…Peek-a-boo!”
The twins looked at me blankly. Well at least they stopped arguing.
“Mummy. It’s Pikachu.”
Well I tried.
I sat down and sipped my now lukewarm cup of tea. Nathan wasn't back yet. He was never late.
At half past I had to take the twins to the child-minder's, I thought I'd better go and check Nathan's room in case he hadn't heard his alarm.
I knocked.
No answer.
"Nathan?" I cooed, knocking again.
Nothing.
So I slowly opened the door to find his bed was empty apart from a folded piece of paper...

Dear Mum,
I'm seventeen years old now...

Seventeen years, had it really been that long? I remember the day he was born as if it were yesterday. He was beautiful. Big blue eyes, little button nose and he was so tiny. The big pain was he looked a lot like his father who had left me four months before I gave birth. He said he couldn't cope with the responsibility. You'd think a grown man of 25 could cope with a baby wouldn't you? I did, but I was wrong. Jonathan, being the man he was, left me to deal with it alone. To be fair he sent me one hundred pounds a month to cover costs but the payments fizzled out by the time Nathan was 18 months old.

... I know you’ve always tried your best with me, and the twins, and I appreciate it...

It's funny, however much you do for your children, you always feel like you should be doing more. I was working full time and any time I had spare was spent with Nathan, trying to be the best mother I could be. Unfortunately spare time was rare. I had to send Nathan to a child-minder for most of the day while I was at work. Our child-minder, Linda looked after six children during the day; Nathan was always the first to arrive and the last to leave. The other kids teased him, I don’t know how much Nathan was affected by their bullying, he was a quiet boy, he still is. Linda said that Nathan seemed unhappy so I asked him what had been going on. It took quite a long time to get it out of him, but finally he told me. He said the other children always asked him why his parents never came to pick him up, asked him where his Dad was, they said that I didn't love him which is why I left him with Linda all day, everyday.
Kids can be so cruel.

…All those times you worked late when I was younger, I know I nagged at you then, but I understand why you had to now. I just wanted my Mum…

I wanted him too, I didn’t try to work long hours, I had to, so there would be clothes on our backs and food on the table. I’m glad he understands that now, but why has he gone? Where has he gone? I had to sit down, tears were beginning to prickle my eyes.


…I just wanted my Mum, and well, I never got her did I? When you met Darren it was great, I was so happy when he moved in with us, with you both having jobs and earning money I thought I’d see more of you, but instead you got pregnant and had the twins…

Darren, yes. Darling Darren, I wished he was with me. He was away in Germany on a business conference, I couldn’t call him now.
When Darren moved in I felt so much release, I could shorten my hours at the factory and pick Nathan up earlier from Linda’s. He was in his fifth year of Primary School and he had made a lot of friends. When I picked Nathan up he seemed happy enough to see me but there was always a certain look in his eyes which told me that something was bothering him. I asked him countless times but he’d never tell. I spoke to his teachers, to Linda and even to his friends’ mothers but they all said he seemed fine. I guess it was mother’s intuition that told me something was wrong but I never found out what.

He was like it throughout his teens, and as he got older the pain in his eyes grew stronger.

…I don’t resent them in the slightest, I know that having kids with Darren made you happy so I didn’t say anything. I guess I can tell you now that, well I felt pushed out. You never seemed to have time for me. I know teenage boys are supposed to be detached from their parents but I just wanted us to be close. Probably because I missed out when I was younger.

So that’s what was bothering him, I wish he’d told me, it wouldn’t have hurt my feelings or made me upset. I could have changed, I could have made more time for him. Instead he felt the twins needed my attention more than him so he kept quiet. He always thought of everyone else’s feelings, always put their needs before his own. A remarkable thing for a teenager I know but I always knew Nathan was different. He got on better with adults and people his own age. Don’t get me wrong, he had his own friends but rather than go out playing football, he’d prefer to spend an excessive amount of time on the computer. Especially in recent months.

…What with balancing your job, Darren and the twins I could tell you were getting stressed so I thought I should help you out by lightening the load a little. That’s why I spent more time on the computer, finding new friends that I could share my problems with. My friends at school wouldn’t understand, they were more into football and cars and girls. Girls had problems, not young men like us. So I kept quiet…

He could have spoken to me! Oh I drove my son away. It’s my fault he’s gone now. How selfish of me. How foolish of me. I was so stupid to neglect my own son.

…I met a girl called Emma, I told her about my life, about how dad left you before I was born, and she asked me if I ever wondered what my dad was doing now. Well of course I did. I’d always wondered. Not that you and Darren weren’t enough, but there were so many things I wanted to know, so many questions I needed to be answered. I only know half my family, I mean for all I know my great uncle could be a famous footballer or something and if it hadn’t been for Emma I’d have never found out…

So he missed his father. He felt something was missing. I just assumed that by marrying Darren, Nathan would treat him as a father figure, just like I assumed Jonathan and I would raise Nathan together.
‘If it hadn’t been for Emma I wouldn’t have found out…?’ Found out what?

…she found this website where you could trace your family members. I knew that dad’s name was Jonathan Grahams so I searched for him and guess what? I found him. I found him Mum! I was overjoyed, it was brilliant, now all my questions could be answered. That’s all I wanted, to tie up loose ends, to find out more about myself. I didn’t mean for it to go this far Mum. Please don’t be upset, or angry…

Angry? No. Upset? A little. It feels like he wasn’t satisfied with all I did for him, even though he said he appreciated it. 

....So we started emailing each other. About twice a month, then once a week then maybe more than that. He’s just like me Mum, he’s into physics and supports Rovers. He asked me a few months ago if I wanted to go see a game with him. So I did. I wanted to tell you mum I really did but I didn’t want to upset you. We had a great time, and I told him how I was feeling at home. I told him about you and Darren and the twins. And he said that maybe I could live with him if I wanted to. 

Oh he did, did he? That bastard.
He deserted me when I was pregnant because he couldn’t cope with the responsibility and after 17 years of looking after Nathan, Jonathan just strolls along and takes him from me. Just like that. Gone.

I felt bad Mum when I said yes, honestly I did. I know you love me and I love you too but without me you can spend more time with Darren and the twins. I’ll call you every week and I’ll visit you as often as you like…

As often as I like? Everyday. I couldn’t go a day without seeing my little boy. He may be seventeen years old and six foot tall but inside, he’s still my little boy.

...I’m sorry Mum, I didn’t want to hurt you which is why I wrote this letter rather than you put you through the goodbyes. I will call you as soon as I get settled in. I just want you to know that I’m safe here with Dad. I’ll be okay.
Please don’t worry about me.

How can I not worry?

Just remember, I love you and always will.
Your Son,

My Son,

Nathan.


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