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Page name: Bob's Diner [Logged in view] [RSS]

2022-01-26 00:23:33

Last author: Mortified Penguin
Owner: Sagacious Turkey

# of watchers: 289

D20: 11

Wiki-page rating	Stumble!
Informative:	0
Artistic:	0
Funny-rating:	0
Friendly:	17

(Formerly Chuck's)

^{Abandon all outside food and drinks, ye who enter here.

a limerick, by [Mortified Penguin]

.........Welcome to Bob's Diner,

ain't no place finer!

The food is good,

we're always in tha 'hood,

and [Sagacious Turkey] is a whiner!

As seen in [iippo]'s diary!

This wiki sponsored in part by the [Sunrose] Does Not Suck committee

and the [pixish] art committee

_{by [Teufelsweib]}}

Menu:

Show content

|Da menyou|

<img150*0:stuff/aj/11111/bobsdinerspecial.png>

'If you are what you eat, then we're easy, fast and cheap!'

Don't see sumthin ya like on da menu? Well, add to it!

<img:stuff/b.GIF.gif>

^{_{Breakfast

1. Shakin' Bacon $1.50

2. Godzilla Eggs $1.20

3. Hash Browns $1.00

4. Hash Greens $1.00

5. Texas toast (this isn't really from texas) $2.00

6. French Toast (This isn't actually from France either) $3.50

7. French Fries (nope, still not from france...) $1.50

8. French Bread (NOT FROM FRANCE!!!) $1.25

9. French Wine (not from France exactly... it might have fallen off a truck,... but i don't know anything *whistles innocently*)

10. Mortified News-Paper-Colored-Breakfast-Sandwich $2.50

Lunch

1. Bob's special of the day: Sun. grilled cheese, Mon. leg of lamb, Tues. leg of bob, Wed. something we found on the street, Thurs. hamburger, Fri. tacos we stole from Taco Bell, Sat. you don't want to know. $4.19

2. hamburger & fries $4.00

3. uncooked ham (a live pig) $10.24

4. a bowl of fresh lard $3.49

5. Texas toast (this isn't really from Texas) $2.00

6. think of the nastiest thing you've ever seen or smelled... nope, nastier... yup thats it! $5.99

7. raw chicken liver with a dog drool sauce. $7.82

8. La Ham and cheese $2.30

9. Bob's Mama $1 an hour

10. Garfield's mama $0.50 an hour

11. sirloin $6.00

12. Sir. Loin (some British guy) £6.00

13. boiled Chef Zef $0.99

14. 3-legged lamb - whole: $10.00/ each leg: $2.00

15. fried Alley Gator $5.00

16. Plain poodle: $3.00/ Extra crispy poodle: $3.50

17. Poo Stew $2.25

18. Mashed taters and dressed up alligators $5.50

19. Woops, I sneezed... Oh well, might as well put it to good use... "snot sandwich" $1.25

20. Roasted n00b $4.00

21. Bloody Rock $1.50

22. Flattened road kill squirrel $4.75

23. Fresh n00b with blood croutons $4.50

24. [Shaggy13]'s soup $1.12

25. Turkey Jerkey $0.50

26. A Jerkey Turkey $5.00

27. YO MOMMA with a side of fries and a large soda $0.00

28. [Rolo]'s special: Mouse burger and french flies all for just $2.50

29. [Blvd. of broken dreams]'s Acid Kisses free to try then 4 easy payments of $19.95 to buy!!!!

30.

31. Micheal Jackson's nose $10.75

32. elf on the cob $5.50/whole elf $9.25

33. [spitfire_35121]'s mole 500,000.00

34. An Orange Chicken ¥300.00

35. Ground beef Carl $3.25

36. The Deep Fried Moose Combo $6.99

37. [sara(:]'s kitty.......$o.ooo9 per hour..

38. viagra pill $300

39. gobbler....?

40. a big fat bowl of ramen ¥800.00

41. hootchie cootchie $2.00

42. Burgers from McDonald's $1.00

43. Make Your Own Road Kill (Brought to you by MatchBox) $ 6.90

44. Deep Fried Squirrel Quesadilla $ 1.50

45. Eel Burger (it's shockingly delicious!) $3.4¾ (WARNING: Eel Burger may kill consumer. We are not responsible. Blame the eels!)

46. Selfish Shellfish Soufflé $4.99 (plus tip!)

47.All the grief, horror, madness,[Lethan] and opium-addled reverie you can shake a Victorian gentleman's walking stick at for a mere $5

48. [Eloura]'s Busted gut still fresh and good, for a nere (and this is a SALE people) $9.99

49. [Duke Devlin]'s Small Bacon Bit Babies. They are a delious bacony treat for any meal. $15,999.99 It's a real steal deal kids!

50. [Araglas]'s Zombie body food, just ask, it's good, and very fresh! Only $5.99!

51. All you can eat: [HardRockAngel]'s little brother: an endless supplie of meat. $12.99

Appetizers

1. half a cracker $1,000,000

2. Bloody Rock $1.50

3. [sara(:]'s (very little) Brain $2.00

4. [Fallen Child Athena]'s Foamy the Squirrel $5000.00 ((i stole him hahahahahaha))

5. [Mortified Penguin]'s intelligence (not a very big meal...) $0.25

6. Slice of maggot cheese $1.50

7. Cooked Sushi $4.50

8. Tumble Weed $1,000.01

9. [Fallen Child Athena]'s "happy crack".......$1.50((its weed))

10. Bowl of tears $.50

11. Crickets (a bowl full) $0.50

12. "Eye Rolls" $1.50

13. Corn on the toes $1.50

14. cooked sushi $2.00

15. Big, huge, throbbing, hot, juicy... breadsticks! $DAH.LER

16. [Mortified Penguin]'s ashes $Free to try $39.95 to buy

17. [Blvd. of broken dreams]'s leg (stays fresh for about a month) hehe jr., i told you!!!1

17. Military Intelligence (not much there) $9,999 {brought in by [Fallen Child Athena])

19. Fresh squeezed hangover from [Evolution X]

20. Ganondorf's Noodly Appendage (note: not big enough to be considered full meal) $4.00

21. Peanuts of Pathos $free with the purchase of a drink (In loving memory of our dear old friend, [Paul Doyle].)

22. Flagon of Dragon Lotion. Not sure what to make of this, frankly. It's not really a drink . . . have this with Peanuts of Pathos, perhaps? Do you have what it takes to consume this? I'm not sure I do.

23. [Mortified Penguin]'s head on a fake cheap silver platter.

24. Blubber nuggets, made with the finest whale blubber in the world! (YUM!) $100.00

Dinner

1. [Mortified Penguin]'s squeegey $0.10

2. DUSTIN'S MAMA and a condom......we'll pay you...take it,we don't want "it".....

3. Sasmooko's Shoe $1.75

4. A leg $Shoot something, or someone

5. [Fallen Child Athena]'s bunny rabbit..........$1.50

6. The "lame-@$$-mo'-frickin'-gay-infested-puppy-hating-country-o'-france" Special. (May include: French toast, french fries, french bread, french vanilla, french dressing, a lovely french dipping sauce, and a sexy lonely french woman that likes to french kiss) $19.95 if you order in the next ten minutes! ...plus shipping and handling...

7. [Evolution X]'s famous Spaghetti and eyeballs.

8. A Big Freakin' Bowl of Ramen $0 (Free for Mort, everyone else gets charged a mandatory $10 tip for the waiter)

9.Ugly stack of papers with protective cover. Looks to have been dropped into a beef broth by a sad, worn out, uncreative idiot. Yarg. (munches on a news-paper-colored-breakfast-sandwich) $2.00

10.Gammon with Fluff & gravy =] $0

11.Not so fresh puppy €7.00 (Other than brown colored +¥5.28)

12. [Scarekrow]'s Harden the fuck up special (with your choise of fist to the face or foot to the ass)................$25.00

13. Chuck Norris Stew with a side of sucker-punch and piss-in-your-pants. Priceless

Dessert

1. brownie-a-la-mode $2.00

2. crap-a-la-commode $2.00

3. artichoke pie $1.50

4. "cheese cake" (literally made of cheese) $1.75

5. Iced ice $0.50

6. Glazed rocks $0.75

7. Punkin Pie (full of fresh baked punks...) $2.00

8. Rake Cake (wanna do something special for your hard working rake for it's birthday? get this!) $1.75

9. n00b-a-la-blood $2.00

10. "Cow Pie" $2.00

11. [Phil Crooked]'s manhood $9,999,999,999.50

12. [Phil Crooked]'s manhood, FROSTED, $2

13. "apple sauce" $1

14. [nokaredes]'s old cast $how much you got?

15. [ikkle sid] for the night chocolate sauce included 4 all u randy twats lol ... $1,000,000,000

16. [Archeress of Mirkwood]'s liver flavored ice cream $2.50

17. [Archeress of Mirkwood]'s chocolate flavored moth-balls $1.75 per box

18. Bert and Ernie's every flavor spleens... er... I mean... beans. $1.00 per box

19.[bluefairy27]'s deadly blow fish surprise.$3.50

20. [Evolution X]'s Eskimo pie (from real eskimos)

21. Pink, fluffy and tasty Watapon (Warning: Not really tasty)

22. Vasturcro, free! (plus $20 in taxes, $35 for the food, which is $65, totaling out to $127)

23. Sweet, cherry, and pied crow pie, $2.33

Drinks

1. anything we can liquefy in the blender $1.00

2. snot $1.00

(smaller gap)

3. urine $1.00

4. "mystery meat juice" $1.00

5. liquid lard $1.00

6. [Fallen Child Athena]'s special "coffee" $1.95

7. goat milk $1.00

8. watered down tea $1.00

9. Turkey Milk $1.00

10. A Pint of Blood $0.50

11. A Quart of Blood $1.00

12. Goblet Of Blood On The Rocks $2.50

13. Rat Milk $1.00

14. Snow Coco $1.00

15. Hot, steaming cup of Coffee $1.00 (per cup)

16. Liquid ice $2.50 per pound

17. A "booty" shake $6.66

18. From the makers of Granny's Bunyan Creme and Granny's Homegrown Arsenic... we bring you... Granny's Hard Rubbing Alcohol! Not only does it get you hammered more than a nail, but it also helps heal your internal cuts! (WARNING: Granny's Hard Rubbing Alcohol will NOT heal your internal cuts. In fact, it may make them worse. We are not responsible for any injuries and/or death. Blame Granny!) $Depends on how "under the influence" you are.

19.something [Lethan] squeezed out of a brick

20. An Epic Fail (Brought in by Veari)

21. Tead down water(purified) $50.00

22. Special Equestrian "Mayonnaise" Smoothie}}

Bob's Diner Status Report:
_{Bob's Diner Status Report
^{All numbers and stats are approximate and lead to irregularities when double checking, due to faulty math and [Elftron] screwing with wiki comments and information sometimes. Don't blame us. Blame [Hedda].}

Year

04/05

05/06

06/07

07/08

08/09

09/10

10/11

11/12

12/13

13/14

14/15

15/16

16/17

17/18

18/19

19/20

20/21

Comments

9709

3870

3065

5676

4309

2879

5259

1697

0984

0756

0394

0177

0384

1677

0471

0285

0118

Average

26.6 cpd

10.6 cpd

08.4 cpd

15.5 cpd

11.8 cpd

07.9 cpd

14.4 cpd

04.7 cpd

02.7 cpd

02.1 cpd

01.1 cpd

00.5 cpd

01.1 cpd

04.6 cpd

01.3 cpd

00.8 cpd

00.3 cpd

Total Comments

09709

13579

16644

22320

26666

29545

34804

36501

37484

38240

38634

38839

39223

40900

41371

41656

41774

Total Average

26.6 cpd/9709 cpy

18.6 cpd/6789 cpy

15.2 cpd/5548 cpy

15.3 cpd/5580 cpy

14.6 cpd/5333 cpy

13.5 cpd/4924 cpy

13.6 cpd/4972 cpy

12.5 cpd/4563 cpy

11.4 cpd/4165 cpy

10.5 cpd/3824 cpy

09.6 cpd/3512 cpy

08.9 cpd/3237 cpy

08.3 cpd/3017 cpy

08.0 cpd/2921 cpy

07.6 cpd/2758 cpy

07.1 cpd/2604 cpy

06.7 cpd/2457 cpy

Until The End of the Friscal Year and the Next Status Report

Since The End of the Last Friscal Year

Since B's D's Founding}

Friscal Reports:

Show content

   Next Friscal Report:

_{Total: An unknown, futuristic XXXXX

Future paragraphs.

   Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 39223

Paragraphs.

   Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38839

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38634

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38240

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 37484

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 36501

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A settling, halfsome 34804

As we all know, Bob's Diner has a comment based economy. As comment averages rise, Bob's Diner prospers. When they fall, Bob's Diner slips into a violent depression and has thoughts of suicide. It often cries itself to sleep at night, wondering how it's going to feed its 27 children. So, you can clearly see why the more comments you make, the better off we are and the less I'll hate you.

With that in mind, this year was certainly better than last year, but not nearly as better as the year before the year before last year, which is the best except for the one that was better which was the year before the year before that. Following this trend, we can predict that next year, the year following this year, will be the year that comes after this year. However, as this year is already over, we've already entered into the new year, meaning that this year isn't this year but last year and next year is this year, not the year after this year. So, with this other stuff I just said in mind, I suspect that, since this year is now this year, not next year, the comments will continue steadily trending upward, unless they don't. Realistically speaking though, and following the current data, the comment average will take a two year nose dive into the worst recession we've seen yet before going back up in 14/15.

So, the comments were alright this year. But, why weren't they alrighter? It was likely because of two bannings of members that were previously highly productive commenters: Artsie and Mystin. They will be missed. Not really though. In other news, CEO, international sex superstar, and self-proclaimed CEO, [Mortified Penguin], will be stepping down as manager today and stepping up some stairs. That lead to the manager's office. Where he will be crowned manager. Also, [Nioniel] stole our 'i'.

(This has been a vaguely worded announcement by a guy typing things.)

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: An unsettling, unwholesome 29545

More Obama related mishaps have taken quite a toll on Bob's Diner this year. That, coupled with [53406] as manager, has resulted in 1430 less comments than last year. Which brings the average number of comments for the friscal year to a miserable 7.9 a day and the average for all time down to 13.5 a day. We've determined the cause of the missing 37 comments from 07/08 to be homicide. Police are investigating the contents of Misty's stomach in hopes of finding remains. So far, nothing but rat skeletons and bear feces has turned up.

No new members for the entire year (that I know of. I haven't really checked, I'm just assuming). Likely Misty's fault. In this past friscal year, B's D has apparently become /b/'s D. Our big 'B' will be missed.

For this upcoming friscal year, I will be taking over as manager once more (until it becomes apparent that the numbers will be down, at which point I will hand ownership back to Turkey). I plan to run this Diner the way it was meant to be run... straight into the ground. First off, budget cuts everywhere! No more of this "getting Christmas off to be with family" nonsense. Workers will now work 367 days a year or be fired (at)(with bazookas).

(This has been a public dis-service announcement from CEO and self-proclaimed sexual offender, [Mortified Penguin].)

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A nice, wholesome 26666.

So, we never did find out what happened to those poor, unfortunate 37 comments. They will be missed. This friscal year, we had a disappointing 4309 comments. The lower number is speculated to be the fault of Obama, the recession, and, of course, Misty. Though it wasn't as good as last year's or the 04/05 year, it's still better than the dismal period from 2005 to 2007. The 08/09 numbers are still a pretty decent accomplishment, considering Elftown's sharp decline in members.

In this passing friscal year, we (and by 'we' I mean 'I') have managed to get a whole bunch of new members and casual visitors... thanks to good ol' fashion spamming. Speaking of meat byproducts, the Diner is now under [53406]'s control once more, meaning that he's the one that should be held responsible for the poor friscal report! ...Get 'im! ...*eats ramen*...

(This has been a public service announcement from ex-CEO and casual rapist, [Mortified Penguin].)

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: 22320 (though it should be 22357!)

This leaves some 37 missing comments. It is Bob's Diner's top priority to find these missing comments and bring them home safely.

Thanks to the brilliant leadership of [Mortified Penguin], Bob's Diner has had it's second best year yet! We nearly doubled those comments from last year and even brought B's D out of it's depression. So remember... support the Ramen Party and Bob's Diner in the next friscal (that's right! friscal!) year... every comment counts. (This has been a public service announcement from CEO, Mortified Penguin.)}

^{_{Previous B's D}}

^{_{By posting comments to Bob's Diner, you grant a world-wide, royalty-free, and exclusive license to [Mortified Penguin] to steal your dumb jokes, musings, ramblings, nonsequiter nonsense, and general comments and publish them in a legally questionable screenplay, which will then be fashioned into a highly problematic and excessively meta book. All posters, now and prior to this post, forfeit copyright ownership of all comments to [Mortified Penguin]. Any profits from said screenplay book will belong solely to [Mortified Penguin], who is handsome, and who also reserves the right to not give you credit for your dumb comments. The addition of this message to this wiki covers all comments forthwith and hithertofore. By continuing to post on Bob's Diner and by having previously posted on Bob's Diner, you forfeit any and all rights to litigation against [Mortified Penguin]. However, if one of your stolen comments results in legal trouble for [Mortified Penguin], all copyrights and intellectual property rights for the aforementioned problematic comments will be returned to the original poster, who will take on all legal responsibilities. Finally, to the judge who will inevitably read this, FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE BITCH. YOU DON'T HAVE THE BALLS TO FIND ME GUILTY. YOU LITTLE PUSSY. I AM ABOVE THE LAW. I DO NOT RESPECT THE AUTHORITY OF YOUR COURT AND THE SECOND I LEAVE THIS COURTROOM, I'M HEADING STRAIGHT TO YOUR HOUSE TO SKULLFUCK YOUR WIFE INTO A COMA. YEAH, THAT'S A THREAT. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? JUDGE ME? COWARD.}}

2017-12-03 Pied Crow: One of the ads tells me not to read the comments. Should I stop reading this?

2017-12-03 [Nuktae-tal]: Read everything! Pork the police!

2017-12-03 [Sagacious Turkey]: *starts making sammiches*

2017-12-03 [Sagacious Turkey]: *tosses the nugget in the deep fryer*

2017-12-03 [Sagacious Turkey]: *throws the tomato slices, entire smoldering chicken, and a single Rit cracker into the blender and pours the delicious resulting liquid directly onto the laps of the patrons at table #3*

2017-12-03 [Sagacious Turkey]: Enjoy your chicken sandwiches, you two!

*sets the mood for their date by romantically playing his accordion*

*they both sob and struggle futily against their chains*

2017-12-03 [Mortified Penguin]: Don't forget their order of fries.

<img:stuff/aj/92105/1512337343.gif>

2017-12-04 公式代理人: Hi, Nuktae-Tal! I just thought I'd let you know that I think you'd look great as a 500 meter tall monster. Have you ever tried to audition at Toho? i bet you could be the star of the next big tokusatsu! If you want an appointment, or maybe something else, call me!

2017-12-04 [Sagacious Turkey]: *stands in an open doorway, in his sexiest Godzilla outfit, looking crestfallen*

2017-12-05 [Mortified Penguin]: Stop not commenting enough and forcing me to post stupid pictures! This is a DINER, not an IMAGEBOARD! *slaps the Captcha right off the wall*

2017-12-05 [Mortified Penguin]: Now, let's see what garbage I have today...

2017-12-05 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1512495515.gif>

2017-12-05 [Mortified Penguin]:

2017-12-05 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1512495696.png>

2017-12-05 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1512495911.jpg>

2017-12-05 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1512496077.jpg>

2017-12-05 [Mortified Penguin]:

2017-12-05 [Mortified Penguin]: Here,
we see Misty on the way to her family reunion.

2017-12-05 [Mortified Penguin]: And here,
she has finally been reunited with her kin.

2017-12-05 [Mortified Penguin]:

2017-12-05 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1512496556.gif>

2017-12-06 [~Crimson Angel~]: That mayonnaise is made with olive oil, I only eat regular mayonnaise, and my family members are hippos, not cows.

2017-12-06 Pied Crow: Do you expect me to talk?

2017-12-06 [Mortified Penguin]: Don't make fun of your family like that, Misty. That's pretty rude.

And that Kraft jar mayo sucks, regardless of type.

2017-12-06 [Mortified Penguin]: And YES, DAMMIT. I EXPECT YOU TO TALK. *slams his fist down on the desk*

*tilts the desk lamp where it's pointed right at Pied Crow's face*

Where were you on the night of the 12th, HUH?! Down at the old mill?! Why did you do it?! For the fame? For the gold? TALK, DAMN YOU!

2017-12-06 Pied Crow: ... Now that's just unfair. I can't remember what I did two weeks ago, let alone a month.

2017-12-06 [Mortified Penguin]: Not that 12th, the other 12th! STOP FUCKING WITH ME AND ANSWER THE QUESTION!! GIVEN THAT THE ONTOLOGICAL NECESSITY OF EXISTENCE MUST BE DEFINED AS ESSENTIAL TO BEING ITSELF, HOW CAN SUCH GROUNDING OF THE EPISTEMOLOGICAL FUNCTION BE ARTICULATED WITHOUT ASSUMING AN A PRIORI AND UNWARRANTED EXISTENTIAL PREMISE?! WELL?!! ANSWER ME, DAMN IT!! *angrily grabs Tiny Tim's crutch and brutally impales him with it*

2017-12-07 [Nuktae-tal]: I tried to talk and Elftown wouldn't let me from my PHONE! *throws television through diner window* Stupid PHONE!

2017-12-07 [~Crimson Angel~]: Kraft Mayo is the best, if you don't like it you're a peasant, Kraft Mayo is for royalty.

2017-12-07 Pied Crow: Oh. Because I left my bazooka at home. Sheesh... Give me a break, here.

2017-12-07 [Mortified Penguin]: Kraft Mayo is the worst, you harlot! Heinz is clearly the superior mayo! And don't get me started on Hidden Valley's ranch either... I would make a joke about firebombing Hidden Valley, but I'm on enough watch lists as it is. But that shit is NOT RANCH. IT'S GARBAGE. GARBAGE! *throws the television at Poop Crow*

2017-12-07 [Mortified Penguin]: *eats ramen with mayonnaise and butter in it*

2017-12-07 [Mortified Penguin]: *pours ramen into popsicle molds and puts them in the freezer for later*

2017-12-07 [Sagacious Turkey]: I'm pretty sure Hellman's and Duke's mayonnaises are probably the best. But I only eat packets of mayo I steal from restaurants, not that jar nonsense.

*inconspicuously pockets 27 packs of mayo from the bin on the counter and quickly sprints out the front door*

2017-12-07 Pizza Pied Crow: A television sounds lethal for a corvid...

2017-12-08 [~Crimson Angel~]: *eats Kraft mayonnaise on my salad and ranch on my sandwich*

2017-12-08 [Mortified Penguin]: No, you're a corvette! *shoves Misty's sandwich*

*eats a delicious ramen popsicle*

2017-12-09 Pied Crow: Excuse me? A corvette is what I want to hug!

Er, I mean, make out with.

What? The tag buttons showed up and I wanted to utilize 'em! Yeah, that's it...

2017-12-10 [Sagacious Turkey]: *sits in his tree and casually chews some eucalyptus*

2017-12-10 [Mortified Penguin]: NO OUTSIDE FOOD OR DRINK!

<img:stuff/aj/92105/1512915257.gif>

2017-12-10 [Sagacious Turkey]: To hell with this, I'm going to McDonald's to try their new halal eucalyptus nuggets! *grabs [Pillowthief]'s car keys and storms out*

*immediately crashes into a ditch, not so much because I am a koala, but because I am black out drunk*

2017-12-10 [Sagacious Turkey]:

2017-12-11 Pied Crow: ... Huh.

Anyway, you probably don't want me anymore, but I'm ready to sign up here! Bring on the referral links I didn't use last time!

2017-12-11 [Sagacious Turkey]: *bursts back in*

2017-12-11 [Mortified Penguin]: No more of that! *drop kicks the koala into the soup*

2017-12-11 [Sagacious Turkey]: Now I'm a marsoupial!

*screeches and crawls up the wall into the rafters*

2017-12-11 [Mortified Penguin]: *glares and points at the sign on the wall clearly stating, "NO VARMINTS! Except possums, but only as a salad topper."*

2017-12-11 [Yuriona]: What about the raccoons in the kitchen??

2017-12-12 [Mortified Penguin]: What?! Damn coons! Git outta here! GIT!

*smacks a black family with a broom and they scurry off into the night*

Now what were you saying, Yuri? Something about turnips?

2017-12-12 [Pied Crow]: Sorry it took us a koala-while, but we did it. Were we supposed to take the sign-up seriously? Because we took the sign-up seriously.

2017-12-12 [Mortified Penguin]: *slams down his stein of mead in contempt*

We are not a medieval establishment! We have all the latest technologies! *gestures at the broken cotton gin in the kitchen*

Now, if you don't mind, I must away to table nine to collect the bill. *grabs his flanged mace from the weapon rack, mounts his mighty stead, and charges the table (approximately $23.45)*

2017-12-12 [Yuriona]: yeah I knew that's where you were gonna go with that.

That's one big rat. O_o

2017-12-13 [Mortified Penguin]: Well yeah, our slogan back in 2004 was, "Bob's Diner is the place for you, unless you're a monkey or a Jew!"

I have a certain rapport I'm expected to maintain here, I wouldn't want to alienate all our loyal fans by not being racist enough.

*sighs contentedly and smiles as he stares out at all the empty tables*

2017-12-13 [Mortified Penguin]: And you, Crow, go visit all the other wikis I own/have stolen. Like Maze of Guile, some unfinished comics, the key under the mat, anthro lovers, mort says stuff, and whatever else I own...

2017-12-13 [Mortified Penguin]: ...The Unofficial Elftown News, chess tournament, Mort's Member of the Month...

2017-12-13 [Mortified Penguin]: Apparently, I also own Adjective Bird... and beget, for whatever reason... strange... and like 1000 other wikis...

2017-12-13 [Mortified Penguin]:

2017-12-13 [Mortified Penguin]: There's some weird stuff in my notes...

2017-12-13 [Mortified Penguin]: There's like 100 different wikis that start with "Bob's"...

2017-12-13 [Mortified Penguin]: ...why have I owned anna nicole smith for 10 years?!

2017-12-13 [Pied Crow]: Oh, now I see why [Mortified Penguin] has so many wikis! His face looks like a wiki! How informational these seven year old comments can be!

2017-12-13 [Pied Crow]: Wait, Adjective Bird? From 2011?! But...I never realized I was crowkin until 2014!

2017-12-13 [~Crimson Angel~]:

@[Mortified Penguin]

2017-12-13 [Mortified Penguin]: EVERYONE CARES! *cobras start slithering out of Mort's face and attack Misty*

2017-12-13 [Sagacious Turkey]: Nothing ever slithers out of my face. :(

2017-12-13 [Sagacious Turkey]:

2017-12-14 [Pillowthief]: Fine! Fine! I here, jesu- Wait. This isnt Bob's Diner! Dammit Mort- that link lead me to the kitchen! Now Im indentured again. Great. Thanks. Where's that $20 you promised me?

2017-12-14 [Mortified Penguin]: Yeah, so that was another lie. Now, about those dishes... *points at the pile of vases in the sink*

2017-12-14 [Pillowthief]: <img:stuff/aj/91017/1513225794.jpg>

2017-12-14 [~Crimson Angel~]: <img:stuff/aj/88645/1513242358.jpg>

2017-12-14 [dead~spirit]: O.o;

2017-12-14 [Mortified Penguin]: AND PUT A HAIRNET ON OVER THAT MASK OR I'M DOCKING YOUR PAY! Also, we can't afford to pay you. Hence, the shackles.

*sighs exasperatedly*

The shit I have to deal with around here...

*props his feet up on the register and sips his mojito from a vase*

2017-12-15 [~Crimson Angel~]: <img:stuff/aj/88645/1513335100.jpg>

2017-12-15 [Mortified Penguin]: But... you stabbed three people yesterday!

2017-12-16 [Nuktae-tal]: Only three this time?!

2017-12-16 [Nekko fox]: Speaking of which, we've got new meat for the stewloaf.

Or is it loafstew?

I never remember in this place.

And what terrible service, I haven't been threatened once.

2017-12-16 [~Crimson Angel~]: <img:stuff/aj/88645/1513413318.jpg>

2017-12-16 [Mortified Penguin]: *tosses the corpses of Tiny Tim, Micro Tim, and a Paco into the soupstewloaf*

*tosses the thermostat in as well*

2017-12-16 [Sagacious Turkey]: *emerges from inside the loafstewsoup with a thermostat lodged in his cranium and a Micro Tim jammed right in his gizzard*

I'm trying to bathe here, cut that out.

*glares and slowly sinks back into the stewloafsoup without breaking eye contact*

2017-12-16 [Mortified Penguin]: Speaking of black trannies...

2017-12-16 [Nuktae-tal]: I think you are beautiful dear!*tosses rotten possum into the stew loaf pot*

2017-12-17 [Mortified Penguin]: That's disgusting! Don't put salad topper in the soup! Now we have to start over.

*pulls the handle on the pot and flushes it all down the drain*

2017-12-17 [Sagacious Turkey]: NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo_{^{OOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo...!!}}

*spins around in circles, but doesn't actually go down the drain, since he's a full grown man in a turkey fursuit and that would be ridiculous*

*climbs out of the toilet and goes off to file his taxes responsibly*

2017-12-17 [Nuktae-tal]: *adds extra numbers for him on his taxes, and another dead possum for good measure*

2017-12-17 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1513476514.jpg>

2017-12-17 [Mortified Penguin]:

2017-12-17 Not-Logged-In-Stephen: This is a comment.

2017-12-17 [Pied Crow]: Whoa, now, hold it there!

A turkey fursuit? Really? You disappoint me, that should be a feathersuit!

2017-12-17 [Pied Crow]: And where was that turkey suit when the Japanese executive was around? The tokusatsu industry needs more bird kaiju!

2017-12-17 [Mortified Penguin]: That does not count as a comment, Stephen, and you won't be getting your full $20!!

*hands Stephen $19.99, hands Nekko a roll of pennies and two used pinecones, and hands Pillowthief more dishes*

2017-12-17 [Sagacious Turkey]: It was a feathersuit, but I molted.

2017-12-17 [Sagacious Turkey]: Mothra was always my favorite bird kaiju, second only to the Megazord.

2017-12-17 [Nuktae-tal]: Ptyril from neopets for me!

2017-12-17 [Yuriona]: I would have to concur on Mothra. Very similar to the Mothman only bigger. :3

2017-12-18 [Pied Crow]: Eh?! What's up with you all? Clearly, Ra from the Age of Mythology is the best bird kaiju!

2017-12-18 [Nekko fox]: I happen to prefer the Piltdown man, myself.

2017-12-18 [Pied Crow]: What? Two of you were joking?

2017-12-18 [Mortified Penguin]: We don't joke here. This isn't some Jim's Eatery nonsense, we take our kaiju seriously.

Besides, Thoth could beat up Ra any day.

2017-12-18 [Mortified Penguin]:

2017-12-18 [Mortified Penguin]: There's way better crow reaction pics than penguin pics. :(

2017-12-18 [Mortified Penguin]:

2017-12-18 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1513618696.gif>

2017-12-18 [Mortified Penguin]: *flaps his mighty penguin wings and flies swiftly up into the stratosphere*

2017-12-18 [Nekko fox]: <img:stuff/aj/45072/1513621070.gif>

2017-12-18 [Sagacious Turkey]: There are literally no turkey memes or reaction images anywhere on the internet. Not even on www.turkeyreactionimages.gov .

*flaps his powerful turkey legs and quickly flies up into the ceiling fan*

2017-12-18 [Pied Crow]: Beat up? I was referring to those good looks.

2017-12-18 [Sagacious Turkey]: *several customers receive free helpings of fresh giblets*

*several other customers receive dysentery*

2017-12-18 [Mortified Penguin]:

2017-12-18 [Mortified Penguin]: I bet Ra gives a really good beakjob.

2017-12-18 [Pied Crow]: I wouldn't know. I only ever get his talons.

2017-12-19 [Mortified Penguin]: *comes stumbling in to work drunk*

2017-12-19 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1513694955.gif>

2017-12-19 [Mortified Penguin]: *starts frying up some grease*

2017-12-20 [Nuktae-tal]: Hmmmm fried penguin!

2017-12-20 [Pied Crow]: Does someone need some Mepsi Pax?

2017-12-20 [Nekko fox]: Isn't that the Pepsi made in Paco?

*Shakes Paco and listens to the fizz...*

*adds him to the fried penguin for that truly authentic Mexican flavor*

2017-12-20 [Nuktae-tal]: Add ostrich egg for filler... also plastic bags.

2017-12-20 [Mortified Penguin]: Don't waste my good plastic bags on the customers! Just use those crusty old milk jugs over there.

*points at Yuriona's chest*

2017-12-20 [Mortified Penguin]: *tosses some COCK KKK brand sandwiches in the microwave and tosses the microwave in with the penguin and the foaming Paco in the skillet*

2017-12-20 [Mortified Penguin]: *throws the skillet into the soup and kicks the soup into the furnace, before finally violently hurling the furnace into the sun*

There, breakfast is cooking. Should be done in- *stares directly at the sun for several seconds through the new hole in the roof* -about five minutes.

*stumbles blindly back into his office to count some shekels*

2017-12-21 [Nuktae-tal]: Mmm smell that home cooking! *sniffing pack corpse*

2017-12-21 [Pied Crow]: ... Whoa. Nekko-tal and Nuktae fox aren't the same person? I mean, you can't blame me, they both have an N and a k!

2017-12-21 Holiday Cheer: hi

2017-12-21 [Mrs. No_One]:

To those who celebrate Hanukkah (December 12th - December 20th):

<img500*0:http://elftown.heddate.com/stuff/aj/88645/1513851078.gif>

To those who celebrate Yule (December 21st - January 1st):

<img:http://elftown.heddate.com/stuff/aj/88645/1513851220.png>

To those who celebrate Christmas (December 24th and 25th):

<img500*0:http://elftown.heddate.com/stuff/aj/88645/1513851416.png>

To those who celebrate Kwanzaa (December 26th - January 1st):

<img:http://elftown.heddate.com/stuff/aj/88645/1513851580.png>

To those who celebrate Boxing Day (December 26th):

<img500*0:http://elftown.heddate.com/stuff/aj/88645/1513851654.png>

No matter what you celebrate...

<img:http://elftown.heddate.com/stuff/aj/88645/1513851713.png>

And if you don't celebrate any holiday well then...

<img500*0:http://elftown.heddate.com/stuff/aj/88645/1513851996.png>

2017-12-21 [Mortified Penguin]:

2017-12-21 [Mortified Penguin]: There are 12 days of Christmas, not 2! It ends on January 5th! And why make Christmas third on the list?! If you want a war on Christmas, you got it, pal. KEEP THE JESUS IN CHRISTMA-... CHRI-...... JESUSMAS!!

*angrily grabs a rocket launcher off the weapon rack and fires it into the sun*

There, lunch is cooking. Should be done in- *stares directly at the sun for several seconds through the newest hole in the roof* -about five years.

2017-12-21 [Yuriona]: No twerking turkey for me. I don't want to know where that turkey has been. O_o

2017-12-21 [Sagacious Turkey]: Don't call me a turkey, you're the turkey, you JIVE TURKEY!

*shoves Yuriona into a nearby well*

And stop polluting the town's drinking water!

2017-12-21 [Mortified Penguin]: MY ARTESIAN WELL!!

2017-12-22 [~Crimson Angel~]: Twerking Turkey? All I see is Miley Cyrus smacking her ass.

2017-12-22 [Yuriona]: *is buoyed up be the natural pressure of the spring* I'm not polluting it! I don't have to pee yet... >_>

2017-12-22 [Nuktae-tal]: *finishes peeing in it.* yeah yuriona!

2017-12-22 [Mortified Penguin]: *shrugs and throws the well into the new furnace*

*drinks bottled water*

*eats bottled ramen*

2017-12-22 [Mortified Penguin]: We're 150 comments away from 40,000 comments!

2017-12-22 [Mortified Penguin]: That's almost 100,000 comments!

2017-12-22 [Yuriona]: *stays with the water* you only threw the well. :P Good thing. Might have put the furnace out.

2017-12-22 [Mortified Penguin]: Unless my math is wrong. But that's impossible, I have a math degree.

*points at a framed rejection letter from DeVry University on the wall*

2017-12-22 [Mortified Penguin]: *transfers Yuri to a new fish tank, complete with tiny treasure chest*

2017-12-22 [Mortified Penguin]: You make nice with those goldfish in there, I'm not buying two separate tanks. *points at the piranhas*

2017-12-23 [Pied Crow]: Something seems...different about the wiki page today. Anghel! Did you add something new to the menu?

2017-12-23 [Sagacious Turkey]: I take this as a threat. Clearly, [Mrs. No_One] intends to harm me, leaving me with no choice but to attack preemptively.

*quick draws his sniper rifle and guns Misty down*

*takes a nap*

2017-12-23 [Nekko fox]: By all that is holy, Mort, what is happening here?

Oh...

*Rolls Misty's carcass out the door to be feasted on by the ants outside*

*Tis the season for giving*

2017-12-23 [Mortified Penguin]: *the ants only got you fruitcake and a Taco Bell gift card with $4.35 left on it*

*the spiders, however, knitted you a sweater*

2017-12-23 [Mortified Penguin]: STOP STEALING MY YARN!

*slaps Spider-Man so hard he falls off his bar stool and lands on the ground*

*he crawls off to his web in my yarn cabinet*

Son of a... *grabs a can of spray and storms off to the yarn room*

2017-12-23 [~Crimson Angel~]: *sips on a pina colada* Who's this Misty person, I don't know her.

2017-12-23 [Mortified Penguin]: How should I know?! *harpoons Amebara*

*sips motor oil*

2017-12-23 [Yuriona]: *tries to hide necklace of piranha teeth* They gave them to me honest!

2017-12-24 [~Crimson Angel~]: What's an Amebara? *sips on the blood of the innocent*

2017-12-24 [Mortified Penguin]: It's this horrifying witch monster from Indian (dot, not feather) folklore that haunts toilets.

If you got that blood from the soda machine, it's not innocent. It's baby blood, sure, but they were extremely guilty of a number of heinous crimes against humanity. I had no choice but to put them down... *thinks of all that baby slobber on his ramen and shudders*

*sips from Yuriona's tank*

2017-12-24 [Sagacious Turkey]:

2017-12-24 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img:stuff/aj/53406/1514159318.png>

2017-12-24 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img:stuff/aj/53406/1514159347.jpg>

2017-12-25 [Nuktae-tal]: Whoop Jedi!!! Hot pants!!!! Skirts even tooAa

2017-12-27 [Wulf Skjaldr]: *yawns* Why is that carcass dancing instead of being roasted?

2017-12-27 [Mortified Penguin]: I could ask you the very same about your mother!!

2017-12-28 [Nuktae-tal]: Hey! My mother earns an honest days wage! Dishonestly!

2017-12-28 [Mortified Penguin]: My mother is dead... dead tired of me making jokes about her untimely death! *sobs controllably*

2017-12-28 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1514433617.jpg>

2017-12-28 [Nekko fox]: <img:stuff/aj/45072/1514469046.jpg>

2017-12-28 [Mortified Penguin]: NO SKELETONS ALLOWED!

*viciously rips Misty's skeletal system from her body*

Now stop lying around and clean up all this blood!

*throws a garden hoe at the pile that was once [~Crimson Anal~]*

2017-12-29 [Nuktae-tal]: I am in my skeleton help!!!!* flails desperately into the Harlem shake*

2017-12-29 [Mortified Penguin]: I remember back in the day when the Harlem Shake just meant heading down to the ghetto and slapping the shit out of a prostitute until she started having a seizure. Those were simpler times...

*stares longingly out the window, thinking of those beans*

2018-01-02 [Nuktae-tal]: I am going to ruin everything!!!

2018-01-02 [Pied Crow]: Why is this place so much more active than LD5? This was not how we had this planned out...!

2018-01-02 [Nuktae-tal]: Sorry I care not for lsd!

2018-01-02 [Pied Crow]: But LCD TVs are the future! Because they're brighter and cheaper...

2018-01-02 [Pied Crow]: Also, you should've made fun of my typo. That was a stupid typo!

2018-01-02 [Mortified Penguin]: *comes bursting in with a ton of ramen noodles and LSD strips hanging out of his mouth*

HAND OVER THE BEANS!

*pulls out a Swiss Army knife and flips up the can opener attachment, brandishing it threateningly*

AND DON'T PULL THAT SHIT WITH THE PEAS AGAIN, I'M NOT FALLING FOR IT!

2018-01-02 [Mortified Penguin]: Comment average is going down, gotta post nonsense again.

2018-01-02 [Mortified Penguin]:

2018-01-02 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1514921566.jpg>

2018-01-02 [Mortified Penguin]:

2018-01-02 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1514921627.jpg>

2018-01-02 [Mortified Penguin]:

2018-01-02 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1514921879.jpg>

2018-01-02 [Mortified Penguin]:

2018-01-02 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1514921998.jpg>

2018-01-02 [Mortified Penguin]:

2018-01-02 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1514922103.jpg>

2018-01-02 [Mortified Penguin]:

2018-01-02 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1514922737.jpg>

2018-01-02 [Mortified Penguin]:

2018-01-02 [Mortified Penguin]: There, that should keep the average up for a while.

2018-01-02 [Yuriona]: Where the hell do you find that shit anyways? O_o

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Year 04/05 05/06 06/07 07/08 08/09 09/10 10/11 11/12 12/13 13/14 14/15 15/16 16/17 17/18 18/19 19/20 20/21	Comments 9709 3870 3065 5676 4309 2879 5259 1697 0984 0756 0394 0177 0384 1677 0471 0285 0118	Average 26.6 cpd 10.6 cpd 08.4 cpd 15.5 cpd 11.8 cpd 07.9 cpd 14.4 cpd 04.7 cpd 02.7 cpd 02.1 cpd 01.1 cpd 00.5 cpd 01.1 cpd 04.6 cpd 01.3 cpd 00.8 cpd 00.3 cpd	Total Comments 09709 13579 16644 22320 26666 29545 34804 36501 37484 38240 38634 38839 39223 40900 41371 41656 41774	Total Average 26.6 cpd/9709 cpy 18.6 cpd/6789 cpy 15.2 cpd/5548 cpy 15.3 cpd/5580 cpy 14.6 cpd/5333 cpy 13.5 cpd/4924 cpy 13.6 cpd/4972 cpy 12.5 cpd/4563 cpy 11.4 cpd/4165 cpy 10.5 cpd/3824 cpy 09.6 cpd/3512 cpy 08.9 cpd/3237 cpy 08.3 cpd/3017 cpy 08.0 cpd/2921 cpy 07.6 cpd/2758 cpy 07.1 cpd/2604 cpy 06.7 cpd/2457 cpy