Bob's Diner

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Page name: Bob's Diner [Logged in view] [RSS]

2022-01-26 00:23:33

Last author: Mortified Penguin
Owner: Sagacious Turkey

# of watchers: 289

D20: 11

Wiki-page rating	Stumble!
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(Formerly Chuck's)

^{Abandon all outside food and drinks, ye who enter here.

a limerick, by [Mortified Penguin]

.........Welcome to Bob's Diner,

ain't no place finer!

The food is good,

we're always in tha 'hood,

and [Sagacious Turkey] is a whiner!

As seen in [iippo]'s diary!

This wiki sponsored in part by the [Sunrose] Does Not Suck committee

and the [pixish] art committee

_{by [Teufelsweib]}}

Menu:

Show content

|Da menyou|

<img150*0:stuff/aj/11111/bobsdinerspecial.png>

'If you are what you eat, then we're easy, fast and cheap!'

Don't see sumthin ya like on da menu? Well, add to it!

<img:stuff/b.GIF.gif>

^{_{Breakfast

1. Shakin' Bacon $1.50

2. Godzilla Eggs $1.20

3. Hash Browns $1.00

4. Hash Greens $1.00

5. Texas toast (this isn't really from texas) $2.00

6. French Toast (This isn't actually from France either) $3.50

7. French Fries (nope, still not from france...) $1.50

8. French Bread (NOT FROM FRANCE!!!) $1.25

9. French Wine (not from France exactly... it might have fallen off a truck,... but i don't know anything *whistles innocently*)

10. Mortified News-Paper-Colored-Breakfast-Sandwich $2.50

Lunch

1. Bob's special of the day: Sun. grilled cheese, Mon. leg of lamb, Tues. leg of bob, Wed. something we found on the street, Thurs. hamburger, Fri. tacos we stole from Taco Bell, Sat. you don't want to know. $4.19

2. hamburger & fries $4.00

3. uncooked ham (a live pig) $10.24

4. a bowl of fresh lard $3.49

5. Texas toast (this isn't really from Texas) $2.00

6. think of the nastiest thing you've ever seen or smelled... nope, nastier... yup thats it! $5.99

7. raw chicken liver with a dog drool sauce. $7.82

8. La Ham and cheese $2.30

9. Bob's Mama $1 an hour

10. Garfield's mama $0.50 an hour

11. sirloin $6.00

12. Sir. Loin (some British guy) £6.00

13. boiled Chef Zef $0.99

14. 3-legged lamb - whole: $10.00/ each leg: $2.00

15. fried Alley Gator $5.00

16. Plain poodle: $3.00/ Extra crispy poodle: $3.50

17. Poo Stew $2.25

18. Mashed taters and dressed up alligators $5.50

19. Woops, I sneezed... Oh well, might as well put it to good use... "snot sandwich" $1.25

20. Roasted n00b $4.00

21. Bloody Rock $1.50

22. Flattened road kill squirrel $4.75

23. Fresh n00b with blood croutons $4.50

24. [Shaggy13]'s soup $1.12

25. Turkey Jerkey $0.50

26. A Jerkey Turkey $5.00

27. YO MOMMA with a side of fries and a large soda $0.00

28. [Rolo]'s special: Mouse burger and french flies all for just $2.50

29. [Blvd. of broken dreams]'s Acid Kisses free to try then 4 easy payments of $19.95 to buy!!!!

30.

31. Micheal Jackson's nose $10.75

32. elf on the cob $5.50/whole elf $9.25

33. [spitfire_35121]'s mole 500,000.00

34. An Orange Chicken ¥300.00

35. Ground beef Carl $3.25

36. The Deep Fried Moose Combo $6.99

37. [sara(:]'s kitty.......$o.ooo9 per hour..

38. viagra pill $300

39. gobbler....?

40. a big fat bowl of ramen ¥800.00

41. hootchie cootchie $2.00

42. Burgers from McDonald's $1.00

43. Make Your Own Road Kill (Brought to you by MatchBox) $ 6.90

44. Deep Fried Squirrel Quesadilla $ 1.50

45. Eel Burger (it's shockingly delicious!) $3.4¾ (WARNING: Eel Burger may kill consumer. We are not responsible. Blame the eels!)

46. Selfish Shellfish Soufflé $4.99 (plus tip!)

47.All the grief, horror, madness,[Lethan] and opium-addled reverie you can shake a Victorian gentleman's walking stick at for a mere $5

48. [Eloura]'s Busted gut still fresh and good, for a nere (and this is a SALE people) $9.99

49. [Duke Devlin]'s Small Bacon Bit Babies. They are a delious bacony treat for any meal. $15,999.99 It's a real steal deal kids!

50. [Araglas]'s Zombie body food, just ask, it's good, and very fresh! Only $5.99!

51. All you can eat: [HardRockAngel]'s little brother: an endless supplie of meat. $12.99

Appetizers

1. half a cracker $1,000,000

2. Bloody Rock $1.50

3. [sara(:]'s (very little) Brain $2.00

4. [Fallen Child Athena]'s Foamy the Squirrel $5000.00 ((i stole him hahahahahaha))

5. [Mortified Penguin]'s intelligence (not a very big meal...) $0.25

6. Slice of maggot cheese $1.50

7. Cooked Sushi $4.50

8. Tumble Weed $1,000.01

9. [Fallen Child Athena]'s "happy crack".......$1.50((its weed))

10. Bowl of tears $.50

11. Crickets (a bowl full) $0.50

12. "Eye Rolls" $1.50

13. Corn on the toes $1.50

14. cooked sushi $2.00

15. Big, huge, throbbing, hot, juicy... breadsticks! $DAH.LER

16. [Mortified Penguin]'s ashes $Free to try $39.95 to buy

17. [Blvd. of broken dreams]'s leg (stays fresh for about a month) hehe jr., i told you!!!1

17. Military Intelligence (not much there) $9,999 {brought in by [Fallen Child Athena])

19. Fresh squeezed hangover from [Evolution X]

20. Ganondorf's Noodly Appendage (note: not big enough to be considered full meal) $4.00

21. Peanuts of Pathos $free with the purchase of a drink (In loving memory of our dear old friend, [Paul Doyle].)

22. Flagon of Dragon Lotion. Not sure what to make of this, frankly. It's not really a drink . . . have this with Peanuts of Pathos, perhaps? Do you have what it takes to consume this? I'm not sure I do.

23. [Mortified Penguin]'s head on a fake cheap silver platter.

24. Blubber nuggets, made with the finest whale blubber in the world! (YUM!) $100.00

Dinner

1. [Mortified Penguin]'s squeegey $0.10

2. DUSTIN'S MAMA and a condom......we'll pay you...take it,we don't want "it".....

3. Sasmooko's Shoe $1.75

4. A leg $Shoot something, or someone

5. [Fallen Child Athena]'s bunny rabbit..........$1.50

6. The "lame-@$$-mo'-frickin'-gay-infested-puppy-hating-country-o'-france" Special. (May include: French toast, french fries, french bread, french vanilla, french dressing, a lovely french dipping sauce, and a sexy lonely french woman that likes to french kiss) $19.95 if you order in the next ten minutes! ...plus shipping and handling...

7. [Evolution X]'s famous Spaghetti and eyeballs.

8. A Big Freakin' Bowl of Ramen $0 (Free for Mort, everyone else gets charged a mandatory $10 tip for the waiter)

9.Ugly stack of papers with protective cover. Looks to have been dropped into a beef broth by a sad, worn out, uncreative idiot. Yarg. (munches on a news-paper-colored-breakfast-sandwich) $2.00

10.Gammon with Fluff & gravy =] $0

11.Not so fresh puppy €7.00 (Other than brown colored +¥5.28)

12. [Scarekrow]'s Harden the fuck up special (with your choise of fist to the face or foot to the ass)................$25.00

13. Chuck Norris Stew with a side of sucker-punch and piss-in-your-pants. Priceless

Dessert

1. brownie-a-la-mode $2.00

2. crap-a-la-commode $2.00

3. artichoke pie $1.50

4. "cheese cake" (literally made of cheese) $1.75

5. Iced ice $0.50

6. Glazed rocks $0.75

7. Punkin Pie (full of fresh baked punks...) $2.00

8. Rake Cake (wanna do something special for your hard working rake for it's birthday? get this!) $1.75

9. n00b-a-la-blood $2.00

10. "Cow Pie" $2.00

11. [Phil Crooked]'s manhood $9,999,999,999.50

12. [Phil Crooked]'s manhood, FROSTED, $2

13. "apple sauce" $1

14. [nokaredes]'s old cast $how much you got?

15. [ikkle sid] for the night chocolate sauce included 4 all u randy twats lol ... $1,000,000,000

16. [Archeress of Mirkwood]'s liver flavored ice cream $2.50

17. [Archeress of Mirkwood]'s chocolate flavored moth-balls $1.75 per box

18. Bert and Ernie's every flavor spleens... er... I mean... beans. $1.00 per box

19.[bluefairy27]'s deadly blow fish surprise.$3.50

20. [Evolution X]'s Eskimo pie (from real eskimos)

21. Pink, fluffy and tasty Watapon (Warning: Not really tasty)

22. Vasturcro, free! (plus $20 in taxes, $35 for the food, which is $65, totaling out to $127)

23. Sweet, cherry, and pied crow pie, $2.33

Drinks

1. anything we can liquefy in the blender $1.00

2. snot $1.00

(smaller gap)

3. urine $1.00

4. "mystery meat juice" $1.00

5. liquid lard $1.00

6. [Fallen Child Athena]'s special "coffee" $1.95

7. goat milk $1.00

8. watered down tea $1.00

9. Turkey Milk $1.00

10. A Pint of Blood $0.50

11. A Quart of Blood $1.00

12. Goblet Of Blood On The Rocks $2.50

13. Rat Milk $1.00

14. Snow Coco $1.00

15. Hot, steaming cup of Coffee $1.00 (per cup)

16. Liquid ice $2.50 per pound

17. A "booty" shake $6.66

18. From the makers of Granny's Bunyan Creme and Granny's Homegrown Arsenic... we bring you... Granny's Hard Rubbing Alcohol! Not only does it get you hammered more than a nail, but it also helps heal your internal cuts! (WARNING: Granny's Hard Rubbing Alcohol will NOT heal your internal cuts. In fact, it may make them worse. We are not responsible for any injuries and/or death. Blame Granny!) $Depends on how "under the influence" you are.

19.something [Lethan] squeezed out of a brick

20. An Epic Fail (Brought in by Veari)

21. Tead down water(purified) $50.00

22. Special Equestrian "Mayonnaise" Smoothie}}

Bob's Diner Status Report:
_{Bob's Diner Status Report
^{All numbers and stats are approximate and lead to irregularities when double checking, due to faulty math and [Elftron] screwing with wiki comments and information sometimes. Don't blame us. Blame [Hedda].}

Year

04/05

05/06

06/07

07/08

08/09

09/10

10/11

11/12

12/13

13/14

14/15

15/16

16/17

17/18

18/19

19/20

20/21

Comments

9709

3870

3065

5676

4309

2879

5259

1697

0984

0756

0394

0177

0384

1677

0471

0285

0118

Average

26.6 cpd

10.6 cpd

08.4 cpd

15.5 cpd

11.8 cpd

07.9 cpd

14.4 cpd

04.7 cpd

02.7 cpd

02.1 cpd

01.1 cpd

00.5 cpd

01.1 cpd

04.6 cpd

01.3 cpd

00.8 cpd

00.3 cpd

Total Comments

09709

13579

16644

22320

26666

29545

34804

36501

37484

38240

38634

38839

39223

40900

41371

41656

41774

Total Average

26.6 cpd/9709 cpy

18.6 cpd/6789 cpy

15.2 cpd/5548 cpy

15.3 cpd/5580 cpy

14.6 cpd/5333 cpy

13.5 cpd/4924 cpy

13.6 cpd/4972 cpy

12.5 cpd/4563 cpy

11.4 cpd/4165 cpy

10.5 cpd/3824 cpy

09.6 cpd/3512 cpy

08.9 cpd/3237 cpy

08.3 cpd/3017 cpy

08.0 cpd/2921 cpy

07.6 cpd/2758 cpy

07.1 cpd/2604 cpy

06.7 cpd/2457 cpy

Until The End of the Friscal Year and the Next Status Report

Since The End of the Last Friscal Year

Since B's D's Founding}

Friscal Reports:

Show content

   Next Friscal Report:

_{Total: An unknown, futuristic XXXXX

Future paragraphs.

   Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 39223

Paragraphs.

   Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38839

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38634

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38240

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 37484

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 36501

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A settling, halfsome 34804

As we all know, Bob's Diner has a comment based economy. As comment averages rise, Bob's Diner prospers. When they fall, Bob's Diner slips into a violent depression and has thoughts of suicide. It often cries itself to sleep at night, wondering how it's going to feed its 27 children. So, you can clearly see why the more comments you make, the better off we are and the less I'll hate you.

With that in mind, this year was certainly better than last year, but not nearly as better as the year before the year before last year, which is the best except for the one that was better which was the year before the year before that. Following this trend, we can predict that next year, the year following this year, will be the year that comes after this year. However, as this year is already over, we've already entered into the new year, meaning that this year isn't this year but last year and next year is this year, not the year after this year. So, with this other stuff I just said in mind, I suspect that, since this year is now this year, not next year, the comments will continue steadily trending upward, unless they don't. Realistically speaking though, and following the current data, the comment average will take a two year nose dive into the worst recession we've seen yet before going back up in 14/15.

So, the comments were alright this year. But, why weren't they alrighter? It was likely because of two bannings of members that were previously highly productive commenters: Artsie and Mystin. They will be missed. Not really though. In other news, CEO, international sex superstar, and self-proclaimed CEO, [Mortified Penguin], will be stepping down as manager today and stepping up some stairs. That lead to the manager's office. Where he will be crowned manager. Also, [Nioniel] stole our 'i'.

(This has been a vaguely worded announcement by a guy typing things.)

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: An unsettling, unwholesome 29545

More Obama related mishaps have taken quite a toll on Bob's Diner this year. That, coupled with [53406] as manager, has resulted in 1430 less comments than last year. Which brings the average number of comments for the friscal year to a miserable 7.9 a day and the average for all time down to 13.5 a day. We've determined the cause of the missing 37 comments from 07/08 to be homicide. Police are investigating the contents of Misty's stomach in hopes of finding remains. So far, nothing but rat skeletons and bear feces has turned up.

No new members for the entire year (that I know of. I haven't really checked, I'm just assuming). Likely Misty's fault. In this past friscal year, B's D has apparently become /b/'s D. Our big 'B' will be missed.

For this upcoming friscal year, I will be taking over as manager once more (until it becomes apparent that the numbers will be down, at which point I will hand ownership back to Turkey). I plan to run this Diner the way it was meant to be run... straight into the ground. First off, budget cuts everywhere! No more of this "getting Christmas off to be with family" nonsense. Workers will now work 367 days a year or be fired (at)(with bazookas).

(This has been a public dis-service announcement from CEO and self-proclaimed sexual offender, [Mortified Penguin].)

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A nice, wholesome 26666.

So, we never did find out what happened to those poor, unfortunate 37 comments. They will be missed. This friscal year, we had a disappointing 4309 comments. The lower number is speculated to be the fault of Obama, the recession, and, of course, Misty. Though it wasn't as good as last year's or the 04/05 year, it's still better than the dismal period from 2005 to 2007. The 08/09 numbers are still a pretty decent accomplishment, considering Elftown's sharp decline in members.

In this passing friscal year, we (and by 'we' I mean 'I') have managed to get a whole bunch of new members and casual visitors... thanks to good ol' fashion spamming. Speaking of meat byproducts, the Diner is now under [53406]'s control once more, meaning that he's the one that should be held responsible for the poor friscal report! ...Get 'im! ...*eats ramen*...

(This has been a public service announcement from ex-CEO and casual rapist, [Mortified Penguin].)

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: 22320 (though it should be 22357!)

This leaves some 37 missing comments. It is Bob's Diner's top priority to find these missing comments and bring them home safely.

Thanks to the brilliant leadership of [Mortified Penguin], Bob's Diner has had it's second best year yet! We nearly doubled those comments from last year and even brought B's D out of it's depression. So remember... support the Ramen Party and Bob's Diner in the next friscal (that's right! friscal!) year... every comment counts. (This has been a public service announcement from CEO, Mortified Penguin.)}

^{_{Previous B's D}}

^{_{By posting comments to Bob's Diner, you grant a world-wide, royalty-free, and exclusive license to [Mortified Penguin] to steal your dumb jokes, musings, ramblings, nonsequiter nonsense, and general comments and publish them in a legally questionable screenplay, which will then be fashioned into a highly problematic and excessively meta book. All posters, now and prior to this post, forfeit copyright ownership of all comments to [Mortified Penguin]. Any profits from said screenplay book will belong solely to [Mortified Penguin], who is handsome, and who also reserves the right to not give you credit for your dumb comments. The addition of this message to this wiki covers all comments forthwith and hithertofore. By continuing to post on Bob's Diner and by having previously posted on Bob's Diner, you forfeit any and all rights to litigation against [Mortified Penguin]. However, if one of your stolen comments results in legal trouble for [Mortified Penguin], all copyrights and intellectual property rights for the aforementioned problematic comments will be returned to the original poster, who will take on all legal responsibilities. Finally, to the judge who will inevitably read this, FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE BITCH. YOU DON'T HAVE THE BALLS TO FIND ME GUILTY. YOU LITTLE PUSSY. I AM ABOVE THE LAW. I DO NOT RESPECT THE AUTHORITY OF YOUR COURT AND THE SECOND I LEAVE THIS COURTROOM, I'M HEADING STRAIGHT TO YOUR HOUSE TO SKULLFUCK YOUR WIFE INTO A COMA. YEAH, THAT'S A THREAT. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? JUDGE ME? COWARD.}}

2017-11-15 [Mortified Penguin]: If I remember correctly, there was a Christmas contest that was poorly advertised and nobody entered except me. Rather than let me win first place in every category, Sunny decided to extend the deadline to let other people enter. I complained and demanded all the badges I had earned and Sunny and Silvie apparently didn't take too kindly to that. So Sunny got Silvie to just ban her and then Silvie left shortly thereafter. Meanwhile, I'm still waiting on tons of first place badges.

2017-11-15 [Mortified Penguin]: Personally, I find my various Elftown sassings to be hilarious, but the guards always seem to disagree for whatever reason. As for those free ads, they all suck and are lame! Those should be my free ads! But I can't remember my Project Wonderful password and I don't feel like making a new account and new ads...

2017-11-15 [Mortified Penguin]: But at least I finally managed to Delete Sunrose Now! Now there's only one guard left standing in my way... *glares at Yuri*

2017-11-15 [Yuriona]: Yeah... good luck with that. :3

2017-11-15 [Mortified Penguin]: But seriously though, I need to get into the kitchen. Please stop standing in my way.

2017-11-16 [Imperator]: I'm unsurprised that the counter-culture soul of ET all those years ago is a guy posting dank memes today. All the people who were running ET more or less fit into today's "snowflake" category I'd say. Could that be why they hated Mort?

2017-11-16 [Imperator]: I can't imagine 0 cent ads bringing in much revenue... Maybe Hedda just got rich in the meantime and has the server's bills on auto-pay?

2017-11-16 [Imperator]: Only now am I beginning to realize what a haven of cultural cancer this place was! Wow! It all makes sense now...

2017-11-16 [Mortified Penguin]: The guards hated me for expressing my opinions. That and they were all jealous women who lusted after me, but knew they could never have me, because my heart belonged to my career in paleontology. Back me up here, Yuri! And don't bring up any of your crazy conspiracies about me hacking the site repeatedly, that's ridiculous. But the guard forums are boring now though. :(

2017-11-16 [Imperator]: I can't imagine that there is anything at all to talk about in the guard forums... All the drama is so quaint looking back on it. Everyone was SO touchy about commenting on "official" pages and cluttering it all up! Haha! It seemed like most people's primary concern was shutting down their pages' comment sections (eerily forecasting what was to come to whole news websites and Reddit...) I guess they eventually achieved their goal though cuz everyone died!!

2017-11-16 [Imperator]: <img:stuff/aj/174089/1510806881.png>

2017-11-16 [Mortified Penguin]: And they still try to suppress my freedom of speech to this day! I have every right to spam Bob's Diner 60 times a day, this is AMERICA, not some third world shithole like Sweden! *spits on [Elftron]*

2017-11-16 [Sagacious Turkey]: *starts lining up for free helicopter rides*

This is gonna be so much fun!

2017-11-16 [Mortified Penguin]:

2017-11-16 [Imperator]: <img:stuff/aj/174089/1510865167.jpg>

2017-11-16 [Imperator]: <img:stuff/aj/174089/1510865185.png>

2017-11-16 [Imperator]: <img:stuff/aj/174089/1510865200.jpg>

2017-11-16 [Imperator]:

2017-11-16 [Mortified Penguin]: Hey, you can't be racist here. Yuriona is a black man and probably doesn't appreciate your shenanigans.

2017-11-16 [Mortified Penguin]: Plus, bigotry is so childish anyway and we really should all just get alon- LISTEN HERE, YOU GODDAMN KIKE, IF YOU DON'T STOP TRIMMING DOWN THE EDGES OF THESE PENNIES, I'M GOING TO START TAKING BITES OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN BAGELS, YOU HEAR ME?! *violently throws a handful of jagged pennies at the greasy Jew*

*he mutters in Hebrew and slinks back into the shadows*

2017-11-17 [Yuriona]: I'm a black man? O_o

2017-11-17 [Mortified Penguin]: I mean, I assumed.

2017-11-17 [Yuriona]: I'm not a black man and no, I probably don't appreciate the shenanigans.

2017-11-17 Library: Wait, what did you say about Gary Johnson? That man climbs mountains!

2017-11-17 [Mortified Penguin]: That sounds like something a black man would say!

2017-11-17 [Nuktae-tal]: That sounds suspiciously like Sherpa intolerance sir!

2017-11-17 [Imperator]: Don't assume xer race!! Maybe she- I mean, zhe identifies as a transsexual gay black man!! You're so misogynist- I mean, transracist/transgenderist/anti-degenist! AND I BET YOU DRINK YARDMILK.

2017-11-17 [Imperator]: Did I hear that right? Someone doesn't like shenanigans? Oh, god, now HE is going to come in here. He always shows up whenever people start talking about feeli-
<img:stuff/aj/174089/1510937007.jpg>
I hate that guy.

2017-11-17 [Imperator]: *sits down at a three-legged table to drink some yardmilk*

2017-11-17 [Mortified Penguin]: *scoffs into his fresh squeezed cellarmilk and relaxes at his 9-legged table*

2017-11-17 [Imperator]: Always have to outdo me by threes, eh? Well bunkermilk is three times cellarmilk! *pours chunks of bunkermilk into glass, shattering it*

2017-11-17 [Mortified Penguin]:

2017-11-17 [Mortified Penguin]: Now you're just making up nonsense.

2017-11-17 [Mortified Penguin]: Also, I'm taking that glass out of your paycheck.

2017-11-17 [Imperator]: But I don't work here...

2017-11-17 [Mortified Penguin]: Also, you need to start showing up for work. I'm tired of always having to just mail your check to you at your condo. You could at least come pick it up every now and then.

2017-11-17 [Mortified Penguin]: YES YOU DO. You're the best damn fry cook we've ever had. I only wish we had a fryer.

2017-11-17 [Imperator]: But you stole my car and I live 40 miles away...

2017-11-17 [Imperator]: I have a morning ritual I go through before beginning the workday which is why I'm such a great fry cook:

2017-11-18 [Mortified Penguin]: I usually just crawl out of the oven, sacrifice a quick chicken to Moloch, and smoke my breakfast Crack Joint™.

2017-11-18 [Mortified Penguin]: *cracks open a finely aged, ten year old bottle of Shrimpola Cola™*

2017-11-18 [Mortified Penguin]: Why are these sideways?!

2017-11-18 [Mortified Penguin]: This thing used to have an embryo growing inside it, but I think it dissolved a few years ago...

2017-11-18 [Mortified Penguin]: The unfunny nutritional information.

2017-11-18 [Mortified Penguin]: If I recall correctly, the ingredients were a bunch of hot sauce and tons of salt watered down with water. And also possibly some vinegar.

2017-11-18 [Mortified Penguin]: That's a real, totally unedited picture of both Mort and Turkey on the label! Absolutely unedited!

2017-11-18 [Imperator]: What?! You crawl BACK OUT of the oven?! You filthy oven-dodger!

2017-11-18 [Imperator]: But seriously, I REALLY thought Mort and Turkey were the same person...

2017-11-18 [Imperator]: But BUT the real question is why someone has a book by Bill Clinton AND the second really real question is why they apparently paid for a copy of that propaganda cover-up 9/11 Commission Report when they SHOULD HAVE bought Operation Dark Heart by Lt. Col. Anthony Shaffer...

2017-11-18 [Mortified Penguin]: Don't judge my thrift store shelf. I still need to find a copy of the Warren Commission Report too, I hear it's totally legit.

2017-11-18 [Mortified Penguin]: *some Israeli art students start working on a project on an upper floor of the diner*

2017-11-18 [Mortified Penguin]: Has anyone seen Larry from corporate today? He usually has breakfast with me at the top of the diner, but he didn't show up to work this morning. Also, his son and daughter didn't show either. And several hundred Jewish employees. Oh well, I'm sure it's just a coincidence. *heads up to the top floor of the diner*

2017-11-18 [Yuriona]: I must say that bottle of soda looks more like a bottle of old urine.

2017-11-18 [Mortified Penguin]: It was supposed to be a spicy shrimp flavored soda. But we had no way to carbonate it. Plus, we had no shrimp. Only one person was lucky enough to get to taste it. Lionel was never really the same after that...

2017-11-18 [Sagacious Turkey]: That carpet was never really the same either.

2017-11-18 [Mortified Penguin]: Too soon... :(

2017-11-18 [Imperator]: You could have just tossed a rug over the spot. No one would have questioned it.

2017-11-18 [Mortified Penguin]: I'm pretty sure it was easier to just burn the entire house down.

2017-11-18 [Imperator]: No wonder you are regularly sued for insurance fraud!

2017-11-18 [Yuriona]: It does explain a few things. It must have been the only way to keep the carpet quiet - blackmail money.

2017-11-19 [Imperator]: Lots of people walked across that carpet and the carpet muffled their footsteps, saving up the sound waves, and then planned to release all that pent-up noise in one massive blast that would destroy Bob's Diner!!

2017-11-19 [Mortified Penguin]: This is why I regularly mow my carpets.

2017-11-20 [Nuktae-tal]: I just give mine a good lather. It releases the stress they built up you k ow?

2017-11-20 [Imperator]: Giving carpets a good "leather" is much more exciting. Releases more than just stress.

2017-11-20 [Mortified Penguin]: I prefer a nice waxed hardwood anyway.

2017-11-20 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1511216878.jpg>

2017-11-20 [Mortified Penguin]:

2017-11-21 [Yuriona]: No Gundams for USA! I want one... >_>

2017-11-21 [Mortified Penguin]: We need to be funding these two Gundams (some of the greatest Gundams ever conceived):

<img:stuff/aj/92105/1511224831.png> <img:stuff/aj/92105/1511224852.png>

2017-11-21 [Imperator]:

2017-11-21 [Imperator]: <img:stuff/aj/174089/1511279872.jpg>

2017-11-21 [Imperator]: <img:stuff/aj/174089/1511279886.jpg>

2017-11-21 [Imperator]:

2017-11-21 [Mortified Penguin]:

2017-11-21 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1511298822.png>

2017-11-21 [Mortified Penguin]:

2017-11-21 [Mortified Penguin]: I miss Tay. :(

2017-11-21 [Imperator]:

2017-11-21 [Imperator]: I <3 Anti-Semitic Tuesdays.

2017-11-22 [Mortified Penguin]: Anti-Semitic Tuesdays are great and all, but they really do a number on our oven. *pats ol' Sparky on the eye*

2017-11-23 [Mortified Penguin]: Ew, Yuri is Canadian.

2017-11-23 [Mortified Penguin]: Trudeau, pictured with two average Canadian women:

2017-11-23 [Mortified Penguin]:

2017-11-23 [Yuriona]: Take off eh! You hoser.

And please, kill more Canadian geese. They're a pain in the ass the dirty pests.

2017-11-23 [Imperator]: That picture is THE greatest rebuttal of Canada I have EVER seen.

2017-11-23 [Imperator]: Why can't I press ctrl+enter in order to send messages? Who designed this Diner??!

2017-11-23 [Imperator]: Most of us down here in the ol' 48 are preeetty sure Trudeau's papi was Fidel Castro.

2017-11-23 [Imperator]: Considering all the turkeys on this page, I think a "Happy Thanksgiving" is in order:

2017-11-23 [Nuktae-tal]: HAppy kill everybody with disease day!!! in the USA of course. though technically it all started from the U.K.

2017-11-23 [Imperator]: Oh, are you talking about small pox? Funny thing that. The reason the indians caught it was because they raided a White hospital, scalped the sick, and stole their blankets. Karma is a bitch, eh?

2017-11-23 [Yuriona]: *shrugs* Trudeau very could be I suppose. I don't really follow politics all that closely. Its mostly all bullshit and posturing anyways.

And that Eagle is sitting on a Canada Goose. How insulting. *sarcasm* Besides, that bird isn't our national animal. Try again. :P

2017-11-23 [Imperator]: Canada has a national bird? I thought it was just trees 'n stuff.

2017-11-24 [Yuriona]: And snow! Don't forget the snow!

2017-11-24 [Imperator]: I thought we took care of that crap with global warming?!

2017-11-24 [Mortified Penguin]: I'm pretty sure Canada's national bird is a leaf.

2017-11-24 [Sagacious Turkey]: Roll Tide! I'm voting for Roy Moore TWICE!

2017-11-24 [Sagacious Turkey]: Canada's okay, I went to see a fight there once, but a hockey game broke out. To hell with Canadian Geese though, their constant shitting on the greens has ruined my short game!

2017-11-24 [Mortified Penguin]:

2017-11-24 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1511545869.jpg>

2017-11-24 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1511545959.jpg>

2017-11-24 [Mortified Penguin]:

2017-11-24 [Alexi Ice]: Obligatory comment*

2017-11-24 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1511546461.jpg>

2017-11-24 [Mortified Penguin]:

2017-11-24 [Mortified Penguin]: *shoves Alexi down some stairs for interrupting my annoying picture posting*

2017-11-24 [Mortified Penguin]: Hey! Don't damage my stairs!! *starts kicking Alexi*

2017-11-24 [Mortified Penguin]: EW!!! Stop getting so much blood on my shoes!! *kicks harder*

2017-11-24 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img:stuff/aj/53406/1511550565.jpg>

2017-11-24 [Imperator]: Sucking a swan's beak? What?
That dead girl looks like Bane. But I don't understand the meme. I'm assuming that there is some discrepancy which proves the story is bullshit?

2017-11-24 [Imperator]:

THE GOYIM KNOW.

2017-11-24 [Imperator]: *The Goyim begin kicking Alexi as well because they realize she is Shabbos goy*

2017-11-25 [Sagacious Turkey]: *shrugs and starts kicking Alexi as well*

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511590028.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511590078.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511590135.png>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511590157.png>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511590183.png>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511590209.png>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511590232.png>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511590255.png>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511590326.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511590481.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511590578.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]:

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511590850.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]:

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511591027.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511591080.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511591152.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]:

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511591710.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511591741.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511591762.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511592224.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, 'Sorry we don't serve food here.'

Cashier at the grocery store: Would you like the milk in a bag?
Me: No, just leave it in the carton.

Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans

Me: 'Dad, make me a sandwich!'
Dad: 'Poof, You’re a sandwich!

Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.

Me: 'Hey, I was thinking…'
My dad: 'I thought I smelled something burning.'

How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!

Dad: *driving past a graveyard* 'Do you know why I can’t be buried there?'
Me: 'Why not?'
Dad: 'Because I’m not dead yet!

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

Fast food worker: 'Any condiments?'
Me: 'Compliments? You look very nice today!

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, 'First offender?' She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'

I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!

How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, 'Ribbit, ribbit' and a horny toad says, 'Rub it, rub it.'

What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na.

Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
What are they feeding you?
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
It's not your fault

They won't take you to the vet
You're obviously not their favorite pet
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
It's not your fault

You may not be a bed of roses
You're not friend to those with noses
I'll miss you before we're done
Or the world will smell as one

Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
What are they feeding you?
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat
It's not your fault

(Phoebe) Oh are we done?

One, two, what's that smell?
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
What are they feeding you?
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat
You're getting fat

I think that I'm gonna be sick
It's your ears, and nose and pick
Part of it, tempt me

One, two, what's that smell?
All the dogs in the neighborhood
Are saying this for your own good
What, you're fat, so you can't run
No fun, I bet, No fun

Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
Porno makes you eat like that
I saw you in the shopping mall
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
It's not your fault,

Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
It's not your fault
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
It's not your fault

We know what was in your food
They say it might affect your mood
You smell like something dead (3x)
One, two, what's that smell?

(Phoebe)Yeah, that's not the song

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: Soft kitty, warm kitty

Little ball of fur

Happy kitty, sleepy kitty

Purr, purr, purr

2017-11-25 [Mortified Penguin]: It absolutely is that damn cat's fault, it won't stop eating all these corpses!

*gestures at the mangy cat chewing on the face of Chandler's corpse*

2017-11-25 [Mortified Penguin]: Your memes are a little too vulgar and offensive for my taste, No_One. I'm disgusted you would sexualize a sponge like that. *shakes head disapprovingly*

Come on, baby, let's get out of this sickening den of deplorables! *grabs a hand towel and storms into the ladies' room*

2017-11-25 [Mortified Penguin]: Hold on, let me see if there are any good, wholesome memes on my phone...

2017-11-25 [Mortified Penguin]:

2017-11-25 [Mortified Penguin]: There we go, those are fresh out of my meme garden. Anyway, back to work... *grabs a rocket launcher off the weapon rack and heads outside to sure up the borders of Greater Bob's Diner*

*launches a rocket into a neighboring hospital full of insurgents and/or sick children*

THE PROPHECY MUST BE FULFILLED!! *fires wildly into a screaming crowd*

*quickly hides the launcher behind his back as a passing police officer slows down and looks out his window*

*nods nonchalantly at him and he drives off into the ghetto to try out his new pistol*

2017-11-25 [Imperator]: Is it Tuesday already?!

<img:stuff/aj/174089/1511631724.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mortified Penguin]: It's always Tuesday here! Except when it's Wednesday, which will now be pushed back until Friday.

2017-11-26 [Mortified Penguin]:

2017-11-26 [Sagacious Turkey]: *nervously takes down orders with a 14.9cm long pencil*

*the British police glare angrily and start unsheathing their beating sticks*

To hell with this. *just bites off his finger and writes in blood*

*the British police nod approvingly and go back to eating their crumpets and porridge*

2017-11-27 Pied Crow: I'm late, but don't judge people for sucking bird beaks!

2017-11-27 [Sagacious Turkey]: But what of platypus beaks?

2017-11-27 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511786960.jpg>

2017-11-27 [Mrs. No_One]:

2017-11-27 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511787082.jpg>

2017-11-27 [Mrs. No_One]:

2017-11-27 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511787133.jpg>

2017-11-27 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511787151.jpg>

2017-11-27 [Mrs. No_One]:

2017-11-27 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511787480.jpg>

2017-11-27 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511787531.jpg>

2017-11-27 [Nuktae-tal]: Nice

2017-11-28 [~Crimson Angel~]: Uh... What has become of this place? *kicks a small child wanting more porridge and mumbles something about Oliver Twist*

2017-11-28 [Mortified Penguin]: Hey! We don't abuse Dickens' characters around here! *angrily kicks Tiny Tim in the ribs*

2017-11-28 [Sagacious Turkey]: *Nicholas Nickleby glances around nervously*

2017-11-28 [Nuktae-tal]: *plays with Turkey carcas from thanksgiving in America*

2017-11-28 [Sagacious Turkey]: PAPA, NNOOOO!!

2017-11-28 [Mortified Penguin]: There, now my precious status reports are back.

2017-11-28 [Mortified Penguin]: Here are the current comment scores for this friscal year so far (from September 1^st up until the previous comment):

[Mortified Penguin] 188
[Imperator] 54
[Nuktae-tal] 53
[Mrs. No_One] 43
[Sagacious Turkey] 39
No name guy 28
[ancienteye] 20
[Yuriona] 19
[Sideways] 10
[Sheamus Finn] 8
[Avoral] 1
[Delta Operator] 1
[General] 1
[Hedda] 1
[Emily June] 1
[rBob'sDine] 1
[erBob'sDin] 1
[nerBob'sDi] 1
[inerBob'sD] 1
[DinerBob's] 1
[sDinerBob'] 1
['sDinerBob] 1
[b'sDinerBo] 1
[ob'sDinerB] 1
[Bob'sDiner] 1
[Alexi Ice] 1
[~Crimson Angel~] 1
[nokaredes] -1!!

2017-11-28 [Mortified Penguin]: That's 479 total comments over 89 days at an average of 5.3820224719101123595505617977528 comments per day. At this pace, this should be the most productive friscal year since 10/11. All thanks to extreme spamming and violent threats.

2017-11-28 Pied Crow: I'd complain about the overflow of images, but one of them had dragons.

2017-11-29 [Sheamus Finn]: Wait which year 10 or / or 11?

2017-11-29 [Sagacious Turkey]: /.

2017-11-29 [Mortified Penguin]:

2017-12-01 [Mortified Penguin]: *some valued regulars skitter in and start eating dinner*

<img:stuff/aj/92105/1512089507.gif>

2017-12-01 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1512089976.jpg>

2017-12-01 [Nuktae-tal]: Sempai!?

2017-12-01 [Mortified Penguin]: TAKE YOUR PROBE.

2017-12-02 [Nuktae-tal]: All the probing for me?! Oh sempai!!!

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Year 04/05 05/06 06/07 07/08 08/09 09/10 10/11 11/12 12/13 13/14 14/15 15/16 16/17 17/18 18/19 19/20 20/21	Comments 9709 3870 3065 5676 4309 2879 5259 1697 0984 0756 0394 0177 0384 1677 0471 0285 0118	Average 26.6 cpd 10.6 cpd 08.4 cpd 15.5 cpd 11.8 cpd 07.9 cpd 14.4 cpd 04.7 cpd 02.7 cpd 02.1 cpd 01.1 cpd 00.5 cpd 01.1 cpd 04.6 cpd 01.3 cpd 00.8 cpd 00.3 cpd	Total Comments 09709 13579 16644 22320 26666 29545 34804 36501 37484 38240 38634 38839 39223 40900 41371 41656 41774	Total Average 26.6 cpd/9709 cpy 18.6 cpd/6789 cpy 15.2 cpd/5548 cpy 15.3 cpd/5580 cpy 14.6 cpd/5333 cpy 13.5 cpd/4924 cpy 13.6 cpd/4972 cpy 12.5 cpd/4563 cpy 11.4 cpd/4165 cpy 10.5 cpd/3824 cpy 09.6 cpd/3512 cpy 08.9 cpd/3237 cpy 08.3 cpd/3017 cpy 08.0 cpd/2921 cpy 07.6 cpd/2758 cpy 07.1 cpd/2604 cpy 06.7 cpd/2457 cpy